Didn't Occur To Me...

That I would be the one to hurt you.
I thought, honestly, that no one would get hurt.
I look back... And wonder if that's always been my problem.
A PollyAnna sort of approach to relationships, indeed.
See, the thing is:
I'm not capable of hurting anyone, truth be told.
All who've ever been hurt by me have pulled that hurt into their own hearts of their own accord.
Just as I've done, with them.
No one has ever intended to hurt me...
*Okay, I still wonder about my step-mother, I admit, but I'm pretty sure that if I were to talk with her NOW, with all I've learned & grown these last several years, I'd discover that she never intended... Nope, sorry, okay, I still think she was evil. Maybe not to her core or anything, but pretty damn close. I dunno. We'll see. One o' these days. Anyway...*
What I've learned is that people don't hurt me, I hurt myself.
Through believing certain things about them & the circumstances.
I've known this for a while now, but it's been more deeply impressed as of late.
So...
I "fell" in love again.
I know, I know... You'd think I'd "learn" by now.
And, by the song that just came up on my Pandora station, I HAVE LEARNED!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkzLk_2A5Dg
Damn straight! ;)
ANYWAY,
I didn't think I was FALLING in love, at first, cuz I felt like I was walking along, comfortably, side by side... And it was sooooo different, & soooo nice... I just didn't recognize the "falling" part.
So, I assumed, for nearly a week, that I didn't "fall in love" with him, that I JUST LIKED HIM.
What a fool I can be, sometimes.
He's the best man, by far, thus far.
How could I NOT "fall" for him??
*Fall on my knees & kiss his feet, that is, cuz he was bringin' such joy & pleasure into my sorely-deprived-of-such-things life... ;)*
Silliness seems to by my spesh-i-al-ity... ;)
For though I DID "fall" & it was NOT "hard", I'm more firmly "planted" in my love for him than I've been thus far... In my entire life.
Which is kind of odd, when I think of it... Considering how long & hard I fought to keep my marriages intact *hey, 6 months was a hell of a long time, with that man... you've no idea* BUT WHAT I'VE REALIZED is that I was "fighting" to "keep" something that was dead or corrupted or miserable in some way... And this, this... This is different.
Different as night & day.
This man wants to be wanted by me...
He just doesn't want to be hurt.
And he's protecting his heart.
Just in case.
*I hope & pray it's "just in case"!! If I did something already, I want to know! And rectify it!!*
Thing is: He's said so.
He was honest & open about his feelings/actions.
And I am still reeling in shock to have "discovered" such a man.
That I could "fall for" even MORE in the "breaking up" than in the initial "getting to know you" phase!! Who knew?! *God, of course... ;) Who, when I expressed how much I LIKED this man, responded with, "I knew you would." What a hoot!! =)*
Now, I know I've expressed great love & impress-ment *LOL, whatever! =) It works for what I need right now. ;)* with each man I've ever "fallen for" or been married to, for that matter, AND ALL THAT TRUTH IS NOT NEGATED BY THE IMPROVEMENT OF EACH SUBSEQUENT MAN... Not a whit.
Real truth is:
Not only do I find more & more clear men, but IIIIIIIIIIIII become more & more clear!
More firmly entrenched in the truth of WHO I AM, so it's easier to attract men who are more into truth & honesty & expression, you know?
*Wish I'd known all this before marrying... Saved a lot of heartache... But... 'Tis what it IS... And I'll not look back with regret... Still wishin' him the best, though... Hopin' he comes to the same realizations, so he can let go of all his bitterness & blame...*

Oh, God, help me. *know you will ;)* I feel so strongly, yet simply & sweetly, that I just want to stick it out with this one.
I wanted to stick it out with the others, of course, but it was more a stubborn refusal to admit failure/acknowledge that love couldn't "conquer" everything RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE... You know? *of course you do ;)* OR something along the lines of: I "can't lose" ANOTHER one... Or I'll just shrivel up & die...
Not very healthy outlooks, I realize now.
*LOL, I'm hilARious! ;) I luv me!! =)*
I loved each one of them, very very very much, but there was a clingy/controlling aspect underlying my love that just doesn't produce the highest quality expression of PURE love that I was aiming for...
*funny... I think some of them tried to tell me that... ;)*
Oh, Father... I just don't ever want to HOLD ON to a man who doesn't want to be held... Ever again. Yet...
Sometimes...
Don't we need to be held?
Whether we think we do, or not??
I know I do.
Sometimes.
And so do my children.
Sometimes.
So...
Maybe...
Men do also??
Hmmmmmmmm....
This is a thought that deserves some pondering... At the very least.
Oh, Father, I love Thee!! =)
I feel better now.
Time to go take care o' business! ;)
Ciao!
In Jesus' name I found myself praying, as usual & quite gratefully, Amen.

Well. A Better Man, Indeed.

I will never ask for keeping a man who isn't thoroughly thrilled with me AGAIN!!
I'm floored.
How God works His magic is SO Beyond Me!! In such a beautiful way! =)
Such a short time-frame!! CanNOT even grasp how recently I wrote that last post & yet how LONG AGO that was! Hah!! Life! What a trip. =)
That song DID give me hope... Just enough to keep going...
Until I saw how much better it could be, & was able to make a choice.
Keep holding on to a man who doesn't want to be held??
OR actually move into the arms of one who's GLAD I'm there...
Hmmm, that's a tough one. ;)
What I've discovered:
Men will NOT learn how much I love them by me sticking around, in ridiculously un-ending patience, aiming to show them how marvelous they are & how good for them I am...
Cuz they would rather be right than loved.
And that's okay.
I'll leave them to it. ;)
And let one FIND ME that prefers love & passion OVER pride & control!!
Uh-huh. =)
That's right. ;)
GQTM...
And I finally FEEL the truth of that concept, though I been sayin' it for ages.
Hmmmmm... Feels Good... Verrrrrrry verrrrry verrry GOOD.
So.
On to the fun stuff:

Damn, baby, you is HOT!!
Never imagined, to be perfectly honest, that such a one would be as into me as you are...
Which is a li'l sad, now that I think of it, since I'm so fabulous. ;)
You'd think I would've dreamed up a hottie for myself!! LOL! ;)
But, no, I didn't care about such trivial things... Always looking deeper.
Besides the fact that, unfortunately this is a very new realization *Thank you for showing me!*, the fact that I was "prejudiced" against super-gorgeous men!! Thought y'all were "players"!
What a shock for me to discover, let me tell ya, as I "pride myself" on taking people as individuals & NOT making snap-judgments...
Oops.
I asked if you could forgive me, & I sure hope you continue to... ;)
Cuz I was oh, so very, very WRONG!!
Happily so!!
But still: SO VERY , VERY WRONG!!! =)))
Mm-M!! Darlin' you is Fiiiine AND honest AND clear AND intelligent AND all sorts of everything else!! =) You haven't disappointed me yet, not in a single moment.
Shocking for such a "playboy"!! ;)
Which, of course, doesn't mean much, since barely enough time at all has passed...
But STILL!!
What FUN you are!! =)
I feel more gorgeous than EVER &, I gotta say, I been feelin' gorgeous daily for quite some time now... So. Kudos to you. ;)
Helpin' me reach new heights of self-satisfaction, darlin'...
And I LIKE it. ;)

On a more serious note:
I realized this morning why I draw the sexually repressed, or worse, to me...
And it is a very sad, yet liberating, dawning of light to a very dark truth...
I.
Yes, I.
Have been incredibly... Sexually repressed.
Yep. =(
Being raped at the age of three sure fucks you up.
*Quite literally, hahahaha!!
Sorry, that was sick. GQTM... But damn funny... :p*
Anyway.
I really GOT it this morning.
So clearly.
I HAVE been sending "mixed messages"!!
With a major lack of trust "issue"!
How on earth did I not see it before??
I mean, I saw it years ago, but thought I'd dealt with it all...
Come to find out this a.m. that, no, in fact, there were still remnants of darkness blinding my sight, blocking my ability to see how IIIIIIIIIIIIIII was the reason those relationships "failed".
Damn.

Anyway, I got over it, got up & gettin' to my day, came to express myself, now gotta go to lunch with a dear friend, & AM PLEASED AS PUNCH WITH MY LIFE!! =)))
Ciao! ;)