Really... I do.
There's a Freedom in knowing that y'all never/rarely check this blog anymore...
Have discovered that I do NOT enjoy "expectations" one whit.
Been clearing my life of people's expectations lately, & finding a freedom of expression I've never experienced before. =)
So, now that I've realized this... Here goes nothin'...
I'm cranky & resigned in the area of love.
Who knew? Used to get so frustrated with my hubby, cuz he didn't fully believe that I loved him... Have now discovered:
I never fully believed him, either.
Quite shocking, really, as I am so faith-filled & loving.
Had no idea I'd buried layers of resignation & cynicism beneath *faaarr beneath* the surface. To discover this within myself has been disturbing, to say the least.
Fell in love recently...
Intoxicating & Inspiring...
Filled with Fun & Freedom...
Magnificence & Magnetism...
Completely Smitten... Like NEVER before.
Softly & Safely... *Did I mention, LIKE NEVER BEFORE??*
And I didn't really recognize it, &/or know what to do with it, so I didn't really allow it to just be what it was.
Cuz of layers of resignation & cynicism... Buried deep...
Though rising to the surface, for sure.
Here I've been, for so long:
"I love EVERYBODY, soooo much... All the SAME... 'Super-Christ-like'... Cuz EVERYONE's so marvelous!!!"
*Not negating the power & truth in my love, nor the validity of each person's innate marvelousness... Just sayin': Have realized some foolishness on my part, is all.*
Truth is:
I DO love some "more" than others.
I DO find a "different" kind of love within different relationships.
And I've been too terrified to admit that.
Cuz it HURTS when it's not returned in similar fashion, does it not??
My poor ex-husband.
No Wonder he DIDN'T FEEL loved by ME, the Goddess of all things Loving...
I didn't "let him in"... I loved "everybody sooo much"!!! Including him, OF COURSE!! But... Was he really unique to me? Besides having children with him?? No.
At least, not so I would admit it, if it was there anywhere.
*Not even sure, to this day, whether there was ever anything more than physical attraction & friendship...* Super-sad, eh?
I am soooooooooooooo Human.
*LOL, only took me 30 years to figure it out!!! ;)*
Anyway, enough of that. He & I have both chosen this. It's all good between us, & we're safely charting out our co-parenting course. Learning to respect each other better than ever. =)
I express NOT Regret... Simply a "WOW... Really? I DID that?? Had no idea!!" kind of a thing.
Moving on/back toward my recent experience & realizations again...
Never met a man like this before.
I could go on for days, to be perfectly honest.
I could talk about his character qualities for... Ever.
But I won't.
Not in the mood for full-disclosure.
*Would rather bask in his presence. But I guess I'm not in the mood for that either, eh? Or I'd be doing something besides expressing myself, through words, in this Beautiful Library...*
*Something to Think about.*
Have met so many men lately...
They're comin' out of the woodwork!! ;)
And ALL have had qualities that would allow for me to enjoy spending time with them, & getting to know them better...
But there's ONE... Who's different... And I recognize that... Now.
And I don't know what to do about it.
That recognition.
*WHAT DOES ONE DO??? DO, DO, DO??! When they realize they're madly, deeply, ridiculously in love with someone? I mean, honestly?!! I HAVEN'T A CLUE. The last couple of times I THOUGHT I was... I don't think I went about it Quite Intelligently... Cuz the results I got were sucky, destroyed marriages... You know? Ach, Maybe I'm closer to the FULL-DISCLOSURE arena than I'd realized! ;) Ugh.*
So...
I've been treating him the same as all the rest.
And talking about him no differently than I ever have, talked about any man. OR NOT talking about him the same as I always have, talked about any man. Either way. It amounts to the same thing:
*I'M BEING the SAME as "always"... Coming into a realization that I WANT things to be DIFFERENT... And HOPING for DIFFERENT Results... Yet... BEING the SAME as I've "always" BEEN.*
And what have we learned to call that?
Yep. Crazy.
***Hey Someone text' me that the other day!!! LOL, he was RIGHT!!!! =) LOL, Hilarious!!! Oh, Laws, that is Too-Too IRONIC. =) Not that that was what he was referring to, but STILL! To have it be proven correct within 48 hrs. BY MY OWN ADMISSION... That's freakin' awesome.***
K... So... WHAT Am I Learning Here?? Through this magnificent medium of self-expression??
**WHEN YOU, whoever you are, DO, eventually, READ THIS...
If I'm not making sense... Just shrug & love me anyway, K? Thanks.
I'm finally making sense to MYSELF, & that's all that matters to me, at this point. Your comprehension of "ME" is, though I DO love you so, not really essential in my life anymore! =)**
Ach, I don't know...
Love Sucks.
Is it even "LOVE"?
I don't have a freakin' clue.
It's got similar enough markers... I'm sure of that, at least.
But it IS sooooo different than any other experience I've ever had...
And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel soooooooooooo different from any other time I've experienced MYSELF!!!
I don't even know if it's "LOVE" or not.
It's SOMETHING.
That's for damn sure.
Darn.
Whatever.
I hate this.
This "not knowing" place.
Been here before... In Life... ;)
And I always hate it.
Loathe, Detest, & Despise.
**Yeah, yeah, I know... I feel some of you thinking, "It Is what it Is, Ang... Just Accept it..." And my response is: "What do you think I'm tryin' to DO here, Bucko?? Express, so as to acknowledge, then accept & allow it/me to BE... So, relax yo'self!!! And release me to my own perfection, in processing through this MY OWN WAY. Trust in my ability to get'er DONE... No matter how many flippety-jibbet words it takes, plus intensity. Capisci??!"
Nothin' personal, of course! ;) XOXO!!!**
So.
I'm not particularly in the mood to BE "CRAZY"...
And, as we have recently defined "CRAZY" as "doing the same thing over & over again, expecting different results"...
It's time I chose another way of going about this whole "falling in love" thing, right?
I thought so. ;)
Now.
I admit to an attachment toward the outcome regarding this particular man...
*That's the same as the past.*
I admit to my "hope" being cuddled up with "expectation" a bit too snuggly...
*The fact that it IS is the same as the past. That I recognize it: Different.*
I also admit to being MORE attached to the hope, outcome, & whatever THAN EVER BEFORE... *****Which scares the kajeebies outta me. Cuz I've been a pretty intense & passionate person, regarding similar matters (okay, okay, in nearly EVERYTHING), in the past... And thought I'd gone through THE MOST "desired" "relationship" EVER... Already!!! Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!!! To be experiencing THIS is NOT something I EVER ANTICIPATED. But I CANNOT deny what I'm feeling. (Been tryin' to... Hasn't worked out so well for me...) Ugh. Loathe this.*****
K, so. Focus, Ang... Focus.
*Same old attachment; Different degree.*
Hmmm... And what do we get from all this??
In order to TRULY ACT/BE DIFFERENT (hence, NOT "crazy"), so as to obtain DIFFERENT RESULTS...
I must...
Choose...
To...
WHAT???!!!
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! *ACH, did I mention I HATE This??*
Ugly, stupid, S.O.B. called Love!
What the heck kind of bullcrap is it, anyway?
Just tears people apart when they can't figure it out.
Cuz we keep tryin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep hopin'...
Like idiots.
And we keep fallin'...
Like idiots.
Over & over & over again!!!
Oh, when will it end???
I'm not sure, but I believe, it can stop right here... With me.
Again, Not sure how, but I think it's true... It can stop right here... With you.
Cuz we keep tryin'
Regardless.
And we keep hopin'
Regardless.
And we keep fallin'
Regardless.
And we keep gettin' up.
Regardless.
Over & over & over again!!!
Because LOVE never ends!!!
I am sure now... I believe... It can go on forever... With me.
Still I don't know how... But now I know it's true... It can go on forever... With you.
Cuz I'll keep tryin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep hopin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep gettin' up
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In brilliance.
And I'll keep fallin'
In love with you...
Over & over & over again!
Cuz my love never ends!
The more I sing, the more I believe, it can & will go on forever... With me.
Doesn't even matter how, I just know it's true... it can & will go on forever... With you.
Okay, well. That was unanticipated. =) Rock ON! I LOVE expressing myself!!!
Getting songs out of it is KICK-TUSHIE!-out-of-this-world-AWESOME!
K, re-focus, Ang...
Ummm, I think I was realizing what I needed to DO Differently, in order to NOT be "crazy" AND, to get Different results...
Um... Express myself, then LET IT GO...
Faster than ever before.
Like Lightning! ;)
LOL, Grease Lightning!!! ;)
Oh, oh! AND...
NOT always TO the one I'm fabulously, ridiculously in love with!!! =)))
AND...
NOT always TO EVERYONE on the planet!!!
**This blog NOT being in that category, though it may seem as such...
For the following reasons:
A) Nobody's been reading it for a while, & probably won't read it again for some time.
B) I'm not going to share that I've posted anything. =) AND
C) I've given nary a clue as to who he is!
HAH! I LOVE being both MORE & LESS open, ALL at ONCE!!! ;)**
Oh, oh, oh!!! AND...
NOT always in great detail, as previously mentioned, rehashing every nuance & possible outcome.
FABULOUS!!! *Welcome to the inner workings of my mind! ;)*
*Not to mention the way the songs flow out of me, at times... That was practically perfect from the get-go!!! WOOHOO!!! =)*
Gotta go! ;)
Song to record, food to eat, life to live!!!
Praying y'all are comin' into your own powers of self-expression, whatever glorious form they take,
Angelina
