Okay, so, I suppose that's an exaggeration...
BUT...
It IS my Birthday!! =)
And that's pretty damn powerful, don'tcha think? ;)
Anyway, I love life & I love that I made it through 31 years & I love that I have one white hair & I feel I earned it & I love that he text' me flowers all the time & I love the gift that I woke up with this morning & I love that I go dancing every week & I love that I'm loved & I love that this last year transformed my entire life & I love that I got to spend a day with my children at my sister's wedding & I love that I also got to see my other li'l sister & I love that I'm going to the Cache Valley Cruise-In for my Birthday & I love that I have a steady place to live & I love that I'm up to huge things in my life & I love that my kids know I love them no matter what anyone says or how I fail at things & I love that this is the longest run-on sentence that has ever made it outside of my journal!!
Basically, I love life.
More specifically, I love my life.
Even more accurate, I love the life I've chosen.
And I'll keep choosing it.
And it will become more & more fulfilling every year.
And I freakin' rock for living through all the garbage,
AND NOW LOOK HOW WORTH IT IT WAS/IS!!
I could go on to share exactly how & why, but I really don't feel like it...
It's my Birthday & I've been inundated with calls & texts all morning & then I got on Facebook to change a couple things & spread the love & there were a ton of Happy Birthday wishes & it's been marvelous, don't get me wrong, but I need a li'l peace & quiet...
So I'm off to B&N to write in the book I'm working on & to read a li'l & then move my bed into my new space & spend time with a few friends & then go dancing to close out the night!!
What a fabulous gift of a day I have...
31 years old.
Rock on!! =)
I made it...
=)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
01 July, 2011
08 June, 2011
Dude. I ROCK!!
Words don't even come close to describing how freakin' cool I am!!
Seriously.
I mean it! LOL, truly!! =)
I am so high on life right now, it's definitely funny. ;)
And I love ME!! =)))
I don't know how I got so cool, but I'm lovin' this.
So, not only am I full of good character traits & whatever, but I JUST TIGHT-ROPED!
Who does that, I asks ya??
Cool people, that's who. ;)
Yay for being a cool people!! ;)
Okay, seriously seriously now...
I am so thrilled with my life, it amazes me.
You'd think I'd still be all sorts of bent out of shape over the hideous circumstances that've been thrown my way, over & over & over again...
But, nope, I'm not.
And get less "bent" each day. ;)
Really.
I know it's partly me & mostly God & partly good friends & partly whatever, but I DON'T CARE what the reasons are!! I like the results!!! =)
Not only is my health improving impressively, but my guy-life is also.
Not only do I have a bazillion friends who love me, but new people love me also.
Not only am I sure I'll be successful someday, but I'm successful now also.
Okay, that first line makes no sense...
But it makes me happy!! ;)
Each guy I "date" *that term is used very loosely, btw* just gets cooler & cooler... To the point that when they get where they don't wanna date me anymore *cuz I'm so "complicated"* I feel a bit sad AND THEN look forward in anticipation to see HOW FREAKIN' COOL the next dude'll be!!
How fun is THAT??
Let me tell you... IT'S FUN!!! =)))
Plus I've figured something super-vital out:
I am not complicated.
My life is, yes.
But IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am not complicated.
I'm simple & straight-forward & fabulously honest.
Anyone who doesn't think so, well, look in the mirror, folks.
Really.
I've thought that I was uncomplicated for ages, but it's been lately that I've been able to see just how clear I am... And I'm loving it more than words can express!! =)
*Granted, I believe I WAS much more complicated during my first marriage, so... That's a li'l unpleasant to realize...
But, oh well. I did my best.*
Each new guy is clearer & clearer & our communication rocks. =)
'Course, they've each ended up looking at the details of my life & thinking it's ME that's drama/complicated, so they've bailed...
But I know one o' these days SOME AMAZING MAN will SEE ME FOR WHO I AM & all is gonna rock the house, baby, oh, yeah!! ;)
Anyway, THE BEST NEWS OF ALL:
Communication has been re-established between Mr. Father-of-My-Children & I...
Aaaaannd...
I've spoken with my three beautiful children THREE TIMES in the last few weeks!!!
That's an F-ing MIRACLE, is what that is!! =)))
WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =))))))))
I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! =)
So, talking with them again is so magnificent, I just can't even tell you.
It'd been so damn long.
And so damn difficult.
And so damn damn-damn damn-damn-damn.
That's right.
Whatever that would equate to, it was it.
BUT WE'RE TALKIN' NOW!!! =)))
And it thrills me to pieces, beyond words.
Which makes my whole life beautiful.
Even when I lost yet another home & job, recently.
Ugh.
Craziness.
They flow in & out of my life like water.
I don't quite get it.
Buuuuuuuut...
I have confidence that WHEN A HOME & STEADY INCOME FINALLY STICK WITH ME, wow, it'll be so fantabulous...
Y'all won't barely even be able to grasp it all. =)
Really.
Cuz I'm cool people, remember?
Tight-rope walking, cool-guy magnetizing, beautiful-children mothering...
Rockin' Chick.
LOL, seriously. ;)
Seriously.
I mean it! LOL, truly!! =)
I am so high on life right now, it's definitely funny. ;)
And I love ME!! =)))
I don't know how I got so cool, but I'm lovin' this.
So, not only am I full of good character traits & whatever, but I JUST TIGHT-ROPED!
Who does that, I asks ya??
Cool people, that's who. ;)
Yay for being a cool people!! ;)
Okay, seriously seriously now...
I am so thrilled with my life, it amazes me.
You'd think I'd still be all sorts of bent out of shape over the hideous circumstances that've been thrown my way, over & over & over again...
But, nope, I'm not.
And get less "bent" each day. ;)
Really.
I know it's partly me & mostly God & partly good friends & partly whatever, but I DON'T CARE what the reasons are!! I like the results!!! =)
Not only is my health improving impressively, but my guy-life is also.
Not only do I have a bazillion friends who love me, but new people love me also.
Not only am I sure I'll be successful someday, but I'm successful now also.
Okay, that first line makes no sense...
But it makes me happy!! ;)
Each guy I "date" *that term is used very loosely, btw* just gets cooler & cooler... To the point that when they get where they don't wanna date me anymore *cuz I'm so "complicated"* I feel a bit sad AND THEN look forward in anticipation to see HOW FREAKIN' COOL the next dude'll be!!
How fun is THAT??
Let me tell you... IT'S FUN!!! =)))
Plus I've figured something super-vital out:
I am not complicated.
My life is, yes.
But IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am not complicated.
I'm simple & straight-forward & fabulously honest.
Anyone who doesn't think so, well, look in the mirror, folks.
Really.
I've thought that I was uncomplicated for ages, but it's been lately that I've been able to see just how clear I am... And I'm loving it more than words can express!! =)
*Granted, I believe I WAS much more complicated during my first marriage, so... That's a li'l unpleasant to realize...
But, oh well. I did my best.*
Each new guy is clearer & clearer & our communication rocks. =)
'Course, they've each ended up looking at the details of my life & thinking it's ME that's drama/complicated, so they've bailed...
But I know one o' these days SOME AMAZING MAN will SEE ME FOR WHO I AM & all is gonna rock the house, baby, oh, yeah!! ;)
Anyway, THE BEST NEWS OF ALL:
Communication has been re-established between Mr. Father-of-My-Children & I...
Aaaaannd...
I've spoken with my three beautiful children THREE TIMES in the last few weeks!!!
That's an F-ing MIRACLE, is what that is!! =)))
WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =))))))))
I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! =)
So, talking with them again is so magnificent, I just can't even tell you.
It'd been so damn long.
And so damn difficult.
And so damn damn-damn damn-damn-damn.
That's right.
Whatever that would equate to, it was it.
BUT WE'RE TALKIN' NOW!!! =)))
And it thrills me to pieces, beyond words.
Which makes my whole life beautiful.
Even when I lost yet another home & job, recently.
Ugh.
Craziness.
They flow in & out of my life like water.
I don't quite get it.
Buuuuuuuut...
I have confidence that WHEN A HOME & STEADY INCOME FINALLY STICK WITH ME, wow, it'll be so fantabulous...
Y'all won't barely even be able to grasp it all. =)
Really.
Cuz I'm cool people, remember?
Tight-rope walking, cool-guy magnetizing, beautiful-children mothering...
Rockin' Chick.
LOL, seriously. ;)
05 April, 2011
Truth About Despair:
It's an illusionary device of the devil.
Period.
*Whether you believe in a devil or a dark force or negativity or nothing at all, I don't care, it's all B.S. anyway.*
Despair gets us RIGHT BEFORE the "good" stuff's about to happen.
Every time.
It's all made-up.
Every bit of it.
All MADE UP by that Satan-dude & we fall for it, don't we...
Some people.
Sometimes.
Like me.
Oops.
But, the GOOD NEWS is:
I've gotten out of it sooner & sooner, in my lovely life...
And THAT is PROGRESS, indeed!! =)
And we can ALL do that.
*Really. No lie. YOU too have the power to destroy the dastardly devil & his diabolically darkened despair!!*
**Okay, that was so F-ing hilarious!! I couldn't resist, then it just got better, & I should so write comic books!! ;)**
LOL, ANYway...
I woke with a sadness this morning...
Missing a loved one *or twenty*...
And that sadness just grew & morphed & darkened & yech!
Only a couple hours had passed & I was feeling utterly pointless & like a waste of good earth material.
*No joke!! It was AWFUL!!*
That, my dear friends-that-I-know-never-read-this-anymore-thank-heavens-cuz-I-stopped-writing-it-for-your-benefit-ages-ago-&-now-if-you-get-anything-out-of-this-blog-I-would-consider-it-a-miracle-but-I-believe-in-miracles-&-pray-for-them-regularly-so-I-hope-you-are-still-getting-something-from-my-ramblings-cuz-I-love-you-very-much, is how despair works its dark magic.
"Oh, you're sad? Missing a loved one, eh? Well... You KNOW that when you don't have your loved ones around you, especially for extended periods of time, it MUST mean that you're UNworthy to have those loved ones in your life. You know this, right? I mean, I HATE to break it to you, if you didn't already know it, but everyone else knows it & it seems only fair that YOU ought to have this information as well. Oh, does that make you even MORE sad?? I'm soooo sorry, really I am, but this IS life, & you ARE alone, & everyone else you know has people around, do they not?? Cuz they're better than you are. With relationships, at least... Well... Now that we're having this conversation, I may as well tell you: They're better at EVERYthing than you are. I HATE to say it, you know I wouldn't if it weren't true, but... Really. See how they manage to not only keep the people they love around them, but they also stay in their homes & keep their jobs & maintain their vehicles & get their nails done?? That's all because they handle life better than you & are more worthy to keep the blessings they receive &..."
You get the idea?
Insidious, is despair not??
Yes.
Insidious.
It may use a different tact on different people, but the message is generally the same.
And it gets us, alright.
Right where we're most tender.
But, here's the thing:
It's illusionary.
It's a device of the devil.
*Whoever that may be, whatever you believe, I don't care. He/it's REAL.*
AND it's up to US whether we listen or not.
I listened, to a point, for a couple hours this morning...
And then I said, "Yo. Idiot. Your time's up. Let the door hitcha on yo' way out!"
And...
I feel much better now. =)
Period.
*Whether you believe in a devil or a dark force or negativity or nothing at all, I don't care, it's all B.S. anyway.*
Despair gets us RIGHT BEFORE the "good" stuff's about to happen.
Every time.
It's all made-up.
Every bit of it.
All MADE UP by that Satan-dude & we fall for it, don't we...
Some people.
Sometimes.
Like me.
Oops.
But, the GOOD NEWS is:
I've gotten out of it sooner & sooner, in my lovely life...
And THAT is PROGRESS, indeed!! =)
And we can ALL do that.
*Really. No lie. YOU too have the power to destroy the dastardly devil & his diabolically darkened despair!!*
**Okay, that was so F-ing hilarious!! I couldn't resist, then it just got better, & I should so write comic books!! ;)**
LOL, ANYway...
I woke with a sadness this morning...
Missing a loved one *or twenty*...
And that sadness just grew & morphed & darkened & yech!
Only a couple hours had passed & I was feeling utterly pointless & like a waste of good earth material.
*No joke!! It was AWFUL!!*
That, my dear friends-that-I-know-never-read-this-anymore-thank-heavens-cuz-I-stopped-writing-it-for-your-benefit-ages-ago-&-now-if-you-get-anything-out-of-this-blog-I-would-consider-it-a-miracle-but-I-believe-in-miracles-&-pray-for-them-regularly-so-I-hope-you-are-still-getting-something-from-my-ramblings-cuz-I-love-you-very-much, is how despair works its dark magic.
"Oh, you're sad? Missing a loved one, eh? Well... You KNOW that when you don't have your loved ones around you, especially for extended periods of time, it MUST mean that you're UNworthy to have those loved ones in your life. You know this, right? I mean, I HATE to break it to you, if you didn't already know it, but everyone else knows it & it seems only fair that YOU ought to have this information as well. Oh, does that make you even MORE sad?? I'm soooo sorry, really I am, but this IS life, & you ARE alone, & everyone else you know has people around, do they not?? Cuz they're better than you are. With relationships, at least... Well... Now that we're having this conversation, I may as well tell you: They're better at EVERYthing than you are. I HATE to say it, you know I wouldn't if it weren't true, but... Really. See how they manage to not only keep the people they love around them, but they also stay in their homes & keep their jobs & maintain their vehicles & get their nails done?? That's all because they handle life better than you & are more worthy to keep the blessings they receive &..."
You get the idea?
Insidious, is despair not??
Yes.
Insidious.
It may use a different tact on different people, but the message is generally the same.
And it gets us, alright.
Right where we're most tender.
But, here's the thing:
It's illusionary.
It's a device of the devil.
*Whoever that may be, whatever you believe, I don't care. He/it's REAL.*
AND it's up to US whether we listen or not.
I listened, to a point, for a couple hours this morning...
And then I said, "Yo. Idiot. Your time's up. Let the door hitcha on yo' way out!"
And...
I feel much better now. =)
01 April, 2011
I Thought Wrong...
I thought you knew me.
I thought you'd know the difference between knowing & assuming.
I thought you'd ask, if you didn't know.
I thought you'd ask, even if you thought you knew, if you were thinking negatively, just to make sure you really knew, so you'd never assume something negative about me unnecessarily.
I thought you knew me.
I thought you wanted to.
I thought you would speak up, to clarify, when you needed to.
I thought I'd always have an opportunity to fill you in, if you needed more information, cuz we'd have conversations for the rest of our lives, so we could clear things up.
I thought you knew me.
I thought wrong.
You thought I should care about differences between countries & when people were born.
You thought I should ask you more how things are in your life, even though I do on a regular basis & you don't tell me much more than the fluff stuff, cuz you don't wanna have conversations that aren't fun & light & whatever.
You thought that must mean that I'm selfish, or don't care enough about you, or something, even though I was respecting your time-table & need for privacy.
You thought a lot of other things, that I have no idea of, because you never shared them.
Until you were close to done.
Then...
A cuss-word or two & you can't handle me anymore??
What nonsense.
Absolute & utter nonsense.
You thought wrong.
You go find a mother that's had her husband, of nearly a decade, leave her... Her second husband choke her & threaten her life & violate her children... Those same children be handed over to that first husband, to temporarily care for them while she places her fourth & last baby for adoption... Then have her remain separated from them for two long F-ing years &, just to top it off, have her realize that that first husband now has NO INTENTION of even allowing her three beautiful children TO EVEN SPEAK WITH HER, let alone live with her again...
And go give her some shit about dancing & cussing & being grateful for a man in her life who is handsome & honest & intelligent & respects her & -God Forbid!- also drinks alcohol.
See how well that works for a quick conversation.
Oh, yeah, AND a quick conversation THAT YOU ALREADY MADE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT BEFORE YOU LAID IT OUT!!!
See if this other *lovely, dancing, church-going, scripture-studying, ensign-pondering, conference-anticipating, sex-abstaining-though-it's-cussing-up-a-storm-harder-than-anyone-can-even-come-close-to-imagining-thank-you-very-much, non-alcohol-drinking, ALL-ALONE-DOING-THE-BEST-DAMN-JOB-SHE-CAN* woman would be as polite!
And all that crap mentioned above??
That this woman has dealt with??
*With dignity & grace, mind you, for the most part...*
YOU KNOW that's only the tiniest portion of what has ACTUALLY occurred in her life, during the last few years, & is absolutely NOTHING when one considers THE WHOLE of her life.
But...
That all gets swept under the rug when someone does something you don't approve of, right?
Cuz...
We're all...
Supposed to be...
Perfect??
What does that even mean, anyway?
Perfect in what?
Perfectly following the prophet's advice, apparently.
Which, I suppose, I'm *shockingly enough* not doing adequately.
For you.
Guarantee, though...
I met one of those men?
They'd love me to pieces. =)
Cuz I don't hide my flaws.
And I take accountability for them.
And I work to improve strength in my personal weaknesses.
And I keep believing in Christ as my Atoning One, no matter what.
And I keep reading/studying the words of those men, past & present.
And I keep finding new ways to apply those words/principles in my life.
And I keep trusting in my Father.
That He KNOWS ALL.
And LOVES ALL.
And will work ALL to good.
Has, in fact, ALREADY done so.
And I just happen to see His hand in things a li'l bit sooner than the average bear.
So.
Y'all can judge me 'til the cows come home...
But...
Yo' missin' out on a pretty magnificent view.
Of those very same cows...
Meandering on through the most lushly verdant valley...
Surrounded by the most glorious peaks...
Heated by the brightest rays of sunshine there ever was, or will be.
Ciao! =)
I thought you'd know the difference between knowing & assuming.
I thought you'd ask, if you didn't know.
I thought you'd ask, even if you thought you knew, if you were thinking negatively, just to make sure you really knew, so you'd never assume something negative about me unnecessarily.
I thought you knew me.
I thought you wanted to.
I thought you would speak up, to clarify, when you needed to.
I thought I'd always have an opportunity to fill you in, if you needed more information, cuz we'd have conversations for the rest of our lives, so we could clear things up.
I thought you knew me.
I thought wrong.
You thought I should care about differences between countries & when people were born.
You thought I should ask you more how things are in your life, even though I do on a regular basis & you don't tell me much more than the fluff stuff, cuz you don't wanna have conversations that aren't fun & light & whatever.
You thought that must mean that I'm selfish, or don't care enough about you, or something, even though I was respecting your time-table & need for privacy.
You thought a lot of other things, that I have no idea of, because you never shared them.
Until you were close to done.
Then...
A cuss-word or two & you can't handle me anymore??
What nonsense.
Absolute & utter nonsense.
You thought wrong.
You go find a mother that's had her husband, of nearly a decade, leave her... Her second husband choke her & threaten her life & violate her children... Those same children be handed over to that first husband, to temporarily care for them while she places her fourth & last baby for adoption... Then have her remain separated from them for two long F-ing years &, just to top it off, have her realize that that first husband now has NO INTENTION of even allowing her three beautiful children TO EVEN SPEAK WITH HER, let alone live with her again...
And go give her some shit about dancing & cussing & being grateful for a man in her life who is handsome & honest & intelligent & respects her & -God Forbid!- also drinks alcohol.
See how well that works for a quick conversation.
Oh, yeah, AND a quick conversation THAT YOU ALREADY MADE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT BEFORE YOU LAID IT OUT!!!
See if this other *lovely, dancing, church-going, scripture-studying, ensign-pondering, conference-anticipating, sex-abstaining-though-it's-cussing-up-a-storm-harder-than-anyone-can-even-come-close-to-imagining-thank-you-very-much, non-alcohol-drinking, ALL-ALONE-DOING-THE-BEST-DAMN-JOB-SHE-CAN* woman would be as polite!
And all that crap mentioned above??
That this woman has dealt with??
*With dignity & grace, mind you, for the most part...*
YOU KNOW that's only the tiniest portion of what has ACTUALLY occurred in her life, during the last few years, & is absolutely NOTHING when one considers THE WHOLE of her life.
But...
That all gets swept under the rug when someone does something you don't approve of, right?
Cuz...
We're all...
Supposed to be...
Perfect??
What does that even mean, anyway?
Perfect in what?
Perfectly following the prophet's advice, apparently.
Which, I suppose, I'm *shockingly enough* not doing adequately.
For you.
Guarantee, though...
I met one of those men?
They'd love me to pieces. =)
Cuz I don't hide my flaws.
And I take accountability for them.
And I work to improve strength in my personal weaknesses.
And I keep believing in Christ as my Atoning One, no matter what.
And I keep reading/studying the words of those men, past & present.
And I keep finding new ways to apply those words/principles in my life.
And I keep trusting in my Father.
That He KNOWS ALL.
And LOVES ALL.
And will work ALL to good.
Has, in fact, ALREADY done so.
And I just happen to see His hand in things a li'l bit sooner than the average bear.
So.
Y'all can judge me 'til the cows come home...
But...
Yo' missin' out on a pretty magnificent view.
Of those very same cows...
Meandering on through the most lushly verdant valley...
Surrounded by the most glorious peaks...
Heated by the brightest rays of sunshine there ever was, or will be.
Ciao! =)
24 March, 2011
Didn't Occur To Me...
That I would be the one to hurt you.
I thought, honestly, that no one would get hurt.
I look back... And wonder if that's always been my problem.
A PollyAnna sort of approach to relationships, indeed.
See, the thing is:
I'm not capable of hurting anyone, truth be told.
All who've ever been hurt by me have pulled that hurt into their own hearts of their own accord.
Just as I've done, with them.
No one has ever intended to hurt me...
*Okay, I still wonder about my step-mother, I admit, but I'm pretty sure that if I were to talk with her NOW, with all I've learned & grown these last several years, I'd discover that she never intended... Nope, sorry, okay, I still think she was evil. Maybe not to her core or anything, but pretty damn close. I dunno. We'll see. One o' these days. Anyway...*
What I've learned is that people don't hurt me, I hurt myself.
Through believing certain things about them & the circumstances.
I've known this for a while now, but it's been more deeply impressed as of late.
So...
I "fell" in love again.
I know, I know... You'd think I'd "learn" by now.
And, by the song that just came up on my Pandora station, I HAVE LEARNED!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkzLk_2A5Dg
Damn straight! ;)
ANYWAY,
I didn't think I was FALLING in love, at first, cuz I felt like I was walking along, comfortably, side by side... And it was sooooo different, & soooo nice... I just didn't recognize the "falling" part.
So, I assumed, for nearly a week, that I didn't "fall in love" with him, that I JUST LIKED HIM.
What a fool I can be, sometimes.
He's the best man, by far, thus far.
How could I NOT "fall" for him??
*Fall on my knees & kiss his feet, that is, cuz he was bringin' such joy & pleasure into my sorely-deprived-of-such-things life... ;)*
Silliness seems to by my spesh-i-al-ity... ;)
For though I DID "fall" & it was NOT "hard", I'm more firmly "planted" in my love for him than I've been thus far... In my entire life.
Which is kind of odd, when I think of it... Considering how long & hard I fought to keep my marriages intact *hey, 6 months was a hell of a long time, with that man... you've no idea* BUT WHAT I'VE REALIZED is that I was "fighting" to "keep" something that was dead or corrupted or miserable in some way... And this, this... This is different.
Different as night & day.
This man wants to be wanted by me...
He just doesn't want to be hurt.
And he's protecting his heart.
Just in case.
*I hope & pray it's "just in case"!! If I did something already, I want to know! And rectify it!!*
Thing is: He's said so.
He was honest & open about his feelings/actions.
And I am still reeling in shock to have "discovered" such a man.
That I could "fall for" even MORE in the "breaking up" than in the initial "getting to know you" phase!! Who knew?! *God, of course... ;) Who, when I expressed how much I LIKED this man, responded with, "I knew you would." What a hoot!! =)*
Now, I know I've expressed great love & impress-ment *LOL, whatever! =) It works for what I need right now. ;)* with each man I've ever "fallen for" or been married to, for that matter, AND ALL THAT TRUTH IS NOT NEGATED BY THE IMPROVEMENT OF EACH SUBSEQUENT MAN... Not a whit.
Real truth is:
Not only do I find more & more clear men, but IIIIIIIIIIIII become more & more clear!
More firmly entrenched in the truth of WHO I AM, so it's easier to attract men who are more into truth & honesty & expression, you know?
*Wish I'd known all this before marrying... Saved a lot of heartache... But... 'Tis what it IS... And I'll not look back with regret... Still wishin' him the best, though... Hopin' he comes to the same realizations, so he can let go of all his bitterness & blame...*
Oh, God, help me. *know you will ;)* I feel so strongly, yet simply & sweetly, that I just want to stick it out with this one.
I wanted to stick it out with the others, of course, but it was more a stubborn refusal to admit failure/acknowledge that love couldn't "conquer" everything RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE... You know? *of course you do ;)* OR something along the lines of: I "can't lose" ANOTHER one... Or I'll just shrivel up & die...
Not very healthy outlooks, I realize now.
*LOL, I'm hilARious! ;) I luv me!! =)*
I loved each one of them, very very very much, but there was a clingy/controlling aspect underlying my love that just doesn't produce the highest quality expression of PURE love that I was aiming for...
*funny... I think some of them tried to tell me that... ;)*
Oh, Father... I just don't ever want to HOLD ON to a man who doesn't want to be held... Ever again. Yet...
Sometimes...
Don't we need to be held?
Whether we think we do, or not??
I know I do.
Sometimes.
And so do my children.
Sometimes.
So...
Maybe...
Men do also??
Hmmmmmmmm....
This is a thought that deserves some pondering... At the very least.
Oh, Father, I love Thee!! =)
I feel better now.
Time to go take care o' business! ;)
Ciao!
In Jesus' name I found myself praying, as usual & quite gratefully, Amen.
I thought, honestly, that no one would get hurt.
I look back... And wonder if that's always been my problem.
A PollyAnna sort of approach to relationships, indeed.
See, the thing is:
I'm not capable of hurting anyone, truth be told.
All who've ever been hurt by me have pulled that hurt into their own hearts of their own accord.
Just as I've done, with them.
No one has ever intended to hurt me...
*Okay, I still wonder about my step-mother, I admit, but I'm pretty sure that if I were to talk with her NOW, with all I've learned & grown these last several years, I'd discover that she never intended... Nope, sorry, okay, I still think she was evil. Maybe not to her core or anything, but pretty damn close. I dunno. We'll see. One o' these days. Anyway...*
What I've learned is that people don't hurt me, I hurt myself.
Through believing certain things about them & the circumstances.
I've known this for a while now, but it's been more deeply impressed as of late.
So...
I "fell" in love again.
I know, I know... You'd think I'd "learn" by now.
And, by the song that just came up on my Pandora station, I HAVE LEARNED!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkzLk_2A5Dg
Damn straight! ;)
ANYWAY,
I didn't think I was FALLING in love, at first, cuz I felt like I was walking along, comfortably, side by side... And it was sooooo different, & soooo nice... I just didn't recognize the "falling" part.
So, I assumed, for nearly a week, that I didn't "fall in love" with him, that I JUST LIKED HIM.
What a fool I can be, sometimes.
He's the best man, by far, thus far.
How could I NOT "fall" for him??
*Fall on my knees & kiss his feet, that is, cuz he was bringin' such joy & pleasure into my sorely-deprived-of-such-things life... ;)*
Silliness seems to by my spesh-i-al-ity... ;)
For though I DID "fall" & it was NOT "hard", I'm more firmly "planted" in my love for him than I've been thus far... In my entire life.
Which is kind of odd, when I think of it... Considering how long & hard I fought to keep my marriages intact *hey, 6 months was a hell of a long time, with that man... you've no idea* BUT WHAT I'VE REALIZED is that I was "fighting" to "keep" something that was dead or corrupted or miserable in some way... And this, this... This is different.
Different as night & day.
This man wants to be wanted by me...
He just doesn't want to be hurt.
And he's protecting his heart.
Just in case.
*I hope & pray it's "just in case"!! If I did something already, I want to know! And rectify it!!*
Thing is: He's said so.
He was honest & open about his feelings/actions.
And I am still reeling in shock to have "discovered" such a man.
That I could "fall for" even MORE in the "breaking up" than in the initial "getting to know you" phase!! Who knew?! *God, of course... ;) Who, when I expressed how much I LIKED this man, responded with, "I knew you would." What a hoot!! =)*
Now, I know I've expressed great love & impress-ment *LOL, whatever! =) It works for what I need right now. ;)* with each man I've ever "fallen for" or been married to, for that matter, AND ALL THAT TRUTH IS NOT NEGATED BY THE IMPROVEMENT OF EACH SUBSEQUENT MAN... Not a whit.
Real truth is:
Not only do I find more & more clear men, but IIIIIIIIIIIII become more & more clear!
More firmly entrenched in the truth of WHO I AM, so it's easier to attract men who are more into truth & honesty & expression, you know?
*Wish I'd known all this before marrying... Saved a lot of heartache... But... 'Tis what it IS... And I'll not look back with regret... Still wishin' him the best, though... Hopin' he comes to the same realizations, so he can let go of all his bitterness & blame...*
Oh, God, help me. *know you will ;)* I feel so strongly, yet simply & sweetly, that I just want to stick it out with this one.
I wanted to stick it out with the others, of course, but it was more a stubborn refusal to admit failure/acknowledge that love couldn't "conquer" everything RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE... You know? *of course you do ;)* OR something along the lines of: I "can't lose" ANOTHER one... Or I'll just shrivel up & die...
Not very healthy outlooks, I realize now.
*LOL, I'm hilARious! ;) I luv me!! =)*
I loved each one of them, very very very much, but there was a clingy/controlling aspect underlying my love that just doesn't produce the highest quality expression of PURE love that I was aiming for...
*funny... I think some of them tried to tell me that... ;)*
Oh, Father... I just don't ever want to HOLD ON to a man who doesn't want to be held... Ever again. Yet...
Sometimes...
Don't we need to be held?
Whether we think we do, or not??
I know I do.
Sometimes.
And so do my children.
Sometimes.
So...
Maybe...
Men do also??
Hmmmmmmmm....
This is a thought that deserves some pondering... At the very least.
Oh, Father, I love Thee!! =)
I feel better now.
Time to go take care o' business! ;)
Ciao!
In Jesus' name I found myself praying, as usual & quite gratefully, Amen.
16 March, 2011
Well. A Better Man, Indeed.
I will never ask for keeping a man who isn't thoroughly thrilled with me AGAIN!!
I'm floored.
How God works His magic is SO Beyond Me!! In such a beautiful way! =)
Such a short time-frame!! CanNOT even grasp how recently I wrote that last post & yet how LONG AGO that was! Hah!! Life! What a trip. =)
That song DID give me hope... Just enough to keep going...
Until I saw how much better it could be, & was able to make a choice.
Keep holding on to a man who doesn't want to be held??
OR actually move into the arms of one who's GLAD I'm there...
Hmmm, that's a tough one. ;)
What I've discovered:
Men will NOT learn how much I love them by me sticking around, in ridiculously un-ending patience, aiming to show them how marvelous they are & how good for them I am...
Cuz they would rather be right than loved.
And that's okay.
I'll leave them to it. ;)
And let one FIND ME that prefers love & passion OVER pride & control!!
Uh-huh. =)
That's right. ;)
GQTM...
And I finally FEEL the truth of that concept, though I been sayin' it for ages.
Hmmmmm... Feels Good... Verrrrrrry verrrrry verrry GOOD.
So.
On to the fun stuff:
Damn, baby, you is HOT!!
Never imagined, to be perfectly honest, that such a one would be as into me as you are...
Which is a li'l sad, now that I think of it, since I'm so fabulous. ;)
You'd think I would've dreamed up a hottie for myself!! LOL! ;)
But, no, I didn't care about such trivial things... Always looking deeper.
Besides the fact that, unfortunately this is a very new realization *Thank you for showing me!*, the fact that I was "prejudiced" against super-gorgeous men!! Thought y'all were "players"!
What a shock for me to discover, let me tell ya, as I "pride myself" on taking people as individuals & NOT making snap-judgments...
Oops.
I asked if you could forgive me, & I sure hope you continue to... ;)
Cuz I was oh, so very, very WRONG!!
Happily so!!
But still: SO VERY , VERY WRONG!!! =)))
Mm-M!! Darlin' you is Fiiiine AND honest AND clear AND intelligent AND all sorts of everything else!! =) You haven't disappointed me yet, not in a single moment.
Shocking for such a "playboy"!! ;)
Which, of course, doesn't mean much, since barely enough time at all has passed...
But STILL!!
What FUN you are!! =)
I feel more gorgeous than EVER &, I gotta say, I been feelin' gorgeous daily for quite some time now... So. Kudos to you. ;)
Helpin' me reach new heights of self-satisfaction, darlin'...
And I LIKE it. ;)
On a more serious note:
I realized this morning why I draw the sexually repressed, or worse, to me...
And it is a very sad, yet liberating, dawning of light to a very dark truth...
I.
Yes, I.
Have been incredibly... Sexually repressed.
Yep. =(
Being raped at the age of three sure fucks you up.
*Quite literally, hahahaha!!
Sorry, that was sick. GQTM... But damn funny... :p*
Anyway.
I really GOT it this morning.
So clearly.
I HAVE been sending "mixed messages"!!
With a major lack of trust "issue"!
How on earth did I not see it before??
I mean, I saw it years ago, but thought I'd dealt with it all...
Come to find out this a.m. that, no, in fact, there were still remnants of darkness blinding my sight, blocking my ability to see how IIIIIIIIIIIIIII was the reason those relationships "failed".
Damn.
Anyway, I got over it, got up & gettin' to my day, came to express myself, now gotta go to lunch with a dear friend, & AM PLEASED AS PUNCH WITH MY LIFE!! =)))
Ciao! ;)
I'm floored.
How God works His magic is SO Beyond Me!! In such a beautiful way! =)
Such a short time-frame!! CanNOT even grasp how recently I wrote that last post & yet how LONG AGO that was! Hah!! Life! What a trip. =)
That song DID give me hope... Just enough to keep going...
Until I saw how much better it could be, & was able to make a choice.
Keep holding on to a man who doesn't want to be held??
OR actually move into the arms of one who's GLAD I'm there...
Hmmm, that's a tough one. ;)
What I've discovered:
Men will NOT learn how much I love them by me sticking around, in ridiculously un-ending patience, aiming to show them how marvelous they are & how good for them I am...
Cuz they would rather be right than loved.
And that's okay.
I'll leave them to it. ;)
And let one FIND ME that prefers love & passion OVER pride & control!!
Uh-huh. =)
That's right. ;)
GQTM...
And I finally FEEL the truth of that concept, though I been sayin' it for ages.
Hmmmmm... Feels Good... Verrrrrrry verrrrry verrry GOOD.
So.
On to the fun stuff:
Damn, baby, you is HOT!!
Never imagined, to be perfectly honest, that such a one would be as into me as you are...
Which is a li'l sad, now that I think of it, since I'm so fabulous. ;)
You'd think I would've dreamed up a hottie for myself!! LOL! ;)
But, no, I didn't care about such trivial things... Always looking deeper.
Besides the fact that, unfortunately this is a very new realization *Thank you for showing me!*, the fact that I was "prejudiced" against super-gorgeous men!! Thought y'all were "players"!
What a shock for me to discover, let me tell ya, as I "pride myself" on taking people as individuals & NOT making snap-judgments...
Oops.
I asked if you could forgive me, & I sure hope you continue to... ;)
Cuz I was oh, so very, very WRONG!!
Happily so!!
But still: SO VERY , VERY WRONG!!! =)))
Mm-M!! Darlin' you is Fiiiine AND honest AND clear AND intelligent AND all sorts of everything else!! =) You haven't disappointed me yet, not in a single moment.
Shocking for such a "playboy"!! ;)
Which, of course, doesn't mean much, since barely enough time at all has passed...
But STILL!!
What FUN you are!! =)
I feel more gorgeous than EVER &, I gotta say, I been feelin' gorgeous daily for quite some time now... So. Kudos to you. ;)
Helpin' me reach new heights of self-satisfaction, darlin'...
And I LIKE it. ;)
On a more serious note:
I realized this morning why I draw the sexually repressed, or worse, to me...
And it is a very sad, yet liberating, dawning of light to a very dark truth...
I.
Yes, I.
Have been incredibly... Sexually repressed.
Yep. =(
Being raped at the age of three sure fucks you up.
*Quite literally, hahahaha!!
Sorry, that was sick. GQTM... But damn funny... :p*
Anyway.
I really GOT it this morning.
So clearly.
I HAVE been sending "mixed messages"!!
With a major lack of trust "issue"!
How on earth did I not see it before??
I mean, I saw it years ago, but thought I'd dealt with it all...
Come to find out this a.m. that, no, in fact, there were still remnants of darkness blinding my sight, blocking my ability to see how IIIIIIIIIIIIIII was the reason those relationships "failed".
Damn.
Anyway, I got over it, got up & gettin' to my day, came to express myself, now gotta go to lunch with a dear friend, & AM PLEASED AS PUNCH WITH MY LIFE!! =)))
Ciao! ;)
20 February, 2011
A Man BETTER Than This??
How can this be, I ask...
But I remember when I felt that way about my first husband.
Then the same about my second.
And over & over about half a dozen times since the two of them...
So I KNOW there IS a man "better" than this one. Somehow. Out there.
For me.
Still I wonder, HOW CAN THIS BE??!
Because he is THE BEST I've ever known.
By far.
Which in no way lessens the others...
*Which none of them have ever grasped, but whatever.*
IT JUST MEANS THEY KEEP GETTING BETTER & BETTER!!
Not that the others are any less.
*Doesn't that make sense? It's so simple to me...*
Oh, heavens... I just don't know what to do.
He's so marvelous, but...
K.
Something weird just happened.
I wrote a few sentences *about him not wanting me/to be with me* & then all of a sudden they disappeared & this song was playing *Fall For You, by Secondhand Serenade* that I've never heard before... And I felt it touch me, somehow, & it MATTERED... Like, it wanted me to listen to it!
So, I did. =)
Of course.
And, since I don't believe in coincidences, it somehow breathed fresh hope into my lungs, & I think I may not need to find that next man, that "better" man.
I'm so sick of that, btw, finding the next best thing, which is always better, but not for any reason that they think.
It's ONLY cuz the last best thing CHOSE NOT TO BE THE ONE.
Period.
Not for any other reason.
And it's soooooo sad to me.
Over & over & over again.
They choose NOT TO BE THE ONE & I beg & plead & do my best to convince & help them see HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM, but no. Oh, no. They'll have none of it.
Or they want a better woman.
Good luck.
GQTM, no offense to all the other women out there, but really?
Better than ME?
Not possible.
Not because they're any less than I, either, but because I am the ONLY ME & I am the best.
Period.
Only thing makes them any better than I is IF the man chooses to see more good in them than he was willing to in me.
Really. That's the way it works.
And I'm so tired of knowing all these amazing secrets of the universal way relationships work & continuing to be the "lesson learned" in their lives.
I want one to LAST.
Oh, dear God, help me here.
I'm so tired, so very tired.
And more than just cuz I haven't slept a wink all night.
More than just cuz I've been in extreme pain.
More than cuz he was in pain & I could do nothing to ease it.
More than any reason I can come up with.
So very tired.
So please bless me now, Father...
And let me listen to the song again & keep the hope of it's message...
Somehow.
And bless it to become some funky-cool prophecy, please.
Please??
I love Thee & him & I ache to please Thee both AND get what I KNOW will bring me ultimate happiness, Father... That's all I'm asking... A man who loves everything about me & will choose to stay with me forever, that's not too much to ask is it?? LOL, of course it is...n't! ;)
Love Thee, Father,
In Jesus' name I Thank Thee,
No Matter What,
Amen.
12 January, 2011
Okay, Fine.
Went to class. Nearly fell asleep 4,ooo times. Ate a Crisp Juan Burrito.
Now feel like spilling the truth:
I can see a real possibility here. More than usual.
The dude's TOGETHER. Really.
Like...
More than any other. By far.
Which is cool...
And kinda terrifying.
I didn't realize I had this pattern of fallin' for guys it woulda been a real challenge to be with, for whatever reasons, & that I used that *subconsciously, of course* as a "block" for it to ever really pan out.
O'course, I couldn't've really grasped this, until now, cuz I was also using my "technical divorce-in-progress" as a shield... Dang. When the truth wants to get your attention, it sure knocks loudly, eh?
Okay, so.
What does all this mean?
I have no idea.
BUT...
It COULD mean that I better get my tush in gear for the acceptance of the moving on of my life, into some sort of wonderful.
Cuz I need to follow his lead, is how I figure it, & if he's wanting, well...
I'm willing.
In more than some ethereal sense of the word.
He REALLY impresses me.
And more.
And he fetching wants 5 more kids!!
A ridiculously accurate resurrection of an old, dead dream of mine.
Okay.
Here we go:
I want all that good stuff.
I do.
I want the husband & the temple marriage & the cuddling & the glorious sex & the fun & the scripture study & the church going & the simplicity & the work & the joy & the talking & the listening & the knowing that someone's there & the trust & the tenderness & the music & the dreams & the goals & the connectedness & the support & the laughter & the food & the EXPERIENCE OF IT ALL!!!
Yep. I admit it.
I do.
Want.
That.
And, to be honest, there's been a bazillion guys lately, old & new & in-between, all good, all wanting me, to whatever degree, & I've been a bit overwhelmed & far too, hmmm, stimulated for my own good, but none of them...
Let's repeat that, shall we?
NONE OF THEM...
Have seemed READY to truly want me AND be able to "handle" me.
He makes it seem effortless.
Maybe it was/is. I don't know.
I'll ask him sometime. ;)
I hope I get the opportunity.
And there we dip back into my fear.
The very reason I wrote the previous post.
Heavens, I feel this... Angst.
Appropriate, I know. ;)
No, but seriously. He's like so so so good.
And so so so marvelously fun! =)
And TOGETHER. Shee-it. He's legitimate.
A REAL Man.
MAN, I tell you!! Like I deserve THAT! Hah!
Thought I did, thought I wanted it, still do, but...
All the garbage my ex-husband's said is now ringin' through my head...
How pathetic I am. What a mess. Ugh.
I know he's full of stinky stuff, but dude.
I cannot comprehend this MAN really, truly stickin' it out with me.
Like, I feel like a hassle already.
Not that I've done anything, but my body's done bearing children & I have a ton of debt & I feel like this little girl compared to him.
Well, not when I'm WITH him... ;)
Just when I'm doubting & fearing & being a real goober over such a joyful thing as even meeting him. Oh, man, I'm so gone already.
Fastest I've ever fallen.
With the least amount of interaction, even.
Sheist.
Funny thing is:
1) He knows all the main, messy details already & hasn't turned away.
2) I don't feel resistant the way I usually do. Like, 2%, comparatively.
3) I won't think he's an idiot if he doesn't choose me. *Odd.*
And I want to know sooner rather than later, but I'm being chill with the pace he's opting for. =) O'course, he's communicating with me daily... So that could be helping. ;)
Ach, heaven help me! I really, really, really, like him.
A lot.
You have no idea.
It's all calm & peaceful, with perfect hints of passion, with him.
I feel good & safe & calm & simple.
Which is a REALLY BIG deal. Really Big!!
Don't know what any of this means.... He could be another "stepping stone/lesson learned", I don't know. I'm cool with that, I guess, not really, but gotta respect him, y'know? If he doesn't want me I'M GONNA LISTEN THIS TIME!! Man, I was so bull-headed, before.
So bull-headed & thick-skulled.
That's me! ;)
K, well, I got more to say, but I'm soooooo tired & I think I'll go take a li'l nap before the Martin Luther King Jr. thingamabob in a bit...
All I know is this:
I love Heavenly Father so very much, & I feel that I've been blessed significantly with him dancin' into my life... And I'll be grateful now, instead of doubtful... I'll just relax into this fact:
I really, really, really like him.
=)))
Hope any of y'all are RELAXin' INTO YOUR BLESSINGS,
Angelina
Now feel like spilling the truth:
I can see a real possibility here. More than usual.
The dude's TOGETHER. Really.
Like...
More than any other. By far.
Which is cool...
And kinda terrifying.
I didn't realize I had this pattern of fallin' for guys it woulda been a real challenge to be with, for whatever reasons, & that I used that *subconsciously, of course* as a "block" for it to ever really pan out.
O'course, I couldn't've really grasped this, until now, cuz I was also using my "technical divorce-in-progress" as a shield... Dang. When the truth wants to get your attention, it sure knocks loudly, eh?
Okay, so.
What does all this mean?
I have no idea.
BUT...
It COULD mean that I better get my tush in gear for the acceptance of the moving on of my life, into some sort of wonderful.
Cuz I need to follow his lead, is how I figure it, & if he's wanting, well...
I'm willing.
In more than some ethereal sense of the word.
He REALLY impresses me.
And more.
And he fetching wants 5 more kids!!
A ridiculously accurate resurrection of an old, dead dream of mine.
Okay.
Here we go:
I want all that good stuff.
I do.
I want the husband & the temple marriage & the cuddling & the glorious sex & the fun & the scripture study & the church going & the simplicity & the work & the joy & the talking & the listening & the knowing that someone's there & the trust & the tenderness & the music & the dreams & the goals & the connectedness & the support & the laughter & the food & the EXPERIENCE OF IT ALL!!!
Yep. I admit it.
I do.
Want.
That.
And, to be honest, there's been a bazillion guys lately, old & new & in-between, all good, all wanting me, to whatever degree, & I've been a bit overwhelmed & far too, hmmm, stimulated for my own good, but none of them...
Let's repeat that, shall we?
NONE OF THEM...
Have seemed READY to truly want me AND be able to "handle" me.
He makes it seem effortless.
Maybe it was/is. I don't know.
I'll ask him sometime. ;)
I hope I get the opportunity.
And there we dip back into my fear.
The very reason I wrote the previous post.
Heavens, I feel this... Angst.
Appropriate, I know. ;)
No, but seriously. He's like so so so good.
And so so so marvelously fun! =)
And TOGETHER. Shee-it. He's legitimate.
A REAL Man.
MAN, I tell you!! Like I deserve THAT! Hah!
Thought I did, thought I wanted it, still do, but...
All the garbage my ex-husband's said is now ringin' through my head...
How pathetic I am. What a mess. Ugh.
I know he's full of stinky stuff, but dude.
I cannot comprehend this MAN really, truly stickin' it out with me.
Like, I feel like a hassle already.
Not that I've done anything, but my body's done bearing children & I have a ton of debt & I feel like this little girl compared to him.
Well, not when I'm WITH him... ;)
Just when I'm doubting & fearing & being a real goober over such a joyful thing as even meeting him. Oh, man, I'm so gone already.
Fastest I've ever fallen.
With the least amount of interaction, even.
Sheist.
Funny thing is:
1) He knows all the main, messy details already & hasn't turned away.
2) I don't feel resistant the way I usually do. Like, 2%, comparatively.
3) I won't think he's an idiot if he doesn't choose me. *Odd.*
And I want to know sooner rather than later, but I'm being chill with the pace he's opting for. =) O'course, he's communicating with me daily... So that could be helping. ;)
Ach, heaven help me! I really, really, really, like him.
A lot.
You have no idea.
It's all calm & peaceful, with perfect hints of passion, with him.
I feel good & safe & calm & simple.
Which is a REALLY BIG deal. Really Big!!
Don't know what any of this means.... He could be another "stepping stone/lesson learned", I don't know. I'm cool with that, I guess, not really, but gotta respect him, y'know? If he doesn't want me I'M GONNA LISTEN THIS TIME!! Man, I was so bull-headed, before.
So bull-headed & thick-skulled.
That's me! ;)
K, well, I got more to say, but I'm soooooo tired & I think I'll go take a li'l nap before the Martin Luther King Jr. thingamabob in a bit...
All I know is this:
I love Heavenly Father so very much, & I feel that I've been blessed significantly with him dancin' into my life... And I'll be grateful now, instead of doubtful... I'll just relax into this fact:
I really, really, really like him.
=)))
Hope any of y'all are RELAXin' INTO YOUR BLESSINGS,
Angelina
New Year, New Choices.
I am so cranky today.
Or maybe it's just upset or frustrated, I'm not sure.
This new year has been so awesome & intense...
I swear I've already experienced 2 months, not just 2 weeks!!
Thing is: I've really nothin' to be upset over, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I've things to be cranky over, that can't be helped at this point in time, but the upset that's goin' on is completely perplexing to me.
WHAT. IS. MY. DEAL?
I feel like a 2 yr old...
Want what I want when I want it.
And, right now? Want to KNOW.
KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW.
And want to cuss & scream & kick & SOMETHIN'... I don't know...
Just FREAK OUT, I guess.
I feel all this stuff shifting, don't ask me what, I'm not fully sure, & I KNOW my life's on the cusp of this incredible change, that's been long in coming, but I don't know the details & I feel this FEAR, yet I know there's NO REASON to be afraid.
Ugh.
LOATHE THIS feeling!! Just want to be held.
No one to do it.
Or, rather, no one close enough that I would feel safe & comfy enough to let hug me, not while in this fragile emotional state.
Aaaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh!
Pictures of the past haunt me, & I know I'll see my babies this weekend, but...
Just doesn't seem ENOUGH!
And then I feel like a heel, for God has been so GOOD to me, dumping out the blessings, lately, even more than I've ever noticed before, & I've always noticed a significant amount of help from Him comin' my way... SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??
Damn.
I love everyone & I love myself & I love God & Christ...
What's this self-destruction temper-tantrum garbage I've suddenly got goin' on?!
I AM grateful.
I AM hoping.
I AM counting my blessings.
I AM whatever else...
I can't even THINK, honestly, I'm so sleep-deprived.
I'm all emotion & it's not the worst I've ever felt, but it's not the best, & I've a class in ten minutes & I'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP!!!
Okay, here it is:
The main thought coming to me:
Is he for real?
Am I delusional?
Did I create all the details in a sleep-deprived funk, so I could handle all the past junk, & get through the night?
He said he wanted me to be sure I spent time with him well-rested SO I WOULD KNOW WHETHER I LIKED HIM FOR REAL & I reassured him that that wasn't as issue, yet now it's all the devil's got... To try & get me to disbelieve in the dude's sincerity/reality.
And I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna be a freak-out queen...
But the urge is strong.
He is sooo good.
And I felt safe & comfortable.
He goes to the temple once a week.
And I want that.
He kept his word.
And I was impressed, but now am terrified.
I need to chill.
But feel so...
So...
I don't know.
Like, I WANT to PUSH him AWAY.
How screwed up is that?
Like I WANT to see if he's a pansy that'll tuck his tail between his legs & scuttle off, the way I feel others have.
Though, if I'm honest with myself, I did JUST REALIZE LAST NIGHT, through an old & dear friend, that the men in my life haven't been as pansy-assed as I previously thought...
I really am pretty darn intense AND hard to resist AND they can't think straight around me. SO they do things that looked pansy-ass-ish to ME, but REALLY... They weren't so weak.
Oh, dear God, I gotta go to class. All I wanna do is rant & rave & resolve all this whatever-it-is right here & now, over blog... But I'm gonna go to class, instead. Please, dear Father, help me. Bless me to release this unnecessary intensity & doubt. Please bless me NOT to do anything stupid, if at all beyond-humanly-since-I-AM-asking-Thee-for-help-possible, & protect me from my own completely irrational emotions. Thank Thee, Father, for ALL, & I'm sorry I don't feel head-over-heels-grateful right now... In Jesus' name, Amen.
Or maybe it's just upset or frustrated, I'm not sure.
This new year has been so awesome & intense...
I swear I've already experienced 2 months, not just 2 weeks!!
Thing is: I've really nothin' to be upset over, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I've things to be cranky over, that can't be helped at this point in time, but the upset that's goin' on is completely perplexing to me.
WHAT. IS. MY. DEAL?
I feel like a 2 yr old...
Want what I want when I want it.
And, right now? Want to KNOW.
KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW.
And want to cuss & scream & kick & SOMETHIN'... I don't know...
Just FREAK OUT, I guess.
I feel all this stuff shifting, don't ask me what, I'm not fully sure, & I KNOW my life's on the cusp of this incredible change, that's been long in coming, but I don't know the details & I feel this FEAR, yet I know there's NO REASON to be afraid.
Ugh.
LOATHE THIS feeling!! Just want to be held.
No one to do it.
Or, rather, no one close enough that I would feel safe & comfy enough to let hug me, not while in this fragile emotional state.
Aaaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh!
Pictures of the past haunt me, & I know I'll see my babies this weekend, but...
Just doesn't seem ENOUGH!
And then I feel like a heel, for God has been so GOOD to me, dumping out the blessings, lately, even more than I've ever noticed before, & I've always noticed a significant amount of help from Him comin' my way... SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??
Damn.
I love everyone & I love myself & I love God & Christ...
What's this self-destruction temper-tantrum garbage I've suddenly got goin' on?!
I AM grateful.
I AM hoping.
I AM counting my blessings.
I AM whatever else...
I can't even THINK, honestly, I'm so sleep-deprived.
I'm all emotion & it's not the worst I've ever felt, but it's not the best, & I've a class in ten minutes & I'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP!!!
Okay, here it is:
The main thought coming to me:
Is he for real?
Am I delusional?
Did I create all the details in a sleep-deprived funk, so I could handle all the past junk, & get through the night?
He said he wanted me to be sure I spent time with him well-rested SO I WOULD KNOW WHETHER I LIKED HIM FOR REAL & I reassured him that that wasn't as issue, yet now it's all the devil's got... To try & get me to disbelieve in the dude's sincerity/reality.
And I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna be a freak-out queen...
But the urge is strong.
He is sooo good.
And I felt safe & comfortable.
He goes to the temple once a week.
And I want that.
He kept his word.
And I was impressed, but now am terrified.
I need to chill.
But feel so...
So...
I don't know.
Like, I WANT to PUSH him AWAY.
How screwed up is that?
Like I WANT to see if he's a pansy that'll tuck his tail between his legs & scuttle off, the way I feel others have.
Though, if I'm honest with myself, I did JUST REALIZE LAST NIGHT, through an old & dear friend, that the men in my life haven't been as pansy-assed as I previously thought...
I really am pretty darn intense AND hard to resist AND they can't think straight around me. SO they do things that looked pansy-ass-ish to ME, but REALLY... They weren't so weak.
Oh, dear God, I gotta go to class. All I wanna do is rant & rave & resolve all this whatever-it-is right here & now, over blog... But I'm gonna go to class, instead. Please, dear Father, help me. Bless me to release this unnecessary intensity & doubt. Please bless me NOT to do anything stupid, if at all beyond-humanly-since-I-AM-asking-Thee-for-help-possible, & protect me from my own completely irrational emotions. Thank Thee, Father, for ALL, & I'm sorry I don't feel head-over-heels-grateful right now... In Jesus' name, Amen.
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