What DO I Want?

I'm attending an Institute class.
A stranger, in the computer lab, randomly asked me to come one day.
*I rarely resist random. ;) Though at times I'm not so keen on the direction the universe steers me.*
I didn't want to.
Really didn't.
As the subject is Marriage & Family.
Eternal, no less.
But I felt the nudge, on two different occasions...
And began attending.

It's a beautiful course.
With subject matter I'm well familiar with.
And used to delight in.

I'm so jaded & cynical about marriage now, of any type, let alone ETERNAL! A match for me is not easily found.
*So I've discovered through the signing of 2 different sets of divorce papers over the last few years...*
A real man out there?
Sure.
*Maybe you know of one?? Right.
He's YOUR husband??
How marvelous for you...
BUT:
Sorry, honey, he doesn't count...
Unless you want him to be mine! ;)*
A man who honors his word?
Keeps his commitments?
Maintains fidelity?
Remains tender & caring?
Provides for the family?
Acknowledges & uses the Atonement?
Believes in the power & love of God?
Follows his promptings to the best of his ability?
Leaving behind pride & judgment??
Loves ME with all his heart, only second to God?????
Right.
Oh, yeah. Eternal marriage is what got me here...
Believes & follows the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to the best of his ability?
Willing & wanting to take me to the Temple, continue going after that first time, & both honor AND keep the covenants he makes in that sacred house???
Sure.
Uh-huh.
I don't think so.
ADD TO THAT all my Personal Desires in a Man, which I won't fully share here, as I'm semi-cognizant of the public aspect of this blog...
PLUS, I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IN WANTING IT ANYMORE!!!
One who loves me so much he'd be like that man in the movie "My Name Is Khan" & go to whatever lengths necessary to procure & keep my love & happiness?
*Someone recently said, when I mentioned that I want a love like in that movie, "What. You want me to be retarded?!" Not funny & hilarious at the same time! =) If you haven't seen it, you should.
It's beyond beautiful.*
One who loves every aspect of me, even when I'm bitchy & exhausted, or silly & stupid, foolish & irrational??? How about when I'm adoring him EVEN WHEN HE'S BEEN A JERK? Yeah, I want a man who can handle me loving him in moments when he despises himself.
*That's the kicker. Knocks every one of 'em outta the ring.
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" hehehe... Oh, I love myself. =) I'm Hilarious! ;)*
One who loves other people, as well? Who recognizes the humanity in himself & can thus recognize it in all others??
*This is my biggest one, actually. In a way.*
One who is thrilled by the fact that I'm giving my body to him?
And in awe of what a privilege that is??
*I'm not kidding. Thrill & awe.
No matter how pale I am & wrinkly I become! ;) I could go on on the subject, but it's sacred & private, so I won't. But, truly, passion MUST be addressed, for I refuse to live within a marriage without it, for doing so is a tragic waste.*
One who can walk that line between respecting my intelligence & still knowing when they're right... Who stays a MAN... even alongside a POWERFUL woman? One who can tell me to shut up, but so gently & firmly that I cannot help but love him more for it??
*Have had this experience. Briefly. Enough to know of it, & desire more of the same type of individual: A man who can put a woman in her place gently & sweetly is a man to be desired. That same man recognizing his woman's ability to do the same is a gift from God.*
One who loves the fact that I love the whole world? And I will stop at nothing to accomplish what I've been moved upon to accomplish in this world?? Who LOVES me for it & doesn't feel threatened or jealous in any way?

I'm done.
Cannot share any more of what I know I need in a man. What I do actually desire, though I hide the intensity of it from myself quite regularly. *Oh, yeah, & One who can "handle" my intensity
AND LOVE ME FOR IT?!! Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!*
For I feel the resignation & cynicism coming to the forefront more powerfully with each sentence I type.
And I originally got on here to speak of the hope I feel when attending my li'l religious class...

They've got me.
Hook, line, & not sunk yet, but sinking blissfully into the depths of the simultaneously warm & yet cool springs of pleasant doctrine they dispense with each session...
*Actually, it's quite painful to hear, more frequently than not, yet still soothes my soul & proffers hope of such a life for me... Which I SERIOUSLY do NOT understand!! And kinda ticks me off, now that I think about it... Voodoo witch doctors! ;) ****Okay, okay, to all out there that may ever read this, that are not of a positive mindset towards the LDS church: Please do not take that last comment seriously, or any other that you may see as a negative slant toward the church. I love the church, & it's tenets, & it's yada-yada EVERYTHING, okay? I've researched & prayed & tested & researched & prayed & tested some more, over & over & over again... And I don't want my words to EVER be used for an argument against the LDS church, K? Nor do I want it used in any negative way, period. Not that I can control this, once it leaves my mouth or is printed, but I post this "disclaimer" while I'm cognizant enough to do so, regardless.**** How I can feel the way I feel when attending Institute I just don't know. Must be magic! ;)*

So.
I'm officially resigned towards men.
Cynical about marriage.
Jaded regarding an eternity where the two mentioned above, & myself, are mixed.
Yet...
I find that I DO WANT that whole deal.
The man.
*One, thanks. Appreciate ALL that the many men who've come into my life have given me, by way of healing & self-awareness & much, much more... BUT I just want ONE man. Y'all have many marvelous attributes, & have assisted God in opening my eyes to the possibility of another -ugh- marriage someday, but I need ONE man that holds some of each of your traits... AND WANTS ME MORE THAN HE COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED WANTING ANY WOMAN!!! Only then, with ONE MAN, can I live the life I so desire. Sorry, to the many, though individual you may be... That I'm monogamous. ;)*
The marriage.
*Why, why, why did you design it this way, God?? I'm still quakin' in my boots over the thought of that much commitment coming out of me again... I don't want to commit to almost ANYTHING these days, let alone a man & a marriage!!! Thou knowest how committed I am! Once I'm in, I'm in. AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I know that was the PAST & everything, but jiminy... I'm scared. Yet I see the wisdom in it, now even more than before... But I really wish you'd designed it so I didn't need to do that whole marriage thing again...*
And forever.
*Uh-huh. Here we get to why I gotta do the marriage deal...
Cuz I want forever, with one man, always & eternally & never-ending & however else we could say the same thing!
No more of this nonsense.
Been married twice now.
And dating-ish quite a bit.
(((Though I shouldn't be. Yet. Did I mention understanding & forgiving, in the aforementioned traits I desire in a man???
Yeah, well. They're a very important part of the package as well. =)
I'M very understanding & forgiving; I'd like you to be the same! ;)
LOL. But seriously.)))
AND I JUST WANT ONE MAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE & THROUGHOUT ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?????????????
IT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM THE BEGINNING, BUT I MUST'VE DONE A BUNCH OF THINGS WRONG, CUZ I'VE LOVED SEVERAL MEN NOW, WITH ALL MY HEART, AND THAT LOVE HAS not AMOUNTED TO CREATE A RECIPROCAL, MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL AND ETERNAL UNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I may be jaded, resigned, & cynical, but I'm also amazing, loving, & brilliant... And I don't see why this whole eternal marriage thing couldn't work out for me.
Yet it hasn't.
And I want to believe it will.
But it hasn't.
And I'm not perfect, but I'm still lovable...
Yet it hasn't.
Worked.
Out.
And...
I'm supposed to have confidence it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to believe it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have faith it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have hope it will?
Slightly too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have a desire to have hope & belief it will?
Okay.
*Was too much to ask, previously, but that Institute class apparently did a number on my heart & I'll say "Okay." ;)*
I want to be married to a good, LDS man...
In the temple.

Cuz you know what I really want?
To speak the same language as he does.
*ie: "Did you feel prompted when yada-yada was said? I feel like God wants us to blah, blah, blah..."*
To read the same books with him.
*ie: "I just finished Moroni, chapter 7 again, & I wondered what you thought about verse 13..."*
To go to the same places with him.
*ie: "Are you ready to go to the temple, darlin'? I'm hoping to talk with Sister Pierce before we do sealings..."*
To share the same routines with him.
*ie: " That was an awesome FHE lesson you prepared, babe. Just what I needed..."*
Just to be One with my man.
In so many other ways, but these ones are the specific aspects that have been missing, thus far.
And I want to be One with him.
For always.
Whoever he may be.
To be One.

And we can't have that any other way.
Cuz I love the temple.
And I love the church.
And I want to go there someday.
WITH somebody.
And walk away with a hand in mine...
And peace in my heart.
Because he & I?
We understand each other...
And are ONE, in every sense that counts.

And I know he'll be there, later.
Tomorrow.
Next week.
Next month.
Next year.
In a decade.
A century.
And even longer than I can currently comprehend.

Yep. That's what I want.

Ugh,
Praying we all figure out what we really want,
Even if we don't want to admit it to ourselves,
Cuz we don't want to take responsibility for that desire,
Angelina

Perplexed & In Awe...

My life is a series of miracles.
I am very aware of this...
Yet I still struggle at times to feel grateful for it all, amidst the "weird" stuff that happens.
Even though I KNOW it's all good & God will help me see the beauty & purpose in it!

Want to blog something...
Feel a need to express what's happening right now...
But I don't know how to put it into words.
So much goes on in my life, it's quite insane, really...
If one were to ask me what was new in the morning & then ask me again that evening, well, I've usually had so much occur that it's hard to simplify it all.
For which I am grateful, yet...
Exhausted by.
At the moment.

I've been meeting so many people that have been teaching me so many things... It's just indescribable how much I'm learning lately.
And I'm lovin' it, don't get me wrong.
I'm just not getting the time I prefer to process it all.
So I feel like running away.
Which I don't think is the wisest move.
So I won't.
But I want to.

Some of the people I've been drawn to, or have been drawn to me, are of the "type" that one would think I'd have nothing in common with.
But I have more in common with them than meets the eye.
And I'm grateful for the privilege of being connected with them.
Just wish I knew what I was meant to gain from all this...
Cuz I'm quite perplexed by some of the occurrences in my life, lately, & ache to be able to DEFINE some situations.
But I know I'm simply to watch, wait, & trust.
So I will.

School is a mixed bag, as well.
My Business class is AMAZING & was definitely designed with me in mind, whether they realize it or not. =)))
But my other classes are a bit of a drain.
And I just want to sleep the majority of the time.
No 4.0 for me this semester!! ;)
Hauling myself around on crutches is a killer, as well...
Realized the other day that I'm lifting 110 lbs. up, every other step, all across campus, Monday through Friday, & have been for weeks now!!!
No wonder I'm exhausted!

My emotions & insights run deep right now, but there's some kind of blockage going on... And I cannot seem to access them.
I don't know what's up, but I AM SOOO GLAD that it's the weekend!!!
Two more essential class/appointments & I AM DONE!
Going to Time Out For Women tomorrow...
Chillin' after church on Sunday...
(Missing my kids with a power I don't even want to talk about, looking forward to getting off the crutches so I can care for them again!!)
It'll be good to be free from classes for a couple days.
=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)

Nada Goin' On Here...

Actually, that is sooo not true in LIFE, but it is in my BRAIN...
I am soooo tired...
Sprained ankle is turning out to be a possible break.
Ugh.
The x-ray technician wasn't available when the physical therapist discovered that it seems broken... So I wait 'til tomorrow... Though it's already been almost a week since the "incident"... And my question is:
Why, why, why didn't they just x-ray it in THE FIRST PLACE??
Ugh.
Classes are good.
Hobbling to & fro is exhausting.
Hurting STILL over a fraction of a second miscalculation is Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!
K, that's all I got.
Too tired to blog more.
Don't know why I'm even on right now.
***My Business class was KICKIN'... Makes it all worth it. =)***
Hope y'all are sleepin' sweetly...
XOXO!