Not really, actually, but it still feels that way...
Enough for me to put it in the title, at least, eh? ;)
I feel very intrigued by myself, lately, is what it is, I suppose.
And when one is intrigued by the thoughts, feelings, & actions of their very selves... Well... It indicates that one does not know themselves as well as they thought. Hence: The Enigma Title. ;)
Anyway...
Every single day is an adventure now.
And I like it. =)
But it's also quite challenging to keep up with myself.
To be perfectly candid...
I learn something new about myself each & every day, skipping along within the adventures life's been bringing!
Which is great, don't get me wrong, I LOVE learning about myself.
It's just... I admit to having thought I already knew.
And quite well, in fact.
So it's disconcerting.
To say the least.
And, sometimes...
Just every once in a while...
I miss the "old me".
Predictable.
More conventional.
Known.
But then I get over it. =)))
I AM LOVING LIFE MORE THAN I EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE!!!
I Do Not Miss the way I used to drag out of bed each day.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to feel helpless & powerless.
I Do Not Miss the way I used to FORCE myself to put a positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how thoroughly CRAPPY it was.
*Funny thing about that last one: I now SEE the positive spin on EVERYTHING, no matter how crappy it is, BECAUSE I stopped spinning it!!! Who Knew??!*
Anyway...
Today I went to a monastery.
In Utah.
*Had no idea we had monks in Utah! =)*
It was peaceful & serene, no doubt.
I was lovin' it.
*Secret, that's probably not that big a secret to many: I used to ache for that type of lifestyle SOOO bad. I longed to SEPARATE myself from ALL people & live a VERY SIMPLE life... GET AS FAR OUT & AWAY FROM THIS STUPID WORLD AS POSSIBLE!*
Oh, how grateful I am that I was steered in a different direction.
I LOVE PEOPLE!!!
I LOVE THIS STUPID, WONDERFUL WORLD!!!
& I LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT!!!
With all their crazy ways. =)))
What a miracle of transformation that's occurred within!
I WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE & LIVE IN THIS STINKIN', MARVELOUS WORLD!!!
I no longer ache to "cease to exist"...
I no longer long for death, or a coma, or SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get me AWAY...
I no longer suffer through each painful experience wondering how long this will last & why does it seem to gravitate towards me like a magnet...
I ACCEPT MY LIFE AS IT IS! =)
What a concept. ;)
A concept that was completely foreign to me Not That Long Ago. =)))
So.
The Monks...
Were hauntingly beautiful...
As they chanted...
And yet incredibly sad...
To me.
Because, you see, they were so weighed down... As if they carried the weight of the world on their shoulders... As if they were weighed down by Christ's Love, not lifted up by it.
And I thought that was sad.
Especially when they sang, "Hear Us, Oh, Lord..." & I KNEW HE DID, but they din't seem to grasp the message that GOD IS LISTENING...
& LOVING THEM IN EVERY MOMENT!!
So, it was beautiful, their chanting...
But void of joy & peace...
Which made it sad, to my view.
Plus.
*Here's the real irony:*
They read the verse about loving our neighbors as ourselves...
And paused for a time, so we could all reflect...
*Hah! LOL!!! It struck me as Hilariously Ironic!!! =)))
Mostly cuz I soooooooooooooooooooooo used to want to separate myself, just as they have, so I UNDERSTAND what they've DONE! =)*
EASIER TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR...
WHEN THERE ARE NONE.
Yeah, I got a REAL glimpse into my previous life/desires in that moment.
Let me tell YOU! ;0
I LOVE MONKS!!!
What a gift in contrast they provide!
I just wanted to hug them all!!
*But...
I held myself back... ;)*
LOL, I love life & all it's lessons & surprises & possibilities for transformation & new direction!! What a gift it all is. =) And how grateful I am that I'm soakin' it up NOW, in the midst of my junk, instead of waiting for SOMEDAY when it all seems BETTER SOMEHOW!!! =)))
That day will never come.
This is my life.
It'll always have "problems".
It'll always have pain.
It'll always have tired & hungry & cold & Not Getting What I Want.
It's life.
And that's alright. =)
Cuz it also always has "solutions".
Also always has joy & peace & pleasure available.
Always has rest & being filled & warm & Getting What I Want
...At Some Point! ;)
It's life.
And that's alright.
By me. =)
*Whoever "ME" may be! LOL, as I've discovered I'm both MORE MYSELF than I've ever been, yet LESS KNOWN than ever!!!*
Love You All, Whether You Know It & Feel It, Or Not,
Praying We All Recognize The Gift That We Have & That We ARE,
Angelina
