So It IS Possible!! Kind of...

Ach, the pain is so bittersweet!! Who knew??!
*Oh, yeah... God did. Dirty rotten scoundrel...*
Ugh. I hate this.
Okay, so...
It IS Possible.
So this is good.
Right?
That I know now...
There is one TRULY GOOD man out there.
He plopped dead center onto my radar, & proved his goodness over & over -through some SERIOUS INTENSITY, heavens above- so I KNOW that they DO exist.
AND can "turn more than the music on".
MUCH, MUCH more.
And that's good news.
Right?
Yep, pretty sure it is.
Just doesn't FEEL like it right now.
At all.
Cuz...
Apparently. =/
Even the TRULY GOOD men are complete morons.
ARE THEY all THIS WAY???
DID GOD CREATE THEM AS MORONS ON PURPOSE?!
Is this seriously just a part of men's WIRING?
To be SO moronic??
To want & want & want something, then when IT SHOWS UP...
Realize they don't ACTUALLY WANT it??
Is it a genetic defect that is in the Y chromosome?
Or is that just another thing to add to my list?
#37: Please, God, I've finally really grasped that very intelligent men can be completely moronic... Could I have a man that's not a moron, please? I'll be really good this year. Promise. I just want a non-moronic man, is all... That's not asking too much, is it? I mean, I just want one who chooses joy over junk, gratitude over guilt, love over loss, trust over temporary, friendship over fear, passion over pretending, satisfaction over sadness, deliciousness over doubt, & new-ness over nothing-ness!! Aaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!
Sheesh, I could obviously go on AND ON AND ON AND ON with all the things I'D rather choose... And would prefer a man who would ALSO choose such things... BUT THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND -not that I was looking, but that's beside the point- EVEN AMONGST THE MOST INTELLIGENT, STRONG, GENEROUS, PASSIONATE, & PHENOMENALLY GOOD ONES!!!
How this is my reality, I just don't know.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
*And I CHOOSE to FOCUS on the POSITIVE.
Darn it all to petootskies! ;) Ugh, that was disgusting.
What I meant was: Damn it all to hell!!!*
So.
Positive:
I now KNOW that there are REAL...
Truly GOOD...
AND PASSIONATE...
MEN out there.
That can match me step for step.
*Well, for a while, anyway... =/*
Whatever. Progress has been made.
CUZ I F-ing SAY SO!!!
GOOD will OCCUR FROM all THIS AWARENESS, Dammit!!
SURELY there is ONE out there that will have ALL the above qualities & NOT BE a moron.
And I'm "weeding them out" faster & faster, so that's GOOD.
And I'm "getting over" them faster & faster, too.
*Though I'm rather curious of how this particular situation is going to effect me... Like, how long it will take, if ever, I'll be truly okay with having glimpsed what I glimpsed & then being told "no, sorry, I know that glimpse was better by 40, 000 million times what your experiences were in the past, but it's still just a glimpse, cuz there's no security in forever yet for you, m'dear, sorry. But you'll be fine, right? I mean, that's what you do is 'handle everything so well', right? So, what's the heartache for, honey? I mean, honestly. You're so strong you can handle being raped, choked, abandoned, threatened to be killed, smothered, neglected, dismissed, homeless, poverty-stricken, separated from your children, broken & beaten & more... What does this li'l ol' crazy guy mean compared to all that? You're being melodramatic & ridiculous, darlin', cuz he's not that bigga deal... Go read a book, eat something, clean your room, not in any particular order, & you'll be fine tomorrow. No big deal. Forever will be found in some other guy, some better guy, someone who's not a moron like all the rest, so you're going to be so much better off. You just wait & see!! You're so special God's preparing the very, very best for you... And he'll be a hundred billion times better than this one, honey, I promise. K? So stop feeling like it's the end of the world, you know very well it's not, & keep a stiff upper lip in public, & everything's gonna be just fine. Better than fine. Wonderful. It'll all be so wonderful you can barely imagine!"

And to all that -the loop of words that I've heard so many times I don't even need anyone to remind me anymore, I've got them memorized-
I say:
WHAT KIND OF STUPID-ASS MORON ARE YOU??
DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SOME OTHER, RANDOM GUY OUT THERE?! WELL, I DON'T! AND THE ONLY REASON I'LL HAVE TO SOMEDAY IS BECAUSE THIS ONE -AND THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE- DECIDED HE DOESN'T WANT ME AS MUCH AS I WANT HIM!!
I AM NEVER ENOUGH!!
OR TOO DAMN MUCH!!!
I LOVE AND LOVE AND UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE AND SHARE AND GROW AND GET MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY YEAR...
BUT IT'S EITHER NOT ENOUGH OR TOO MUCH.
AND THEY SAY THEY WANT THIS, & I HAPPEN TO BE THAT EXACT THING, THEN THEY GET IT/ME THAT WAY, AND THEY REALIZE THEY DON'T REALLY WANT "THIS" ANYMORE AFTER ALL!
OOPS.
MEN DON'T WANT REAL WOMEN!
THEY WANT FANTASIES.
AND I AM NOT A FANTASY, UNFORTUNATELY, THOUGH I AM A FULFILLMENT OF MANY OF THEM. QUITE FREQUENTLY, I'VE DISCOVERED.
AND GETTING BETTER & BETTER AT HONESTLY BEING THE POSSIBILITY/REALITY OF THE FULFILLMENT OF, APPARENTLY, EVERY SINGLE RED-BLOODED MAN'S FANTASIES, ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH, BUT WHO CARES???!!?
I don't want every man on earth.
Just one.
And I don't want to fulfill anyone's fantasies anymore, that they then come to realize they don't actually want.
I can't do this anymore.
No joke.
Give & give the truth of who I am... And always be found wanting.
Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
If they had real reasons, like my friend John, then that'd be fine.
I can handle that.
"Sorry, Ang, I love you & all, but I just know that I want a more docile-type of woman, you know what I mean? A li'l more submission & a li'l less sass is really my preferred style... Sorry, luv."
I CAN HANDLE THAT JUST FINE!!
IF I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT THEN GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING HONEST AND RECOGNIZING THAT! I DON'T WANT YOU WITH ME IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT ME THE WAY I AM, YOU KNOW?
But when you love all there is about me...
How can you let ANYTHING get in the way of the security of eternity??
I just don't understand.
And it hurts so much...
So much.
Way much more than I'm sure this particular experience was meant to, yet that's the way it is right now, so... I guess God knew, saw this coming, prepared a way, & will help me thaw my aching, frozen heart...
One o' these days.
And add that #37 to the man of my future...
And all will be blissfully well with us.
I'm sure.
Uh-huh. Do you believe me? Oh, good. Me, too.
Yep.
Mm-hmmm.
*Yeah, I don't lie well anymore. Not even to myself. But I've already cussed enough for those sensitive souls out there, so... The lie will need to stand...*
I'm just fine, & all is well, & I know I'll love someone else more someday.
Hope all y'all's night is filled with happiness this Holiday season,
Angelina
Adora Angelina
Which means Adorable li'l Angel...
Uh-huh.
Adorable.
Used to love that word.
Adorable li'l Angel my Ass.
Good Night All, sorry I'm not everything you ever hoped I'd be...
I do my best.

InDescribable...

The feeling that currently resides within me is so utterly complex...
Yet simple.
I'm sure I'll type & type, whether it be for minutes or hours...
There's no chance I'll describe the experience adequately.
And that's okay.
I'm good with that.
=)
Which is quite a miracle, I must say...
Considering all that's gone on lately.
Ahhhh, a deep breath.
What a gift.
Thank you, Emily, for the gift of your life...
To remind me to value mine.
Not that I wasn't, but there's always room for improvement, right?
I mean, really.
I've had plenty of reasons to be, at the very least, dismayed...
And it's time I stopped such silliness.
Especially because I have now finished a semester of college.
=)
Even through all that has occurred.
I DID IT!! I MADE IT THROUGH!! I FINISHED!!
I KEPT GOING, NO MATTER WHAT, & I DID IT!!!
I FINISHED, FINISHED, FINISHED!!
What a joy!
The pain I've felt lately does not flee but takes it's appropriate place backstage, gratefully stepping aside as joy lights up the center...
And I cannot fully express all the emotions concurrently evoked.
With music coursing through these earbuds & flowing gently through my body, with nowhere I need to be & nothing pressing to do, with the promise of lunch around the corner... I find myself relaxing to a degree I've not had the luxury of in months.
=)
This is heaven.
Knowing I am a person of depth.
Capable of excruciating pain upon the loss of a loved one.
Having continued on in my school endeavors.
Though all hell broke loose against me.
Feeling as a capable adult must.
Once accomplished in a particular area.
Flowing along with musical creations of satisfaction.
Dictating my own expressions to my fingers.
Knowing I've many I can turn to.
When I get ready to be social today.
Being perfectly content to experience all this alone.
=)
Hhhhmmmm...
Life is rich & deep & full & penetrating & agonizing & glorious & mind-numbing & breath-taking & validating & torturous & marvelous & exhausting & I'm glad I'm a part of it ALL.
Ach, & now the pain re-takes center...
=(
Emily was going through school, as well.
She'll not finish.
My heart aches for the loss of her contribution, though I feel her personal contribution continuing to effect my heart, mind, & life.
Every day I realize one more valuable gift she gave me, so she keeps on giving, even after death, & I pray I'll be the same when I'm gone...
Ahh, but I know she'd not want me to dwell upon it.
So I'll cry a bit & release this pain...
Allowing room for peace, pleasure, & gratitude to light up the day.
=/
Much has been accomplished.
Much will be celebrated.
=)
Thank Thee, Father, for ALL Thou hast given.
And I pray I remember.
Always.
Grateful for the miracle of my life...
Praying for others to recognize their own miracles,
Angelina

She's Dead.

Dead, as in no longer alive.
Dead, as in no longer with us.
Dead, as in DEAD.
My dear, dear, Emily is dead.
Dead, dead, DEAD.
And I feel I may die.
I know I won't, & that it's preposterous, really.
But I feel that way, nonetheless.
Logically, I know she's in a better place, since her body was so wasted, & was simply housing pain & suffering, these last few months.
But that logical reasoning makes no difference to my emotions.
Emotionally, I feel numb & grief & disbelief all at the same time.
Which causes me physically to feel very confused.
My stomach is particularly perplexed... "Am I supposed to vomit, or not? Seems like there's a reason to, yet there's no reason whatsoever at the same time. Am I supposed to vomit or not?!!!!"
As I typed to my professors a few minutes ago, "...words tend to be my anesthesia of choice..." & so I sit here typing, though it would be wise to eat, or do homework, or have attended my SI, or SOMETHING GOOD FOR MY LONG-TERM WELL-BEING!!! But, no. I turn to the keyboard. And frantically type away. Hoping, somehow, this frenzied activity will stop the two sentences that have been ringing through my mind since Emily's sister called... "This hurts so bad. My Emily's dead. She's dead. Gone. My Emily." AND THE REALLY UGLY ONE "I don't have time for this. I've got homework to do. It's the end of the semester. I can't afford to feel this way." Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!

My fingers just lay frozen upon the keyboard for several minutes... And I stared at them, willing them to move...
"Move, Dammit! Don't stop now!" but they just sat there.
Until, finally, my pinky twitched & hit the enter key & they were freed, somehow, to type again... But to type what?
THERE ARE NO WORDS!!
WORDS MEAN NOTHING!!
THIS IS AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY, TO ATTEMPT TO LAY WORDS DOWN THAT WILL SOMEHOW PORTRAY WHAT I'M FEELING!!!
But I'll keep on typing, 'til I'm drained of whatever it is that needs to be let go of, because I know not what else to do.

Eat?
Are you kidding me.
My stomach's protesting the information it's currently digesting, food would only complicate matters.
Do homework?
Again with the joking.
My hands keep freezing up & my eyes stare into space & there's wave after wave of grief & numbness coursing through my brain & body, how anything intelligent could come from me, upon any other subject, at this point in time, is completely unbeknownst to me.
Call my mother?
I don't think so.
She'll just feel so badly for me, & whatever, that it'll make me want to cry, but I don't think I can, so I'll just feel worse & worse.
Cry?
How.
I cried when I first found out, but was surrounded by strangers on campus, so I battled the emotions & now they're lodged inside somewhere & I don't know what it'll take to free them.
**Except I know it doesn't happen to be my mother. ;)**
Smile & Joke?
Maybe a smidge.
Not really. Though the above bit was slightly humorous to me... So I'll put a smiley face after this sentence as well. =) But does that actually DO anything? Not really. Not yet, anyway. Sure it will help later.
Sure all these ideas will help later.
Including many others. Like talking to friends, hula hooping, reading a novel, having a snowfight, coloring with my children **they'll be here within 24 hours!!**, making brownies for the physical therapy guys... **That these things are coming to my mind at all is a good sign. =)**
One at a time, I'll do each thing on my little list, & life will continue on, & I'll even find satisfaction & eventual joy in them again...
But, right now? I can't think of anything at all.
Anything at all that could possibly make me feel better.
**Though getting my homework done would be an immense stress relief, so I suppose THAT WOULD help me feel better. ;)**
Oh, I was funny semi-voluntarily... That's another good sign, I think. =)
Yay for me, & I bet Emily's pleased...
She really wouldn't want me to mope for long, I know that, but sheesh. This sucks.
And how is her family doing??? I cannot even imagine.
And her good husband?! Ach, it kills me. He loves her so much!!
And her children?? This is torture.
Life goes on, but I wish it'd stop for a while.
Give us time to get used to the idea of life without Emily in it. Then start up again, when we're a little more acclimated to the idea.
Oh, how my heart aches! How I've missed her already, these last few months, & now to know I'll not talk to her again MY WHOLE LIFE!?!!
The thought is EXCRUCIATING!
Yet it is reality.
And I better accept it, or it'll be an even harder "row to hoe".

Thing about Emily is, she LOVED life. Every aspect of it.
And she wouldn't want me wasting ANY of my life lamenting over hers, when she had such a good one AND wants ME to have such a good one, as well.
Besides, she was in pretty intense pain & is much better off now, without it, than she would be if she were still residing in her mortal frame.
Whatever, there's that logic again.
WHAT.EVER!
I JUST WANT MY EMILY!!
SHE'S MY DEAREST EMILY, & THE ONLY ONE LIKE HER, & SHE'S BEEN A CONSTANT IN MY LIFE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!!
ALWAYS THERE when I needed her, EVERY SINGLE TIME, & ALWAYS had something perfectly Emily-like to say!!!
ALWAYS TRUE to herself & honest & open & loving & generous & intelligent & UNIQUE, dammit!!
Now the tears fall.

So I did the dishes.
And cried.
'Til the tears dried up.
Long before the dishes will.
Ach, this hurts.
She was ALWAYS there! And now she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN!!
She even lived in the same damn house each of the fifteen years I've known her! And married the same man she was with when we were together as kids! And stayed the same, beautifully fabulous EMILY, that whole time!! No deception, no dismissals, no discrimination.
Just pure Emily... Loving me. Supporting me. Understanding me.
And staying safe, steady, & stable.
For me.
Whether she knew it or not, she was that way FOR ME!!

Dear God, how could it have been "her time to go"??
And how will I ever be whole without her here, physically? And if the loss of her physical presence cuts me so deeply, how will her family, husband, & children deal??
I KNOW I'll see her again, Father, that's not the issue. And I KNOW she's happier & better off than she would've been if she'd stayed.
And I DO trust in Thy timing & all that jibberdy-jazz. I do.
I just DO NOT KNOW HOW I'm going to be okay with all this.
How do people do it?? How did Tara, when her mom died? How did my dad when his mom died? How did Nelly when her son died? No wonder she was such a miserable person. I've struggled sooo much, without my kids with me all the time, yet each one is still alive! And Emily's death is kickin' my trash right about now, but she's "just" a friend.
**Stupid sentence, if there ever was one!**

Dear God, help me through this.
And Emily's family, husband, & kids. Not to mention Donna & all others that love Emily so!! Oh, how I hurt for us all!!

Hugs may be going round in heaven...
To celebrate her return.
But the hugs that are going round on earth are being desperately given...
To keep us from feeling alone.
Because the world is far emptier without her here.
And "alone" is the way we feel...
After a life like hers has passed from us.