Dear God Above, Why?
Today was such a beautiful day...
And I ALWAYS end my nights well now... How can it be that I've turned into such a pathetic, pain-filled plop??
And so soon after such satisfaction?
Ach, & I'm waxing poetic... Disgusting the drama that is me tonight.
OH, help.
My back & neck ache beyond anything I've experienced in some time.
My body longs to be held & comforted.
My car is parked & I cannot escape within a wind-filled drive.
*I know it's only parked 'til I get the dang license reinstated, which will probably be tomorrow, but still!! I'M LIVING IN THE NOW, HERE, GOD, HELP ME NNNOOOWWW!!!*
And, of course, I could go on with all the things torturing me, at this current snippet of time, but Thou dost know it all already...
So there's no point.
*I'm too tired to spell it all out, JUST GIVE ME RELIEF...*
I can barely think.
I hurt so bad.
I want it all fixed.
And I know Thou art working on it, I do.
But I'm cranky & in the midst of my cycle & lonely & on & on & on...
And I don't know what to do.
It's like, I know there's an answer, that Thou hast already given me, but which one is it??
Read my scriptures?
Or take a bath...
Get on my knees to pray?
*Instead of sitting in this crappy chair, with my fingers glued to the keyboard for hours, seeking some elusive comfort from long-distance friends &/or peace through expressing myself via blog? Problem being, of course, that I'm so tired & in so much pain that I REALLY DO feel GLUED to this chair & keyboard!!! I'm sure giving up in exhaustion, & crawling -literally- to my equally crappy board of a bed, is just around the corner, but it hasn't occurred yet, & I'm somehow still here... Not sure why, really. Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!*
Or take an F-ing Ibuprofen...
Force myself to bawl & sob & gnash my teeth?
Or stuff my face with much-needed food...
Call my mother?
Or hmmm...
That might be it.
It did give me pause, as none of the others did...
So, what.
Finish up expressing here & call my mother in the middle of the night?
Couldn't you have gotten that suggestion through to me without all the crap I just went through on Facebook & here???
Is all this outpouring of pain & piss & vinegar REALLY necessary??
Thou knowest I don't like everyone knowing my inner, inner stuff! Ach, but I can feel it already... I won't delete this.
Sheist.
Come on.
Not cool, Father, not cool.
I look crazy enough as it is, don'tcha know. ;)
Whatever. This is me trustin' & all that garbage we've been practicin' for so long... So I'll follow ya.
*Except I think YOU'RE the crazy one now!! Mom said ingenious last night... And I immediately thought, "Mad Genius is more like it!" but you know that already, Mr. Reader of Thoughts...*
God, I hurt.
Can you please make it go away?
Do I honestly have to ACCEPT every F-ing thing BEFORE I can get out of it??!!!
I am so sick of this shit.
I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & I hurt, & it's never ended.
In THIRTY YEARS it's NEVER ENDED!!!
Oh, Thou hast allowed a breath of relief here & there, I know.
*I've praised you & praised you for every flippin' respite & YOU KNOW IT, so don't get all up in my face about gratitude right now.*
I AM GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I'm ALSO hurting so bad I could die IN THIS MOMENT, & I DON'T F-ing KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I know THOU KNOWEST...
So, tell me already, in a way my brain can absorb, cuz Thou knowest how freakin' lame my brain's been lately, with lack of retention & all that...
CONSEQUENCES OF LAYIN' OUT A LIFE OF ALMOST PURE SURVIVAL FOR THIRTY F-ing YEARS, GOD! A LIFE OF PAIN & ABANDONMENT, BEIN' FORCED & SMOTHERED, CHOKED & STARVED, MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING, & Aaaauuuggghhhh! I seriously can't DO this anymore...
And I know it's not your fault.
Sheist.
And I know you'll turn it all to good.
Flippety-jibbet.
*That is SOOOOO NOT what describes this feeling I'm having!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hate monitoring my language here, God, can you just teach all my mormon friends that you speak ALL languages, sooner rather than later, so I can feel a li'l free-er... It's beginnin' to cramp my style, this lack of awareness of their part... Or maybe it's just ME that's crampin' my style... By continuing to try & protect everyone from my "nastiest" sides... Even when I KNOW that THOU DOST LOVE ME IN EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER WHAT WORDS ARE COMIN' FROM MY MOUTH, NO MATTER HOW F-ing ANGRY I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ach, whatever, I'll think about it later, K? SINCE IT'LL OBVIOUSLY BE POSTED FOR ME TO READ ANY DAMN TIME I WANT TO!!! Ugh. Whatever Again. Too Tired to pissin' care what anybody thinks anymore, just glad to know you do, regardless... OH, Father, I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Physically, these ribs OR WHATEVER's kickin' my trash.
Emotionally, I may die from loneliness any moment now, it's been so long I've FELT TANGIBLE LOVE.
Mentally, I am way too brain-dead to describe that aspect, but whatever, Thou dost already know it better than I anyway.
Spiritually, well, I don't think I'm in any pain that way... Am I?
Shit.
Figures.
Whatever, we both know that doesn't change anything. I'm still standing where I've always stood. Just cuz they've closed that door to me doesn't change anything, really.
But, yes, you're right... It Fuckin' hurts like Hell.
I HATE IT WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So down & dark & yet knowing the light's right there... AND I KNOW IT & ALMOST SEE IT, but I can't FEEL it, so it doesn't mean jacksquat.
And, of course, simultaneously, are all the scriptures & answers to prayers & years of practice in faith & blessings & on & on & on, swirling around in my head, trying to take root, aiming to grab hold of my body & lift it high enough to see out & away from MY OWN SHADOW!!!
But I can't DO ANYTHING about it right now, FATHER!!! Except sit here & type feverishly away at this blasted keyboard, continuing to seek ignorance from the depths of the pain & loneliness & despair & exhaustion I feel!!!!!!!!
And wonder WHY?
HOW?
WHY, how, why, how, why, how,how,how,how,how will you turn it all to good?
I know you will, you always do, but HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?
I'm so sick of being stuck here.
so sick
great, now the tears fall.
I don't understand the essence of necessity in SUCH DEPTHS of PPPPAAAAAIINN...
I don't.
I know I will.
Any minute, hour, day, now... You'll illuminate the situation for me...
As always.
But RIGHT NOW SUCKS SHIT, Father, really. I can envision it like a vacuum...
A dark & dirty vacuum, sucking up the piles & manure readily available in my life.
Oh.
Hah.
hahaha shit that's funny
K, so... This is all happening to SUCK the shit up & OUT of my life?
Like, all this weakness & pain & loneliness & despair?
The excess of it, in this moment, cuz OBVIOUSLY I've been through worse than what I'm going through now, yet it FEELS like the worst it's EVER been...
The excess is my ACCESS to a breakthrough?
So the "shit" gets "suck"ed up & "out" of my WHOLE LIFE???!!
That sounds good to me. =)
*I really love you, God. You are the coolest thing around! ;) Craaaaazzzzy as MAD HATTER, but seriously the most kickin'ly intelligent Being EVER!!!*
Thanks.
Apparently I DID need all that pain.
And loneliness.
And despair.
To clear the last vestiges of past experiences from my mind & body.
Kickin'.
I still hurt, but it feels... Less.
Purely physical now, rather than weighing down in all levels.
I KNEW I had to cry!!! I've been feeling it for hours!
But I couldn't.
I was like damned up.
And then the pressure built & built & BAM, broke.
God, I love you!!! =)))
*They're going to think I'm nuts, you know... And, yes, I WILL blame YOU! ;)*
I LOVE THEE, FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thou art insanely & artistically illuminating!! To the core! None of this even makes sense, but I CAN FEEL THE TRUTH IN IT!
Ahhh, I love the Spirit... So odd, how a word here & there can get me to pause & GET IT.
Finally.
Oh, Father, please help me to cease with the pain... Physically.
I accept it now.
Help me heal.
And quick. ;)
Emotionally, I don't even know what I need, besides callin' mom... Thy will be done there.
Mentally, all I gotta say is: Once I have that stable home you been promisin' me for so long, & steady food in the fridge, & enough money to not have to ask random mexican men at gas stations if they'll put a few in my tank!!!, & my babies with me so I'm not worried about them anymore, God?? Mentally? I better get my brains back. That's all I gotta say, cuz I want to graduate with some kickin' grades & keep gettin' scholarships, & at this rate, I'm gonna fail every damn test!!!!!!!!! Ach, okay, sorry 'bout the bitter-vibe, I'll work on that, too.
Spiritually, oh, Father, help them see. Help them see who I really am, & where I stand, so they'll stop worrying about me & thinkin' I've "strayed" or whatever bullshit. I'm so tired, & it DOES hurt so much, I just don't have the energy anymore to deal with all that crap. Take care of it for me, will ya, thanks.
Ach, I'm hurtin' so bad... gonna go call her now, let her read this, take a bath, eat something, take that Ibuprofen, read a few pages, do the actual kneeling, then fall into blissful *pain-free, right?? Please????????????????????* sleep...
Help me with all that, eh?
I'm gonna forget those steps any second now.
OH, FATHER, THANK THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You amaze me, every time.
I turn to Thee, cuss you out, discover it's all me anyway, let you in, release the garbage, & move on... You freakin' ROCK!!!
Thank Thee, for loving me for always.
Thank Thee for always BEING THERE, oh, how grateful I am to KNOW I'm NOT Alone... even when I FEEL it, & then get to FEEL THY LOVE so soon after the despair!!!!!!
You're really my favorite, please don't ever be anything else but GOD. ;)
Okay, going now.
Hurt, hurt, hurt.
Please bless those steps to work with eliminating the pain, or relieving it, or SOMETHING!!! Ach, whatever.
Thy will be done.
Thou knowest best, anyway.
Annoying, you know.
Whatever, keep on keepin' on with the knowing better, no matter how much I wanna one-up ya... I really do appreciate it!
I'll get over this pride eventually...
Right?
K, love you sooo much, Father,
Oh, & please bless my babies & my husbands & that one man & my friends & my family & everyone else, just like you always do...
In Jesus' Sacred & Everlastingly Awesome & Atoning Name, Amen.
