Okay, Fine.

Went to class. Nearly fell asleep 4,ooo times. Ate a Crisp Juan Burrito.
Now feel like spilling the truth:
I can see a real possibility here. More than usual.
The dude's TOGETHER. Really.
Like...
More than any other. By far.
Which is cool...
And kinda terrifying.
I didn't realize I had this pattern of fallin' for guys it woulda been a real challenge to be with, for whatever reasons, & that I used that *subconsciously, of course* as a "block" for it to ever really pan out.
O'course, I couldn't've really grasped this, until now, cuz I was also using my "technical divorce-in-progress" as a shield... Dang. When the truth wants to get your attention, it sure knocks loudly, eh?
Okay, so.
What does all this mean?
I have no idea.
BUT...
It COULD mean that I better get my tush in gear for the acceptance of the moving on of my life, into some sort of wonderful.
Cuz I need to follow his lead, is how I figure it, & if he's wanting, well...
I'm willing.
In more than some ethereal sense of the word.
He REALLY impresses me.
And more.
And he fetching wants 5 more kids!!
A ridiculously accurate resurrection of an old, dead dream of mine.
Okay.
Here we go:
I want all that good stuff.
I do.
I want the husband & the temple marriage & the cuddling & the glorious sex & the fun & the scripture study & the church going & the simplicity & the work & the joy & the talking & the listening & the knowing that someone's there & the trust & the tenderness & the music & the dreams & the goals & the connectedness & the support & the laughter & the food & the EXPERIENCE OF IT ALL!!!
Yep. I admit it.
I do.
Want.
That.
And, to be honest, there's been a bazillion guys lately, old & new & in-between, all good, all wanting me, to whatever degree, & I've been a bit overwhelmed & far too, hmmm, stimulated for my own good, but none of them...
Let's repeat that, shall we?
NONE OF THEM...
Have seemed READY to truly want me AND be able to "handle" me.
He makes it seem effortless.
Maybe it was/is. I don't know.
I'll ask him sometime. ;)
I hope I get the opportunity.
And there we dip back into my fear.
The very reason I wrote the previous post.
Heavens, I feel this... Angst.
Appropriate, I know. ;)
No, but seriously. He's like so so so good.
And so so so marvelously fun! =)
And TOGETHER. Shee-it. He's legitimate.
A REAL Man.
MAN, I tell you!! Like I deserve THAT! Hah!
Thought I did, thought I wanted it, still do, but...
All the garbage my ex-husband's said is now ringin' through my head...
How pathetic I am. What a mess. Ugh.
I know he's full of stinky stuff, but dude.
I cannot comprehend this MAN really, truly stickin' it out with me.
Like, I feel like a hassle already.
Not that I've done anything, but my body's done bearing children & I have a ton of debt & I feel like this little girl compared to him.
Well, not when I'm WITH him... ;)
Just when I'm doubting & fearing & being a real goober over such a joyful thing as even meeting him. Oh, man, I'm so gone already.
Fastest I've ever fallen.
With the least amount of interaction, even.
Sheist.
Funny thing is:
1) He knows all the main, messy details already & hasn't turned away.
2) I don't feel resistant the way I usually do. Like, 2%, comparatively.
3) I won't think he's an idiot if he doesn't choose me. *Odd.*
And I want to know sooner rather than later, but I'm being chill with the pace he's opting for. =) O'course, he's communicating with me daily... So that could be helping. ;)
Ach, heaven help me! I really, really, really, like him.
A lot.
You have no idea.
It's all calm & peaceful, with perfect hints of passion, with him.
I feel good & safe & calm & simple.
Which is a REALLY BIG deal. Really Big!!
Don't know what any of this means.... He could be another "stepping stone/lesson learned", I don't know. I'm cool with that, I guess, not really, but gotta respect him, y'know? If he doesn't want me I'M GONNA LISTEN THIS TIME!! Man, I was so bull-headed, before.
So bull-headed & thick-skulled.
That's me! ;)
K, well, I got more to say, but I'm soooooo tired & I think I'll go take a li'l nap before the Martin Luther King Jr. thingamabob in a bit...
All I know is this:
I love Heavenly Father so very much, & I feel that I've been blessed significantly with him dancin' into my life... And I'll be grateful now, instead of doubtful... I'll just relax into this fact:
I really, really, really like him.
=)))
Hope any of y'all are RELAXin' INTO YOUR BLESSINGS,
Angelina

New Year, New Choices.

I am so cranky today.
Or maybe it's just upset or frustrated, I'm not sure.
This new year has been so awesome & intense...
I swear I've already experienced 2 months, not just 2 weeks!!
Thing is: I've really nothin' to be upset over, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I've things to be cranky over, that can't be helped at this point in time, but the upset that's goin' on is completely perplexing to me.
WHAT. IS. MY. DEAL?
I feel like a 2 yr old...
Want what I want when I want it.
And, right now? Want to KNOW.
KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW.
And want to cuss & scream & kick & SOMETHIN'... I don't know...
Just FREAK OUT, I guess.
I feel all this stuff shifting, don't ask me what, I'm not fully sure, & I KNOW my life's on the cusp of this incredible change, that's been long in coming, but I don't know the details & I feel this FEAR, yet I know there's NO REASON to be afraid.
Ugh.
LOATHE THIS feeling!! Just want to be held.
No one to do it.
Or, rather, no one close enough that I would feel safe & comfy enough to let hug me, not while in this fragile emotional state.
Aaaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh!
Pictures of the past haunt me, & I know I'll see my babies this weekend, but...
Just doesn't seem ENOUGH!
And then I feel like a heel, for God has been so GOOD to me, dumping out the blessings, lately, even more than I've ever noticed before, & I've always noticed a significant amount of help from Him comin' my way... SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??
Damn.
I love everyone & I love myself & I love God & Christ...
What's this self-destruction temper-tantrum garbage I've suddenly got goin' on?!
I AM grateful.
I AM hoping.
I AM counting my blessings.
I AM whatever else...
I can't even THINK, honestly, I'm so sleep-deprived.
I'm all emotion & it's not the worst I've ever felt, but it's not the best, & I've a class in ten minutes & I'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP!!!
Okay, here it is:
The main thought coming to me:
Is he for real?
Am I delusional?
Did I create all the details in a sleep-deprived funk, so I could handle all the past junk, & get through the night?
He said he wanted me to be sure I spent time with him well-rested SO I WOULD KNOW WHETHER I LIKED HIM FOR REAL & I reassured him that that wasn't as issue, yet now it's all the devil's got... To try & get me to disbelieve in the dude's sincerity/reality.
And I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna be a freak-out queen...
But the urge is strong.
He is sooo good.
And I felt safe & comfortable.
He goes to the temple once a week.
And I want that.
He kept his word.
And I was impressed, but now am terrified.
I need to chill.
But feel so...
So...
I don't know.
Like, I WANT to PUSH him AWAY.
How screwed up is that?
Like I WANT to see if he's a pansy that'll tuck his tail between his legs & scuttle off, the way I feel others have.
Though, if I'm honest with myself, I did JUST REALIZE LAST NIGHT, through an old & dear friend, that the men in my life haven't been as pansy-assed as I previously thought...
I really am pretty darn intense AND hard to resist AND they can't think straight around me. SO they do things that looked pansy-ass-ish to ME, but REALLY... They weren't so weak.
Oh, dear God, I gotta go to class. All I wanna do is rant & rave & resolve all this whatever-it-is right here & now, over blog... But I'm gonna go to class, instead. Please, dear Father, help me. Bless me to release this unnecessary intensity & doubt. Please bless me NOT to do anything stupid, if at all beyond-humanly-since-I-AM-asking-Thee-for-help-possible, & protect me from my own completely irrational emotions. Thank Thee, Father, for ALL, & I'm sorry I don't feel head-over-heels-grateful right now... In Jesus' name, Amen.