I am so cranky today.
Or maybe it's just upset or frustrated, I'm not sure.
This new year has been so awesome & intense...
I swear I've already experienced 2 months, not just 2 weeks!!
Thing is: I've really nothin' to be upset over, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I've things to be cranky over, that can't be helped at this point in time, but the upset that's goin' on is completely perplexing to me.
WHAT. IS. MY. DEAL?
I feel like a 2 yr old...
Want what I want when I want it.
And, right now? Want to KNOW.
KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW.
And want to cuss & scream & kick & SOMETHIN'... I don't know...
Just FREAK OUT, I guess.
I feel all this stuff shifting, don't ask me what, I'm not fully sure, & I KNOW my life's on the cusp of this incredible change, that's been long in coming, but I don't know the details & I feel this FEAR, yet I know there's NO REASON to be afraid.
Ugh.
LOATHE THIS feeling!! Just want to be held.
No one to do it.
Or, rather, no one close enough that I would feel safe & comfy enough to let hug me, not while in this fragile emotional state.
Aaaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh!
Pictures of the past haunt me, & I know I'll see my babies this weekend, but...
Just doesn't seem ENOUGH!
And then I feel like a heel, for God has been so GOOD to me, dumping out the blessings, lately, even more than I've ever noticed before, & I've always noticed a significant amount of help from Him comin' my way... SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??
Damn.
I love everyone & I love myself & I love God & Christ...
What's this self-destruction temper-tantrum garbage I've suddenly got goin' on?!
I AM grateful.
I AM hoping.
I AM counting my blessings.
I AM whatever else...
I can't even THINK, honestly, I'm so sleep-deprived.
I'm all emotion & it's not the worst I've ever felt, but it's not the best, & I've a class in ten minutes & I'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP!!!
Okay, here it is:
The main thought coming to me:
Is he for real?
Am I delusional?
Did I create all the details in a sleep-deprived funk, so I could handle all the past junk, & get through the night?
He said he wanted me to be sure I spent time with him well-rested SO I WOULD KNOW WHETHER I LIKED HIM FOR REAL & I reassured him that that wasn't as issue, yet now it's all the devil's got... To try & get me to disbelieve in the dude's sincerity/reality.
And I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna be a freak-out queen...
But the urge is strong.
He is sooo good.
And I felt safe & comfortable.
He goes to the temple once a week.
And I want that.
He kept his word.
And I was impressed, but now am terrified.
I need to chill.
But feel so...
So...
I don't know.
Like, I WANT to PUSH him AWAY.
How screwed up is that?
Like I WANT to see if he's a pansy that'll tuck his tail between his legs & scuttle off, the way I feel others have.
Though, if I'm honest with myself, I did JUST REALIZE LAST NIGHT, through an old & dear friend, that the men in my life haven't been as pansy-assed as I previously thought...
I really am pretty darn intense AND hard to resist AND they can't think straight around me. SO they do things that looked pansy-ass-ish to ME, but REALLY... They weren't so weak.
Oh, dear God, I gotta go to class. All I wanna do is rant & rave & resolve all this whatever-it-is right here & now, over blog... But I'm gonna go to class, instead. Please, dear Father, help me. Bless me to release this unnecessary intensity & doubt. Please bless me NOT to do anything stupid, if at all beyond-humanly-since-I-AM-asking-Thee-for-help-possible, & protect me from my own completely irrational emotions. Thank Thee, Father, for ALL, & I'm sorry I don't feel head-over-heels-grateful right now... In Jesus' name, Amen.
