26 July, 2010
Prayer of Gratitude
Dearest Father,
I didn't intend to get on here & pray to Thee last night, but tonight is intentional:
Father, how I Thank Thee!!
I called my mom last night, & it was just what I needed.
I bathed & breathed & ate & remembered all the steps necessary to help me get through the physical aspect of my residual pain.
Thou didst help me with all that, as I asked Thee to.
As Thou dost always do.
Thank Thee for helping me get out of my own way. =)
I'm such a stubborn fool sometimes.
Thank Thee for turning my weaknesses into strengths.
Oh, Father, today was heavenly... Thank Thee for offsetting the torture of the previous day & providing a truly restful Sabbath for me.
Please bless those I interacted with, especially those I felt to semi-"preach" to. I know it was all in reminding them that they are more loved by Thee than they can currently comprehend, but I also know how uncomfortable & unbelievable it is for so many when I do that... Please bless them to absorb the truths spoken in a time-frame that is healthy for them.
Oh, Father, I'm still hurting & tired, & though I did gain so much more than anticipated from church, it was so hard on my body today... Please help me to know tomorrow how to balance between what my body needs & what needs to be done in order to get the children back.
I miss them so, Father, & Thou knowest how I am counting on Thee.
Please bless me to be open & NOT get in Thy Way!!!
I love Thee, & Thank Thee for ALL that Thou hast provided...
I am so blessed!!
K, I'm ready to sleep now... Please assist me with that, as well... =)
Sheesh, can I do anything on my own?? ;)
I love Thee soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!
Thank Thee for Thy wisdom & grace & guidance & strength & everything else Thou hast provided for me...
I'd not trade them for ANYTHING, Father.
And I'll aim, yet again, not to complain about the mode through which Thou dost provide such gifts. =)
As I DO recognize that Thou dost know BEST!!! ;)
Good Night, Father,
In Jesus' Marvelous Name, Amen.
I didn't intend to get on here & pray to Thee last night, but tonight is intentional:
Father, how I Thank Thee!!
I called my mom last night, & it was just what I needed.
I bathed & breathed & ate & remembered all the steps necessary to help me get through the physical aspect of my residual pain.
Thou didst help me with all that, as I asked Thee to.
As Thou dost always do.
Thank Thee for helping me get out of my own way. =)
I'm such a stubborn fool sometimes.
Thank Thee for turning my weaknesses into strengths.
Oh, Father, today was heavenly... Thank Thee for offsetting the torture of the previous day & providing a truly restful Sabbath for me.
Please bless those I interacted with, especially those I felt to semi-"preach" to. I know it was all in reminding them that they are more loved by Thee than they can currently comprehend, but I also know how uncomfortable & unbelievable it is for so many when I do that... Please bless them to absorb the truths spoken in a time-frame that is healthy for them.
Oh, Father, I'm still hurting & tired, & though I did gain so much more than anticipated from church, it was so hard on my body today... Please help me to know tomorrow how to balance between what my body needs & what needs to be done in order to get the children back.
I miss them so, Father, & Thou knowest how I am counting on Thee.
Please bless me to be open & NOT get in Thy Way!!!
I love Thee, & Thank Thee for ALL that Thou hast provided...
I am so blessed!!
K, I'm ready to sleep now... Please assist me with that, as well... =)
Sheesh, can I do anything on my own?? ;)
I love Thee soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!
Thank Thee for Thy wisdom & grace & guidance & strength & everything else Thou hast provided for me...
I'd not trade them for ANYTHING, Father.
And I'll aim, yet again, not to complain about the mode through which Thou dost provide such gifts. =)
As I DO recognize that Thou dost know BEST!!! ;)
Good Night, Father,
In Jesus' Marvelous Name, Amen.
25 July, 2010
Soaking in Sadness/Pressured By Pain
Dear God Above, Why?
Today was such a beautiful day...
And I ALWAYS end my nights well now... How can it be that I've turned into such a pathetic, pain-filled plop??
And so soon after such satisfaction?
Ach, & I'm waxing poetic... Disgusting the drama that is me tonight.
OH, help.
My back & neck ache beyond anything I've experienced in some time.
My body longs to be held & comforted.
My car is parked & I cannot escape within a wind-filled drive.
*I know it's only parked 'til I get the dang license reinstated, which will probably be tomorrow, but still!! I'M LIVING IN THE NOW, HERE, GOD, HELP ME NNNOOOWWW!!!*
And, of course, I could go on with all the things torturing me, at this current snippet of time, but Thou dost know it all already...
So there's no point.
*I'm too tired to spell it all out, JUST GIVE ME RELIEF...*
I can barely think.
I hurt so bad.
I want it all fixed.
And I know Thou art working on it, I do.
But I'm cranky & in the midst of my cycle & lonely & on & on & on...
And I don't know what to do.
It's like, I know there's an answer, that Thou hast already given me, but which one is it??
Read my scriptures?
Or take a bath...
Get on my knees to pray?
*Instead of sitting in this crappy chair, with my fingers glued to the keyboard for hours, seeking some elusive comfort from long-distance friends &/or peace through expressing myself via blog? Problem being, of course, that I'm so tired & in so much pain that I REALLY DO feel GLUED to this chair & keyboard!!! I'm sure giving up in exhaustion, & crawling -literally- to my equally crappy board of a bed, is just around the corner, but it hasn't occurred yet, & I'm somehow still here... Not sure why, really. Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!*
Or take an F-ing Ibuprofen...
Force myself to bawl & sob & gnash my teeth?
Or stuff my face with much-needed food...
Call my mother?
Or hmmm...
That might be it.
It did give me pause, as none of the others did...
So, what.
Finish up expressing here & call my mother in the middle of the night?
Couldn't you have gotten that suggestion through to me without all the crap I just went through on Facebook & here???
Is all this outpouring of pain & piss & vinegar REALLY necessary??
Thou knowest I don't like everyone knowing my inner, inner stuff! Ach, but I can feel it already... I won't delete this.
Sheist.
Come on.
Not cool, Father, not cool.
I look crazy enough as it is, don'tcha know. ;)
Whatever. This is me trustin' & all that garbage we've been practicin' for so long... So I'll follow ya.
*Except I think YOU'RE the crazy one now!! Mom said ingenious last night... And I immediately thought, "Mad Genius is more like it!" but you know that already, Mr. Reader of Thoughts...*
God, I hurt.
Can you please make it go away?
Do I honestly have to ACCEPT every F-ing thing BEFORE I can get out of it??!!!
I am so sick of this shit.
I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & it's never ended.
In THIRTY YEARS it's NEVER ENDED!!!
Oh, Thou hast allowed a breath of relief here & there, I know.
*I've praised you & praised you for every flippin' respite & YOU KNOW IT, so don't get all up in my face about gratitude right now.*
I AM GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I'm ALSO hurting so bad I could die IN THIS MOMENT, & I DON'T F-ing KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I know THOU KNOWEST...
So, tell me already, in a way my brain can absorb, cuz Thou knowest how freakin' lame my brain's been lately, with lack of retention & all that...
CONSEQUENCES OF LAYIN' OUT A LIFE OF ALMOST PURE SURVIVAL FOR THIRTY F-ing YEARS, GOD! A LIFE OF PAIN & ABANDONMENT, BEIN' FORCED & SMOTHERED, CHOKED & STARVED, MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING, & Aaaauuuggghhhh! I seriously can't DO this anymore...
And I know it's not your fault.
Sheist.
And I know you'll turn it all to good.
Flippety-jibbet.
*That is SOOOOO NOT what describes this feeling I'm having!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hate monitoring my language here, God, can you just teach all my mormon friends that you speak ALL languages, sooner rather than later, so I can feel a li'l free-er... It's beginnin' to cramp my style, this lack of awareness of their part... Or maybe it's just ME that's crampin' my style... By continuing to try & protect everyone from my "nastiest" sides... Even when I KNOW that THOU DOST LOVE ME IN EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER WHAT WORDS ARE COMIN' FROM MY MOUTH, NO MATTER HOW F-ing ANGRY I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ach, whatever, I'll think about it later, K? SINCE IT'LL OBVIOUSLY BE POSTED FOR ME TO READ ANY DAMN TIME I WANT TO!!! Ugh. Whatever Again. Too Tired to pissin' care what anybody thinks anymore, just glad to know you do, regardless... OH, Father, I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Physically, these ribs OR WHATEVER's kickin' my trash.
Emotionally, I may die from loneliness any moment now, it's been so long I've FELT TANGIBLE LOVE.
Mentally, I am way too brain-dead to describe that aspect, but whatever, Thou dost already know it better than I anyway.
Spiritually, well, I don't think I'm in any pain that way... Am I?
Shit.
Figures.
Whatever, we both know that doesn't change anything. I'm still standing where I've always stood. Just cuz they've closed that door to me doesn't change anything, really.
But, yes, you're right... It Fuckin' hurts like Hell.
I HATE IT WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So down & dark & yet knowing the light's right there... AND I KNOW IT & ALMOST SEE IT, but I can't FEEL it, so it doesn't mean jacksquat.
And, of course, simultaneously, are all the scriptures & answers to prayers & years of practice in faith & blessings & on & on & on, swirling around in my head, trying to take root, aiming to grab hold of my body & lift it high enough to see out & away from MY OWN SHADOW!!!
But I can't DO ANYTHING about it right now, FATHER!!! Except sit here & type feverishly away at this blasted keyboard, continuing to seek ignorance from the depths of the pain & loneliness & despair & exhaustion I feel!!!!!!!!
And wonder WHY?
HOW?
WHY, how, why, how, why, how,how,how,how,how will you turn it all to good?
I know you will, you always do, but HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?
I'm so sick of being stuck here.
so sick
great, now the tears fall.
I don't understand the essence of necessity in SUCH DEPTHS of PPPPAAAAAIINN...
I don't.
I know I will.
Any minute, hour, day, now... You'll illuminate the situation for me...
As always.
But RIGHT NOW SUCKS SHIT, Father, really. I can envision it like a vacuum...
A dark & dirty vacuum, sucking up the piles & manure readily available in my life.
Oh.
Hah.
hahaha shit that's funny
K, so... This is all happening to SUCK the shit up & OUT of my life?
Like, all this weakness & pain & loneliness & despair?
The excess of it, in this moment, cuz OBVIOUSLY I've been through worse than what I'm going through now, yet it FEELS like the worst it's EVER been...
The excess is my ACCESS to a breakthrough?
So the "shit" gets "suck"ed up & "out" of my WHOLE LIFE???!!
That sounds good to me. =)
*I really love you, God. You are the coolest thing around! ;) Craaaaazzzzy as MAD HATTER, but seriously the most kickin'ly intelligent Being EVER!!!*
Thanks.
Apparently I DID need all that pain.
And loneliness.
And despair.
To clear the last vestiges of past experiences from my mind & body.
Kickin'.
I still hurt, but it feels... Less.
Purely physical now, rather than weighing down in all levels.
I KNEW I had to cry!!! I've been feeling it for hours!
But I couldn't.
I was like damned up.
And then the pressure built & built & BAM, broke.
God, I love you!!! =)))
*They're going to think I'm nuts, you know... And, yes, I WILL blame YOU! ;)*
I LOVE THEE, FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thou art insanely & artistically illuminating!! To the core! None of this even makes sense, but I CAN FEEL THE TRUTH IN IT!
Ahhh, I love the Spirit... So odd, how a word here & there can get me to pause & GET IT.
Finally.
Oh, Father, please help me to cease with the pain... Physically.
I accept it now.
Help me heal.
And quick. ;)
Emotionally, I don't even know what I need, besides callin' mom... Thy will be done there.
Mentally, all I gotta say is: Once I have that stable home you been promisin' me for so long, & steady food in the fridge, & enough money to not have to ask random mexican men at gas stations if they'll put a few in my tank!!!, & my babies with me so I'm not worried about them anymore, God?? Mentally? I better get my brains back. That's all I gotta say, cuz I want to graduate with some kickin' grades & keep gettin' scholarships, & at this rate, I'm gonna fail every damn test!!!!!!!!! Ach, okay, sorry 'bout the bitter-vibe, I'll work on that, too.
Spiritually, oh, Father, help them see. Help them see who I really am, & where I stand, so they'll stop worrying about me & thinkin' I've "strayed" or whatever bullshit. I'm so tired, & it DOES hurt so much, I just don't have the energy anymore to deal with all that crap. Take care of it for me, will ya, thanks.
Ach, I'm hurtin' so bad... gonna go call her now, let her read this, take a bath, eat something, take that Ibuprofen, read a few pages, do the actual kneeling, then fall into blissful *pain-free, right?? Please????????????????????* sleep...
Help me with all that, eh?
I'm gonna forget those steps any second now.
OH, FATHER, THANK THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You amaze me, every time.
I turn to Thee, cuss you out, discover it's all me anyway, let you in, release the garbage, & move on... You freakin' ROCK!!!
Thank Thee, for loving me for always.
Thank Thee for always BEING THERE, oh, how grateful I am to KNOW I'm NOT Alone... even when I FEEL it, & then get to FEEL THY LOVE so soon after the despair!!!!!!
You're really my favorite, please don't ever be anything else but GOD. ;)
Okay, going now.
Hurt, hurt, hurt.
Please bless those steps to work with eliminating the pain, or relieving it, or SOMETHING!!! Ach, whatever.
Thy will be done.
Thou knowest best, anyway.
Annoying, you know.
Whatever, keep on keepin' on with the knowing better, no matter how much I wanna one-up ya... I really do appreciate it!
I'll get over this pride eventually...
Right?
K, love you sooo much, Father,
Oh, & please bless my babies & my husbands & that one man & my friends & my family & everyone else, just like you always do...
In Jesus' Sacred & Everlastingly Awesome & Atoning Name, Amen.
Today was such a beautiful day...
And I ALWAYS end my nights well now... How can it be that I've turned into such a pathetic, pain-filled plop??
And so soon after such satisfaction?
Ach, & I'm waxing poetic... Disgusting the drama that is me tonight.
OH, help.
My back & neck ache beyond anything I've experienced in some time.
My body longs to be held & comforted.
My car is parked & I cannot escape within a wind-filled drive.
*I know it's only parked 'til I get the dang license reinstated, which will probably be tomorrow, but still!! I'M LIVING IN THE NOW, HERE, GOD, HELP ME NNNOOOWWW!!!*
And, of course, I could go on with all the things torturing me, at this current snippet of time, but Thou dost know it all already...
So there's no point.
*I'm too tired to spell it all out, JUST GIVE ME RELIEF...*
I can barely think.
I hurt so bad.
I want it all fixed.
And I know Thou art working on it, I do.
But I'm cranky & in the midst of my cycle & lonely & on & on & on...
And I don't know what to do.
It's like, I know there's an answer, that Thou hast already given me, but which one is it??
Read my scriptures?
Or take a bath...
Get on my knees to pray?
*Instead of sitting in this crappy chair, with my fingers glued to the keyboard for hours, seeking some elusive comfort from long-distance friends &/or peace through expressing myself via blog? Problem being, of course, that I'm so tired & in so much pain that I REALLY DO feel GLUED to this chair & keyboard!!! I'm sure giving up in exhaustion, & crawling -literally- to my equally crappy board of a bed, is just around the corner, but it hasn't occurred yet, & I'm somehow still here... Not sure why, really. Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!*
Or take an F-ing Ibuprofen...
Force myself to bawl & sob & gnash my teeth?
Or stuff my face with much-needed food...
Call my mother?
Or hmmm...
That might be it.
It did give me pause, as none of the others did...
So, what.
Finish up expressing here & call my mother in the middle of the night?
Couldn't you have gotten that suggestion through to me without all the crap I just went through on Facebook & here???
Is all this outpouring of pain & piss & vinegar REALLY necessary??
Thou knowest I don't like everyone knowing my inner, inner stuff! Ach, but I can feel it already... I won't delete this.
Sheist.
Come on.
Not cool, Father, not cool.
I look crazy enough as it is, don'tcha know. ;)
Whatever. This is me trustin' & all that garbage we've been practicin' for so long... So I'll follow ya.
*Except I think YOU'RE the crazy one now!! Mom said ingenious last night... And I immediately thought, "Mad Genius is more like it!" but you know that already, Mr. Reader of Thoughts...*
God, I hurt.
Can you please make it go away?
Do I honestly have to ACCEPT every F-ing thing BEFORE I can get out of it??!!!
I am so sick of this shit.
I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & it's never ended.
In THIRTY YEARS it's NEVER ENDED!!!
Oh, Thou hast allowed a breath of relief here & there, I know.
*I've praised you & praised you for every flippin' respite & YOU KNOW IT, so don't get all up in my face about gratitude right now.*
I AM GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I'm ALSO hurting so bad I could die IN THIS MOMENT, & I DON'T F-ing KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I know THOU KNOWEST...
So, tell me already, in a way my brain can absorb, cuz Thou knowest how freakin' lame my brain's been lately, with lack of retention & all that...
CONSEQUENCES OF LAYIN' OUT A LIFE OF ALMOST PURE SURVIVAL FOR THIRTY F-ing YEARS, GOD! A LIFE OF PAIN & ABANDONMENT, BEIN' FORCED & SMOTHERED, CHOKED & STARVED, MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING, & Aaaauuuggghhhh! I seriously can't DO this anymore...
And I know it's not your fault.
Sheist.
And I know you'll turn it all to good.
Flippety-jibbet.
*That is SOOOOO NOT what describes this feeling I'm having!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hate monitoring my language here, God, can you just teach all my mormon friends that you speak ALL languages, sooner rather than later, so I can feel a li'l free-er... It's beginnin' to cramp my style, this lack of awareness of their part... Or maybe it's just ME that's crampin' my style... By continuing to try & protect everyone from my "nastiest" sides... Even when I KNOW that THOU DOST LOVE ME IN EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER WHAT WORDS ARE COMIN' FROM MY MOUTH, NO MATTER HOW F-ing ANGRY I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ach, whatever, I'll think about it later, K? SINCE IT'LL OBVIOUSLY BE POSTED FOR ME TO READ ANY DAMN TIME I WANT TO!!! Ugh. Whatever Again. Too Tired to pissin' care what anybody thinks anymore, just glad to know you do, regardless... OH, Father, I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Physically, these ribs OR WHATEVER's kickin' my trash.
Emotionally, I may die from loneliness any moment now, it's been so long I've FELT TANGIBLE LOVE.
Mentally, I am way too brain-dead to describe that aspect, but whatever, Thou dost already know it better than I anyway.
Spiritually, well, I don't think I'm in any pain that way... Am I?
Shit.
Figures.
Whatever, we both know that doesn't change anything. I'm still standing where I've always stood. Just cuz they've closed that door to me doesn't change anything, really.
But, yes, you're right... It Fuckin' hurts like Hell.
I HATE IT WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So down & dark & yet knowing the light's right there... AND I KNOW IT & ALMOST SEE IT, but I can't FEEL it, so it doesn't mean jacksquat.
And, of course, simultaneously, are all the scriptures & answers to prayers & years of practice in faith & blessings & on & on & on, swirling around in my head, trying to take root, aiming to grab hold of my body & lift it high enough to see out & away from MY OWN SHADOW!!!
But I can't DO ANYTHING about it right now, FATHER!!! Except sit here & type feverishly away at this blasted keyboard, continuing to seek ignorance from the depths of the pain & loneliness & despair & exhaustion I feel!!!!!!!!
And wonder WHY?
HOW?
WHY, how, why, how, why, how,how,how,how,how will you turn it all to good?
I know you will, you always do, but HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?
I'm so sick of being stuck here.
so sick
great, now the tears fall.
I don't understand the essence of necessity in SUCH DEPTHS of PPPPAAAAAIINN...
I don't.
I know I will.
Any minute, hour, day, now... You'll illuminate the situation for me...
As always.
But RIGHT NOW SUCKS SHIT, Father, really. I can envision it like a vacuum...
A dark & dirty vacuum, sucking up the piles & manure readily available in my life.
Oh.
Hah.
hahaha shit that's funny
K, so... This is all happening to SUCK the shit up & OUT of my life?
Like, all this weakness & pain & loneliness & despair?
The excess of it, in this moment, cuz OBVIOUSLY I've been through worse than what I'm going through now, yet it FEELS like the worst it's EVER been...
The excess is my ACCESS to a breakthrough?
So the "shit" gets "suck"ed up & "out" of my WHOLE LIFE???!!
That sounds good to me. =)
*I really love you, God. You are the coolest thing around! ;) Craaaaazzzzy as MAD HATTER, but seriously the most kickin'ly intelligent Being EVER!!!*
Thanks.
Apparently I DID need all that pain.
And loneliness.
And despair.
To clear the last vestiges of past experiences from my mind & body.
Kickin'.
I still hurt, but it feels... Less.
Purely physical now, rather than weighing down in all levels.
I KNEW I had to cry!!! I've been feeling it for hours!
But I couldn't.
I was like damned up.
And then the pressure built & built & BAM, broke.
God, I love you!!! =)))
*They're going to think I'm nuts, you know... And, yes, I WILL blame YOU! ;)*
I LOVE THEE, FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thou art insanely & artistically illuminating!! To the core! None of this even makes sense, but I CAN FEEL THE TRUTH IN IT!
Ahhh, I love the Spirit... So odd, how a word here & there can get me to pause & GET IT.
Finally.
Oh, Father, please help me to cease with the pain... Physically.
I accept it now.
Help me heal.
And quick. ;)
Emotionally, I don't even know what I need, besides callin' mom... Thy will be done there.
Mentally, all I gotta say is: Once I have that stable home you been promisin' me for so long, & steady food in the fridge, & enough money to not have to ask random mexican men at gas stations if they'll put a few in my tank!!!, & my babies with me so I'm not worried about them anymore, God?? Mentally? I better get my brains back. That's all I gotta say, cuz I want to graduate with some kickin' grades & keep gettin' scholarships, & at this rate, I'm gonna fail every damn test!!!!!!!!! Ach, okay, sorry 'bout the bitter-vibe, I'll work on that, too.
Spiritually, oh, Father, help them see. Help them see who I really am, & where I stand, so they'll stop worrying about me & thinkin' I've "strayed" or whatever bullshit. I'm so tired, & it DOES hurt so much, I just don't have the energy anymore to deal with all that crap. Take care of it for me, will ya, thanks.
Ach, I'm hurtin' so bad... gonna go call her now, let her read this, take a bath, eat something, take that Ibuprofen, read a few pages, do the actual kneeling, then fall into blissful *pain-free, right?? Please????????????????????* sleep...
Help me with all that, eh?
I'm gonna forget those steps any second now.
OH, FATHER, THANK THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You amaze me, every time.
I turn to Thee, cuss you out, discover it's all me anyway, let you in, release the garbage, & move on... You freakin' ROCK!!!
Thank Thee, for loving me for always.
Thank Thee for always BEING THERE, oh, how grateful I am to KNOW I'm NOT Alone... even when I FEEL it, & then get to FEEL THY LOVE so soon after the despair!!!!!!
You're really my favorite, please don't ever be anything else but GOD. ;)
Okay, going now.
Hurt, hurt, hurt.
Please bless those steps to work with eliminating the pain, or relieving it, or SOMETHING!!! Ach, whatever.
Thy will be done.
Thou knowest best, anyway.
Annoying, you know.
Whatever, keep on keepin' on with the knowing better, no matter how much I wanna one-up ya... I really do appreciate it!
I'll get over this pride eventually...
Right?
K, love you sooo much, Father,
Oh, & please bless my babies & my husbands & that one man & my friends & my family & everyone else, just like you always do...
In Jesus' Sacred & Everlastingly Awesome & Atoning Name, Amen.
24 July, 2010
I Am An Enigma, Even To Myself.
Not really, actually, but it still feels that way...
Enough for me to put it in the title, at least, eh? ;)
I feel very intrigued by myself, lately, is what it is, I suppose.
And when one is intrigued by the thoughts, feelings, & actions of their very selves... Well... It indicates that one does not know themselves as well as they thought. Hence: The Enigma Title. ;)
Anyway...
Every single day is an adventure now.
And I like it. =)
But it's also quite challenging to keep up with myself.
To be perfectly candid...
I learn something new about myself each & every day, skipping along within the adventures life's been bringing!
Which is great, don't get me wrong, I LOVE learning about myself.
It's just... I admit to having thought I already knew.
And quite well, in fact.
So it's disconcerting.
To say the least.
And, sometimes...
Just every once in a while...
I miss the "old me".
Predictable.
More conventional.
Known.
But then I get over it. =)))
I AM LOVING LIFE MORE THAN I EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE!!!
I Do Not Miss the way I used to drag out of bed each day.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to feel helpless & powerless.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to FORCE myself to put a positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how thoroughly CRAPPY it was.
*Funny thing about that last one: I now SEE the positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how crappy it is, BECAUSE I stopped spinning it!!! Who Knew??!*
Anyway...
Today I went to a monastery.
In Utah.
*Had no idea we had monks in Utah! =)*
It was peaceful & serene, no doubt.
I was lovin' it.
*Secret, that's probably not that big a secret to many: I used to ache for that type of lifestyle SOOO bad. I longed to SEPARATE myself from ALL people & live a VERY SIMPLE life... GET AS FAR OUT & AWAY FROM THIS STUPID WORLD AS POSSIBLE!*
Oh, how grateful I am that I was steered in a different direction.
I LOVE PEOPLE!!!
I LOVE THIS STUPID, WONDERFUL WORLD!!!
& I LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT!!!
With all their crazy ways. =)))
What a miracle of transformation that's occurred within!
I WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE & LIVE IN THIS STINKIN', MARVELOUS WORLD!!!
I no longer ache to "cease to exist"...
I no longer long for death, or a coma, or SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get me AWAY...
I no longer suffer through each painful experience wondering how long this will last & why does it seem to gravitate towards me like a magnet...
I ACCEPT MY LIFE AS IT IS! =)
What a concept. ;)
A concept that was completely foreign to me Not That Long Ago. =)))
So.
The Monks...
Were hauntingly beautiful...
As they chanted...
And yet incredibly sad...
To me.
Because, you see, they were so weighed down... As if they carried the weight of the world on their shoulders... As if they were weighed down by Christ's Love, not lifted up by it.
And I thought that was sad.
Especially when they sang, "Hear Us, Oh, Lord..." & I KNEW HE DID, but they din't seem to grasp the message that GOD IS LISTENING...
& LOVING THEM IN EVERY MOMENT!!
So, it was beautiful, their chanting...
But void of joy & peace...
Which made it sad, to my view.
Plus.
*Here's the real irony:*
They read the verse about loving our neighbors as ourselves...
And paused for a time, so we could all reflect...
*Hah! LOL!!! It struck me as Hilariously Ironic!!! =)))
Mostly cuz I soooooooooooooooooooooo used to want to separate myself, just as they have, so I UNDERSTAND what they've DONE! =)*
EASIER TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR...
WHEN THERE ARE NONE.
Yeah, I got a REAL glimpse into my previous life/desires in that moment.
Let me tell YOU! ;0
I LOVE MONKS!!!
What a gift in contrast they provide!
I just wanted to hug them all!!
*But...
I held myself back... ;)*
LOL, I love life & all it's lessons & surprises & possibilities for transformation & new direction!! What a gift it all is. =) And how grateful I am that I'm soakin' it up NOW, in the midst of my junk, instead of waiting for SOMEDAY when it all seems BETTER SOMEHOW!!! =)))
That day will never come.
This is my life.
It'll always have "problems".
It'll always have pain.
It'll always have tired & hungry & cold & Not Getting What I Want.
It's life.
And that's alright. =)
Cuz it also always has "solutions".
Also always has joy & peace & pleasure available.
Always has rest & being filled & warm & Getting What I Want
...At Some Point! ;)
It's life.
And that's alright.
By me. =)
*Whoever "ME" may be! LOL, as I've discovered I'm both MORE MYSELF than I've ever been, yet LESS KNOWN than ever!!!*
Love You All, Whether You Know It & Feel It, Or Not,
Praying We All Recognize The Gift That We Have & That We ARE,
Angelina
Enough for me to put it in the title, at least, eh? ;)
I feel very intrigued by myself, lately, is what it is, I suppose.
And when one is intrigued by the thoughts, feelings, & actions of their very selves... Well... It indicates that one does not know themselves as well as they thought. Hence: The Enigma Title. ;)
Anyway...
Every single day is an adventure now.
And I like it. =)
But it's also quite challenging to keep up with myself.
To be perfectly candid...
I learn something new about myself each & every day, skipping along within the adventures life's been bringing!
Which is great, don't get me wrong, I LOVE learning about myself.
It's just... I admit to having thought I already knew.
And quite well, in fact.
So it's disconcerting.
To say the least.
And, sometimes...
Just every once in a while...
I miss the "old me".
Predictable.
More conventional.
Known.
But then I get over it. =)))
I AM LOVING LIFE MORE THAN I EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE!!!
I Do Not Miss the way I used to drag out of bed each day.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to feel helpless & powerless.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to FORCE myself to put a positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how thoroughly CRAPPY it was.
*Funny thing about that last one: I now SEE the positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how crappy it is, BECAUSE I stopped spinning it!!! Who Knew??!*
Anyway...
Today I went to a monastery.
In Utah.
*Had no idea we had monks in Utah! =)*
It was peaceful & serene, no doubt.
I was lovin' it.
*Secret, that's probably not that big a secret to many: I used to ache for that type of lifestyle SOOO bad. I longed to SEPARATE myself from ALL people & live a VERY SIMPLE life... GET AS FAR OUT & AWAY FROM THIS STUPID WORLD AS POSSIBLE!*
Oh, how grateful I am that I was steered in a different direction.
I LOVE PEOPLE!!!
I LOVE THIS STUPID, WONDERFUL WORLD!!!
& I LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT!!!
With all their crazy ways. =)))
What a miracle of transformation that's occurred within!
I WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE & LIVE IN THIS STINKIN', MARVELOUS WORLD!!!
I no longer ache to "cease to exist"...
I no longer long for death, or a coma, or SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get me AWAY...
I no longer suffer through each painful experience wondering how long this will last & why does it seem to gravitate towards me like a magnet...
I ACCEPT MY LIFE AS IT IS! =)
What a concept. ;)
A concept that was completely foreign to me Not That Long Ago. =)))
So.
The Monks...
Were hauntingly beautiful...
As they chanted...
And yet incredibly sad...
To me.
Because, you see, they were so weighed down... As if they carried the weight of the world on their shoulders... As if they were weighed down by Christ's Love, not lifted up by it.
And I thought that was sad.
Especially when they sang, "Hear Us, Oh, Lord..." & I KNEW HE DID, but they din't seem to grasp the message that GOD IS LISTENING...
& LOVING THEM IN EVERY MOMENT!!
So, it was beautiful, their chanting...
But void of joy & peace...
Which made it sad, to my view.
Plus.
*Here's the real irony:*
They read the verse about loving our neighbors as ourselves...
And paused for a time, so we could all reflect...
*Hah! LOL!!! It struck me as Hilariously Ironic!!! =)))
Mostly cuz I soooooooooooooooooooooo used to want to separate myself, just as they have, so I UNDERSTAND what they've DONE! =)*
EASIER TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR...
WHEN THERE ARE NONE.
Yeah, I got a REAL glimpse into my previous life/desires in that moment.
Let me tell YOU! ;0
I LOVE MONKS!!!
What a gift in contrast they provide!
I just wanted to hug them all!!
*But...
I held myself back... ;)*
LOL, I love life & all it's lessons & surprises & possibilities for transformation & new direction!! What a gift it all is. =) And how grateful I am that I'm soakin' it up NOW, in the midst of my junk, instead of waiting for SOMEDAY when it all seems BETTER SOMEHOW!!! =)))
That day will never come.
This is my life.
It'll always have "problems".
It'll always have pain.
It'll always have tired & hungry & cold & Not Getting What I Want.
It's life.
And that's alright. =)
Cuz it also always has "solutions".
Also always has joy & peace & pleasure available.
Always has rest & being filled & warm & Getting What I Want
...At Some Point! ;)
It's life.
And that's alright.
By me. =)
*Whoever "ME" may be! LOL, as I've discovered I'm both MORE MYSELF than I've ever been, yet LESS KNOWN than ever!!!*
Love You All, Whether You Know It & Feel It, Or Not,
Praying We All Recognize The Gift That We Have & That We ARE,
Angelina
08 July, 2010
Like That No One's Reading Anymore
Really... I do.
There's a Freedom in knowing that y'all never/rarely check this blog anymore...
Have discovered that I do NOT enjoy "expectations" one whit.
Been clearing my life of people's expectations lately, & finding a freedom of expression I've never experienced before. =)
So, now that I've realized this... Here goes nothin'...
I'm cranky & resigned in the area of love.
Who knew? Used to get so frustrated with my hubby, cuz he didn't fully believe that I loved him... Have now discovered:
I never fully believed him, either.
Quite shocking, really, as I am so faith-filled & loving.
Had no idea I'd buried layers of resignation & cynicism beneath *faaarr beneath* the surface. To discover this within myself has been disturbing, to say the least.
Fell in love recently...
Intoxicating & Inspiring...
Filled with Fun & Freedom...
Magnificence & Magnetism...
Completely Smitten... Like NEVER before.
Softly & Safely... *Did I mention, LIKE NEVER BEFORE??*
And I didn't really recognize it, &/or know what to do with it, so I didn't really allow it to just be what it was.
Cuz of layers of resignation & cynicism... Buried deep...
Though rising to the surface, for sure.
Here I've been, for so long:
"I love EVERYBODY, soooo much... All the SAME... 'Super-Christ-like'... Cuz EVERYONE's so marvelous!!!"
*Not negating the power & truth in my love, nor the validity of each person's innate marvelousness... Just sayin': Have realized some foolishness on my part, is all.*
Truth is:
I DO love some "more" than others.
I DO find a "different" kind of love within different relationships.
And I've been too terrified to admit that.
Cuz it HURTS when it's not returned in similar fashion, does it not??
My poor ex-husband.
No Wonder he DIDN'T FEEL loved by ME, the Goddess of all things Loving...
I didn't "let him in"... I loved "everybody sooo much"!!! Including him, OF COURSE!! But... Was he really unique to me? Besides having children with him?? No.
At least, not so I would admit it, if it was there anywhere.
*Not even sure, to this day, whether there was ever anything more than physical attraction & friendship...* Super-sad, eh?
I am soooooooooooooo Human.
*LOL, only took me 30 years to figure it out!!! ;)*
Anyway, enough of that. He & I have both chosen this. It's all good between us, & we're safely charting out our co-parenting course. Learning to respect each other better than ever. =)
I express NOT Regret... Simply a "WOW... Really? I DID that?? Had no idea!!" kind of a thing.
Moving on/back toward my recent experience & realizations again...
Never met a man like this before.
I could go on for days, to be perfectly honest.
I could talk about his character qualities for... Ever.
But I won't.
Not in the mood for full-disclosure.
*Would rather bask in his presence. But I guess I'm not in the mood for that either, eh? Or I'd be doing something besides expressing myself, through words, in this Beautiful Library...*
*Something to Think about.*
Have met so many men lately...
They're comin' out of the woodwork!! ;)
And ALL have had qualities that would allow for me to enjoy spending time with them, & getting to know them better...
But there's ONE... Who's different... And I recognize that... Now.
And I don't know what to do about it.
That recognition.
*WHAT DOES ONE DO??? DO, DO, DO??! When they realize they're madly, deeply, ridiculously in love with someone? I mean, honestly?!! I HAVEN'T A CLUE. The last couple of times I THOUGHT I was... I don't think I went about it Quite Intelligently... Cuz the results I got were sucky, destroyed marriages... You know? Ach, Maybe I'm closer to the FULL-DISCLOSURE arena than I'd realized! ;) Ugh.*
So...
I've been treating him the same as all the rest.
And talking about him no differently than I ever have, talked about any man. OR NOT talking about him the same as I always have, talked about any man. Either way. It amounts to the same thing:
*I'M BEING the SAME as "always"... Coming into a realization that I WANT things to be DIFFERENT... And HOPING for DIFFERENT Results... Yet... BEING the SAME as I've "always" BEEN.*
And what have we learned to call that?
Yep. Crazy.
***Hey Someone text' me that the other day!!! LOL, he was RIGHT!!!! =) LOL, Hilarious!!! Oh, Laws, that is Too-Too IRONIC. =) Not that that was what he was referring to, but STILL! To have it be proven correct within 48 hrs. BY MY OWN ADMISSION... That's freakin' awesome.***
K... So... WHAT Am I Learning Here?? Through this magnificent medium of self-expression??
**WHEN YOU, whoever you are, DO, eventually, READ THIS...
If I'm not making sense... Just shrug & love me anyway, K? Thanks.
I'm finally making sense to MYSELF, & that's all that matters to me, at this point. Your comprehension of "ME" is, though I DO love you so, not really essential in my life anymore! =)**
Ach, I don't know...
Love Sucks.
Is it even "LOVE"?
I don't have a freakin' clue.
It's got similar enough markers... I'm sure of that, at least.
But it IS sooooo different than any other experience I've ever had...
And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel soooooooooooo different from any other time I've experienced MYSELF!!!
I don't even know if it's "LOVE" or not.
It's SOMETHING.
That's for damn sure.
Darn.
Whatever.
I hate this.
This "not knowing" place.
Been here before... In Life... ;)
And I always hate it.
Loathe, Detest, & Despise.
**Yeah, yeah, I know... I feel some of you thinking, "It Is what it Is, Ang... Just Accept it..." And my response is: "What do you think I'm tryin' to DO here, Bucko?? Express, so as to acknowledge, then accept & allow it/me to BE... So, relax yo'self!!! And release me to my own perfection, in processing through this MY OWN WAY. Trust in my ability to get'er DONE... No matter how many flippety-jibbet words it takes, plus intensity. Capisci??!"
Nothin' personal, of course! ;) XOXO!!!**
So.
I'm not particularly in the mood to BE "CRAZY"...
And, as we have recently defined "CRAZY" as "doing the same thing over & over again, expecting different results"...
It's time I chose another way of going about this whole "falling in love" thing, right?
I thought so. ;)
Now.
I admit to an attachment toward the outcome regarding this particular man...
*That's the same as the past.*
I admit to my "hope" being cuddled up with "expectation" a bit too snuggly...
*The fact that it IS is the same as the past. That I recognize it: Different.*
I also admit to being MORE attached to the hope, outcome, & whatever THAN EVER BEFORE... *****Which scares the kajeebies outta me. Cuz I've been a pretty intense & passionate person, regarding similar matters (okay, okay, in nearly EVERYTHING), in the past... And thought I'd gone through THE MOST "desired" "relationship" EVER... Already!!! Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!!! To be experiencing THIS is NOT something I EVER ANTICIPATED. But I CANNOT deny what I'm feeling. (Been tryin' to... Hasn't worked out so well for me...) Ugh. Loathe this.*****
K, so. Focus, Ang... Focus.
*Same old attachment; Different degree.*
Hmmm... And what do we get from all this??
In order to TRULY ACT/BE DIFFERENT (hence, NOT "crazy"), so as to obtain DIFFERENT RESULTS...
I must...
Choose...
To...
WHAT???!!!
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! *ACH, did I mention I HATE This??*
Ugly, stupid, S.O.B. called Love!
What the heck kind of bullcrap is it, anyway?
Just tears people apart when they can't figure it out.
Cuz we keep tryin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep hopin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep fallin'...
Like idiots.
Over & over & over again!!!
Oh, when will it end???
I'm not sure, but I believe, it can stop right here... With me.
Again, Not sure how, but I think it's true... It can stop right here... With you.
Cuz we keep tryin'
Regardless.
And we keep hopin'
Regardless.
And we keep fallin'
Regardless.
And we keep gettin' up.
Regardless.
Over & over & over again!!!
Because LOVE never ends!!!
I am sure now... I believe... It can go on forever... With me.
Still I don't know how... But now I know it's true... It can go on forever... With you.
Cuz I'll keep tryin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep hopin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In love with you...
Over & over & over again!
Cuz my love never ends!
The more I sing, the more I believe, it can & will go on forever... With me.
Doesn't even matter how, I just know it's true... it can & will go on forever... With you.
Okay, well. That was unanticipated. =) Rock ON! I LOVE expressing myself!!!
Getting songs out of it is KICK-TUSHIE!-out-of-this-world-AWESOME!
K, re-focus, Ang...
Ummm, I think I was realizing what I needed to DO Differently, in order to NOT be "crazy" AND, to get Different results...
Um... Express myself, then LET IT GO...
Faster than ever before.
Like Lightning! ;)
LOL, Grease Lightning!!! ;)
Oh, oh! AND...
NOT always TO the one I'm fabulously, ridiculously in love with!!! =)))
AND...
NOT always TO EVERYONE on the planet!!!
**This blog NOT being in that category, though it may seem as such...
For the following reasons:
A) Nobody's been reading it for a while, & probably won't read it again for some time.
B) I'm not going to share that I've posted anything. =) AND
C) I've given nary a clue as to who he is!
HAH! I LOVE being both MORE & LESS open, ALL at ONCE!!! ;)**
Oh, oh, oh!!! AND...
NOT always in great detail, as previously mentioned, rehashing every nuance & possible outcome.
FABULOUS!!! *Welcome to the inner workings of my mind! ;)*
*Not to mention the way the songs flow out of me, at times... That was practically perfect from the get-go!!! WOOHOO!!! =)*
Gotta go! ;)
Song to record, food to eat, life to live!!!
Praying y'all are comin' into your own powers of self-expression, whatever glorious form they take,
Angelina
There's a Freedom in knowing that y'all never/rarely check this blog anymore...
Have discovered that I do NOT enjoy "expectations" one whit.
Been clearing my life of people's expectations lately, & finding a freedom of expression I've never experienced before. =)
So, now that I've realized this... Here goes nothin'...
I'm cranky & resigned in the area of love.
Who knew? Used to get so frustrated with my hubby, cuz he didn't fully believe that I loved him... Have now discovered:
I never fully believed him, either.
Quite shocking, really, as I am so faith-filled & loving.
Had no idea I'd buried layers of resignation & cynicism beneath *faaarr beneath* the surface. To discover this within myself has been disturbing, to say the least.
Fell in love recently...
Intoxicating & Inspiring...
Filled with Fun & Freedom...
Magnificence & Magnetism...
Completely Smitten... Like NEVER before.
Softly & Safely... *Did I mention, LIKE NEVER BEFORE??*
And I didn't really recognize it, &/or know what to do with it, so I didn't really allow it to just be what it was.
Cuz of layers of resignation & cynicism... Buried deep...
Though rising to the surface, for sure.
Here I've been, for so long:
"I love EVERYBODY, soooo much... All the SAME... 'Super-Christ-like'... Cuz EVERYONE's so marvelous!!!"
*Not negating the power & truth in my love, nor the validity of each person's innate marvelousness... Just sayin': Have realized some foolishness on my part, is all.*
Truth is:
I DO love some "more" than others.
I DO find a "different" kind of love within different relationships.
And I've been too terrified to admit that.
Cuz it HURTS when it's not returned in similar fashion, does it not??
My poor ex-husband.
No Wonder he DIDN'T FEEL loved by ME, the Goddess of all things Loving...
I didn't "let him in"... I loved "everybody sooo much"!!! Including him, OF COURSE!! But... Was he really unique to me? Besides having children with him?? No.
At least, not so I would admit it, if it was there anywhere.
*Not even sure, to this day, whether there was ever anything more than physical attraction & friendship...* Super-sad, eh?
I am soooooooooooooo Human.
*LOL, only took me 30 years to figure it out!!! ;)*
Anyway, enough of that. He & I have both chosen this. It's all good between us, & we're safely charting out our co-parenting course. Learning to respect each other better than ever. =)
I express NOT Regret... Simply a "WOW... Really? I DID that?? Had no idea!!" kind of a thing.
Moving on/back toward my recent experience & realizations again...
Never met a man like this before.
I could go on for days, to be perfectly honest.
I could talk about his character qualities for... Ever.
But I won't.
Not in the mood for full-disclosure.
*Would rather bask in his presence. But I guess I'm not in the mood for that either, eh? Or I'd be doing something besides expressing myself, through words, in this Beautiful Library...*
*Something to Think about.*
Have met so many men lately...
They're comin' out of the woodwork!! ;)
And ALL have had qualities that would allow for me to enjoy spending time with them, & getting to know them better...
But there's ONE... Who's different... And I recognize that... Now.
And I don't know what to do about it.
That recognition.
*WHAT DOES ONE DO??? DO, DO, DO??! When they realize they're madly, deeply, ridiculously in love with someone? I mean, honestly?!! I HAVEN'T A CLUE. The last couple of times I THOUGHT I was... I don't think I went about it Quite Intelligently... Cuz the results I got were sucky, destroyed marriages... You know? Ach, Maybe I'm closer to the FULL-DISCLOSURE arena than I'd realized! ;) Ugh.*
So...
I've been treating him the same as all the rest.
And talking about him no differently than I ever have, talked about any man. OR NOT talking about him the same as I always have, talked about any man. Either way. It amounts to the same thing:
*I'M BEING the SAME as "always"... Coming into a realization that I WANT things to be DIFFERENT... And HOPING for DIFFERENT Results... Yet... BEING the SAME as I've "always" BEEN.*
And what have we learned to call that?
Yep. Crazy.
***Hey Someone text' me that the other day!!! LOL, he was RIGHT!!!! =) LOL, Hilarious!!! Oh, Laws, that is Too-Too IRONIC. =) Not that that was what he was referring to, but STILL! To have it be proven correct within 48 hrs. BY MY OWN ADMISSION... That's freakin' awesome.***
K... So... WHAT Am I Learning Here?? Through this magnificent medium of self-expression??
**WHEN YOU, whoever you are, DO, eventually, READ THIS...
If I'm not making sense... Just shrug & love me anyway, K? Thanks.
I'm finally making sense to MYSELF, & that's all that matters to me, at this point. Your comprehension of "ME" is, though I DO love you so, not really essential in my life anymore! =)**
Ach, I don't know...
Love Sucks.
Is it even "LOVE"?
I don't have a freakin' clue.
It's got similar enough markers... I'm sure of that, at least.
But it IS sooooo different than any other experience I've ever had...
And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel soooooooooooo different from any other time I've experienced MYSELF!!!
I don't even know if it's "LOVE" or not.
It's SOMETHING.
That's for damn sure.
Darn.
Whatever.
I hate this.
This "not knowing" place.
Been here before... In Life... ;)
And I always hate it.
Loathe, Detest, & Despise.
**Yeah, yeah, I know... I feel some of you thinking, "It Is what it Is, Ang... Just Accept it..." And my response is: "What do you think I'm tryin' to DO here, Bucko?? Express, so as to acknowledge, then accept & allow it/me to BE... So, relax yo'self!!! And release me to my own perfection, in processing through this MY OWN WAY. Trust in my ability to get'er DONE... No matter how many flippety-jibbet words it takes, plus intensity. Capisci??!"
Nothin' personal, of course! ;) XOXO!!!**
So.
I'm not particularly in the mood to BE "CRAZY"...
And, as we have recently defined "CRAZY" as "doing the same thing over & over again, expecting different results"...
It's time I chose another way of going about this whole "falling in love" thing, right?
I thought so. ;)
Now.
I admit to an attachment toward the outcome regarding this particular man...
*That's the same as the past.*
I admit to my "hope" being cuddled up with "expectation" a bit too snuggly...
*The fact that it IS is the same as the past. That I recognize it: Different.*
I also admit to being MORE attached to the hope, outcome, & whatever THAN EVER BEFORE... *****Which scares the kajeebies outta me. Cuz I've been a pretty intense & passionate person, regarding similar matters (okay, okay, in nearly EVERYTHING), in the past... And thought I'd gone through THE MOST "desired" "relationship" EVER... Already!!! Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!!! To be experiencing THIS is NOT something I EVER ANTICIPATED. But I CANNOT deny what I'm feeling. (Been tryin' to... Hasn't worked out so well for me...) Ugh. Loathe this.*****
K, so. Focus, Ang... Focus.
*Same old attachment; Different degree.*
Hmmm... And what do we get from all this??
In order to TRULY ACT/BE DIFFERENT (hence, NOT "crazy"), so as to obtain DIFFERENT RESULTS...
I must...
Choose...
To...
WHAT???!!!
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! *ACH, did I mention I HATE This??*
Ugly, stupid, S.O.B. called Love!
What the heck kind of bullcrap is it, anyway?
Just tears people apart when they can't figure it out.
Cuz we keep tryin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep hopin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep fallin'...
Like idiots.
Over & over & over again!!!
Oh, when will it end???
I'm not sure, but I believe, it can stop right here... With me.
Again, Not sure how, but I think it's true... It can stop right here... With you.
Cuz we keep tryin'
Regardless.
And we keep hopin'
Regardless.
And we keep fallin'
Regardless.
And we keep gettin' up.
Regardless.
Over & over & over again!!!
Because LOVE never ends!!!
I am sure now... I believe... It can go on forever... With me.
Still I don't know how... But now I know it's true... It can go on forever... With you.
Cuz I'll keep tryin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep hopin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In love with you...
Over & over & over again!
Cuz my love never ends!
The more I sing, the more I believe, it can & will go on forever... With me.
Doesn't even matter how, I just know it's true... it can & will go on forever... With you.
Okay, well. That was unanticipated. =) Rock ON! I LOVE expressing myself!!!
Getting songs out of it is KICK-TUSHIE!-out-of-this-world-AWESOME!
K, re-focus, Ang...
Ummm, I think I was realizing what I needed to DO Differently, in order to NOT be "crazy" AND, to get Different results...
Um... Express myself, then LET IT GO...
Faster than ever before.
Like Lightning! ;)
LOL, Grease Lightning!!! ;)
Oh, oh! AND...
NOT always TO the one I'm fabulously, ridiculously in love with!!! =)))
AND...
NOT always TO EVERYONE on the planet!!!
**This blog NOT being in that category, though it may seem as such...
For the following reasons:
A) Nobody's been reading it for a while, & probably won't read it again for some time.
B) I'm not going to share that I've posted anything. =) AND
C) I've given nary a clue as to who he is!
HAH! I LOVE being both MORE & LESS open, ALL at ONCE!!! ;)**
Oh, oh, oh!!! AND...
NOT always in great detail, as previously mentioned, rehashing every nuance & possible outcome.
FABULOUS!!! *Welcome to the inner workings of my mind! ;)*
*Not to mention the way the songs flow out of me, at times... That was practically perfect from the get-go!!! WOOHOO!!! =)*
Gotta go! ;)
Song to record, food to eat, life to live!!!
Praying y'all are comin' into your own powers of self-expression, whatever glorious form they take,
Angelina
04 July, 2010
Wow. What A Month!
I truly am in Awe of my Life!!! This last month or so, wow, has been increasingly marvelous. =) And I look forward to every aspect of my existence, from here on out! =)))
So, briefly, as I "should" be sleeping... I want to share some of what I've experienced this last li'l while...
Just celebrated my 30th Birthday... WooHoo!!! ***I made it!!! =)
And I gotta say, it was Definitely my Best Birthday EVER.
Had no expectations... Just trusted it would all be perfectly whatever was needed...
And received more from God than I ever could have imagined.
Well, at least all in ONE Day!! ;)
I'm a bit too tired now to dive in to the details, but I want to share this key piece:
God loves each one of us sooooooooo much more than we comprehend & allow Him to express! This I know FOR SURE, beyond any knowledge I had previously.
What I was gifted with, over the last few days & especially on my B-day itself, cannot even be expressed within words!!
So I'm not even gonna put more words into it, K? ;)
God loves us.
That means YOU. ;)
And I'm so grateful for the peace this brings me... Even in not-seemingly-so-desirable-experiences... =)))
Love you ALL,
Praying we each cease trying to control so much, & just let Him do what He does best, & not judge His timing & methods,
Angelina
P.S. My Non-Profit Organization, Funding Faith... Yeah, I know I thought I had it all done several months ago... But there was a glitch, & I'd misunderstood & thought it was finalized... when it wasn't.
But it is NOW!!! =) One of God's gifts to me, This 30th Birthday, was to orchestrate the final pieces of getting it rolling. =))) Without me even lifting a finger. ;)
What joy & marvelousness...
HaPPy BirthDAY, ANgeliNA!!! ;)
So, briefly, as I "should" be sleeping... I want to share some of what I've experienced this last li'l while...
Just celebrated my 30th Birthday... WooHoo!!! ***I made it!!! =)
And I gotta say, it was Definitely my Best Birthday EVER.
Had no expectations... Just trusted it would all be perfectly whatever was needed...
And received more from God than I ever could have imagined.
Well, at least all in ONE Day!! ;)
I'm a bit too tired now to dive in to the details, but I want to share this key piece:
God loves each one of us sooooooooo much more than we comprehend & allow Him to express! This I know FOR SURE, beyond any knowledge I had previously.
What I was gifted with, over the last few days & especially on my B-day itself, cannot even be expressed within words!!
So I'm not even gonna put more words into it, K? ;)
God loves us.
That means YOU. ;)
And I'm so grateful for the peace this brings me... Even in not-seemingly-so-desirable-experiences... =)))
Love you ALL,
Praying we each cease trying to control so much, & just let Him do what He does best, & not judge His timing & methods,
Angelina
P.S. My Non-Profit Organization, Funding Faith... Yeah, I know I thought I had it all done several months ago... But there was a glitch, & I'd misunderstood & thought it was finalized... when it wasn't.
But it is NOW!!! =) One of God's gifts to me, This 30th Birthday, was to orchestrate the final pieces of getting it rolling. =))) Without me even lifting a finger. ;)
What joy & marvelousness...
HaPPy BirthDAY, ANgeliNA!!! ;)
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