Embracing My Inner Warrior!

Yep, that's right...
I am a Warrior Woman.
I acknowledge, accept, & admit it.
I am now publicly embracing my inner warrior. =)

I never have been able to pull off the whole "wall-flower" thing (believe me, I've tried!) & I've been accused of being a "fighter" for years (to those of you that know me well, that sounds crazy, but to those of you that know me well, you know what I'm referring to), so I've finally come to an understanding of what it's all about.

Sure... Call me a "fighter". I'll be a fighter. I'll be a fighter for good; a fighter against evil; an immovable Warrior Woman who stands for truth NO MATTER WHAT.
Go ahead... Call me "angry". I am angry! Angry about all the injustice out there; angry that we so selfishly & foolishly follow Satan without even paying attention; angry about all the cruel & stupid things we do to each other.
Feel free... Call me "negative". You can view it/me however you wanna... Cuz I talk about the negative a lot. I see it out there, all around us, & I think we all oughtta be aware of it AND SHUN IT! But how can we do that if we IGNORE IT???
So, yeah... I'm all of the above. I admit it... But if all you see is that I'm an angry, negative, fighter, well, you're missing the point... By a looooooong shot. And you can continue feeling that way, that's fine. I've "talked 'til I'm blue in the face" & nothin' seems to help ME be seen (only to some of you, don't worry, I know most of you "see me" clear as can be =), & I've finally come to fully realize that it's your deal, not mine... I refuse to accept responsibility for your erroneous misconceptions of WHO I AM.

But I do now choose to embrace my inner Warrior Woman, & let her free! =)=)=) And I willingly accept responsibility for that! =) Because I define who I am & I am claiming this.
I am waging war against evil. I will fight to the end. I will recognize the negativity out there, in all sizes, shapes, & forms, & I will be angry with it. I will no longer stand still in shock when someone says something spiteful; I will no longer bestow the "benefit of the doubt"! For I do not see any benefit of doubting; I will no longer give ground when fallacy flaunts it's foul form.
I am waging war against evil... And I will combat it even in it's subtle forms... Whether people like it, or not.

I am sick and tired, folks. Sick and tired of the insidious &, oh, so smooooooth way that evil pervades our beautiful lives. I've despised it from the beginning, but I felt powerless to do much about it... That has changed. I have discovered some interesting things about myself... Things I've been saying for years, but never fully comprehended. (Still probably don't, for that matter, but I sure am gettin' closer, eh? =)
And one sentence sums it up: I am a Warrior Woman.
One that wants to see some serious changes in this hell on earth.
One that's going to do ALL in her power to help bring those changes about. (And that power, I'm discovering, ain't nothin' to laugh at.) One that will never, ever give up, or renege.

So... If I've made people, um, shall we say, uncomfortable, in the past... With my inexplicable faith & "stubbornness" in accepting the "not that bigga deal" malignancies here & there, I must truly apologize in advance...
It will probably get even more uncomfortable.
And... For those of you that love these qualities in me, & are thrilled that I'm boldly claiming my Warriorship, well, I must Thank You in advance...
You, with God, are the ones that lifted me to this point, & it's about to get reeeeally fabulous! =)=)=)

Seriously, I am sooo grateful for all my beautiful friends! You have supported me & loved me unconditionally for sooo many years! Where would I be without YOU?!? Not so strong, that's for sure! Not so filled with faith & dedication, that's for sure!
I'd probably still be a confused, depressed little girl, struggling with trusting my own thoughts & everybody elses's opinion about me... What an ugly place that was. Ugh.
Thank you, my dearest sisters (& you few marvelous men out there =), for all the faith in me you've expressed over the years!!! YOU have helped me become WHO I AM. Couldn't have done it without you, each one of you, & that's a fact. So, if you're one who happens to be thrilled that I'm "embracing my inner warrior", well, give yourself a pat on the back!!! Cuz I wouldn't & couldn't be IF NOT FOR THE ESSENTIAL ROLE you've PLAYED IN MY LIFE!
I love you, love you, love you! =)=)=)

So, we'll see where this takes us, shall we? Surely it won't be pleasant & smooth... But I don't care anymore... I will do whatever it takes to root out & eradicate as much evil as possible in this world. I'll not wish for "the simple life" anymore. I'll now embrace the challenges placed before me as opportunities to "fight for right", & if the battleground is rough & ugly... Who cares? And if I stand alone at times... Who cares? And if I lose those I love at times... (Okay, I can't really say "Who cares?" about that one, but I'll try & keep my focus on the fact that I'll know we'll be connected again eventually. So...) I say... Dang it! to losing loved ones.
(Not much left to say after that is there?)

There's so much more in my heart & soul on this particular topic, but I cannot type anymore... Too much goin' on elsewhere that needs to be addressed, you know?
Love you ALL with all my heart (no matter how you view me =),
Prayin' that we'll all see more clearly who we are individually, so that we can more fully stand up & support each other collectively,
Ang

Scratch the Comment Request.

Apparently, it does not allow you to comment when I "hide" them... Sorry! I'm really quite bummed about it, hopefully you're not as sad as me. =)

If any of y'all don't already know my e-mail address, well, I guess it's probably fine to put it on here, just in case... rediscoveringpurpose@hotmail.com
If you'd like to share your thoughts... That's probably the best way to do it, at the moment. =)
Though, I admit, I'm not all that great with checking my e-mail... I am getting better! =)

I hope you're all having a fabulous day! I am emotionally, but physically is a different matter altogether. Ugh, my body's rebelling in a big way today... But "This Too Shall Pass", you know?

Anyway, just wanted to apologize for my oversight the other day...

Love you all GIGANTICALLY,
Prayin' for patience & peace (for everybody! =),
Ang

Please Continue Commenting...

But know that I will not be "showing" any of them, for a time.
Not sure of the length of that time, as I have no control over some particulars in my current situation...
I just wanted to let y'all know.
Sorry for any concern that any of you are now experiencing...
(And sorry for how lame & understated that seems.)

Please do continue commenting, though, I cannot express enough how marvelous it's been to receive your thoughts in return! =) Many more than have been published have commented & each little sentence thrills me to pieces, regardless of whether they get posted. =)=)=)

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please continue exercising your faith, my wonderful ladies, it's needed now more than fear MORE THAN EVER BEFORE!!!
I promise that God is paying attention to all that is going on everywhere & He WILL NOT allow this crazy life to hold more than we can each handle, individually AND collectively!
My entire life has testified of this.
(Doesn't always make sense to me...
And I DEFINITELY don't always like it!
But I know it's truth...)

Loving you all from a beautiful, safe place,
Praying we all get through whatever's coming with our faith intact,
No Matter WHAT Happens,
Angelina

Why Do My Cars' Treat Me So?

Yep, another one bites the dust...
(Yet another hangin'-by-my-seatbelt-doozy-of-a-crash one, too.)
Figure I better share with y'all about it, since some of you know pieces & may still be worried 'bout the (seemingly) constant danger that I find myself in...

One would think I was a bad driver or something (you may smile a little, tiny bit, but don't even think about laughing!), but I repeatedly contend that "I didn't do anything!!!" (I mean, nothing that I haven't done a million times over the years, & felt not-a-touch of danger those other 999,999 times!!!)
Come on now, though one other person that I know may disagree, I Am Not A Bad Driver!
These things JUST HAPPEN to ME...

Last years' experience was pretty scary, for those of you that don't know, & I remember what a good day it started as: I'd been kept from attending my classes for over a month, and was finally on my way back to school... Determined to catch up, though I wasn't sure how it could be done, as I was sooooo behind! Zeke had had RSV for an entire month, though he hadn't needed to be hospitalized, so I'd needed to stay home with him during that trying period. Then the girls got some stomach bug & spent a whole week puking their little guts out! Not to be outdone by my precious children, I proceeded to acquire the nasty flu that had been so virulent that season & was soooooooooooooooooo sick for, you guessed it, another week! (Honestly, I have NEVER had the flu even close to as bad as I had it that week; it was actually scary.) And it was all back-to-back-crazy!
Yeah, it'd been a loooong 6 weeks. =(

So, finally, I was ready & rarin' to go! It was St. Patrick's Day... I felt fabulous physically... (Had an adorable white shirt on, with big sparkly green words on it, so I felt oh-so-cute-&-festive...)
It was gonna be a great day! =)=)=)
Then I turned the corner to head up towards campus, the sun became blinding, I put my visor down (thought, "Gosh, I feel great today!"), and WHAM!!! slammed into a parked pick-up truck, flipped up & over through the air, landed with a glass-slamming crash on my side...
Hangin' sideways by my seatbelt.
They sawed into the windshield & cut my seatbelt to free me.

Miraculously, I only broke my left finger, (my hand hit the top of the window frame as I flipped) & had some scratches from the shattered window. Blew everyone away.

This time was even more astounding...
It was slushy & icy, but I wasn't too worried about it, cuz I'm used to driving in that kind of weather, you know? No big deal.
Unfortunately, the road itself disagreed.
I felt the tires slip out of control, there wasn't time to do much about it, I headed fast towards the high median in the middle of the road ("No, No, No, NO!"), then spun fast (in a full 360 through the giant semi-trucks) towards the right & onto the grass, and WHAM!!!!! hit a fairly sized tree stump, flipped completely upside down, landed with my head pressed against the shattered windshield ("Please, God, Please, God, Please, God")...
Hangin' upside down by my seatbelt.
*Listening to the steady, calming voice of Elder Wirthlin continue giving the conference talk "Come What May, and Love It".
(No joke. That's what I'd been listening to as my tires spun out of control, & it was still playing as I hung there.)*
A guy came & broke my passenger window, & held up my legs so I wouldn't fall as I unbuckled my seatbelt, in order to get me out.

Yeah, I was pretty devastated.
Buuut, I took stock (Elder Wirthlin helped me breathe & do that! =) & realized I wasn't really hurting & remembered that God always helps everything work out somehow...
Miraculously, after a full examination (ultrasound & everything), not a single scratch nor bruise upon me... & the baby is dandy.
NOT A SCRATCH OR BRUISE! AFTER all THAT!?!?!
That's a miracle. NO doubt about it. =)

And it gets better! I had just "happened" to meet a lady recently that had given me her number, which I called after I climbed from the wreckage (for reasons known only to God, at that point, cuz I sure didn't know what I was doin'!!!), & she managed to hook me up with another lady that resided relatively close by (which is a whole different set of miracles, in & of itself), as I was completely out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing a soul!
That beautiful, kind, generously-willing-to-be-of-service-to-a-stranger lady came & stayed with me in the hospital for several hours (it takes forever to make sure a body's okay nowadays! =), took me to her home & offered me a guestroom, took me to my car to snag what I needed from it, listened to me "unload" the pain & trials & faith of (what seemed like the entirety of) my life, & soooooooooooooooo much more!!!
I would rather have her in my life than my car, hands down... She'll be an eternal friend/sister, no question.

We wonder "Why is this happening to me?" (or "Why Do My Cars' Treat Me So?" =) & sometimes we miss out on the beauty & blessings of it all... The very question itself leads to lamenting, so we block the gifts God wants to shower down upon us, y'know? When we ask, in sincerity, "What is it God would have me learn from this?" or "What good purpose does He have in store amidst this situation?" then we can see clearly enough to catch glimpses of the joy & bounty He has sprinkled generously among the "wreckage" of whatever it may be that we're traveling through at the moment! I love it!!! =)=)=)
I'm just lucky enough that He helps make it easy for me to see. =)
*I mean, come on now, it's not every crash that plays "Come What May, and Love It", directly from an Apostle of the Lord, to you! How much easier could He have made it? Not much, I'd say. =)*

So, why DO my cars' "treat me so"?
The conclusion I've come to is this:
Cuz the car & the road & the sun & the slush, & the whatever else ya wanna throw in there, have learned to trust in God above & beyond anything else, that's why. "They" "know" a blessing will be received... somehow...
We're just a little slower than they'all are, sometimes. =)

Love you all,
Pray you're all doing as well & safe as I am,
And that you're seein' Gods' hands in EVERYTHING around you,
Even the wreckages,
Angelina

Is That a Rototiller I Hear?

Seriously... Is it? Is it reeallllly??? I believe it is!!! =)=)=)
I AM SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)=)=)=)=)=)=)

There's a garden plot here, & I do believe I'm in heaven today, just thinking of gardening again! =) Losing my hopes & dreams of my garden plans has been one of the most difficult things in leaving my recent home. (On top of all the other painful aspects. Sheesh, it never ends!) I had even planted a cute, little hazelnut tree! Sad, eh? Yeah, no more 12 ft. by 75 ft. garden space for me... See? I've been feeling slightly sorry for myself, I admit it... Missing the plot & the trees, the beauty of it all, & the plans for future years to come... &, especially, the way I felt close to God each moment I spent surrounded by His magnificent handiwork!
WHICH IS WHY THIS IS SUCH A GIFT TODAY! =)

I didn't even realize there was a garden area here. I've been so wrapped up in getting settled, acquiring a doctor for this baby, organizing my meager belongings, attending therapy sessions, making sure I eat & sleep... The list goes on... =) To be honest, I hadn't even stepped foot into the backyard! And then, this glorious day, I hear the familiar thrum of a rototiller! What inexplicable joy to realize that it's coming from this very property! What pure pleasure to realize that I'll have my own dirt to play in again!!! =) Little though it may be, it'll still be "my very own" & I can plant whatever my little heart desires! =)=)=) To pull out all the usurping weeds! (That's honestly one of my favorite parts... Yes, weeding! Because I know that with each weed I pull the tender vegetables around it will grow bigger & more nutritious!) It's fabulous fun to play a part in His creations, don't'cha think?!
Oh, to watch things grow again!
I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)=)=)=)=)=)=)

And that is why I must leave off writing immediately, so as to plan what's best to sow in this area & have everything prepared for the right time to do so!!!

Love you all forever,
Miss you, too,
Pray you take time this year to enjoy this beautiful, dirty earth that God gave you!!! =)
See ya lata,
Ang

Which Part of Me is NOT Me?

You know, it's interesting to me just how clearly a child within you can make their desires known... It's the most fascinating thing, really. =) Confusing, at first, & extraordinary, for sure, but truly intriguing when one takes a step back & just looks at what's really going on. I've been experiencing it in a way that I never have before, & it's heavily on my mind today, so I decided to share! (Ahhh, the beauty of the blog!!! =)
Now, I've definitely experienced this baby-makes-desires-known thing before, but never in quite the way, & to the degree, that I have been lately... And I feel sooo, um, perplexed, shall we say, about WHAT is really going on in "my" decision-making processes.

Not that that's all that unusual; many of you have been through my pregnancies with me & recall the way I feel (generally) so aggravated with the feeling of "not quite" being "ME". =) I've expressed frequent distaste for that feeling of being "taken over" & I always look forward to "being myself again" after the pregnancy is over; that's just the way I am when I'm pregnant! And I don't know, maybe I'm just more sensitive now after so many pregnant experiences, but it seems to me that this child is a bit more, um, hmmm, forward(?)... There's definitely more, um, interest displayed towards aspects of life, & my decisions about it, beyond the typically odd food cravings & Here-let-me-show-you-my-personality-through-wigglin'-my-tush-&-jammin'-my elbow-in-your-ribs-juuuuuuust-so!-There!!!-Now-you-see-more-what-I'll-be-like-right-mom?!?-Aaanything-I-can-do-to-help...

I mean, honestly, Elizabeth made it clear that she! didn't! care! how much money she ran up on the credit card! she wanted buffalo wings (only from Pizza Hut) & steaks(???) & Jamba Juices (does it really matter if you have to drive 45 minutes to get one?) & she wanted that food NOW!!! I also stopped eating candy. Really. Just... didn't want it anymore. All of that was incredibly bizarre for me. (Well, okay, I'd loved Jamba's for years... but not when you have to go out of your way for one!) Especially the steaks, lack of candy cravings, & rampant credit card usage for dining out. WHY was I changing so dramatically & just WHO was I becoming & WHEN had I ever not been able to stop myself from whipping out that stupid piece of plastic???!!!??? "I felt strange" would've been the understatement of the century... I felt like I'd been taken over by an alien!!! (And, of course, that was just a sneak preview into how, um, single-minded my dear sweet Elizabeth would prove to be. =) In addition to all that, she did a great "juuuuuuuust-so!" by poking us back every time we tried to feel for her, or get her attention; it was awesome! (And soooooo very HER! =) We tested her regularly, to see how much she was paying attention & how long she'd "play" with us... She was always paying attention. And she'd bump us back no matter which side of my belly we jabbed, no matter how long it took her to manuever over to the other side, for up to twenty minutes! Fabulous! =)=)=) And does it remind any of you of a little girl you know now? Maybe one that was requesting, "please don't drink that anymore, daddy" & when asked why, "cuz it's got 'carbi-ation' in it, & it's not good for your body"... All at the tender age of 18-19 months... Yep, that's my Elizabeth all right! Payin' attention & doin' somethin' about it. =)=)=)

Karlianne was different, of course, just as she should be: I didn't have an abundance of cravings... Mostly I just wanted vague things: more sweets, give me sugar, any old junk will do, you know, that kind of thing. =) The only one that was specific, & indisputable, was the desire for a crisp bean burrito from Taco Time... Simple enough, right? (And cheap! =) Ohhh, nooo! It was impossible!!! I was unable to satisfy my (single, true) craving throughout my entire pregnancy... BECAUSE THERE ARE NO TACO TIMES' IN GEORGIA! One of my dearest friends even brought over a deep-fat-fryer & we attempted to duplicate them... The only thing we succeeded in satisfying was our yearly quota of gut-busting laughter because of how completely pathetic our attempts became. =)=)=) The "juuuuuuuust-so!" that Karlianne routinely did was simply this: Never. Stop. Moving. No joke! She was sooo active that I actually went to the hospital once, during my eighth month, cuz I hadn't felt her move in... 2 hours!!! By the time we got a monitor hooked up it had been... 4 whole hours!!! I was downright concerned... She'd NEVER held still thaaaaaaaat long since I'd first felt movement! It amazes me how telling that is, even to this day... Everyone who knows Karlianne knows 1) She's pretty easy-going & only on a few things will she really insist upon, 2) She really doesn't care what kind of junk-food she can get away with eating, if it's got sugar in it, honestly, she's perfectly satisfied, & 3) She is one of the most physically oriented & active child there ever was! =) Hasn't changed a bit, from conception 'til now. =)=)=)

Zeke now, he's a trip! I really believe that child will have more faith than anyone that's currently on this planet (okay, that may be a slight exaggeration... we do have a prophet in residence! =), seriously, I look back on my pregnancy experiences with him & never cease to be astounded. Everyone thought, including me, that it was my faith that sustained me, but I've begun to wonder... Some things during a pregnancy are transient, & obviously move on out when the child does, but some things are changed forever (as in the medium-rare steak that I still enjoy immensely =). There's something about when Zeke was within me... Yes, I had faith beyond any I'd displayed before, there's no doubt of that. Yes, I continued having great faith even after I was holding him in my arms, instead of my womb. But, No, I don't believe I've ever had as great of faith as when he resided within me, & our spirits were in such a strong bond. It's difficult to explain really. =) Well, whatever the exact details are, he will prove to have a faith beyond anything anyone's ever seen in either of his parents, that's for sure! =)=)=) And I don't know yet what he'll really like to eat the most, but he sure was a healthy little craver! Fresh salmon, fresh green beans, fresh pineapple, fresh everything!!! I took better care of myself with him than I've ever done! =)=)=) (See? What was I saying a bit ago? =) It's obvious there's a lot I can learn from my son! =)=)=)

So, now that I've raved about my fabulous, little darlings for quite a bit longer than I'd anticipated, I'll redirect back to the topic that got me started on all this! =)
THIS little new one, still swimmin' around in here, & the engaging, um, intensity with which certain things are made known! =)
Actually, that's pretty inexplicable as well... Hmmm... How would I even describe what's going on? I've already said pretty much all there is to say about it, honestly. I don't know... The bottom line is that this child is more interested in actions I take, than in foods that I eat. (Some of you will understand what that means to me & why I find it so incredibly fascinating. Those of you that don't, well, we need to talk sometime soon, if at all possible; try me on a weekend. =) I am continuously amazed at the types of communication that this child feels are essential, & I find myself opening up to certain people in ways I would most assuredly never do of my own design (not after all the trust that's been broken so recently, anyway). It's interesting to find myself doing things that expose more of myself than I want to, feeling as if my hands have a "mind of their own" as I'm typing more than I'm comfortable with (yet continuing to do so cuz I feel compelled to express certain things), & realizing later (through much prayer & pondering) that it WAS what was best for THIS CHILD &, honestly, really didn't have much to do with ME at all. Crazy cool, eh?
Yeah, I wish I could expound on exactly what I'm talkin' about here, but I feel better just tellin' ya what I told ya!!! =)=)=) (And I love that I feel so loved by y'all, whether I'm pregnant & "not quite" being "ME" or not! =)=)=)

Love you ALL, & pray that we all learn to respect our children's individual needs & desires, & what's best for everybody as a whole, more than we've ever done before, no matter the difficulty of laying our past &/or pride aside,
Angelina

Well, Here I Am...

I've actually been here for a week now (Not that you know where that is! hehehe) and I'm safe & sound, so you're now officially instructed to stop worrying!!! (If it's too difficult, then start praying... & don't stop until you're at peace, K? Cuz the universe doesn't need any more negatives, believe me!)
I text' as many people as I could (40! I couldn't believe it!) but there are still so many of you that I haven't been able to even call yet (!minutes! you know how it goes...), so I came up with my "Brilliant Blogging Plan" & here I am! =)
Now, I can share stuff with all my loved ones at the same time!!! (Yes, I know, some of you have been doing it for ages & wonder how I can be so slow, but I can't answer that question adequately, so you're just going to have to focus on your gratitude that I'm finally doing it now! =)

Seriously, though, I feel sooo safe & loved! (Which is a beautifully miraculous thing, after all that's happened. =) This place is amazing!!! I love the community & the people at church already, & I meet someone new that I absolutely fall in love with at least twice a week... These women around me, that are dealing with similar issues, are soooooo incredible! And I really do feel God's guiding assistance, & the reassurance that I'm right where I need to be, so please keep the faith with me, K? God is better than all the junk & He WILL right all wrongs!!! (Yay, God!!! =)=)=)

So, I'm going to try and post weekly, at the very least, so y'all can rest assured that we're breathing & well... Sound good? (If you want more posts, well, you'll need to let me know through your comments to my posts, deal? Deal! =) Oh, and I will be monitoring the comments, since I need certain things to remain undisclosed, so just be aware of that, K? Thanks!!!

I love you all SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! And miss you ALL, as well. I pray that we all gain as much faith, peace, & wisdom as we need to during this crazy life...
Take care of yourself, as well as your loved ones,
Love,
Angelina