Dead, as in no longer alive.
Dead, as in no longer with us.
Dead, as in DEAD.
My dear, dear, Emily is dead.
Dead, dead, DEAD.
And I feel I may die.
I know I won't, & that it's preposterous, really.
But I feel that way, nonetheless.
Logically, I know she's in a better place, since her body was so wasted, & was simply housing pain & suffering, these last few months.
But that logical reasoning makes no difference to my emotions.
Emotionally, I feel numb & grief & disbelief all at the same time.
Which causes me physically to feel very confused.
My stomach is particularly perplexed... "Am I supposed to vomit, or not? Seems like there's a reason to, yet there's no reason whatsoever at the same time. Am I supposed to vomit or not?!!!!"
As I typed to my professors a few minutes ago, "...words tend to be my anesthesia of choice..." & so I sit here typing, though it would be wise to eat, or do homework, or have attended my SI, or SOMETHING GOOD FOR MY LONG-TERM WELL-BEING!!! But, no. I turn to the keyboard. And frantically type away. Hoping, somehow, this frenzied activity will stop the two sentences that have been ringing through my mind since Emily's sister called... "This hurts so bad. My Emily's dead. She's dead. Gone. My Emily." AND THE REALLY UGLY ONE "I don't have time for this. I've got homework to do. It's the end of the semester. I can't afford to feel this way." Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!
My fingers just lay frozen upon the keyboard for several minutes... And I stared at them, willing them to move...
"Move, Dammit! Don't stop now!" but they just sat there.
Until, finally, my pinky twitched & hit the enter key & they were freed, somehow, to type again... But to type what?
THERE ARE NO WORDS!!
WORDS MEAN NOTHING!!
THIS IS AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY, TO ATTEMPT TO LAY WORDS DOWN THAT WILL SOMEHOW PORTRAY WHAT I'M FEELING!!!
But I'll keep on typing, 'til I'm drained of whatever it is that needs to be let go of, because I know not what else to do.
Eat?
Are you kidding me.
My stomach's protesting the information it's currently digesting, food would only complicate matters.
Do homework?
Again with the joking.
My hands keep freezing up & my eyes stare into space & there's wave after wave of grief & numbness coursing through my brain & body, how anything intelligent could come from me, upon any other subject, at this point in time, is completely unbeknownst to me.
Call my mother?
I don't think so.
She'll just feel so badly for me, & whatever, that it'll make me want to cry, but I don't think I can, so I'll just feel worse & worse.
Cry?
How.
I cried when I first found out, but was surrounded by strangers on campus, so I battled the emotions & now they're lodged inside somewhere & I don't know what it'll take to free them.
**Except I know it doesn't happen to be my mother. ;)**
Smile & Joke?
Maybe a smidge.
Not really. Though the above bit was slightly humorous to me... So I'll put a smiley face after this sentence as well. =) But does that actually DO anything? Not really. Not yet, anyway. Sure it will help later.
Sure all these ideas will help later.
Including many others. Like talking to friends, hula hooping, reading a novel, having a snowfight, coloring with my children **they'll be here within 24 hours!!**, making brownies for the physical therapy guys... **That these things are coming to my mind at all is a good sign. =)**
One at a time, I'll do each thing on my little list, & life will continue on, & I'll even find satisfaction & eventual joy in them again...
But, right now? I can't think of anything at all.
Anything at all that could possibly make me feel better.
**Though getting my homework done would be an immense stress relief, so I suppose THAT WOULD help me feel better. ;)**
Oh, I was funny semi-voluntarily... That's another good sign, I think. =)
Yay for me, & I bet Emily's pleased...
She really wouldn't want me to mope for long, I know that, but sheesh. This sucks.
And how is her family doing??? I cannot even imagine.
And her good husband?! Ach, it kills me. He loves her so much!!
And her children?? This is torture.
Life goes on, but I wish it'd stop for a while.
Give us time to get used to the idea of life without Emily in it. Then start up again, when we're a little more acclimated to the idea.
Oh, how my heart aches! How I've missed her already, these last few months, & now to know I'll not talk to her again MY WHOLE LIFE!?!!
The thought is EXCRUCIATING!
Yet it is reality.
And I better accept it, or it'll be an even harder "row to hoe".
Thing about Emily is, she LOVED life. Every aspect of it.
And she wouldn't want me wasting ANY of my life lamenting over hers, when she had such a good one AND wants ME to have such a good one, as well.
Besides, she was in pretty intense pain & is much better off now, without it, than she would be if she were still residing in her mortal frame.
Whatever, there's that logic again.
WHAT.EVER!
I JUST WANT MY EMILY!!
SHE'S MY DEAREST EMILY, & THE ONLY ONE LIKE HER, & SHE'S BEEN A CONSTANT IN MY LIFE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!!
ALWAYS THERE when I needed her, EVERY SINGLE TIME, & ALWAYS had something perfectly Emily-like to say!!!
ALWAYS TRUE to herself & honest & open & loving & generous & intelligent & UNIQUE, dammit!!
Now the tears fall.
So I did the dishes.
And cried.
'Til the tears dried up.
Long before the dishes will.
Ach, this hurts.
She was ALWAYS there! And now she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN!!
She even lived in the same damn house each of the fifteen years I've known her! And married the same man she was with when we were together as kids! And stayed the same, beautifully fabulous EMILY, that whole time!! No deception, no dismissals, no discrimination.
Just pure Emily... Loving me. Supporting me. Understanding me.
And staying safe, steady, & stable.
For me.
Whether she knew it or not, she was that way FOR ME!!
Dear God, how could it have been "her time to go"??
And how will I ever be whole without her here, physically? And if the loss of her physical presence cuts me so deeply, how will her family, husband, & children deal??
I KNOW I'll see her again, Father, that's not the issue. And I KNOW she's happier & better off than she would've been if she'd stayed.
And I DO trust in Thy timing & all that jibberdy-jazz. I do.
I just DO NOT KNOW HOW I'm going to be okay with all this.
How do people do it?? How did Tara, when her mom died? How did my dad when his mom died? How did Nelly when her son died? No wonder she was such a miserable person. I've struggled sooo much, without my kids with me all the time, yet each one is still alive! And Emily's death is kickin' my trash right about now, but she's "just" a friend.
**Stupid sentence, if there ever was one!**
Dear God, help me through this.
And Emily's family, husband, & kids. Not to mention Donna & all others that love Emily so!! Oh, how I hurt for us all!!
Hugs may be going round in heaven...
To celebrate her return.
But the hugs that are going round on earth are being desperately given...
To keep us from feeling alone.
Because the world is far emptier without her here.
And "alone" is the way we feel...
After a life like hers has passed from us.
