So It IS Possible!! Kind of...

Ach, the pain is so bittersweet!! Who knew??!
*Oh, yeah... God did. Dirty rotten scoundrel...*
Ugh. I hate this.
Okay, so...
It IS Possible.
So this is good.
Right?
That I know now...
There is one TRULY GOOD man out there.
He plopped dead center onto my radar, & proved his goodness over & over -through some SERIOUS INTENSITY, heavens above- so I KNOW that they DO exist.
AND can "turn more than the music on".
MUCH, MUCH more.
And that's good news.
Right?
Yep, pretty sure it is.
Just doesn't FEEL like it right now.
At all.
Cuz...
Apparently. =/
Even the TRULY GOOD men are complete morons.
ARE THEY all THIS WAY???
DID GOD CREATE THEM AS MORONS ON PURPOSE?!
Is this seriously just a part of men's WIRING?
To be SO moronic??
To want & want & want something, then when IT SHOWS UP...
Realize they don't ACTUALLY WANT it??
Is it a genetic defect that is in the Y chromosome?
Or is that just another thing to add to my list?
#37: Please, God, I've finally really grasped that very intelligent men can be completely moronic... Could I have a man that's not a moron, please? I'll be really good this year. Promise. I just want a non-moronic man, is all... That's not asking too much, is it? I mean, I just want one who chooses joy over junk, gratitude over guilt, love over loss, trust over temporary, friendship over fear, passion over pretending, satisfaction over sadness, deliciousness over doubt, & new-ness over nothing-ness!! Aaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!
Sheesh, I could obviously go on AND ON AND ON AND ON with all the things I'D rather choose... And would prefer a man who would ALSO choose such things... BUT THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND -not that I was looking, but that's beside the point- EVEN AMONGST THE MOST INTELLIGENT, STRONG, GENEROUS, PASSIONATE, & PHENOMENALLY GOOD ONES!!!
How this is my reality, I just don't know.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
*And I CHOOSE to FOCUS on the POSITIVE.
Darn it all to petootskies! ;) Ugh, that was disgusting.
What I meant was: Damn it all to hell!!!*
So.
Positive:
I now KNOW that there are REAL...
Truly GOOD...
AND PASSIONATE...
MEN out there.
That can match me step for step.
*Well, for a while, anyway... =/*
Whatever. Progress has been made.
CUZ I F-ing SAY SO!!!
GOOD will OCCUR FROM all THIS AWARENESS, Dammit!!
SURELY there is ONE out there that will have ALL the above qualities & NOT BE a moron.
And I'm "weeding them out" faster & faster, so that's GOOD.
And I'm "getting over" them faster & faster, too.
*Though I'm rather curious of how this particular situation is going to effect me... Like, how long it will take, if ever, I'll be truly okay with having glimpsed what I glimpsed & then being told "no, sorry, I know that glimpse was better by 40, 000 million times what your experiences were in the past, but it's still just a glimpse, cuz there's no security in forever yet for you, m'dear, sorry. But you'll be fine, right? I mean, that's what you do is 'handle everything so well', right? So, what's the heartache for, honey? I mean, honestly. You're so strong you can handle being raped, choked, abandoned, threatened to be killed, smothered, neglected, dismissed, homeless, poverty-stricken, separated from your children, broken & beaten & more... What does this li'l ol' crazy guy mean compared to all that? You're being melodramatic & ridiculous, darlin', cuz he's not that bigga deal... Go read a book, eat something, clean your room, not in any particular order, & you'll be fine tomorrow. No big deal. Forever will be found in some other guy, some better guy, someone who's not a moron like all the rest, so you're going to be so much better off. You just wait & see!! You're so special God's preparing the very, very best for you... And he'll be a hundred billion times better than this one, honey, I promise. K? So stop feeling like it's the end of the world, you know very well it's not, & keep a stiff upper lip in public, & everything's gonna be just fine. Better than fine. Wonderful. It'll all be so wonderful you can barely imagine!"

And to all that -the loop of words that I've heard so many times I don't even need anyone to remind me anymore, I've got them memorized-
I say:
WHAT KIND OF STUPID-ASS MORON ARE YOU??
DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SOME OTHER, RANDOM GUY OUT THERE?! WELL, I DON'T! AND THE ONLY REASON I'LL HAVE TO SOMEDAY IS BECAUSE THIS ONE -AND THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE- DECIDED HE DOESN'T WANT ME AS MUCH AS I WANT HIM!!
I AM NEVER ENOUGH!!
OR TOO DAMN MUCH!!!
I LOVE AND LOVE AND UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE AND SHARE AND GROW AND GET MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY YEAR...
BUT IT'S EITHER NOT ENOUGH OR TOO MUCH.
AND THEY SAY THEY WANT THIS, & I HAPPEN TO BE THAT EXACT THING, THEN THEY GET IT/ME THAT WAY, AND THEY REALIZE THEY DON'T REALLY WANT "THIS" ANYMORE AFTER ALL!
OOPS.
MEN DON'T WANT REAL WOMEN!
THEY WANT FANTASIES.
AND I AM NOT A FANTASY, UNFORTUNATELY, THOUGH I AM A FULFILLMENT OF MANY OF THEM. QUITE FREQUENTLY, I'VE DISCOVERED.
AND GETTING BETTER & BETTER AT HONESTLY BEING THE POSSIBILITY/REALITY OF THE FULFILLMENT OF, APPARENTLY, EVERY SINGLE RED-BLOODED MAN'S FANTASIES, ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH, BUT WHO CARES???!!?
I don't want every man on earth.
Just one.
And I don't want to fulfill anyone's fantasies anymore, that they then come to realize they don't actually want.
I can't do this anymore.
No joke.
Give & give the truth of who I am... And always be found wanting.
Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
If they had real reasons, like my friend John, then that'd be fine.
I can handle that.
"Sorry, Ang, I love you & all, but I just know that I want a more docile-type of woman, you know what I mean? A li'l more submission & a li'l less sass is really my preferred style... Sorry, luv."
I CAN HANDLE THAT JUST FINE!!
IF I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT THEN GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING HONEST AND RECOGNIZING THAT! I DON'T WANT YOU WITH ME IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT ME THE WAY I AM, YOU KNOW?
But when you love all there is about me...
How can you let ANYTHING get in the way of the security of eternity??
I just don't understand.
And it hurts so much...
So much.
Way much more than I'm sure this particular experience was meant to, yet that's the way it is right now, so... I guess God knew, saw this coming, prepared a way, & will help me thaw my aching, frozen heart...
One o' these days.
And add that #37 to the man of my future...
And all will be blissfully well with us.
I'm sure.
Uh-huh. Do you believe me? Oh, good. Me, too.
Yep.
Mm-hmmm.
*Yeah, I don't lie well anymore. Not even to myself. But I've already cussed enough for those sensitive souls out there, so... The lie will need to stand...*
I'm just fine, & all is well, & I know I'll love someone else more someday.
Hope all y'all's night is filled with happiness this Holiday season,
Angelina
Adora Angelina
Which means Adorable li'l Angel...
Uh-huh.
Adorable.
Used to love that word.
Adorable li'l Angel my Ass.
Good Night All, sorry I'm not everything you ever hoped I'd be...
I do my best.

InDescribable...

The feeling that currently resides within me is so utterly complex...
Yet simple.
I'm sure I'll type & type, whether it be for minutes or hours...
There's no chance I'll describe the experience adequately.
And that's okay.
I'm good with that.
=)
Which is quite a miracle, I must say...
Considering all that's gone on lately.
Ahhhh, a deep breath.
What a gift.
Thank you, Emily, for the gift of your life...
To remind me to value mine.
Not that I wasn't, but there's always room for improvement, right?
I mean, really.
I've had plenty of reasons to be, at the very least, dismayed...
And it's time I stopped such silliness.
Especially because I have now finished a semester of college.
=)
Even through all that has occurred.
I DID IT!! I MADE IT THROUGH!! I FINISHED!!
I KEPT GOING, NO MATTER WHAT, & I DID IT!!!
I FINISHED, FINISHED, FINISHED!!
What a joy!
The pain I've felt lately does not flee but takes it's appropriate place backstage, gratefully stepping aside as joy lights up the center...
And I cannot fully express all the emotions concurrently evoked.
With music coursing through these earbuds & flowing gently through my body, with nowhere I need to be & nothing pressing to do, with the promise of lunch around the corner... I find myself relaxing to a degree I've not had the luxury of in months.
=)
This is heaven.
Knowing I am a person of depth.
Capable of excruciating pain upon the loss of a loved one.
Having continued on in my school endeavors.
Though all hell broke loose against me.
Feeling as a capable adult must.
Once accomplished in a particular area.
Flowing along with musical creations of satisfaction.
Dictating my own expressions to my fingers.
Knowing I've many I can turn to.
When I get ready to be social today.
Being perfectly content to experience all this alone.
=)
Hhhhmmmm...
Life is rich & deep & full & penetrating & agonizing & glorious & mind-numbing & breath-taking & validating & torturous & marvelous & exhausting & I'm glad I'm a part of it ALL.
Ach, & now the pain re-takes center...
=(
Emily was going through school, as well.
She'll not finish.
My heart aches for the loss of her contribution, though I feel her personal contribution continuing to effect my heart, mind, & life.
Every day I realize one more valuable gift she gave me, so she keeps on giving, even after death, & I pray I'll be the same when I'm gone...
Ahh, but I know she'd not want me to dwell upon it.
So I'll cry a bit & release this pain...
Allowing room for peace, pleasure, & gratitude to light up the day.
=/
Much has been accomplished.
Much will be celebrated.
=)
Thank Thee, Father, for ALL Thou hast given.
And I pray I remember.
Always.
Grateful for the miracle of my life...
Praying for others to recognize their own miracles,
Angelina

She's Dead.

Dead, as in no longer alive.
Dead, as in no longer with us.
Dead, as in DEAD.
My dear, dear, Emily is dead.
Dead, dead, DEAD.
And I feel I may die.
I know I won't, & that it's preposterous, really.
But I feel that way, nonetheless.
Logically, I know she's in a better place, since her body was so wasted, & was simply housing pain & suffering, these last few months.
But that logical reasoning makes no difference to my emotions.
Emotionally, I feel numb & grief & disbelief all at the same time.
Which causes me physically to feel very confused.
My stomach is particularly perplexed... "Am I supposed to vomit, or not? Seems like there's a reason to, yet there's no reason whatsoever at the same time. Am I supposed to vomit or not?!!!!"
As I typed to my professors a few minutes ago, "...words tend to be my anesthesia of choice..." & so I sit here typing, though it would be wise to eat, or do homework, or have attended my SI, or SOMETHING GOOD FOR MY LONG-TERM WELL-BEING!!! But, no. I turn to the keyboard. And frantically type away. Hoping, somehow, this frenzied activity will stop the two sentences that have been ringing through my mind since Emily's sister called... "This hurts so bad. My Emily's dead. She's dead. Gone. My Emily." AND THE REALLY UGLY ONE "I don't have time for this. I've got homework to do. It's the end of the semester. I can't afford to feel this way." Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!

My fingers just lay frozen upon the keyboard for several minutes... And I stared at them, willing them to move...
"Move, Dammit! Don't stop now!" but they just sat there.
Until, finally, my pinky twitched & hit the enter key & they were freed, somehow, to type again... But to type what?
THERE ARE NO WORDS!!
WORDS MEAN NOTHING!!
THIS IS AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY, TO ATTEMPT TO LAY WORDS DOWN THAT WILL SOMEHOW PORTRAY WHAT I'M FEELING!!!
But I'll keep on typing, 'til I'm drained of whatever it is that needs to be let go of, because I know not what else to do.

Eat?
Are you kidding me.
My stomach's protesting the information it's currently digesting, food would only complicate matters.
Do homework?
Again with the joking.
My hands keep freezing up & my eyes stare into space & there's wave after wave of grief & numbness coursing through my brain & body, how anything intelligent could come from me, upon any other subject, at this point in time, is completely unbeknownst to me.
Call my mother?
I don't think so.
She'll just feel so badly for me, & whatever, that it'll make me want to cry, but I don't think I can, so I'll just feel worse & worse.
Cry?
How.
I cried when I first found out, but was surrounded by strangers on campus, so I battled the emotions & now they're lodged inside somewhere & I don't know what it'll take to free them.
**Except I know it doesn't happen to be my mother. ;)**
Smile & Joke?
Maybe a smidge.
Not really. Though the above bit was slightly humorous to me... So I'll put a smiley face after this sentence as well. =) But does that actually DO anything? Not really. Not yet, anyway. Sure it will help later.
Sure all these ideas will help later.
Including many others. Like talking to friends, hula hooping, reading a novel, having a snowfight, coloring with my children **they'll be here within 24 hours!!**, making brownies for the physical therapy guys... **That these things are coming to my mind at all is a good sign. =)**
One at a time, I'll do each thing on my little list, & life will continue on, & I'll even find satisfaction & eventual joy in them again...
But, right now? I can't think of anything at all.
Anything at all that could possibly make me feel better.
**Though getting my homework done would be an immense stress relief, so I suppose THAT WOULD help me feel better. ;)**
Oh, I was funny semi-voluntarily... That's another good sign, I think. =)
Yay for me, & I bet Emily's pleased...
She really wouldn't want me to mope for long, I know that, but sheesh. This sucks.
And how is her family doing??? I cannot even imagine.
And her good husband?! Ach, it kills me. He loves her so much!!
And her children?? This is torture.
Life goes on, but I wish it'd stop for a while.
Give us time to get used to the idea of life without Emily in it. Then start up again, when we're a little more acclimated to the idea.
Oh, how my heart aches! How I've missed her already, these last few months, & now to know I'll not talk to her again MY WHOLE LIFE!?!!
The thought is EXCRUCIATING!
Yet it is reality.
And I better accept it, or it'll be an even harder "row to hoe".

Thing about Emily is, she LOVED life. Every aspect of it.
And she wouldn't want me wasting ANY of my life lamenting over hers, when she had such a good one AND wants ME to have such a good one, as well.
Besides, she was in pretty intense pain & is much better off now, without it, than she would be if she were still residing in her mortal frame.
Whatever, there's that logic again.
WHAT.EVER!
I JUST WANT MY EMILY!!
SHE'S MY DEAREST EMILY, & THE ONLY ONE LIKE HER, & SHE'S BEEN A CONSTANT IN MY LIFE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!!
ALWAYS THERE when I needed her, EVERY SINGLE TIME, & ALWAYS had something perfectly Emily-like to say!!!
ALWAYS TRUE to herself & honest & open & loving & generous & intelligent & UNIQUE, dammit!!
Now the tears fall.

So I did the dishes.
And cried.
'Til the tears dried up.
Long before the dishes will.
Ach, this hurts.
She was ALWAYS there! And now she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN!!
She even lived in the same damn house each of the fifteen years I've known her! And married the same man she was with when we were together as kids! And stayed the same, beautifully fabulous EMILY, that whole time!! No deception, no dismissals, no discrimination.
Just pure Emily... Loving me. Supporting me. Understanding me.
And staying safe, steady, & stable.
For me.
Whether she knew it or not, she was that way FOR ME!!

Dear God, how could it have been "her time to go"??
And how will I ever be whole without her here, physically? And if the loss of her physical presence cuts me so deeply, how will her family, husband, & children deal??
I KNOW I'll see her again, Father, that's not the issue. And I KNOW she's happier & better off than she would've been if she'd stayed.
And I DO trust in Thy timing & all that jibberdy-jazz. I do.
I just DO NOT KNOW HOW I'm going to be okay with all this.
How do people do it?? How did Tara, when her mom died? How did my dad when his mom died? How did Nelly when her son died? No wonder she was such a miserable person. I've struggled sooo much, without my kids with me all the time, yet each one is still alive! And Emily's death is kickin' my trash right about now, but she's "just" a friend.
**Stupid sentence, if there ever was one!**

Dear God, help me through this.
And Emily's family, husband, & kids. Not to mention Donna & all others that love Emily so!! Oh, how I hurt for us all!!

Hugs may be going round in heaven...
To celebrate her return.
But the hugs that are going round on earth are being desperately given...
To keep us from feeling alone.
Because the world is far emptier without her here.
And "alone" is the way we feel...
After a life like hers has passed from us.

What DO I Want?

I'm attending an Institute class.
A stranger, in the computer lab, randomly asked me to come one day.
*I rarely resist random. ;) Though at times I'm not so keen on the direction the universe steers me.*
I didn't want to.
Really didn't.
As the subject is Marriage & Family.
Eternal, no less.
But I felt the nudge, on two different occasions...
And began attending.

It's a beautiful course.
With subject matter I'm well familiar with.
And used to delight in.

I'm so jaded & cynical about marriage now, of any type, let alone ETERNAL! A match for me is not easily found.
*So I've discovered through the signing of 2 different sets of divorce papers over the last few years...*
A real man out there?
Sure.
*Maybe you know of one?? Right.
He's YOUR husband??
How marvelous for you...
BUT:
Sorry, honey, he doesn't count...
Unless you want him to be mine! ;)*
A man who honors his word?
Keeps his commitments?
Maintains fidelity?
Remains tender & caring?
Provides for the family?
Acknowledges & uses the Atonement?
Believes in the power & love of God?
Follows his promptings to the best of his ability?
Leaving behind pride & judgment??
Loves ME with all his heart, only second to God?????
Right.
Oh, yeah. Eternal marriage is what got me here...
Believes & follows the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to the best of his ability?
Willing & wanting to take me to the Temple, continue going after that first time, & both honor AND keep the covenants he makes in that sacred house???
Sure.
Uh-huh.
I don't think so.
ADD TO THAT all my Personal Desires in a Man, which I won't fully share here, as I'm semi-cognizant of the public aspect of this blog...
PLUS, I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IN WANTING IT ANYMORE!!!
One who loves me so much he'd be like that man in the movie "My Name Is Khan" & go to whatever lengths necessary to procure & keep my love & happiness?
*Someone recently said, when I mentioned that I want a love like in that movie, "What. You want me to be retarded?!" Not funny & hilarious at the same time! =) If you haven't seen it, you should.
It's beyond beautiful.*
One who loves every aspect of me, even when I'm bitchy & exhausted, or silly & stupid, foolish & irrational??? How about when I'm adoring him EVEN WHEN HE'S BEEN A JERK? Yeah, I want a man who can handle me loving him in moments when he despises himself.
*That's the kicker. Knocks every one of 'em outta the ring.
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" hehehe... Oh, I love myself. =) I'm Hilarious! ;)*
One who loves other people, as well? Who recognizes the humanity in himself & can thus recognize it in all others??
*This is my biggest one, actually. In a way.*
One who is thrilled by the fact that I'm giving my body to him?
And in awe of what a privilege that is??
*I'm not kidding. Thrill & awe.
No matter how pale I am & wrinkly I become! ;) I could go on on the subject, but it's sacred & private, so I won't. But, truly, passion MUST be addressed, for I refuse to live within a marriage without it, for doing so is a tragic waste.*
One who can walk that line between respecting my intelligence & still knowing when they're right... Who stays a MAN... even alongside a POWERFUL woman? One who can tell me to shut up, but so gently & firmly that I cannot help but love him more for it??
*Have had this experience. Briefly. Enough to know of it, & desire more of the same type of individual: A man who can put a woman in her place gently & sweetly is a man to be desired. That same man recognizing his woman's ability to do the same is a gift from God.*
One who loves the fact that I love the whole world? And I will stop at nothing to accomplish what I've been moved upon to accomplish in this world?? Who LOVES me for it & doesn't feel threatened or jealous in any way?

I'm done.
Cannot share any more of what I know I need in a man. What I do actually desire, though I hide the intensity of it from myself quite regularly. *Oh, yeah, & One who can "handle" my intensity
AND LOVE ME FOR IT?!! Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!*
For I feel the resignation & cynicism coming to the forefront more powerfully with each sentence I type.
And I originally got on here to speak of the hope I feel when attending my li'l religious class...

They've got me.
Hook, line, & not sunk yet, but sinking blissfully into the depths of the simultaneously warm & yet cool springs of pleasant doctrine they dispense with each session...
*Actually, it's quite painful to hear, more frequently than not, yet still soothes my soul & proffers hope of such a life for me... Which I SERIOUSLY do NOT understand!! And kinda ticks me off, now that I think about it... Voodoo witch doctors! ;) ****Okay, okay, to all out there that may ever read this, that are not of a positive mindset towards the LDS church: Please do not take that last comment seriously, or any other that you may see as a negative slant toward the church. I love the church, & it's tenets, & it's yada-yada EVERYTHING, okay? I've researched & prayed & tested & researched & prayed & tested some more, over & over & over again... And I don't want my words to EVER be used for an argument against the LDS church, K? Nor do I want it used in any negative way, period. Not that I can control this, once it leaves my mouth or is printed, but I post this "disclaimer" while I'm cognizant enough to do so, regardless.**** How I can feel the way I feel when attending Institute I just don't know. Must be magic! ;)*

So.
I'm officially resigned towards men.
Cynical about marriage.
Jaded regarding an eternity where the two mentioned above, & myself, are mixed.
Yet...
I find that I DO WANT that whole deal.
The man.
*One, thanks. Appreciate ALL that the many men who've come into my life have given me, by way of healing & self-awareness & much, much more... BUT I just want ONE man. Y'all have many marvelous attributes, & have assisted God in opening my eyes to the possibility of another -ugh- marriage someday, but I need ONE man that holds some of each of your traits... AND WANTS ME MORE THAN HE COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED WANTING ANY WOMAN!!! Only then, with ONE MAN, can I live the life I so desire. Sorry, to the many, though individual you may be... That I'm monogamous. ;)*
The marriage.
*Why, why, why did you design it this way, God?? I'm still quakin' in my boots over the thought of that much commitment coming out of me again... I don't want to commit to almost ANYTHING these days, let alone a man & a marriage!!! Thou knowest how committed I am! Once I'm in, I'm in. AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I know that was the PAST & everything, but jiminy... I'm scared. Yet I see the wisdom in it, now even more than before... But I really wish you'd designed it so I didn't need to do that whole marriage thing again...*
And forever.
*Uh-huh. Here we get to why I gotta do the marriage deal...
Cuz I want forever, with one man, always & eternally & never-ending & however else we could say the same thing!
No more of this nonsense.
Been married twice now.
And dating-ish quite a bit.
(((Though I shouldn't be. Yet. Did I mention understanding & forgiving, in the aforementioned traits I desire in a man???
Yeah, well. They're a very important part of the package as well. =)
I'M very understanding & forgiving; I'd like you to be the same! ;)
LOL. But seriously.)))
AND I JUST WANT ONE MAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE & THROUGHOUT ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?????????????
IT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM THE BEGINNING, BUT I MUST'VE DONE A BUNCH OF THINGS WRONG, CUZ I'VE LOVED SEVERAL MEN NOW, WITH ALL MY HEART, AND THAT LOVE HAS not AMOUNTED TO CREATE A RECIPROCAL, MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL AND ETERNAL UNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I may be jaded, resigned, & cynical, but I'm also amazing, loving, & brilliant... And I don't see why this whole eternal marriage thing couldn't work out for me.
Yet it hasn't.
And I want to believe it will.
But it hasn't.
And I'm not perfect, but I'm still lovable...
Yet it hasn't.
Worked.
Out.
And...
I'm supposed to have confidence it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to believe it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have faith it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have hope it will?
Slightly too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have a desire to have hope & belief it will?
Okay.
*Was too much to ask, previously, but that Institute class apparently did a number on my heart & I'll say "Okay." ;)*
I want to be married to a good, LDS man...
In the temple.

Cuz you know what I really want?
To speak the same language as he does.
*ie: "Did you feel prompted when yada-yada was said? I feel like God wants us to blah, blah, blah..."*
To read the same books with him.
*ie: "I just finished Moroni, chapter 7 again, & I wondered what you thought about verse 13..."*
To go to the same places with him.
*ie: "Are you ready to go to the temple, darlin'? I'm hoping to talk with Sister Pierce before we do sealings..."*
To share the same routines with him.
*ie: " That was an awesome FHE lesson you prepared, babe. Just what I needed..."*
Just to be One with my man.
In so many other ways, but these ones are the specific aspects that have been missing, thus far.
And I want to be One with him.
For always.
Whoever he may be.
To be One.

And we can't have that any other way.
Cuz I love the temple.
And I love the church.
And I want to go there someday.
WITH somebody.
And walk away with a hand in mine...
And peace in my heart.
Because he & I?
We understand each other...
And are ONE, in every sense that counts.

And I know he'll be there, later.
Tomorrow.
Next week.
Next month.
Next year.
In a decade.
A century.
And even longer than I can currently comprehend.

Yep. That's what I want.

Ugh,
Praying we all figure out what we really want,
Even if we don't want to admit it to ourselves,
Cuz we don't want to take responsibility for that desire,
Angelina

Perplexed & In Awe...

My life is a series of miracles.
I am very aware of this...
Yet I still struggle at times to feel grateful for it all, amidst the "weird" stuff that happens.
Even though I KNOW it's all good & God will help me see the beauty & purpose in it!

Want to blog something...
Feel a need to express what's happening right now...
But I don't know how to put it into words.
So much goes on in my life, it's quite insane, really...
If one were to ask me what was new in the morning & then ask me again that evening, well, I've usually had so much occur that it's hard to simplify it all.
For which I am grateful, yet...
Exhausted by.
At the moment.

I've been meeting so many people that have been teaching me so many things... It's just indescribable how much I'm learning lately.
And I'm lovin' it, don't get me wrong.
I'm just not getting the time I prefer to process it all.
So I feel like running away.
Which I don't think is the wisest move.
So I won't.
But I want to.

Some of the people I've been drawn to, or have been drawn to me, are of the "type" that one would think I'd have nothing in common with.
But I have more in common with them than meets the eye.
And I'm grateful for the privilege of being connected with them.
Just wish I knew what I was meant to gain from all this...
Cuz I'm quite perplexed by some of the occurrences in my life, lately, & ache to be able to DEFINE some situations.
But I know I'm simply to watch, wait, & trust.
So I will.

School is a mixed bag, as well.
My Business class is AMAZING & was definitely designed with me in mind, whether they realize it or not. =)))
But my other classes are a bit of a drain.
And I just want to sleep the majority of the time.
No 4.0 for me this semester!! ;)
Hauling myself around on crutches is a killer, as well...
Realized the other day that I'm lifting 110 lbs. up, every other step, all across campus, Monday through Friday, & have been for weeks now!!!
No wonder I'm exhausted!

My emotions & insights run deep right now, but there's some kind of blockage going on... And I cannot seem to access them.
I don't know what's up, but I AM SOOO GLAD that it's the weekend!!!
Two more essential class/appointments & I AM DONE!
Going to Time Out For Women tomorrow...
Chillin' after church on Sunday...
(Missing my kids with a power I don't even want to talk about, looking forward to getting off the crutches so I can care for them again!!)
It'll be good to be free from classes for a couple days.
=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)

Nada Goin' On Here...

Actually, that is sooo not true in LIFE, but it is in my BRAIN...
I am soooo tired...
Sprained ankle is turning out to be a possible break.
Ugh.
The x-ray technician wasn't available when the physical therapist discovered that it seems broken... So I wait 'til tomorrow... Though it's already been almost a week since the "incident"... And my question is:
Why, why, why didn't they just x-ray it in THE FIRST PLACE??
Ugh.
Classes are good.
Hobbling to & fro is exhausting.
Hurting STILL over a fraction of a second miscalculation is Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!
K, that's all I got.
Too tired to blog more.
Don't know why I'm even on right now.
***My Business class was KICKIN'... Makes it all worth it. =)***
Hope y'all are sleepin' sweetly...
XOXO!

OPEN UP YOUR EYES.

Oh, I'm Testy Today.
The lack of even CONSIDERING possibilities is verrry annoying to me, right now.
What is so Challenging about THINKING, eh??
About looking through a DIFFERENT viewpoint???
About CONSIDERING something NEW?!
Ugh.
Fine.
Stay in your li'l box.
Paint your walls pretty colors.
Remain attached to it all.
I'll be annoyed, briefly, every once in a while...
And THEN...
I'll be SUPER-GRATEFUL that your narrow-mindedness REMINDS ME how fulfilling my life is cuz I don't lock myself into preconceived notions & whatnot!!! =)))
**That sounds mean & judgmental of me, doesn't it... Well, it's not intended to be, I promise. PLUS, the person I'm currently vexed with is a perfect stranger, & will probably never see me again, nor read this blog, nor even know it was "inspired" by them, either! =) Think I'm okay to vent?? ;) Whether you do, or not, I'll continue! ;)**
Okay, so...
Seriously, Folks...
Can you NOT even grasp that there are POSSIBILITIES OUTSIDE your realm of experience... That would be GOOD??!??
Really, really, really GOOD.
For ALL involved?!
Is it THAT freakin' DIFFICULT??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!
I am so annoyed with you right now.
Cuz your limited possibility range is REALLY crampin' my LIFE, thank you very much. And I do so love my life & want to expand MY own possibilities AND include you in on the fun...
BUT YOU WON'T LET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuz you cannot comprehend that DIFFERENT is NOT "bad".
Ugh.
How many times do we need to go through this, People??
Haven't we learned?
Collectively, through all the ages, & time, DIFFERENT IS NOT BAD!
It's.
Just.
Different.
I'm ready to scream & jump down someone's throat, pulling all the entrails out, as I leap upwards & onwards TOWARDS MY OWN FABULOUSLY DIFFERENT DESTINY!!!
**Gross, I know, but tempting at times, do you not think?! ;)
K, maybe YOU don't... But I really, really, really do.
Probably more often than you'd like to know. ;)**
But...
I won't.
=)
So...
Don't worry.
;)
All the violence within is contained.
And...
LOL
I really DO understand where y'all are comin' from...
Been there, done that, was blind & stubborn enough for all of us. ;)
So, I won't hurt anyone, & I won't even be bothered by all this once I've completed this blog. =)))
I'll move on to the next situation... Knowing all is just as it needs to be... Feeling grateful for the ones that remind me why I've chosen all I've chosen... Looking forward to exploring the dynamics with a new person... Pleased I found out about said person's limited scope of thought & view SOONER rather than later...
See?
'S'all Good. ;)
No worries...
Just a li'l Testy-ness. ;)
*****AND a dollop of gratitude for all y'all that SEE MORE than what's right in front of you, or has come before... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! **I love everyone, even those that drive me up the wall at times... Don't forget that, K? =) Sorry if I offended anyone... *Though not sorry enough to not post this. ;)* I really DO LOVE you, & find you fit perfectly within the chaotic tapestry that is this life, so FEEL that love, K? Even if my venting strums dis"chord" within you...** I SERIOUSLY LOOOOOOVE all you who keep supporting me!!! You amaze & inspire me!!! You sustain & rejuvenate me!!! I love how clear & strong you help me be! I'd not love myself so dearly, & all people everywhere, if YOU had not loved me so consistently ALL THESE YEARS. So... THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU...*****
Heavens, I love blogging!!
I can release all this junk, & not carry it 'round with me!!
Such a gift!
And it's all up to you how you "take" it...
If you know me, enough, there's no reason to fuss...
So, if you feel like fussing, while reading this...
Look into yourself & ask, "Why do these words bother me so much?? What does it mean for me? Is there any part of me that resonates with what she's saying? And needs to open up a li'l more... Or be less judgmental of those that are closed? Recognizing that we ALL have our own perfect place in this life??? Hmmm..."
Or something along those lines. ;)
Love you ALL so much!!!
Praying we ALL realize where we're stopping ourselves & others,
AND increasingly challenge our own reasons for the choices we make,
Angelina

Silence is Golden... Or Not.

There are times when Silence is Golden.
I've even asked people to just. shut. up. lately... No kidding. =)
So I could FEEL whatever was going on, at the moment, as opposed to listen to someone attempt to describe it.
(When eating, is a particularly good time to experience the golden bliss of silence. Especially if one is tasting a new or exotic food. Mm-mmm-M!)

But there are also times when Silence is Torture.
Like, when you THINK you know what's going on, cuz this & that & the other was said, BUUUT you're not really SURE you know, cuz the other & that & this were ALSO said...
Ugh.
It's Torture when Silence Abounds under such circumstances.
Does one fall into Hope?
Or Not??
Do you trust in this positive sentence they voiced?
Or focus on that negative comment previously uttered??
And WHICH actions speak louder than words, anyway???!!
Ugh.
Torture.

I, personally, am a very concrete person.
When it comes to words, & silence that follows, without action.
If you SAY two conflicting things, & then ACT in one manner...
I get verrrry confused.
Am I to rely on your WORD?
Which I used to, & would LOVE to be able to...
OR
Am I to recognize that your words & ACTIONS are not congruent??
*Well, I always recognize THAT! Can't help but...*
The point is:
WHAT DO I DDDOOOOO when I see that your actions & words are not congruent??? Point it out? Walk away? Have hope you'll recognize it also, without my pointing it out?? Wait for a decade to realize you won't see it, whether I point it out or not?
*Nah, that last one is just past frustration comin' out... Nothin' to do with the current deal that's on my mind. CUZ I KNOW I'll never do THAT again! =)*

I don't have the answer to this one...
I believe it's all individual.
A case by case basis.
And I despise feeling my way through it.
Cuz I like answers. Don't you?? ;)

It's like...
When Silence Abounds,
And Actions & Words have been Incongruent,
WHEN does one release the Hope?

That's my question.

And here's another...
WHY do people NOT just come out & SAY IT?????????????????
It's like, REALLY?
I'm supposed to just figure it out on my own?
Silence means "XYZ" to you...
Duh!
NOOO!
Cuz Silence has always meant "BQA" to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And here's the thing:
I, personally, have an abundance of Hope... And it can sustain me
A LONG TIME.
SO.
In order to Stop Wasting My Hope on Futile Things...
Buck up & Open your Mouth, damn it!
Call me if the apartment won't be ready on time!
Call me if you changed your mind & don't wanna go on a ride!
Call me if you're not willing to rent, cuz you want the house to sell!
Call me if you've decided you're not that into me!
Call me if you have a question about an action I'm taking!
Call me if you said you would!!!
Whether you're a stranger, friend, or whatever...
Open up your mouth & Be Brave...
Acknowledge what's REALLY going on for you...
HOW IT EFFECTS ME!!!
And Stop Leaving Me Alone in this Torturous Silence.
Capisci??

Foolish Mistakes...

I get where you're coming from...
It DOES seem as though I've made a bazillion "foolish mistakes".
But I guarantee.
If you'd walked in my shoes.
You'd've done THE EXACT SAME THINGS.
For you'd've BEEN me.
"If I were you..."
People say...
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT SENTENCE???
IF.
I.
WERE.
YOU.
I'd BE You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And you'd BE me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And we'd have all the exact same thoughts, & feelings, that the other person has!
DOES ANYONE THINK OF THE OBVIOUSNESS OF THIS???
Drives me nuts, the flak I receive.
"Well, you shouldn't've done that, Ang, cuz now it's this way..."
"Well, if you would've done this, then you wouldn't be in this situation..."
"Why didn't you know? It's so obvious what you should've done..."
DUH!!!
Get over it!
I'm IN the situation.
I ALREADY DID what you're so sure I SHOULDN'T'VE done.
I only knew what I knew.
Okay?
And THERE IS NO SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how many things I KNOW, that YOU don't, that I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT OVER, & DO NOT tell you,
"Well, if you'd had more faith in God, under these circumstances..."
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
We.
All.
Have.
The.
Knowledge.
We.
Individually.
Have.
Period.
And my MISTAKES may seem FOOLISH to you, but I AM doing the things I know & feel to do, no matter the circumstances...
Can you say the same?
Can you say you move forward when you feel to act?
Regardless of Fear?
Or Doubt?
Or Anger?
NO Matter The Circumstances???
Cuz, yeah, I may look crazy to you... I get that.
I can even SEE why...
BUT I AM NOT.
And, yeah, I may look foolish to you... I get that.
I can even SEE why...
BUT I AM NOT.
No more than you yourself are.
And any other human being on this planet.
WE ARE ALL THE SAME.
Different sizes, shapes, & forms.
Different stories & details.
Different degrees of weaknesses & strengths.
Different ratios of foolish to wise & "sin" to "righteousness"...
WHO WILL THROW THE FIRST STONE???
Go ahead.
Judge my life.
My words, my actions, my past.
Judge me "unworthy" of this help, or that.
Or tell me I need SO MUCH MORE of another kind of "help"...
But I guarantee you're off in that judgment.
Cuz YOU DON'T KNOW.
You.
Don't.
Know.
What.
I've.
Been.
Through.
And you never will...
Not with that know-it-all attitude.
*Believe me, I know... I used to have one just like it. ;)*
I'm done.
Keep seeing my life as a mistake.
Keep seeing my choices as foolish ones.
Keep seeing ME as LESS because of it all.
And I'll keep knowing who I am...
As a Daughter of God.
As a Sister in Christ.
As an Amazing Human Being, that is Both Phenomenal AND Fallible.
And I'm okay with that...
Are you?
Okay with yourself??
Cuz you're a human, too...
And divine, as well...
Just.
Like.
Me.
Foolish Mistakes & all.

"Dumb" by Angelina

"You Didn't Listen" by Angelina

Prayer of Gratitude

Dearest Father,
I didn't intend to get on here & pray to Thee last night, but tonight is intentional:
Father, how I Thank Thee!!
I called my mom last night, & it was just what I needed.
I bathed & breathed & ate & remembered all the steps necessary to help me get through the physical aspect of my residual pain.
Thou didst help me with all that, as I asked Thee to.
As Thou dost always do.
Thank Thee for helping me get out of my own way. =)
I'm such a stubborn fool sometimes.
Thank Thee for turning my weaknesses into strengths.
Oh, Father, today was heavenly... Thank Thee for offsetting the torture of the previous day & providing a truly restful Sabbath for me.
Please bless those I interacted with, especially those I felt to semi-"preach" to. I know it was all in reminding them that they are more loved by Thee than they can currently comprehend, but I also know how uncomfortable & unbelievable it is for so many when I do that... Please bless them to absorb the truths spoken in a time-frame that is healthy for them.
Oh, Father, I'm still hurting & tired, & though I did gain so much more than anticipated from church, it was so hard on my body today... Please help me to know tomorrow how to balance between what my body needs & what needs to be done in order to get the children back.
I miss them so, Father, & Thou knowest how I am counting on Thee.
Please bless me to be open & NOT get in Thy Way!!!
I love Thee, & Thank Thee for ALL that Thou hast provided...
I am so blessed!!
K, I'm ready to sleep now... Please assist me with that, as well... =)
Sheesh, can I do anything on my own?? ;)
I love Thee soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!
Thank Thee for Thy wisdom & grace & guidance & strength & everything else Thou hast provided for me...
I'd not trade them for ANYTHING, Father.
And I'll aim, yet again, not to complain about the mode through which Thou dost provide such gifts. =)
As I DO recognize that Thou dost know BEST!!! ;)
Good Night, Father,
In Jesus' Marvelous Name, Amen.

Soaking in Sadness/Pressured By Pain

Dear God Above, Why?
Today was such a beautiful day...
And I ALWAYS end my nights well now... How can it be that I've turned into such a pathetic, pain-filled plop??
And so soon after such satisfaction?
Ach, & I'm waxing poetic... Disgusting the drama that is me tonight.
OH, help.
My back & neck ache beyond anything I've experienced in some time.
My body longs to be held & comforted.
My car is parked & I cannot escape within a wind-filled drive.
*I know it's only parked 'til I get the dang license reinstated, which will probably be tomorrow, but still!! I'M LIVING IN THE NOW, HERE, GOD, HELP ME NNNOOOWWW!!!*
And, of course, I could go on with all the things torturing me, at this current snippet of time, but Thou dost know it all already...
So there's no point.
*I'm too tired to spell it all out, JUST GIVE ME RELIEF...*
I can barely think.
I hurt so bad.
I want it all fixed.
And I know Thou art working on it, I do.
But I'm cranky & in the midst of my cycle & lonely & on & on & on...
And I don't know what to do.
It's like, I know there's an answer, that Thou hast already given me, but which one is it??
Read my scriptures?
Or take a bath...
Get on my knees to pray?
*Instead of sitting in this crappy chair, with my fingers glued to the keyboard for hours, seeking some elusive comfort from long-distance friends &/or peace through expressing myself via blog? Problem being, of course, that I'm so tired & in so much pain that I REALLY DO feel GLUED to this chair & keyboard!!! I'm sure giving up in exhaustion, & crawling -literally- to my equally crappy board of a bed, is just around the corner, but it hasn't occurred yet, & I'm somehow still here... Not sure why, really. Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!*
Or take an F-ing Ibuprofen...
Force myself to bawl & sob & gnash my teeth?
Or stuff my face with much-needed food...
Call my mother?
Or hmmm...
That might be it.
It did give me pause, as none of the others did...
So, what.
Finish up expressing here & call my mother in the middle of the night?
Couldn't you have gotten that suggestion through to me without all the crap I just went through on Facebook & here???
Is all this outpouring of pain & piss & vinegar REALLY necessary??
Thou knowest I don't like everyone knowing my inner, inner stuff! Ach, but I can feel it already... I won't delete this.
Sheist.
Come on.
Not cool, Father, not cool.
I look crazy enough as it is, don'tcha know. ;)
Whatever. This is me trustin' & all that garbage we've been practicin' for so long... So I'll follow ya.
*Except I think YOU'RE the crazy one now!! Mom said ingenious last night... And I immediately thought, "Mad Genius is more like it!" but you know that already, Mr. Reader of Thoughts...*
God, I hurt.
Can you please make it go away?
Do I honestly have to ACCEPT every F-ing thing BEFORE I can get out of it??!!!
I am so sick of this shit.
I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & it's never ended.
In THIRTY YEARS it's NEVER ENDED!!!
Oh, Thou hast allowed a breath of relief here & there, I know.
*I've praised you & praised you for every flippin' respite & YOU KNOW IT, so don't get all up in my face about gratitude right now.*
I AM GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I'm ALSO hurting so bad I could die IN THIS MOMENT, & I DON'T F-ing KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I know THOU KNOWEST...
So, tell me already, in a way my brain can absorb, cuz Thou knowest how freakin' lame my brain's been lately, with lack of retention & all that...
CONSEQUENCES OF LAYIN' OUT A LIFE OF ALMOST PURE SURVIVAL FOR THIRTY F-ing YEARS, GOD! A LIFE OF PAIN & ABANDONMENT, BEIN' FORCED & SMOTHERED, CHOKED & STARVED, MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING, & Aaaauuuggghhhh! I seriously can't DO this anymore...
And I know it's not your fault.
Sheist.
And I know you'll turn it all to good.
Flippety-jibbet.
*That is SOOOOO NOT what describes this feeling I'm having!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hate monitoring my language here, God, can you just teach all my mormon friends that you speak ALL languages, sooner rather than later, so I can feel a li'l free-er... It's beginnin' to cramp my style, this lack of awareness of their part... Or maybe it's just ME that's crampin' my style... By continuing to try & protect everyone from my "nastiest" sides... Even when I KNOW that THOU DOST LOVE ME IN EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER WHAT WORDS ARE COMIN' FROM MY MOUTH, NO MATTER HOW F-ing ANGRY I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ach, whatever, I'll think about it later, K? SINCE IT'LL OBVIOUSLY BE POSTED FOR ME TO READ ANY DAMN TIME I WANT TO!!! Ugh. Whatever Again. Too Tired to pissin' care what anybody thinks anymore, just glad to know you do, regardless... OH, Father, I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Physically, these ribs OR WHATEVER's kickin' my trash.
Emotionally, I may die from loneliness any moment now, it's been so long I've FELT TANGIBLE LOVE.
Mentally, I am way too brain-dead to describe that aspect, but whatever, Thou dost already know it better than I anyway.
Spiritually, well, I don't think I'm in any pain that way... Am I?
Shit.
Figures.
Whatever, we both know that doesn't change anything. I'm still standing where I've always stood. Just cuz they've closed that door to me doesn't change anything, really.
But, yes, you're right... It Fuckin' hurts like Hell.
I HATE IT WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So down & dark & yet knowing the light's right there... AND I KNOW IT & ALMOST SEE IT, but I can't FEEL it, so it doesn't mean jacksquat.
And, of course, simultaneously, are all the scriptures & answers to prayers & years of practice in faith & blessings & on & on & on, swirling around in my head, trying to take root, aiming to grab hold of my body & lift it high enough to see out & away from MY OWN SHADOW!!!
But I can't DO ANYTHING about it right now, FATHER!!! Except sit here & type feverishly away at this blasted keyboard, continuing to seek ignorance from the depths of the pain & loneliness & despair & exhaustion I feel!!!!!!!!
And wonder WHY?
HOW?
WHY, how, why, how, why, how,how,how,how,how will you turn it all to good?
I know you will, you always do, but HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?
I'm so sick of being stuck here.
so sick
great, now the tears fall.
I don't understand the essence of necessity in SUCH DEPTHS of PPPPAAAAAIINN...
I don't.
I know I will.
Any minute, hour, day, now... You'll illuminate the situation for me...
As always.
But RIGHT NOW SUCKS SHIT, Father, really. I can envision it like a vacuum...
A dark & dirty vacuum, sucking up the piles & manure readily available in my life.
Oh.
Hah.
hahaha shit that's funny
K, so... This is all happening to SUCK the shit up & OUT of my life?
Like, all this weakness & pain & loneliness & despair?
The excess of it, in this moment, cuz OBVIOUSLY I've been through worse than what I'm going through now, yet it FEELS like the worst it's EVER been...
The excess is my ACCESS to a breakthrough?
So the "shit" gets "suck"ed up & "out" of my WHOLE LIFE???!!
That sounds good to me. =)
*I really love you, God. You are the coolest thing around! ;) Craaaaazzzzy as MAD HATTER, but seriously the most kickin'ly intelligent Being EVER!!!*
Thanks.
Apparently I DID need all that pain.
And loneliness.
And despair.
To clear the last vestiges of past experiences from my mind & body.
Kickin'.
I still hurt, but it feels... Less.
Purely physical now, rather than weighing down in all levels.
I KNEW I had to cry!!! I've been feeling it for hours!
But I couldn't.
I was like damned up.
And then the pressure built & built & BAM, broke.
God, I love you!!! =)))
*They're going to think I'm nuts, you know... And, yes, I WILL blame YOU! ;)*
I LOVE THEE, FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thou art insanely & artistically illuminating!! To the core! None of this even makes sense, but I CAN FEEL THE TRUTH IN IT!
Ahhh, I love the Spirit... So odd, how a word here & there can get me to pause & GET IT.
Finally.
Oh, Father, please help me to cease with the pain... Physically.
I accept it now.
Help me heal.
And quick. ;)
Emotionally, I don't even know what I need, besides callin' mom... Thy will be done there.
Mentally, all I gotta say is: Once I have that stable home you been promisin' me for so long, & steady food in the fridge, & enough money to not have to ask random mexican men at gas stations if they'll put a few in my tank!!!, & my babies with me so I'm not worried about them anymore, God?? Mentally? I better get my brains back. That's all I gotta say, cuz I want to graduate with some kickin' grades & keep gettin' scholarships, & at this rate, I'm gonna fail every damn test!!!!!!!!! Ach, okay, sorry 'bout the bitter-vibe, I'll work on that, too.
Spiritually, oh, Father, help them see. Help them see who I really am, & where I stand, so they'll stop worrying about me & thinkin' I've "strayed" or whatever bullshit. I'm so tired, & it DOES hurt so much, I just don't have the energy anymore to deal with all that crap. Take care of it for me, will ya, thanks.
Ach, I'm hurtin' so bad... gonna go call her now, let her read this, take a bath, eat something, take that Ibuprofen, read a few pages, do the actual kneeling, then fall into blissful *pain-free, right?? Please????????????????????* sleep...
Help me with all that, eh?
I'm gonna forget those steps any second now.
OH, FATHER, THANK THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You amaze me, every time.
I turn to Thee, cuss you out, discover it's all me anyway, let you in, release the garbage, & move on... You freakin' ROCK!!!
Thank Thee, for loving me for always.
Thank Thee for always BEING THERE, oh, how grateful I am to KNOW I'm NOT Alone... even when I FEEL it, & then get to FEEL THY LOVE so soon after the despair!!!!!!
You're really my favorite, please don't ever be anything else but GOD. ;)
Okay, going now.
Hurt, hurt, hurt.
Please bless those steps to work with eliminating the pain, or relieving it, or SOMETHING!!! Ach, whatever.
Thy will be done.
Thou knowest best, anyway.
Annoying, you know.
Whatever, keep on keepin' on with the knowing better, no matter how much I wanna one-up ya... I really do appreciate it!
I'll get over this pride eventually...
Right?
K, love you sooo much, Father,
Oh, & please bless my babies & my husbands & that one man & my friends & my family & everyone else, just like you always do...
In Jesus' Sacred & Everlastingly Awesome & Atoning Name, Amen.

I Am An Enigma, Even To Myself.

Not really, actually, but it still feels that way...
Enough for me to put it in the title, at least, eh? ;)
I feel very intrigued by myself, lately, is what it is, I suppose.
And when one is intrigued by the thoughts, feelings, & actions of their very selves... Well... It indicates that one does not know themselves as well as they thought. Hence: The Enigma Title. ;)
Anyway...
Every single day is an adventure now.
And I like it. =)
But it's also quite challenging to keep up with myself.
To be perfectly candid...
I learn something new about myself each & every day, skipping along within the adventures life's been bringing!
Which is great, don't get me wrong, I LOVE learning about myself.
It's just... I admit to having thought I already knew.
And quite well, in fact.
So it's disconcerting.
To say the least.
And, sometimes...
Just every once in a while...
I miss the "old me".
Predictable.
More conventional.
Known.
But then I get over it. =)))
I AM LOVING LIFE MORE THAN I EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE!!!
I Do Not Miss the way I used to drag out of bed each day.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to feel helpless & powerless.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to FORCE myself to put a positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how thoroughly CRAPPY it was.
*Funny thing about that last one: I now SEE the positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how crappy it is, BECAUSE I stopped spinning it!!! Who Knew??!*
Anyway...
Today I went to a monastery.
In Utah.
*Had no idea we had monks in Utah! =)*
It was peaceful & serene, no doubt.
I was lovin' it.
*Secret, that's probably not that big a secret to many: I used to ache for that type of lifestyle SOOO bad. I longed to SEPARATE myself from ALL people & live a VERY SIMPLE life... GET AS FAR OUT & AWAY FROM THIS STUPID WORLD AS POSSIBLE!*
Oh, how grateful I am that I was steered in a different direction.
I LOVE PEOPLE!!!
I LOVE THIS STUPID, WONDERFUL WORLD!!!
& I LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT!!!
With all their crazy ways. =)))
What a miracle of transformation that's occurred within!
I WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE & LIVE IN THIS STINKIN', MARVELOUS WORLD!!!
I no longer ache to "cease to exist"...
I no longer long for death, or a coma, or SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get me AWAY...
I no longer suffer through each painful experience wondering how long this will last & why does it seem to gravitate towards me like a magnet...
I ACCEPT MY LIFE AS IT IS! =)
What a concept. ;)
A concept that was completely foreign to me Not That Long Ago. =)))
So.
The Monks...
Were hauntingly beautiful...
As they chanted...
And yet incredibly sad...
To me.
Because, you see, they were so weighed down... As if they carried the weight of the world on their shoulders... As if they were weighed down by Christ's Love, not lifted up by it.
And I thought that was sad.
Especially when they sang, "Hear Us, Oh, Lord..." & I KNEW HE DID, but they din't seem to grasp the message that GOD IS LISTENING...
& LOVING THEM IN EVERY MOMENT!!
So, it was beautiful, their chanting...
But void of joy & peace...
Which made it sad, to my view.
Plus.
*Here's the real irony:*
They read the verse about loving our neighbors as ourselves...
And paused for a time, so we could all reflect...
*Hah! LOL!!! It struck me as Hilariously Ironic!!! =)))
Mostly cuz I soooooooooooooooooooooo used to want to separate myself, just as they have, so I UNDERSTAND what they've DONE! =)*
EASIER TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR...
WHEN THERE ARE NONE.
Yeah, I got a REAL glimpse into my previous life/desires in that moment.
Let me tell YOU! ;0
I LOVE MONKS!!!
What a gift in contrast they provide!
I just wanted to hug them all!!
*But...
I held myself back... ;)*
LOL, I love life & all it's lessons & surprises & possibilities for transformation & new direction!! What a gift it all is. =) And how grateful I am that I'm soakin' it up NOW, in the midst of my junk, instead of waiting for SOMEDAY when it all seems BETTER SOMEHOW!!! =)))
That day will never come.
This is my life.
It'll always have "problems".
It'll always have pain.
It'll always have tired & hungry & cold & Not Getting What I Want.
It's life.
And that's alright. =)
Cuz it also always has "solutions".
Also always has joy & peace & pleasure available.
Always has rest & being filled & warm & Getting What I Want
...At Some Point! ;)
It's life.
And that's alright.
By me. =)
*Whoever "ME" may be! LOL, as I've discovered I'm both MORE MYSELF than I've ever been, yet LESS KNOWN than ever!!!*
Love You All, Whether You Know It & Feel It, Or Not,
Praying We All Recognize The Gift That We Have & That We ARE,
Angelina

Like That No One's Reading Anymore

Really... I do.
There's a Freedom in knowing that y'all never/rarely check this blog anymore...
Have discovered that I do NOT enjoy "expectations" one whit.
Been clearing my life of people's expectations lately, & finding a freedom of expression I've never experienced before. =)
So, now that I've realized this... Here goes nothin'...

I'm cranky & resigned in the area of love.
Who knew? Used to get so frustrated with my hubby, cuz he didn't fully believe that I loved him... Have now discovered:
I never fully believed him, either.
Quite shocking, really, as I am so faith-filled & loving.
Had no idea I'd buried layers of resignation & cynicism beneath *faaarr beneath* the surface. To discover this within myself has been disturbing, to say the least.

Fell in love recently...
Intoxicating & Inspiring...
Filled with Fun & Freedom...
Magnificence & Magnetism...
Completely Smitten... Like NEVER before.
Softly & Safely... *Did I mention, LIKE NEVER BEFORE??*
And I didn't really recognize it, &/or know what to do with it, so I didn't really allow it to just be what it was.
Cuz of layers of resignation & cynicism... Buried deep...
Though rising to the surface, for sure.

Here I've been, for so long:
"I love EVERYBODY, soooo much... All the SAME... 'Super-Christ-like'... Cuz EVERYONE's so marvelous!!!"
*Not negating the power & truth in my love, nor the validity of each person's innate marvelousness... Just sayin': Have realized some foolishness on my part, is all.*
Truth is:
I DO love some "more" than others.
I DO find a "different" kind of love within different relationships.
And I've been too terrified to admit that.
Cuz it HURTS when it's not returned in similar fashion, does it not??
My poor ex-husband.
No Wonder he DIDN'T FEEL loved by ME, the Goddess of all things Loving...
I didn't "let him in"... I loved "everybody sooo much"!!! Including him, OF COURSE!! But... Was he really unique to me? Besides having children with him?? No.
At least, not so I would admit it, if it was there anywhere.
*Not even sure, to this day, whether there was ever anything more than physical attraction & friendship...* Super-sad, eh?
I am soooooooooooooo Human.
*LOL, only took me 30 years to figure it out!!! ;)*

Anyway, enough of that. He & I have both chosen this. It's all good between us, & we're safely charting out our co-parenting course. Learning to respect each other better than ever. =)
I express NOT Regret... Simply a "WOW... Really? I DID that?? Had no idea!!" kind of a thing.
Moving on/back toward my recent experience & realizations again...

Never met a man like this before.
I could go on for days, to be perfectly honest.
I could talk about his character qualities for... Ever.
But I won't.
Not in the mood for full-disclosure.
*Would rather bask in his presence. But I guess I'm not in the mood for that either, eh? Or I'd be doing something besides expressing myself, through words, in this Beautiful Library...*
*Something to Think about.*
Have met so many men lately...
They're comin' out of the woodwork!! ;)
And ALL have had qualities that would allow for me to enjoy spending time with them, & getting to know them better...
But there's ONE... Who's different... And I recognize that... Now.
And I don't know what to do about it.
That recognition.
*WHAT DOES ONE DO??? DO, DO, DO??! When they realize they're madly, deeply, ridiculously in love with someone? I mean, honestly?!! I HAVEN'T A CLUE. The last couple of times I THOUGHT I was... I don't think I went about it Quite Intelligently... Cuz the results I got were sucky, destroyed marriages... You know? Ach, Maybe I'm closer to the FULL-DISCLOSURE arena than I'd realized! ;) Ugh.*

So...
I've been treating him the same as all the rest.
And talking about him no differently than I ever have, talked about any man. OR NOT talking about him the same as I always have, talked about any man. Either way. It amounts to the same thing:
*I'M BEING the SAME as "always"... Coming into a realization that I WANT things to be DIFFERENT... And HOPING for DIFFERENT Results... Yet... BEING the SAME as I've "always" BEEN.*
And what have we learned to call that?
Yep. Crazy.
***Hey Someone text' me that the other day!!! LOL, he was RIGHT!!!! =) LOL, Hilarious!!! Oh, Laws, that is Too-Too IRONIC. =) Not that that was what he was referring to, but STILL! To have it be proven correct within 48 hrs. BY MY OWN ADMISSION... That's freakin' awesome.***

K... So... WHAT Am I Learning Here?? Through this magnificent medium of self-expression??
**WHEN YOU, whoever you are, DO, eventually, READ THIS...
If I'm not making sense... Just shrug & love me anyway, K? Thanks.
I'm finally making sense to MYSELF, & that's all that matters to me, at this point. Your comprehension of "ME" is, though I DO love you so, not really essential in my life anymore! =)**

Ach, I don't know...
Love Sucks.
Is it even "LOVE"?
I don't have a freakin' clue.
It's got similar enough markers... I'm sure of that, at least.
But it IS sooooo different than any other experience I've ever had...
And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel soooooooooooo different from any other time I've experienced MYSELF!!!
I don't even know if it's "LOVE" or not.
It's SOMETHING.
That's for damn sure.
Darn.
Whatever.

I hate this.
This "not knowing" place.
Been here before... In Life... ;)
And I always hate it.
Loathe, Detest, & Despise.
**Yeah, yeah, I know... I feel some of you thinking, "It Is what it Is, Ang... Just Accept it..." And my response is: "What do you think I'm tryin' to DO here, Bucko?? Express, so as to acknowledge, then accept & allow it/me to BE... So, relax yo'self!!! And release me to my own perfection, in processing through this MY OWN WAY. Trust in my ability to get'er DONE... No matter how many flippety-jibbet words it takes, plus intensity. Capisci??!"
Nothin' personal, of course! ;) XOXO!!!**

So.
I'm not particularly in the mood to BE "CRAZY"...
And, as we have recently defined "CRAZY" as "doing the same thing over & over again, expecting different results"...
It's time I chose another way of going about this whole "falling in love" thing, right?
I thought so. ;)

Now.
I admit to an attachment toward the outcome regarding this particular man...
*That's the same as the past.*
I admit to my "hope" being cuddled up with "expectation" a bit too snuggly...
*The fact that it IS is the same as the past. That I recognize it: Different.*
I also admit to being MORE attached to the hope, outcome, & whatever THAN EVER BEFORE... *****Which scares the kajeebies outta me. Cuz I've been a pretty intense & passionate person, regarding similar matters (okay, okay, in nearly EVERYTHING), in the past... And thought I'd gone through THE MOST "desired" "relationship" EVER... Already!!! Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!!! To be experiencing THIS is NOT something I EVER ANTICIPATED. But I CANNOT deny what I'm feeling. (Been tryin' to... Hasn't worked out so well for me...) Ugh. Loathe this.*****

K, so. Focus, Ang... Focus.
*Same old attachment; Different degree.*
Hmmm... And what do we get from all this??
In order to TRULY ACT/BE DIFFERENT (hence, NOT "crazy"), so as to obtain DIFFERENT RESULTS...
I must...
Choose...
To...
WHAT???!!!
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! *ACH, did I mention I HATE This??*
Ugly, stupid, S.O.B. called Love!
What the heck kind of bullcrap is it, anyway?
Just tears people apart when they can't figure it out.
Cuz we keep tryin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep hopin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep fallin'...
Like idiots.
Over & over & over again!!!
Oh, when will it end???
I'm not sure, but I believe, it can stop right here... With me.
Again, Not sure how, but I think it's true... It can stop right here... With you.
Cuz we keep tryin'
Regardless.
And we keep hopin'
Regardless.
And we keep fallin'
Regardless.
And we keep gettin' up.
Regardless.
Over & over & over again!!!
Because LOVE never ends!!!
I am sure now... I believe... It can go on forever... With me.
Still I don't know how... But now I know it's true... It can go on forever... With you.
Cuz I'll keep tryin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep hopin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In love with you...
Over & over & over again!
Cuz my love never ends!
The more I sing, the more I believe, it can & will go on forever... With me.
Doesn't even matter how, I just know it's true... it can & will go on forever... With you.

Okay, well. That was unanticipated. =) Rock ON! I LOVE expressing myself!!!
Getting songs out of it is KICK-TUSHIE!-out-of-this-world-AWESOME!
K, re-focus, Ang...
Ummm, I think I was realizing what I needed to DO Differently, in order to NOT be "crazy" AND, to get Different results...
Um... Express myself, then LET IT GO...
Faster than ever before.
Like Lightning! ;)
LOL, Grease Lightning!!! ;)

Oh, oh! AND...
NOT always TO the one I'm fabulously, ridiculously in love with!!! =)))
AND...
NOT always TO EVERYONE on the planet!!!
**This blog NOT being in that category, though it may seem as such...
For the following reasons:
A) Nobody's been reading it for a while, & probably won't read it again for some time.
B) I'm not going to share that I've posted anything. =) AND
C) I've given nary a clue as to who he is!
HAH! I LOVE being both MORE & LESS open, ALL at ONCE!!! ;)**
Oh, oh, oh!!! AND...
NOT always in great detail, as previously mentioned, rehashing every nuance & possible outcome.
FABULOUS!!! *Welcome to the inner workings of my mind! ;)*
*Not to mention the way the songs flow out of me, at times... That was practically perfect from the get-go!!! WOOHOO!!! =)*
Gotta go! ;)

Song to record, food to eat, life to live!!!
Praying y'all are comin' into your own powers of self-expression, whatever glorious form they take,
Angelina

Wow. What A Month!

I truly am in Awe of my Life!!! This last month or so, wow, has been increasingly marvelous. =) And I look forward to every aspect of my existence, from here on out! =)))
So, briefly, as I "should" be sleeping... I want to share some of what I've experienced this last li'l while...

Just celebrated my 30th Birthday... WooHoo!!! ***I made it!!! =)
And I gotta say, it was Definitely my Best Birthday EVER.
Had no expectations... Just trusted it would all be perfectly whatever was needed...
And received more from God than I ever could have imagined.
Well, at least all in ONE Day!! ;)
I'm a bit too tired now to dive in to the details, but I want to share this key piece:

God loves each one of us sooooooooo much more than we comprehend & allow Him to express! This I know FOR SURE, beyond any knowledge I had previously.
What I was gifted with, over the last few days & especially on my B-day itself, cannot even be expressed within words!!
So I'm not even gonna put more words into it, K? ;)
God loves us.
That means YOU. ;)
And I'm so grateful for the peace this brings me... Even in not-seemingly-so-desirable-experiences... =)))

Love you ALL,
Praying we each cease trying to control so much, & just let Him do what He does best, & not judge His timing & methods,
Angelina

P.S. My Non-Profit Organization, Funding Faith... Yeah, I know I thought I had it all done several months ago... But there was a glitch, & I'd misunderstood & thought it was finalized... when it wasn't.
But it is NOW!!! =) One of God's gifts to me, This 30th Birthday, was to orchestrate the final pieces of getting it rolling. =))) Without me even lifting a finger. ;)
What joy & marvelousness...
HaPPy BirthDAY, ANgeliNA!!! ;)

Have Some News!!!

Wow. My life is fascinating!!! I cannot get over how it continues to be soooo Fascinating, all the darn time! Never a dull moment!

In fact, someone recently didn't believe me that I've NEVER had a dull moment... But it's true! Peaceful & Serene, yes... Dull? Never. ;)

Anyway, I really do apologize, everyone:

I have not been true to my word, & haven't kept up with this blog.

Am committing now to have a once-a-month post again.

I LOVE YOU ALL, NO MATTER WHAT!!!

*So, I hope y'all will forgive me! =)))*

I have had a crazy, beautiful last several months... And would love to recap, but I'd rather look forward, instead of back, K? ;)

Guess what I just finally did??!?!??

I recorded 2 of my songs for You!

Isn't that grand? I finally made good on my promise!

*Only took me forever, right?! ;)*

They're being posted on YouTube, as I type!!! =)))

I am sooo blessed to have the marvelous friends that I have! You ALL contribute sooo much to my life. It continuously astounds me. And I'm sorry for all the times I lamented "having no talents, except being an excellent friend"... What a load of Bull!!! I am Beyond grateful for my friendships. AND Beyond grateful for all that my friendships return unto me!

YOU are sooo Marvelous to Me!!!

*Even if we haven't spoken in years!*

I LOVE & APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH!!!

You've No Idea how much YOU've contributed to my life!

Each & every one of you.

I know I've told you before, but I don't know how deep you let it sink in... *And you better know who you are & how valuable you are to me. I don't just spout these words cuz they're "nice", you know! I speak true acknowledgments here, folks.* I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Because You ADD VALUE To MY LIFE!

Which translates into:

YOU ARE A VALUABLE ADDITION TO LIFE, FOLKS!!!

And don't you forget it.

LOL, wow. Am I thanking you or yelling at you? ;)

Both, I think. ;) Anyway, It's late, & I just got on to share that I'd recorded the songs, & I couldn't help but express a portion of my gratitude towards y'all... You really are the best group of friends on the planet, I tell you what! ;)

Every person that has loved & supported me is Amazing. Period.

And I pray for blessings to rain down on your lives, unceasingly, for all the service you've rendered...

*And I'm gonna take as many of you as I can to the vacation of your choice someday!!! =))) WooHoo, when Ang is a Billionaire!!!*

K, gotta go, I'm officially on YouTube now! =)

Love you Always,

Pray we ALL reach our dreams & goals,

Ang

Ach! I Missed December!!!

Wow... I remember ATTempTing To Blog in December, having a STruggle wiTh The Technology, saying I'd do iT anoTher nighT... And now here I am!!! In January!
Had sooooooooooooooooooo much To share, Too!!! =)
I've been having The mosT Amazing experiences LaTeLy, & I Truly wish I could share The majoriTy of Them wiTh you...
BuT, honesTly, They're mosTly indescribable.
All I can say, To sum up is: GOD IS GOOD!!!
& Miracles STiLL Abound!!! WooHoo!!! =)))
The Healing ThaT's Taken place in my life is AsTounding.
I feel like a DifferenT person.
Happy.
Whole.
Open.
IT's Phenomonal! =)))
Now I jusT goTTa convince myself To conTinue consciously choosing This openness... Which is verrry challenging!
To say The leasT!
I feel vulnerable, being so open... So willing To accepT such marvelous joy in my life, from whaTever sources iT may come.
IT's scary someTimes.
Especially when iT STems from cerTain Sources...
Like... Ones in Male form...
Yeah. I know.
I wouldn'T've ever Thunk iT, believe you me!
BuT God has, in His InfiniTe Wisdom, deemed "Healing wiTh Men" of ImminenT Value for me. And I couldn'T've escaped if I Tried!
*Which I DID!*
(Why? I don'T know. Why NOW? I really WanT To Know!!!)
All I do know is This:
I've meT a few greaT men wiThin The lasT monTh...
Such GreaT Men ThaT I CANNOT DISPUTE Their Goodness.
AggravaTing. ;) BuT iT is helping me enormously.
To have New friends. ThaT are Guys.
ThaT I don'T feel any darkness lurking wiThin...
I like iT.
Even Though iT sTreTches my ComforT Zone IMMENSELY!!!
Regardless of The awkwardness of ThaT ParTicuLar modaliTy of healing, I am indescribably GraTeful for Heavenly FaTher's Wisdom in my life!!!
The Fabulous Plan of Happiness ThaT He's seT up for us grows more clear & AsTounding To me every day! =))) The marvelous ATonemenT of our Savior shows up in more deeply applicable ways every single week, if noT daily!! =)))
And I AM TRULY HAPPY, WHOLE, & OPEN!!!
Even afTer ALL ThaT's occurred!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God is Love, ThaT's for darn sure! =)))
Loving you all, Neverendingly, UncondiTionally,
Praying ThaT ALL of YOU are Ever-ShifTing inTo GreaTer & GreaTer RealizaTions of our FaTher's love for Us, & The Savior's Healing Power,
Angelina
P.S. I have a CAR again!!! Yay! Woohoo!!! =)))