Ach, the pain is so bittersweet!! Who knew??!
*Oh, yeah... God did. Dirty rotten scoundrel...*
Ugh. I hate this.
Okay, so...
It IS Possible.
So this is good.
Right?
That I know now...
There is one TRULY GOOD man out there.
He plopped dead center onto my radar, & proved his goodness over & over -through some SERIOUS INTENSITY, heavens above- so I KNOW that they DO exist.
AND can "turn more than the music on".
MUCH, MUCH more.
And that's good news.
Right?
Yep, pretty sure it is.
Just doesn't FEEL like it right now.
At all.
Cuz...
Apparently. =/
Even the TRULY GOOD men are complete morons.
ARE THEY all THIS WAY???
DID GOD CREATE THEM AS MORONS ON PURPOSE?!
Is this seriously just a part of men's WIRING?
To be SO moronic??
To want & want & want something, then when IT SHOWS UP...
Realize they don't ACTUALLY WANT it??
Is it a genetic defect that is in the Y chromosome?
Or is that just another thing to add to my list?
#37: Please, God, I've finally really grasped that very intelligent men can be completely moronic... Could I have a man that's not a moron, please? I'll be really good this year. Promise. I just want a non-moronic man, is all... That's not asking too much, is it? I mean, I just want one who chooses joy over junk, gratitude over guilt, love over loss, trust over temporary, friendship over fear, passion over pretending, satisfaction over sadness, deliciousness over doubt, & new-ness over nothing-ness!! Aaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!
Sheesh, I could obviously go on AND ON AND ON AND ON with all the things I'D rather choose... And would prefer a man who would ALSO choose such things... BUT THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND -not that I was looking, but that's beside the point- EVEN AMONGST THE MOST INTELLIGENT, STRONG, GENEROUS, PASSIONATE, & PHENOMENALLY GOOD ONES!!!
How this is my reality, I just don't know.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
*And I CHOOSE to FOCUS on the POSITIVE.
Darn it all to petootskies! ;) Ugh, that was disgusting.
What I meant was: Damn it all to hell!!!*
So.
Positive:
I now KNOW that there are REAL...
Truly GOOD...
AND PASSIONATE...
MEN out there.
That can match me step for step.
*Well, for a while, anyway... =/*
Whatever. Progress has been made.
CUZ I F-ing SAY SO!!!
GOOD will OCCUR FROM all THIS AWARENESS, Dammit!!
SURELY there is ONE out there that will have ALL the above qualities & NOT BE a moron.
And I'm "weeding them out" faster & faster, so that's GOOD.
And I'm "getting over" them faster & faster, too.
*Though I'm rather curious of how this particular situation is going to effect me... Like, how long it will take, if ever, I'll be truly okay with having glimpsed what I glimpsed & then being told "no, sorry, I know that glimpse was better by 40, 000 million times what your experiences were in the past, but it's still just a glimpse, cuz there's no security in forever yet for you, m'dear, sorry. But you'll be fine, right? I mean, that's what you do is 'handle everything so well', right? So, what's the heartache for, honey? I mean, honestly. You're so strong you can handle being raped, choked, abandoned, threatened to be killed, smothered, neglected, dismissed, homeless, poverty-stricken, separated from your children, broken & beaten & more... What does this li'l ol' crazy guy mean compared to all that? You're being melodramatic & ridiculous, darlin', cuz he's not that bigga deal... Go read a book, eat something, clean your room, not in any particular order, & you'll be fine tomorrow. No big deal. Forever will be found in some other guy, some better guy, someone who's not a moron like all the rest, so you're going to be so much better off. You just wait & see!! You're so special God's preparing the very, very best for you... And he'll be a hundred billion times better than this one, honey, I promise. K? So stop feeling like it's the end of the world, you know very well it's not, & keep a stiff upper lip in public, & everything's gonna be just fine. Better than fine. Wonderful. It'll all be so wonderful you can barely imagine!"
And to all that -the loop of words that I've heard so many times I don't even need anyone to remind me anymore, I've got them memorized-
I say:
WHAT KIND OF STUPID-ASS MORON ARE YOU??
DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SOME OTHER, RANDOM GUY OUT THERE?! WELL, I DON'T! AND THE ONLY REASON I'LL HAVE TO SOMEDAY IS BECAUSE THIS ONE -AND THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE- DECIDED HE DOESN'T WANT ME AS MUCH AS I WANT HIM!!
I AM NEVER ENOUGH!!
OR TOO DAMN MUCH!!!
I LOVE AND LOVE AND UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE AND SHARE AND GROW AND GET MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY YEAR...
BUT IT'S EITHER NOT ENOUGH OR TOO MUCH.
AND THEY SAY THEY WANT THIS, & I HAPPEN TO BE THAT EXACT THING, THEN THEY GET IT/ME THAT WAY, AND THEY REALIZE THEY DON'T REALLY WANT "THIS" ANYMORE AFTER ALL!
OOPS.
MEN DON'T WANT REAL WOMEN!
THEY WANT FANTASIES.
AND I AM NOT A FANTASY, UNFORTUNATELY, THOUGH I AM A FULFILLMENT OF MANY OF THEM. QUITE FREQUENTLY, I'VE DISCOVERED.
AND GETTING BETTER & BETTER AT HONESTLY BEING THE POSSIBILITY/REALITY OF THE FULFILLMENT OF, APPARENTLY, EVERY SINGLE RED-BLOODED MAN'S FANTASIES, ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH, BUT WHO CARES???!!?
I don't want every man on earth.
Just one.
And I don't want to fulfill anyone's fantasies anymore, that they then come to realize they don't actually want.
I can't do this anymore.
No joke.
Give & give the truth of who I am... And always be found wanting.
Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
If they had real reasons, like my friend John, then that'd be fine.
I can handle that.
"Sorry, Ang, I love you & all, but I just know that I want a more docile-type of woman, you know what I mean? A li'l more submission & a li'l less sass is really my preferred style... Sorry, luv."
I CAN HANDLE THAT JUST FINE!!
IF I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT THEN GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING HONEST AND RECOGNIZING THAT! I DON'T WANT YOU WITH ME IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT ME THE WAY I AM, YOU KNOW?
But when you love all there is about me...
How can you let ANYTHING get in the way of the security of eternity??
I just don't understand.
And it hurts so much...
So much.
Way much more than I'm sure this particular experience was meant to, yet that's the way it is right now, so... I guess God knew, saw this coming, prepared a way, & will help me thaw my aching, frozen heart...
One o' these days.
And add that #37 to the man of my future...
And all will be blissfully well with us.
I'm sure.
Uh-huh. Do you believe me? Oh, good. Me, too.
Yep.
Mm-hmmm.
*Yeah, I don't lie well anymore. Not even to myself. But I've already cussed enough for those sensitive souls out there, so... The lie will need to stand...*
I'm just fine, & all is well, & I know I'll love someone else more someday.
Hope all y'all's night is filled with happiness this Holiday season,
Angelina
Adora Angelina
Which means Adorable li'l Angel...
Uh-huh.
Adorable.
Used to love that word.
Adorable li'l Angel my Ass.
Good Night All, sorry I'm not everything you ever hoped I'd be...
I do my best.
