I just discovered a feature I didn't know existed...
*Which is not surprising, considering how infrequently I pop in to blog! ;)
The site keeps track of how many times it's been visited.
And I've had 982 people read my blog.
Wow.
I thought I was alone here.
Truly.
I'd convinced myself that there was no one reading anymore.
And, I must admit, the realization that nearly one thousand people have read my words is a li'l unsettling. Especially since I'm sure most do not know me, cuz my friends & fam have forgotten about this whole thing. I think. I hope! ;)
Anyway...
I intended to get on & "share" how things are going with my lovely man... But now that I know I'd ACTUALLY BE SHARING I'm a tad hesitant! Silly, I know, but true.
I mean, I wonder what would happen if I allowed comments, at this point... I'm sure it's safe now... My fugitive husband is no longer an issue, as he's proven to be more concerned about refraining from being arrested than causing anyone any harm... So that's good. And, since that's the only reason I cut the comments off, I believe there's no reason to continue this isolation. Right?
I don't know, I kind of liked the freedom I felt... Thinking no one would ever pay much attention to my rambling. I mean, I know I began this blog to connect & reassure, but it shifted along the way & now I've sort of "trained" everyone who loves me not to worry or think about me too much, so I've had quite a bit of anonymity...
And I've loved it!!
This new concept of others randomly reading my words...
*Though I've known that happens, I hadn't come face to face with proof!!
Well...
It's really altered my views.
And I don't feel like sharing much anymore.
*Though I am still typing, you notice that? Fascinating.
So, bottom line:
I'm going to need to take some time to consider all this...
And, surely, I'll get back with you...
Sometime.
=)
Hope all is well in your life,
Angelina
13 July, 2012
20 February, 2012
WhodaThunkit...
There are no words to describe how I feel at this moment in time...
But here I am anyway.
And it's about damn time, wouldn't you agree?!
It's been so many months since I last wrote, it shocks even me!
*Truth be told, it's simply been a matter of not having real internet access...
But still!!
Shameful!
Anyway, I don't really care about that.
Let's dish on the good stuff, shall we?
It's been a crazy-awful-wonderful year...
Ups & downs & all the turns we've all come to expect from my life...
Only better. =)
I finished my first book.
I'm getting real time with my kids again.
I managed to keep from becoming a slut.
I'm totally gone over a fabulous guy.
I have a roof over my head.
I've maintained my faith under ever more trying circumstances.
I still love life!
Pretty good for a chick that's been homeless & job-less again & again.
Yeah...
I'm pretty damn proud of myself. ;)
*It's really a God thing, in all truth, cuz I'm pretty pathetic on my own.
Anyway, enough with the 6-month update...
Let's talk about tonight!!
So...
There's this guy...
Who's fabulous...
And I like him a lot...
And he finally acknowledged he likes me too...
And I'm pretty pleased about it all.
He's super-intelligent & immensely appealing & totally humorous & quite fun & surprisingly honest & rather respectful & incredibly magnetic & more, but best of all: His kisses are everything I hoped they'd be & that means perfect & I'm so happy I could burst!!
Good things come to those who wait! ;)
I have been unbelievably patient with this guy...
He REALLY took his time...
And I thought I might die.
But I survived.
And, wow, am I glad I hung in there!! =)
I don't know if we're a true long-term match or not...
But he's so worth the discovering process!
It's been interesting, that's for sure.
Even before I had a clue that he was into me, I was ending it with others.
I simply didn't feel right about dating them any more.
It was bizarre.
And I felt rather frustrated at the influence he was having in my life...
Without even meaning to, I mean, he didn't know or anything!
And, at the beginning, it wasn't like I was "breaking up" cuz I wanted to be available for HIM or anything, it was just a simple awareness that none of it was working for me anymore, but the more time I spent talking with him, well, the more I wanted more...
Craziness.
And I told myself not to want anything...
But I couldn't help it.
*He is SOOO appealing to me!!
And tonight, finally, he kissed me! =)
WooHoo!!
I have been insatiable when it comes to spending time with him...
I can never get enough.
I want more & more & more!
More time, more talk, more touch...
*There's been NO touch, so that one was Killin' me!!
And I can honestly say I've never wanted a man this way before.
Oh, I've wanted men, we all know that...
I've wanted them for many different reasons...
But I've never wanted a man for ALL the reasons.
And I've never been so patient & hungry all at the same time.
Damn.
How do I explain this??
I've always been either "horny" -I know, I hate that term, but it's the one I got right now- & rather impatient or I've been perfectly content with however the "relationship" panned out. I mean, I either wanted him to make-out with me as often as possible or I was super-patient with whether we turned out to be friends or more or less -though I'm not a major fan of "less", as I'd like to be friends with the whole world, of course- & the bottom line was that I just went with the flow with everything & had such unconditional love towards everyone that I just wanted "however it works out" to be the "best for everyone involved" & I was rather "whatever" about it all. Unless I was super-attracted & wanted kisses & then I was a li'l more invested. ;)
But this is different somehow.
I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but...
I want all or nothing with this guy.
I want more & more & everything.
And, in the past, I've thought, "Oh, it'd be so great if it works out with this guy, oh, please, Father, help it to be right, cuz this guy's so great & I really enjoy being with him..." -don't get me wrong, I'm still kinda doin' that with this one- but this time I've found myself realizing that it's not just a hope & a "Oh, gee! Could I please?!" kind of thing, it's like a damn-I-feel-magnetized-to-this-man-I-wonder-what-makes-him-tick-&-I-want-all-the-time-in-the-world-so-I-can-learn-everything-there-is-to-know-about-him-&-would-our-kisses-be-as-good-as-our-conversation?-oh-damn-that-ended-too-soon-I-want-more-more-more-more-more!!
EVEN WHEN I know I'LL SEE HIM THE next DAY!
THAT'S the weirdest part.
I mean, I've known I'll see him whenever I want, at least 3 times a week, since practically the beginning of meeting him & STILL it's not enough!! I haven't been able to understand what's happening to me! I've always been so content & comfortable with seeing a guy here & there & I've floated for days after a make-out session & everything's just been acceptable to me -unless I REALLY needed kisses & it'd been a few weeks or something- but this guy has turned all that upside down!
I want hours & hours of conversation & then I want more & then I wish he would kiss me already & then, when I know I'm not going to see him for a few days, I think I may just die if I can't at least hear his voice & oh, my goodness, it's been crazy!
I'm insatiable over him!!
Now, of course, I haven't died, & I didn't even let him know any of this was going on, but golly-gee-willikers-suzy... I've never felt so... So... I don't know.
I just don't know.
But I do know this:
I am one happy camper that he kissed me tonight!! =)
*Of course, I can already tell you now that it was exactly enough while he was here... But I'm already wanting more, & he's not been gone all for more than a couple hours!! Crazy!
Anyway, I'm sure I've no idea what's going on, but I can say this much already:
I am supremely content with the fact that we finally kissed...
I am not content to simply be his friend...
I am not content to just be a make-out partner...
I am content wanting more.
And more...
And more...
And more. =)
Hope all is well in all y'all's world...
And that you're figuring out who & what matters to You, too!
Love,
Ang
But here I am anyway.
And it's about damn time, wouldn't you agree?!
It's been so many months since I last wrote, it shocks even me!
*Truth be told, it's simply been a matter of not having real internet access...
But still!!
Shameful!
Anyway, I don't really care about that.
Let's dish on the good stuff, shall we?
It's been a crazy-awful-wonderful year...
Ups & downs & all the turns we've all come to expect from my life...
Only better. =)
I finished my first book.
I'm getting real time with my kids again.
I managed to keep from becoming a slut.
I'm totally gone over a fabulous guy.
I have a roof over my head.
I've maintained my faith under ever more trying circumstances.
I still love life!
Pretty good for a chick that's been homeless & job-less again & again.
Yeah...
I'm pretty damn proud of myself. ;)
*It's really a God thing, in all truth, cuz I'm pretty pathetic on my own.
Anyway, enough with the 6-month update...
Let's talk about tonight!!
So...
There's this guy...
Who's fabulous...
And I like him a lot...
And he finally acknowledged he likes me too...
And I'm pretty pleased about it all.
He's super-intelligent & immensely appealing & totally humorous & quite fun & surprisingly honest & rather respectful & incredibly magnetic & more, but best of all: His kisses are everything I hoped they'd be & that means perfect & I'm so happy I could burst!!
Good things come to those who wait! ;)
I have been unbelievably patient with this guy...
He REALLY took his time...
And I thought I might die.
But I survived.
And, wow, am I glad I hung in there!! =)
I don't know if we're a true long-term match or not...
But he's so worth the discovering process!
It's been interesting, that's for sure.
Even before I had a clue that he was into me, I was ending it with others.
I simply didn't feel right about dating them any more.
It was bizarre.
And I felt rather frustrated at the influence he was having in my life...
Without even meaning to, I mean, he didn't know or anything!
And, at the beginning, it wasn't like I was "breaking up" cuz I wanted to be available for HIM or anything, it was just a simple awareness that none of it was working for me anymore, but the more time I spent talking with him, well, the more I wanted more...
Craziness.
And I told myself not to want anything...
But I couldn't help it.
*He is SOOO appealing to me!!
And tonight, finally, he kissed me! =)
WooHoo!!
I have been insatiable when it comes to spending time with him...
I can never get enough.
I want more & more & more!
More time, more talk, more touch...
*There's been NO touch, so that one was Killin' me!!
And I can honestly say I've never wanted a man this way before.
Oh, I've wanted men, we all know that...
I've wanted them for many different reasons...
But I've never wanted a man for ALL the reasons.
And I've never been so patient & hungry all at the same time.
Damn.
How do I explain this??
I've always been either "horny" -I know, I hate that term, but it's the one I got right now- & rather impatient or I've been perfectly content with however the "relationship" panned out. I mean, I either wanted him to make-out with me as often as possible or I was super-patient with whether we turned out to be friends or more or less -though I'm not a major fan of "less", as I'd like to be friends with the whole world, of course- & the bottom line was that I just went with the flow with everything & had such unconditional love towards everyone that I just wanted "however it works out" to be the "best for everyone involved" & I was rather "whatever" about it all. Unless I was super-attracted & wanted kisses & then I was a li'l more invested. ;)
But this is different somehow.
I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but...
I want all or nothing with this guy.
I want more & more & everything.
And, in the past, I've thought, "Oh, it'd be so great if it works out with this guy, oh, please, Father, help it to be right, cuz this guy's so great & I really enjoy being with him..." -don't get me wrong, I'm still kinda doin' that with this one- but this time I've found myself realizing that it's not just a hope & a "Oh, gee! Could I please?!" kind of thing, it's like a damn-I-feel-magnetized-to-this-man-I-wonder-what-makes-him-tick-&-I-want-all-the-time-in-the-world-so-I-can-learn-everything-there-is-to-know-about-him-&-would-our-kisses-be-as-good-as-our-conversation?-oh-damn-that-ended-too-soon-I-want-more-more-more-more-more!!
EVEN WHEN I know I'LL SEE HIM THE next DAY!
THAT'S the weirdest part.
I mean, I've known I'll see him whenever I want, at least 3 times a week, since practically the beginning of meeting him & STILL it's not enough!! I haven't been able to understand what's happening to me! I've always been so content & comfortable with seeing a guy here & there & I've floated for days after a make-out session & everything's just been acceptable to me -unless I REALLY needed kisses & it'd been a few weeks or something- but this guy has turned all that upside down!
I want hours & hours of conversation & then I want more & then I wish he would kiss me already & then, when I know I'm not going to see him for a few days, I think I may just die if I can't at least hear his voice & oh, my goodness, it's been crazy!
I'm insatiable over him!!
Now, of course, I haven't died, & I didn't even let him know any of this was going on, but golly-gee-willikers-suzy... I've never felt so... So... I don't know.
I just don't know.
But I do know this:
I am one happy camper that he kissed me tonight!! =)
*Of course, I can already tell you now that it was exactly enough while he was here... But I'm already wanting more, & he's not been gone all for more than a couple hours!! Crazy!
Anyway, I'm sure I've no idea what's going on, but I can say this much already:
I am supremely content with the fact that we finally kissed...
I am not content to simply be his friend...
I am not content to just be a make-out partner...
I am content wanting more.
And more...
And more...
And more. =)
Hope all is well in all y'all's world...
And that you're figuring out who & what matters to You, too!
Love,
Ang
01 July, 2011
Queen of the Universe...
Okay, so, I suppose that's an exaggeration...
BUT...
It IS my Birthday!! =)
And that's pretty damn powerful, don'tcha think? ;)
Anyway, I love life & I love that I made it through 31 years & I love that I have one white hair & I feel I earned it & I love that he text' me flowers all the time & I love the gift that I woke up with this morning & I love that I go dancing every week & I love that I'm loved & I love that this last year transformed my entire life & I love that I got to spend a day with my children at my sister's wedding & I love that I also got to see my other li'l sister & I love that I'm going to the Cache Valley Cruise-In for my Birthday & I love that I have a steady place to live & I love that I'm up to huge things in my life & I love that my kids know I love them no matter what anyone says or how I fail at things & I love that this is the longest run-on sentence that has ever made it outside of my journal!!
Basically, I love life.
More specifically, I love my life.
Even more accurate, I love the life I've chosen.
And I'll keep choosing it.
And it will become more & more fulfilling every year.
And I freakin' rock for living through all the garbage,
AND NOW LOOK HOW WORTH IT IT WAS/IS!!
I could go on to share exactly how & why, but I really don't feel like it...
It's my Birthday & I've been inundated with calls & texts all morning & then I got on Facebook to change a couple things & spread the love & there were a ton of Happy Birthday wishes & it's been marvelous, don't get me wrong, but I need a li'l peace & quiet...
So I'm off to B&N to write in the book I'm working on & to read a li'l & then move my bed into my new space & spend time with a few friends & then go dancing to close out the night!!
What a fabulous gift of a day I have...
31 years old.
Rock on!! =)
I made it...
=)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
BUT...
It IS my Birthday!! =)
And that's pretty damn powerful, don'tcha think? ;)
Anyway, I love life & I love that I made it through 31 years & I love that I have one white hair & I feel I earned it & I love that he text' me flowers all the time & I love the gift that I woke up with this morning & I love that I go dancing every week & I love that I'm loved & I love that this last year transformed my entire life & I love that I got to spend a day with my children at my sister's wedding & I love that I also got to see my other li'l sister & I love that I'm going to the Cache Valley Cruise-In for my Birthday & I love that I have a steady place to live & I love that I'm up to huge things in my life & I love that my kids know I love them no matter what anyone says or how I fail at things & I love that this is the longest run-on sentence that has ever made it outside of my journal!!
Basically, I love life.
More specifically, I love my life.
Even more accurate, I love the life I've chosen.
And I'll keep choosing it.
And it will become more & more fulfilling every year.
And I freakin' rock for living through all the garbage,
AND NOW LOOK HOW WORTH IT IT WAS/IS!!
I could go on to share exactly how & why, but I really don't feel like it...
It's my Birthday & I've been inundated with calls & texts all morning & then I got on Facebook to change a couple things & spread the love & there were a ton of Happy Birthday wishes & it's been marvelous, don't get me wrong, but I need a li'l peace & quiet...
So I'm off to B&N to write in the book I'm working on & to read a li'l & then move my bed into my new space & spend time with a few friends & then go dancing to close out the night!!
What a fabulous gift of a day I have...
31 years old.
Rock on!! =)
I made it...
=)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
08 June, 2011
Dude. I ROCK!!
Words don't even come close to describing how freakin' cool I am!!
Seriously.
I mean it! LOL, truly!! =)
I am so high on life right now, it's definitely funny. ;)
And I love ME!! =)))
I don't know how I got so cool, but I'm lovin' this.
So, not only am I full of good character traits & whatever, but I JUST TIGHT-ROPED!
Who does that, I asks ya??
Cool people, that's who. ;)
Yay for being a cool people!! ;)
Okay, seriously seriously now...
I am so thrilled with my life, it amazes me.
You'd think I'd still be all sorts of bent out of shape over the hideous circumstances that've been thrown my way, over & over & over again...
But, nope, I'm not.
And get less "bent" each day. ;)
Really.
I know it's partly me & mostly God & partly good friends & partly whatever, but I DON'T CARE what the reasons are!! I like the results!!! =)
Not only is my health improving impressively, but my guy-life is also.
Not only do I have a bazillion friends who love me, but new people love me also.
Not only am I sure I'll be successful someday, but I'm successful now also.
Okay, that first line makes no sense...
But it makes me happy!! ;)
Each guy I "date" *that term is used very loosely, btw* just gets cooler & cooler... To the point that when they get where they don't wanna date me anymore *cuz I'm so "complicated"* I feel a bit sad AND THEN look forward in anticipation to see HOW FREAKIN' COOL the next dude'll be!!
How fun is THAT??
Let me tell you... IT'S FUN!!! =)))
Plus I've figured something super-vital out:
I am not complicated.
My life is, yes.
But IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am not complicated.
I'm simple & straight-forward & fabulously honest.
Anyone who doesn't think so, well, look in the mirror, folks.
Really.
I've thought that I was uncomplicated for ages, but it's been lately that I've been able to see just how clear I am... And I'm loving it more than words can express!! =)
*Granted, I believe I WAS much more complicated during my first marriage, so... That's a li'l unpleasant to realize...
But, oh well. I did my best.*
Each new guy is clearer & clearer & our communication rocks. =)
'Course, they've each ended up looking at the details of my life & thinking it's ME that's drama/complicated, so they've bailed...
But I know one o' these days SOME AMAZING MAN will SEE ME FOR WHO I AM & all is gonna rock the house, baby, oh, yeah!! ;)
Anyway, THE BEST NEWS OF ALL:
Communication has been re-established between Mr. Father-of-My-Children & I...
Aaaaannd...
I've spoken with my three beautiful children THREE TIMES in the last few weeks!!!
That's an F-ing MIRACLE, is what that is!! =)))
WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =))))))))
I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! =)
So, talking with them again is so magnificent, I just can't even tell you.
It'd been so damn long.
And so damn difficult.
And so damn damn-damn damn-damn-damn.
That's right.
Whatever that would equate to, it was it.
BUT WE'RE TALKIN' NOW!!! =)))
And it thrills me to pieces, beyond words.
Which makes my whole life beautiful.
Even when I lost yet another home & job, recently.
Ugh.
Craziness.
They flow in & out of my life like water.
I don't quite get it.
Buuuuuuuut...
I have confidence that WHEN A HOME & STEADY INCOME FINALLY STICK WITH ME, wow, it'll be so fantabulous...
Y'all won't barely even be able to grasp it all. =)
Really.
Cuz I'm cool people, remember?
Tight-rope walking, cool-guy magnetizing, beautiful-children mothering...
Rockin' Chick.
LOL, seriously. ;)
Seriously.
I mean it! LOL, truly!! =)
I am so high on life right now, it's definitely funny. ;)
And I love ME!! =)))
I don't know how I got so cool, but I'm lovin' this.
So, not only am I full of good character traits & whatever, but I JUST TIGHT-ROPED!
Who does that, I asks ya??
Cool people, that's who. ;)
Yay for being a cool people!! ;)
Okay, seriously seriously now...
I am so thrilled with my life, it amazes me.
You'd think I'd still be all sorts of bent out of shape over the hideous circumstances that've been thrown my way, over & over & over again...
But, nope, I'm not.
And get less "bent" each day. ;)
Really.
I know it's partly me & mostly God & partly good friends & partly whatever, but I DON'T CARE what the reasons are!! I like the results!!! =)
Not only is my health improving impressively, but my guy-life is also.
Not only do I have a bazillion friends who love me, but new people love me also.
Not only am I sure I'll be successful someday, but I'm successful now also.
Okay, that first line makes no sense...
But it makes me happy!! ;)
Each guy I "date" *that term is used very loosely, btw* just gets cooler & cooler... To the point that when they get where they don't wanna date me anymore *cuz I'm so "complicated"* I feel a bit sad AND THEN look forward in anticipation to see HOW FREAKIN' COOL the next dude'll be!!
How fun is THAT??
Let me tell you... IT'S FUN!!! =)))
Plus I've figured something super-vital out:
I am not complicated.
My life is, yes.
But IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am not complicated.
I'm simple & straight-forward & fabulously honest.
Anyone who doesn't think so, well, look in the mirror, folks.
Really.
I've thought that I was uncomplicated for ages, but it's been lately that I've been able to see just how clear I am... And I'm loving it more than words can express!! =)
*Granted, I believe I WAS much more complicated during my first marriage, so... That's a li'l unpleasant to realize...
But, oh well. I did my best.*
Each new guy is clearer & clearer & our communication rocks. =)
'Course, they've each ended up looking at the details of my life & thinking it's ME that's drama/complicated, so they've bailed...
But I know one o' these days SOME AMAZING MAN will SEE ME FOR WHO I AM & all is gonna rock the house, baby, oh, yeah!! ;)
Anyway, THE BEST NEWS OF ALL:
Communication has been re-established between Mr. Father-of-My-Children & I...
Aaaaannd...
I've spoken with my three beautiful children THREE TIMES in the last few weeks!!!
That's an F-ing MIRACLE, is what that is!! =)))
WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =))))))))
I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! =)
So, talking with them again is so magnificent, I just can't even tell you.
It'd been so damn long.
And so damn difficult.
And so damn damn-damn damn-damn-damn.
That's right.
Whatever that would equate to, it was it.
BUT WE'RE TALKIN' NOW!!! =)))
And it thrills me to pieces, beyond words.
Which makes my whole life beautiful.
Even when I lost yet another home & job, recently.
Ugh.
Craziness.
They flow in & out of my life like water.
I don't quite get it.
Buuuuuuuut...
I have confidence that WHEN A HOME & STEADY INCOME FINALLY STICK WITH ME, wow, it'll be so fantabulous...
Y'all won't barely even be able to grasp it all. =)
Really.
Cuz I'm cool people, remember?
Tight-rope walking, cool-guy magnetizing, beautiful-children mothering...
Rockin' Chick.
LOL, seriously. ;)
05 April, 2011
Truth About Despair:
It's an illusionary device of the devil.
Period.
*Whether you believe in a devil or a dark force or negativity or nothing at all, I don't care, it's all B.S. anyway.*
Despair gets us RIGHT BEFORE the "good" stuff's about to happen.
Every time.
It's all made-up.
Every bit of it.
All MADE UP by that Satan-dude & we fall for it, don't we...
Some people.
Sometimes.
Like me.
Oops.
But, the GOOD NEWS is:
I've gotten out of it sooner & sooner, in my lovely life...
And THAT is PROGRESS, indeed!! =)
And we can ALL do that.
*Really. No lie. YOU too have the power to destroy the dastardly devil & his diabolically darkened despair!!*
**Okay, that was so F-ing hilarious!! I couldn't resist, then it just got better, & I should so write comic books!! ;)**
LOL, ANYway...
I woke with a sadness this morning...
Missing a loved one *or twenty*...
And that sadness just grew & morphed & darkened & yech!
Only a couple hours had passed & I was feeling utterly pointless & like a waste of good earth material.
*No joke!! It was AWFUL!!*
That, my dear friends-that-I-know-never-read-this-anymore-thank-heavens-cuz-I-stopped-writing-it-for-your-benefit-ages-ago-&-now-if-you-get-anything-out-of-this-blog-I-would-consider-it-a-miracle-but-I-believe-in-miracles-&-pray-for-them-regularly-so-I-hope-you-are-still-getting-something-from-my-ramblings-cuz-I-love-you-very-much, is how despair works its dark magic.
"Oh, you're sad? Missing a loved one, eh? Well... You KNOW that when you don't have your loved ones around you, especially for extended periods of time, it MUST mean that you're UNworthy to have those loved ones in your life. You know this, right? I mean, I HATE to break it to you, if you didn't already know it, but everyone else knows it & it seems only fair that YOU ought to have this information as well. Oh, does that make you even MORE sad?? I'm soooo sorry, really I am, but this IS life, & you ARE alone, & everyone else you know has people around, do they not?? Cuz they're better than you are. With relationships, at least... Well... Now that we're having this conversation, I may as well tell you: They're better at EVERYthing than you are. I HATE to say it, you know I wouldn't if it weren't true, but... Really. See how they manage to not only keep the people they love around them, but they also stay in their homes & keep their jobs & maintain their vehicles & get their nails done?? That's all because they handle life better than you & are more worthy to keep the blessings they receive &..."
You get the idea?
Insidious, is despair not??
Yes.
Insidious.
It may use a different tact on different people, but the message is generally the same.
And it gets us, alright.
Right where we're most tender.
But, here's the thing:
It's illusionary.
It's a device of the devil.
*Whoever that may be, whatever you believe, I don't care. He/it's REAL.*
AND it's up to US whether we listen or not.
I listened, to a point, for a couple hours this morning...
And then I said, "Yo. Idiot. Your time's up. Let the door hitcha on yo' way out!"
And...
I feel much better now. =)
Period.
*Whether you believe in a devil or a dark force or negativity or nothing at all, I don't care, it's all B.S. anyway.*
Despair gets us RIGHT BEFORE the "good" stuff's about to happen.
Every time.
It's all made-up.
Every bit of it.
All MADE UP by that Satan-dude & we fall for it, don't we...
Some people.
Sometimes.
Like me.
Oops.
But, the GOOD NEWS is:
I've gotten out of it sooner & sooner, in my lovely life...
And THAT is PROGRESS, indeed!! =)
And we can ALL do that.
*Really. No lie. YOU too have the power to destroy the dastardly devil & his diabolically darkened despair!!*
**Okay, that was so F-ing hilarious!! I couldn't resist, then it just got better, & I should so write comic books!! ;)**
LOL, ANYway...
I woke with a sadness this morning...
Missing a loved one *or twenty*...
And that sadness just grew & morphed & darkened & yech!
Only a couple hours had passed & I was feeling utterly pointless & like a waste of good earth material.
*No joke!! It was AWFUL!!*
That, my dear friends-that-I-know-never-read-this-anymore-thank-heavens-cuz-I-stopped-writing-it-for-your-benefit-ages-ago-&-now-if-you-get-anything-out-of-this-blog-I-would-consider-it-a-miracle-but-I-believe-in-miracles-&-pray-for-them-regularly-so-I-hope-you-are-still-getting-something-from-my-ramblings-cuz-I-love-you-very-much, is how despair works its dark magic.
"Oh, you're sad? Missing a loved one, eh? Well... You KNOW that when you don't have your loved ones around you, especially for extended periods of time, it MUST mean that you're UNworthy to have those loved ones in your life. You know this, right? I mean, I HATE to break it to you, if you didn't already know it, but everyone else knows it & it seems only fair that YOU ought to have this information as well. Oh, does that make you even MORE sad?? I'm soooo sorry, really I am, but this IS life, & you ARE alone, & everyone else you know has people around, do they not?? Cuz they're better than you are. With relationships, at least... Well... Now that we're having this conversation, I may as well tell you: They're better at EVERYthing than you are. I HATE to say it, you know I wouldn't if it weren't true, but... Really. See how they manage to not only keep the people they love around them, but they also stay in their homes & keep their jobs & maintain their vehicles & get their nails done?? That's all because they handle life better than you & are more worthy to keep the blessings they receive &..."
You get the idea?
Insidious, is despair not??
Yes.
Insidious.
It may use a different tact on different people, but the message is generally the same.
And it gets us, alright.
Right where we're most tender.
But, here's the thing:
It's illusionary.
It's a device of the devil.
*Whoever that may be, whatever you believe, I don't care. He/it's REAL.*
AND it's up to US whether we listen or not.
I listened, to a point, for a couple hours this morning...
And then I said, "Yo. Idiot. Your time's up. Let the door hitcha on yo' way out!"
And...
I feel much better now. =)
01 April, 2011
I Thought Wrong...
I thought you knew me.
I thought you'd know the difference between knowing & assuming.
I thought you'd ask, if you didn't know.
I thought you'd ask, even if you thought you knew, if you were thinking negatively, just to make sure you really knew, so you'd never assume something negative about me unnecessarily.
I thought you knew me.
I thought you wanted to.
I thought you would speak up, to clarify, when you needed to.
I thought I'd always have an opportunity to fill you in, if you needed more information, cuz we'd have conversations for the rest of our lives, so we could clear things up.
I thought you knew me.
I thought wrong.
You thought I should care about differences between countries & when people were born.
You thought I should ask you more how things are in your life, even though I do on a regular basis & you don't tell me much more than the fluff stuff, cuz you don't wanna have conversations that aren't fun & light & whatever.
You thought that must mean that I'm selfish, or don't care enough about you, or something, even though I was respecting your time-table & need for privacy.
You thought a lot of other things, that I have no idea of, because you never shared them.
Until you were close to done.
Then...
A cuss-word or two & you can't handle me anymore??
What nonsense.
Absolute & utter nonsense.
You thought wrong.
You go find a mother that's had her husband, of nearly a decade, leave her... Her second husband choke her & threaten her life & violate her children... Those same children be handed over to that first husband, to temporarily care for them while she places her fourth & last baby for adoption... Then have her remain separated from them for two long F-ing years &, just to top it off, have her realize that that first husband now has NO INTENTION of even allowing her three beautiful children TO EVEN SPEAK WITH HER, let alone live with her again...
And go give her some shit about dancing & cussing & being grateful for a man in her life who is handsome & honest & intelligent & respects her & -God Forbid!- also drinks alcohol.
See how well that works for a quick conversation.
Oh, yeah, AND a quick conversation THAT YOU ALREADY MADE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT BEFORE YOU LAID IT OUT!!!
See if this other *lovely, dancing, church-going, scripture-studying, ensign-pondering, conference-anticipating, sex-abstaining-though-it's-cussing-up-a-storm-harder-than-anyone-can-even-come-close-to-imagining-thank-you-very-much, non-alcohol-drinking, ALL-ALONE-DOING-THE-BEST-DAMN-JOB-SHE-CAN* woman would be as polite!
And all that crap mentioned above??
That this woman has dealt with??
*With dignity & grace, mind you, for the most part...*
YOU KNOW that's only the tiniest portion of what has ACTUALLY occurred in her life, during the last few years, & is absolutely NOTHING when one considers THE WHOLE of her life.
But...
That all gets swept under the rug when someone does something you don't approve of, right?
Cuz...
We're all...
Supposed to be...
Perfect??
What does that even mean, anyway?
Perfect in what?
Perfectly following the prophet's advice, apparently.
Which, I suppose, I'm *shockingly enough* not doing adequately.
For you.
Guarantee, though...
I met one of those men?
They'd love me to pieces. =)
Cuz I don't hide my flaws.
And I take accountability for them.
And I work to improve strength in my personal weaknesses.
And I keep believing in Christ as my Atoning One, no matter what.
And I keep reading/studying the words of those men, past & present.
And I keep finding new ways to apply those words/principles in my life.
And I keep trusting in my Father.
That He KNOWS ALL.
And LOVES ALL.
And will work ALL to good.
Has, in fact, ALREADY done so.
And I just happen to see His hand in things a li'l bit sooner than the average bear.
So.
Y'all can judge me 'til the cows come home...
But...
Yo' missin' out on a pretty magnificent view.
Of those very same cows...
Meandering on through the most lushly verdant valley...
Surrounded by the most glorious peaks...
Heated by the brightest rays of sunshine there ever was, or will be.
Ciao! =)
I thought you'd know the difference between knowing & assuming.
I thought you'd ask, if you didn't know.
I thought you'd ask, even if you thought you knew, if you were thinking negatively, just to make sure you really knew, so you'd never assume something negative about me unnecessarily.
I thought you knew me.
I thought you wanted to.
I thought you would speak up, to clarify, when you needed to.
I thought I'd always have an opportunity to fill you in, if you needed more information, cuz we'd have conversations for the rest of our lives, so we could clear things up.
I thought you knew me.
I thought wrong.
You thought I should care about differences between countries & when people were born.
You thought I should ask you more how things are in your life, even though I do on a regular basis & you don't tell me much more than the fluff stuff, cuz you don't wanna have conversations that aren't fun & light & whatever.
You thought that must mean that I'm selfish, or don't care enough about you, or something, even though I was respecting your time-table & need for privacy.
You thought a lot of other things, that I have no idea of, because you never shared them.
Until you were close to done.
Then...
A cuss-word or two & you can't handle me anymore??
What nonsense.
Absolute & utter nonsense.
You thought wrong.
You go find a mother that's had her husband, of nearly a decade, leave her... Her second husband choke her & threaten her life & violate her children... Those same children be handed over to that first husband, to temporarily care for them while she places her fourth & last baby for adoption... Then have her remain separated from them for two long F-ing years &, just to top it off, have her realize that that first husband now has NO INTENTION of even allowing her three beautiful children TO EVEN SPEAK WITH HER, let alone live with her again...
And go give her some shit about dancing & cussing & being grateful for a man in her life who is handsome & honest & intelligent & respects her & -God Forbid!- also drinks alcohol.
See how well that works for a quick conversation.
Oh, yeah, AND a quick conversation THAT YOU ALREADY MADE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT BEFORE YOU LAID IT OUT!!!
See if this other *lovely, dancing, church-going, scripture-studying, ensign-pondering, conference-anticipating, sex-abstaining-though-it's-cussing-up-a-storm-harder-than-anyone-can-even-come-close-to-imagining-thank-you-very-much, non-alcohol-drinking, ALL-ALONE-DOING-THE-BEST-DAMN-JOB-SHE-CAN* woman would be as polite!
And all that crap mentioned above??
That this woman has dealt with??
*With dignity & grace, mind you, for the most part...*
YOU KNOW that's only the tiniest portion of what has ACTUALLY occurred in her life, during the last few years, & is absolutely NOTHING when one considers THE WHOLE of her life.
But...
That all gets swept under the rug when someone does something you don't approve of, right?
Cuz...
We're all...
Supposed to be...
Perfect??
What does that even mean, anyway?
Perfect in what?
Perfectly following the prophet's advice, apparently.
Which, I suppose, I'm *shockingly enough* not doing adequately.
For you.
Guarantee, though...
I met one of those men?
They'd love me to pieces. =)
Cuz I don't hide my flaws.
And I take accountability for them.
And I work to improve strength in my personal weaknesses.
And I keep believing in Christ as my Atoning One, no matter what.
And I keep reading/studying the words of those men, past & present.
And I keep finding new ways to apply those words/principles in my life.
And I keep trusting in my Father.
That He KNOWS ALL.
And LOVES ALL.
And will work ALL to good.
Has, in fact, ALREADY done so.
And I just happen to see His hand in things a li'l bit sooner than the average bear.
So.
Y'all can judge me 'til the cows come home...
But...
Yo' missin' out on a pretty magnificent view.
Of those very same cows...
Meandering on through the most lushly verdant valley...
Surrounded by the most glorious peaks...
Heated by the brightest rays of sunshine there ever was, or will be.
Ciao! =)
24 March, 2011
Didn't Occur To Me...
That I would be the one to hurt you.
I thought, honestly, that no one would get hurt.
I look back... And wonder if that's always been my problem.
A PollyAnna sort of approach to relationships, indeed.
See, the thing is:
I'm not capable of hurting anyone, truth be told.
All who've ever been hurt by me have pulled that hurt into their own hearts of their own accord.
Just as I've done, with them.
No one has ever intended to hurt me...
*Okay, I still wonder about my step-mother, I admit, but I'm pretty sure that if I were to talk with her NOW, with all I've learned & grown these last several years, I'd discover that she never intended... Nope, sorry, okay, I still think she was evil. Maybe not to her core or anything, but pretty damn close. I dunno. We'll see. One o' these days. Anyway...*
What I've learned is that people don't hurt me, I hurt myself.
Through believing certain things about them & the circumstances.
I've known this for a while now, but it's been more deeply impressed as of late.
So...
I "fell" in love again.
I know, I know... You'd think I'd "learn" by now.
And, by the song that just came up on my Pandora station, I HAVE LEARNED!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkzLk_2A5Dg
Damn straight! ;)
ANYWAY,
I didn't think I was FALLING in love, at first, cuz I felt like I was walking along, comfortably, side by side... And it was sooooo different, & soooo nice... I just didn't recognize the "falling" part.
So, I assumed, for nearly a week, that I didn't "fall in love" with him, that I JUST LIKED HIM.
What a fool I can be, sometimes.
He's the best man, by far, thus far.
How could I NOT "fall" for him??
*Fall on my knees & kiss his feet, that is, cuz he was bringin' such joy & pleasure into my sorely-deprived-of-such-things life... ;)*
Silliness seems to by my spesh-i-al-ity... ;)
For though I DID "fall" & it was NOT "hard", I'm more firmly "planted" in my love for him than I've been thus far... In my entire life.
Which is kind of odd, when I think of it... Considering how long & hard I fought to keep my marriages intact *hey, 6 months was a hell of a long time, with that man... you've no idea* BUT WHAT I'VE REALIZED is that I was "fighting" to "keep" something that was dead or corrupted or miserable in some way... And this, this... This is different.
Different as night & day.
This man wants to be wanted by me...
He just doesn't want to be hurt.
And he's protecting his heart.
Just in case.
*I hope & pray it's "just in case"!! If I did something already, I want to know! And rectify it!!*
Thing is: He's said so.
He was honest & open about his feelings/actions.
And I am still reeling in shock to have "discovered" such a man.
That I could "fall for" even MORE in the "breaking up" than in the initial "getting to know you" phase!! Who knew?! *God, of course... ;) Who, when I expressed how much I LIKED this man, responded with, "I knew you would." What a hoot!! =)*
Now, I know I've expressed great love & impress-ment *LOL, whatever! =) It works for what I need right now. ;)* with each man I've ever "fallen for" or been married to, for that matter, AND ALL THAT TRUTH IS NOT NEGATED BY THE IMPROVEMENT OF EACH SUBSEQUENT MAN... Not a whit.
Real truth is:
Not only do I find more & more clear men, but IIIIIIIIIIIII become more & more clear!
More firmly entrenched in the truth of WHO I AM, so it's easier to attract men who are more into truth & honesty & expression, you know?
*Wish I'd known all this before marrying... Saved a lot of heartache... But... 'Tis what it IS... And I'll not look back with regret... Still wishin' him the best, though... Hopin' he comes to the same realizations, so he can let go of all his bitterness & blame...*
Oh, God, help me. *know you will ;)* I feel so strongly, yet simply & sweetly, that I just want to stick it out with this one.
I wanted to stick it out with the others, of course, but it was more a stubborn refusal to admit failure/acknowledge that love couldn't "conquer" everything RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE... You know? *of course you do ;)* OR something along the lines of: I "can't lose" ANOTHER one... Or I'll just shrivel up & die...
Not very healthy outlooks, I realize now.
*LOL, I'm hilARious! ;) I luv me!! =)*
I loved each one of them, very very very much, but there was a clingy/controlling aspect underlying my love that just doesn't produce the highest quality expression of PURE love that I was aiming for...
*funny... I think some of them tried to tell me that... ;)*
Oh, Father... I just don't ever want to HOLD ON to a man who doesn't want to be held... Ever again. Yet...
Sometimes...
Don't we need to be held?
Whether we think we do, or not??
I know I do.
Sometimes.
And so do my children.
Sometimes.
So...
Maybe...
Men do also??
Hmmmmmmmm....
This is a thought that deserves some pondering... At the very least.
Oh, Father, I love Thee!! =)
I feel better now.
Time to go take care o' business! ;)
Ciao!
In Jesus' name I found myself praying, as usual & quite gratefully, Amen.
I thought, honestly, that no one would get hurt.
I look back... And wonder if that's always been my problem.
A PollyAnna sort of approach to relationships, indeed.
See, the thing is:
I'm not capable of hurting anyone, truth be told.
All who've ever been hurt by me have pulled that hurt into their own hearts of their own accord.
Just as I've done, with them.
No one has ever intended to hurt me...
*Okay, I still wonder about my step-mother, I admit, but I'm pretty sure that if I were to talk with her NOW, with all I've learned & grown these last several years, I'd discover that she never intended... Nope, sorry, okay, I still think she was evil. Maybe not to her core or anything, but pretty damn close. I dunno. We'll see. One o' these days. Anyway...*
What I've learned is that people don't hurt me, I hurt myself.
Through believing certain things about them & the circumstances.
I've known this for a while now, but it's been more deeply impressed as of late.
So...
I "fell" in love again.
I know, I know... You'd think I'd "learn" by now.
And, by the song that just came up on my Pandora station, I HAVE LEARNED!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkzLk_2A5Dg
Damn straight! ;)
ANYWAY,
I didn't think I was FALLING in love, at first, cuz I felt like I was walking along, comfortably, side by side... And it was sooooo different, & soooo nice... I just didn't recognize the "falling" part.
So, I assumed, for nearly a week, that I didn't "fall in love" with him, that I JUST LIKED HIM.
What a fool I can be, sometimes.
He's the best man, by far, thus far.
How could I NOT "fall" for him??
*Fall on my knees & kiss his feet, that is, cuz he was bringin' such joy & pleasure into my sorely-deprived-of-such-things life... ;)*
Silliness seems to by my spesh-i-al-ity... ;)
For though I DID "fall" & it was NOT "hard", I'm more firmly "planted" in my love for him than I've been thus far... In my entire life.
Which is kind of odd, when I think of it... Considering how long & hard I fought to keep my marriages intact *hey, 6 months was a hell of a long time, with that man... you've no idea* BUT WHAT I'VE REALIZED is that I was "fighting" to "keep" something that was dead or corrupted or miserable in some way... And this, this... This is different.
Different as night & day.
This man wants to be wanted by me...
He just doesn't want to be hurt.
And he's protecting his heart.
Just in case.
*I hope & pray it's "just in case"!! If I did something already, I want to know! And rectify it!!*
Thing is: He's said so.
He was honest & open about his feelings/actions.
And I am still reeling in shock to have "discovered" such a man.
That I could "fall for" even MORE in the "breaking up" than in the initial "getting to know you" phase!! Who knew?! *God, of course... ;) Who, when I expressed how much I LIKED this man, responded with, "I knew you would." What a hoot!! =)*
Now, I know I've expressed great love & impress-ment *LOL, whatever! =) It works for what I need right now. ;)* with each man I've ever "fallen for" or been married to, for that matter, AND ALL THAT TRUTH IS NOT NEGATED BY THE IMPROVEMENT OF EACH SUBSEQUENT MAN... Not a whit.
Real truth is:
Not only do I find more & more clear men, but IIIIIIIIIIIII become more & more clear!
More firmly entrenched in the truth of WHO I AM, so it's easier to attract men who are more into truth & honesty & expression, you know?
*Wish I'd known all this before marrying... Saved a lot of heartache... But... 'Tis what it IS... And I'll not look back with regret... Still wishin' him the best, though... Hopin' he comes to the same realizations, so he can let go of all his bitterness & blame...*
Oh, God, help me. *know you will ;)* I feel so strongly, yet simply & sweetly, that I just want to stick it out with this one.
I wanted to stick it out with the others, of course, but it was more a stubborn refusal to admit failure/acknowledge that love couldn't "conquer" everything RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE... You know? *of course you do ;)* OR something along the lines of: I "can't lose" ANOTHER one... Or I'll just shrivel up & die...
Not very healthy outlooks, I realize now.
*LOL, I'm hilARious! ;) I luv me!! =)*
I loved each one of them, very very very much, but there was a clingy/controlling aspect underlying my love that just doesn't produce the highest quality expression of PURE love that I was aiming for...
*funny... I think some of them tried to tell me that... ;)*
Oh, Father... I just don't ever want to HOLD ON to a man who doesn't want to be held... Ever again. Yet...
Sometimes...
Don't we need to be held?
Whether we think we do, or not??
I know I do.
Sometimes.
And so do my children.
Sometimes.
So...
Maybe...
Men do also??
Hmmmmmmmm....
This is a thought that deserves some pondering... At the very least.
Oh, Father, I love Thee!! =)
I feel better now.
Time to go take care o' business! ;)
Ciao!
In Jesus' name I found myself praying, as usual & quite gratefully, Amen.
16 March, 2011
Well. A Better Man, Indeed.
I will never ask for keeping a man who isn't thoroughly thrilled with me AGAIN!!
I'm floored.
How God works His magic is SO Beyond Me!! In such a beautiful way! =)
Such a short time-frame!! CanNOT even grasp how recently I wrote that last post & yet how LONG AGO that was! Hah!! Life! What a trip. =)
That song DID give me hope... Just enough to keep going...
Until I saw how much better it could be, & was able to make a choice.
Keep holding on to a man who doesn't want to be held??
OR actually move into the arms of one who's GLAD I'm there...
Hmmm, that's a tough one. ;)
What I've discovered:
Men will NOT learn how much I love them by me sticking around, in ridiculously un-ending patience, aiming to show them how marvelous they are & how good for them I am...
Cuz they would rather be right than loved.
And that's okay.
I'll leave them to it. ;)
And let one FIND ME that prefers love & passion OVER pride & control!!
Uh-huh. =)
That's right. ;)
GQTM...
And I finally FEEL the truth of that concept, though I been sayin' it for ages.
Hmmmmm... Feels Good... Verrrrrrry verrrrry verrry GOOD.
So.
On to the fun stuff:
Damn, baby, you is HOT!!
Never imagined, to be perfectly honest, that such a one would be as into me as you are...
Which is a li'l sad, now that I think of it, since I'm so fabulous. ;)
You'd think I would've dreamed up a hottie for myself!! LOL! ;)
But, no, I didn't care about such trivial things... Always looking deeper.
Besides the fact that, unfortunately this is a very new realization *Thank you for showing me!*, the fact that I was "prejudiced" against super-gorgeous men!! Thought y'all were "players"!
What a shock for me to discover, let me tell ya, as I "pride myself" on taking people as individuals & NOT making snap-judgments...
Oops.
I asked if you could forgive me, & I sure hope you continue to... ;)
Cuz I was oh, so very, very WRONG!!
Happily so!!
But still: SO VERY , VERY WRONG!!! =)))
Mm-M!! Darlin' you is Fiiiine AND honest AND clear AND intelligent AND all sorts of everything else!! =) You haven't disappointed me yet, not in a single moment.
Shocking for such a "playboy"!! ;)
Which, of course, doesn't mean much, since barely enough time at all has passed...
But STILL!!
What FUN you are!! =)
I feel more gorgeous than EVER &, I gotta say, I been feelin' gorgeous daily for quite some time now... So. Kudos to you. ;)
Helpin' me reach new heights of self-satisfaction, darlin'...
And I LIKE it. ;)
On a more serious note:
I realized this morning why I draw the sexually repressed, or worse, to me...
And it is a very sad, yet liberating, dawning of light to a very dark truth...
I.
Yes, I.
Have been incredibly... Sexually repressed.
Yep. =(
Being raped at the age of three sure fucks you up.
*Quite literally, hahahaha!!
Sorry, that was sick. GQTM... But damn funny... :p*
Anyway.
I really GOT it this morning.
So clearly.
I HAVE been sending "mixed messages"!!
With a major lack of trust "issue"!
How on earth did I not see it before??
I mean, I saw it years ago, but thought I'd dealt with it all...
Come to find out this a.m. that, no, in fact, there were still remnants of darkness blinding my sight, blocking my ability to see how IIIIIIIIIIIIIII was the reason those relationships "failed".
Damn.
Anyway, I got over it, got up & gettin' to my day, came to express myself, now gotta go to lunch with a dear friend, & AM PLEASED AS PUNCH WITH MY LIFE!! =)))
Ciao! ;)
I'm floored.
How God works His magic is SO Beyond Me!! In such a beautiful way! =)
Such a short time-frame!! CanNOT even grasp how recently I wrote that last post & yet how LONG AGO that was! Hah!! Life! What a trip. =)
That song DID give me hope... Just enough to keep going...
Until I saw how much better it could be, & was able to make a choice.
Keep holding on to a man who doesn't want to be held??
OR actually move into the arms of one who's GLAD I'm there...
Hmmm, that's a tough one. ;)
What I've discovered:
Men will NOT learn how much I love them by me sticking around, in ridiculously un-ending patience, aiming to show them how marvelous they are & how good for them I am...
Cuz they would rather be right than loved.
And that's okay.
I'll leave them to it. ;)
And let one FIND ME that prefers love & passion OVER pride & control!!
Uh-huh. =)
That's right. ;)
GQTM...
And I finally FEEL the truth of that concept, though I been sayin' it for ages.
Hmmmmm... Feels Good... Verrrrrrry verrrrry verrry GOOD.
So.
On to the fun stuff:
Damn, baby, you is HOT!!
Never imagined, to be perfectly honest, that such a one would be as into me as you are...
Which is a li'l sad, now that I think of it, since I'm so fabulous. ;)
You'd think I would've dreamed up a hottie for myself!! LOL! ;)
But, no, I didn't care about such trivial things... Always looking deeper.
Besides the fact that, unfortunately this is a very new realization *Thank you for showing me!*, the fact that I was "prejudiced" against super-gorgeous men!! Thought y'all were "players"!
What a shock for me to discover, let me tell ya, as I "pride myself" on taking people as individuals & NOT making snap-judgments...
Oops.
I asked if you could forgive me, & I sure hope you continue to... ;)
Cuz I was oh, so very, very WRONG!!
Happily so!!
But still: SO VERY , VERY WRONG!!! =)))
Mm-M!! Darlin' you is Fiiiine AND honest AND clear AND intelligent AND all sorts of everything else!! =) You haven't disappointed me yet, not in a single moment.
Shocking for such a "playboy"!! ;)
Which, of course, doesn't mean much, since barely enough time at all has passed...
But STILL!!
What FUN you are!! =)
I feel more gorgeous than EVER &, I gotta say, I been feelin' gorgeous daily for quite some time now... So. Kudos to you. ;)
Helpin' me reach new heights of self-satisfaction, darlin'...
And I LIKE it. ;)
On a more serious note:
I realized this morning why I draw the sexually repressed, or worse, to me...
And it is a very sad, yet liberating, dawning of light to a very dark truth...
I.
Yes, I.
Have been incredibly... Sexually repressed.
Yep. =(
Being raped at the age of three sure fucks you up.
*Quite literally, hahahaha!!
Sorry, that was sick. GQTM... But damn funny... :p*
Anyway.
I really GOT it this morning.
So clearly.
I HAVE been sending "mixed messages"!!
With a major lack of trust "issue"!
How on earth did I not see it before??
I mean, I saw it years ago, but thought I'd dealt with it all...
Come to find out this a.m. that, no, in fact, there were still remnants of darkness blinding my sight, blocking my ability to see how IIIIIIIIIIIIIII was the reason those relationships "failed".
Damn.
Anyway, I got over it, got up & gettin' to my day, came to express myself, now gotta go to lunch with a dear friend, & AM PLEASED AS PUNCH WITH MY LIFE!! =)))
Ciao! ;)
20 February, 2011
A Man BETTER Than This??
How can this be, I ask...
But I remember when I felt that way about my first husband.
Then the same about my second.
And over & over about half a dozen times since the two of them...
So I KNOW there IS a man "better" than this one. Somehow. Out there.
For me.
Still I wonder, HOW CAN THIS BE??!
Because he is THE BEST I've ever known.
By far.
Which in no way lessens the others...
*Which none of them have ever grasped, but whatever.*
IT JUST MEANS THEY KEEP GETTING BETTER & BETTER!!
Not that the others are any less.
*Doesn't that make sense? It's so simple to me...*
Oh, heavens... I just don't know what to do.
He's so marvelous, but...
K.
Something weird just happened.
I wrote a few sentences *about him not wanting me/to be with me* & then all of a sudden they disappeared & this song was playing *Fall For You, by Secondhand Serenade* that I've never heard before... And I felt it touch me, somehow, & it MATTERED... Like, it wanted me to listen to it!
So, I did. =)
Of course.
And, since I don't believe in coincidences, it somehow breathed fresh hope into my lungs, & I think I may not need to find that next man, that "better" man.
I'm so sick of that, btw, finding the next best thing, which is always better, but not for any reason that they think.
It's ONLY cuz the last best thing CHOSE NOT TO BE THE ONE.
Period.
Not for any other reason.
And it's soooooo sad to me.
Over & over & over again.
They choose NOT TO BE THE ONE & I beg & plead & do my best to convince & help them see HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM, but no. Oh, no. They'll have none of it.
Or they want a better woman.
Good luck.
GQTM, no offense to all the other women out there, but really?
Better than ME?
Not possible.
Not because they're any less than I, either, but because I am the ONLY ME & I am the best.
Period.
Only thing makes them any better than I is IF the man chooses to see more good in them than he was willing to in me.
Really. That's the way it works.
And I'm so tired of knowing all these amazing secrets of the universal way relationships work & continuing to be the "lesson learned" in their lives.
I want one to LAST.
Oh, dear God, help me here.
I'm so tired, so very tired.
And more than just cuz I haven't slept a wink all night.
More than just cuz I've been in extreme pain.
More than cuz he was in pain & I could do nothing to ease it.
More than any reason I can come up with.
So very tired.
So please bless me now, Father...
And let me listen to the song again & keep the hope of it's message...
Somehow.
And bless it to become some funky-cool prophecy, please.
Please??
I love Thee & him & I ache to please Thee both AND get what I KNOW will bring me ultimate happiness, Father... That's all I'm asking... A man who loves everything about me & will choose to stay with me forever, that's not too much to ask is it?? LOL, of course it is...n't! ;)
Love Thee, Father,
In Jesus' name I Thank Thee,
No Matter What,
Amen.
12 January, 2011
Okay, Fine.
Went to class. Nearly fell asleep 4,ooo times. Ate a Crisp Juan Burrito.
Now feel like spilling the truth:
I can see a real possibility here. More than usual.
The dude's TOGETHER. Really.
Like...
More than any other. By far.
Which is cool...
And kinda terrifying.
I didn't realize I had this pattern of fallin' for guys it woulda been a real challenge to be with, for whatever reasons, & that I used that *subconsciously, of course* as a "block" for it to ever really pan out.
O'course, I couldn't've really grasped this, until now, cuz I was also using my "technical divorce-in-progress" as a shield... Dang. When the truth wants to get your attention, it sure knocks loudly, eh?
Okay, so.
What does all this mean?
I have no idea.
BUT...
It COULD mean that I better get my tush in gear for the acceptance of the moving on of my life, into some sort of wonderful.
Cuz I need to follow his lead, is how I figure it, & if he's wanting, well...
I'm willing.
In more than some ethereal sense of the word.
He REALLY impresses me.
And more.
And he fetching wants 5 more kids!!
A ridiculously accurate resurrection of an old, dead dream of mine.
Okay.
Here we go:
I want all that good stuff.
I do.
I want the husband & the temple marriage & the cuddling & the glorious sex & the fun & the scripture study & the church going & the simplicity & the work & the joy & the talking & the listening & the knowing that someone's there & the trust & the tenderness & the music & the dreams & the goals & the connectedness & the support & the laughter & the food & the EXPERIENCE OF IT ALL!!!
Yep. I admit it.
I do.
Want.
That.
And, to be honest, there's been a bazillion guys lately, old & new & in-between, all good, all wanting me, to whatever degree, & I've been a bit overwhelmed & far too, hmmm, stimulated for my own good, but none of them...
Let's repeat that, shall we?
NONE OF THEM...
Have seemed READY to truly want me AND be able to "handle" me.
He makes it seem effortless.
Maybe it was/is. I don't know.
I'll ask him sometime. ;)
I hope I get the opportunity.
And there we dip back into my fear.
The very reason I wrote the previous post.
Heavens, I feel this... Angst.
Appropriate, I know. ;)
No, but seriously. He's like so so so good.
And so so so marvelously fun! =)
And TOGETHER. Shee-it. He's legitimate.
A REAL Man.
MAN, I tell you!! Like I deserve THAT! Hah!
Thought I did, thought I wanted it, still do, but...
All the garbage my ex-husband's said is now ringin' through my head...
How pathetic I am. What a mess. Ugh.
I know he's full of stinky stuff, but dude.
I cannot comprehend this MAN really, truly stickin' it out with me.
Like, I feel like a hassle already.
Not that I've done anything, but my body's done bearing children & I have a ton of debt & I feel like this little girl compared to him.
Well, not when I'm WITH him... ;)
Just when I'm doubting & fearing & being a real goober over such a joyful thing as even meeting him. Oh, man, I'm so gone already.
Fastest I've ever fallen.
With the least amount of interaction, even.
Sheist.
Funny thing is:
1) He knows all the main, messy details already & hasn't turned away.
2) I don't feel resistant the way I usually do. Like, 2%, comparatively.
3) I won't think he's an idiot if he doesn't choose me. *Odd.*
And I want to know sooner rather than later, but I'm being chill with the pace he's opting for. =) O'course, he's communicating with me daily... So that could be helping. ;)
Ach, heaven help me! I really, really, really, like him.
A lot.
You have no idea.
It's all calm & peaceful, with perfect hints of passion, with him.
I feel good & safe & calm & simple.
Which is a REALLY BIG deal. Really Big!!
Don't know what any of this means.... He could be another "stepping stone/lesson learned", I don't know. I'm cool with that, I guess, not really, but gotta respect him, y'know? If he doesn't want me I'M GONNA LISTEN THIS TIME!! Man, I was so bull-headed, before.
So bull-headed & thick-skulled.
That's me! ;)
K, well, I got more to say, but I'm soooooo tired & I think I'll go take a li'l nap before the Martin Luther King Jr. thingamabob in a bit...
All I know is this:
I love Heavenly Father so very much, & I feel that I've been blessed significantly with him dancin' into my life... And I'll be grateful now, instead of doubtful... I'll just relax into this fact:
I really, really, really like him.
=)))
Hope any of y'all are RELAXin' INTO YOUR BLESSINGS,
Angelina
Now feel like spilling the truth:
I can see a real possibility here. More than usual.
The dude's TOGETHER. Really.
Like...
More than any other. By far.
Which is cool...
And kinda terrifying.
I didn't realize I had this pattern of fallin' for guys it woulda been a real challenge to be with, for whatever reasons, & that I used that *subconsciously, of course* as a "block" for it to ever really pan out.
O'course, I couldn't've really grasped this, until now, cuz I was also using my "technical divorce-in-progress" as a shield... Dang. When the truth wants to get your attention, it sure knocks loudly, eh?
Okay, so.
What does all this mean?
I have no idea.
BUT...
It COULD mean that I better get my tush in gear for the acceptance of the moving on of my life, into some sort of wonderful.
Cuz I need to follow his lead, is how I figure it, & if he's wanting, well...
I'm willing.
In more than some ethereal sense of the word.
He REALLY impresses me.
And more.
And he fetching wants 5 more kids!!
A ridiculously accurate resurrection of an old, dead dream of mine.
Okay.
Here we go:
I want all that good stuff.
I do.
I want the husband & the temple marriage & the cuddling & the glorious sex & the fun & the scripture study & the church going & the simplicity & the work & the joy & the talking & the listening & the knowing that someone's there & the trust & the tenderness & the music & the dreams & the goals & the connectedness & the support & the laughter & the food & the EXPERIENCE OF IT ALL!!!
Yep. I admit it.
I do.
Want.
That.
And, to be honest, there's been a bazillion guys lately, old & new & in-between, all good, all wanting me, to whatever degree, & I've been a bit overwhelmed & far too, hmmm, stimulated for my own good, but none of them...
Let's repeat that, shall we?
NONE OF THEM...
Have seemed READY to truly want me AND be able to "handle" me.
He makes it seem effortless.
Maybe it was/is. I don't know.
I'll ask him sometime. ;)
I hope I get the opportunity.
And there we dip back into my fear.
The very reason I wrote the previous post.
Heavens, I feel this... Angst.
Appropriate, I know. ;)
No, but seriously. He's like so so so good.
And so so so marvelously fun! =)
And TOGETHER. Shee-it. He's legitimate.
A REAL Man.
MAN, I tell you!! Like I deserve THAT! Hah!
Thought I did, thought I wanted it, still do, but...
All the garbage my ex-husband's said is now ringin' through my head...
How pathetic I am. What a mess. Ugh.
I know he's full of stinky stuff, but dude.
I cannot comprehend this MAN really, truly stickin' it out with me.
Like, I feel like a hassle already.
Not that I've done anything, but my body's done bearing children & I have a ton of debt & I feel like this little girl compared to him.
Well, not when I'm WITH him... ;)
Just when I'm doubting & fearing & being a real goober over such a joyful thing as even meeting him. Oh, man, I'm so gone already.
Fastest I've ever fallen.
With the least amount of interaction, even.
Sheist.
Funny thing is:
1) He knows all the main, messy details already & hasn't turned away.
2) I don't feel resistant the way I usually do. Like, 2%, comparatively.
3) I won't think he's an idiot if he doesn't choose me. *Odd.*
And I want to know sooner rather than later, but I'm being chill with the pace he's opting for. =) O'course, he's communicating with me daily... So that could be helping. ;)
Ach, heaven help me! I really, really, really, like him.
A lot.
You have no idea.
It's all calm & peaceful, with perfect hints of passion, with him.
I feel good & safe & calm & simple.
Which is a REALLY BIG deal. Really Big!!
Don't know what any of this means.... He could be another "stepping stone/lesson learned", I don't know. I'm cool with that, I guess, not really, but gotta respect him, y'know? If he doesn't want me I'M GONNA LISTEN THIS TIME!! Man, I was so bull-headed, before.
So bull-headed & thick-skulled.
That's me! ;)
K, well, I got more to say, but I'm soooooo tired & I think I'll go take a li'l nap before the Martin Luther King Jr. thingamabob in a bit...
All I know is this:
I love Heavenly Father so very much, & I feel that I've been blessed significantly with him dancin' into my life... And I'll be grateful now, instead of doubtful... I'll just relax into this fact:
I really, really, really like him.
=)))
Hope any of y'all are RELAXin' INTO YOUR BLESSINGS,
Angelina
New Year, New Choices.
I am so cranky today.
Or maybe it's just upset or frustrated, I'm not sure.
This new year has been so awesome & intense...
I swear I've already experienced 2 months, not just 2 weeks!!
Thing is: I've really nothin' to be upset over, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I've things to be cranky over, that can't be helped at this point in time, but the upset that's goin' on is completely perplexing to me.
WHAT. IS. MY. DEAL?
I feel like a 2 yr old...
Want what I want when I want it.
And, right now? Want to KNOW.
KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW.
And want to cuss & scream & kick & SOMETHIN'... I don't know...
Just FREAK OUT, I guess.
I feel all this stuff shifting, don't ask me what, I'm not fully sure, & I KNOW my life's on the cusp of this incredible change, that's been long in coming, but I don't know the details & I feel this FEAR, yet I know there's NO REASON to be afraid.
Ugh.
LOATHE THIS feeling!! Just want to be held.
No one to do it.
Or, rather, no one close enough that I would feel safe & comfy enough to let hug me, not while in this fragile emotional state.
Aaaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh!
Pictures of the past haunt me, & I know I'll see my babies this weekend, but...
Just doesn't seem ENOUGH!
And then I feel like a heel, for God has been so GOOD to me, dumping out the blessings, lately, even more than I've ever noticed before, & I've always noticed a significant amount of help from Him comin' my way... SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??
Damn.
I love everyone & I love myself & I love God & Christ...
What's this self-destruction temper-tantrum garbage I've suddenly got goin' on?!
I AM grateful.
I AM hoping.
I AM counting my blessings.
I AM whatever else...
I can't even THINK, honestly, I'm so sleep-deprived.
I'm all emotion & it's not the worst I've ever felt, but it's not the best, & I've a class in ten minutes & I'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP!!!
Okay, here it is:
The main thought coming to me:
Is he for real?
Am I delusional?
Did I create all the details in a sleep-deprived funk, so I could handle all the past junk, & get through the night?
He said he wanted me to be sure I spent time with him well-rested SO I WOULD KNOW WHETHER I LIKED HIM FOR REAL & I reassured him that that wasn't as issue, yet now it's all the devil's got... To try & get me to disbelieve in the dude's sincerity/reality.
And I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna be a freak-out queen...
But the urge is strong.
He is sooo good.
And I felt safe & comfortable.
He goes to the temple once a week.
And I want that.
He kept his word.
And I was impressed, but now am terrified.
I need to chill.
But feel so...
So...
I don't know.
Like, I WANT to PUSH him AWAY.
How screwed up is that?
Like I WANT to see if he's a pansy that'll tuck his tail between his legs & scuttle off, the way I feel others have.
Though, if I'm honest with myself, I did JUST REALIZE LAST NIGHT, through an old & dear friend, that the men in my life haven't been as pansy-assed as I previously thought...
I really am pretty darn intense AND hard to resist AND they can't think straight around me. SO they do things that looked pansy-ass-ish to ME, but REALLY... They weren't so weak.
Oh, dear God, I gotta go to class. All I wanna do is rant & rave & resolve all this whatever-it-is right here & now, over blog... But I'm gonna go to class, instead. Please, dear Father, help me. Bless me to release this unnecessary intensity & doubt. Please bless me NOT to do anything stupid, if at all beyond-humanly-since-I-AM-asking-Thee-for-help-possible, & protect me from my own completely irrational emotions. Thank Thee, Father, for ALL, & I'm sorry I don't feel head-over-heels-grateful right now... In Jesus' name, Amen.
Or maybe it's just upset or frustrated, I'm not sure.
This new year has been so awesome & intense...
I swear I've already experienced 2 months, not just 2 weeks!!
Thing is: I've really nothin' to be upset over, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I've things to be cranky over, that can't be helped at this point in time, but the upset that's goin' on is completely perplexing to me.
WHAT. IS. MY. DEAL?
I feel like a 2 yr old...
Want what I want when I want it.
And, right now? Want to KNOW.
KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW. KNOW.
And want to cuss & scream & kick & SOMETHIN'... I don't know...
Just FREAK OUT, I guess.
I feel all this stuff shifting, don't ask me what, I'm not fully sure, & I KNOW my life's on the cusp of this incredible change, that's been long in coming, but I don't know the details & I feel this FEAR, yet I know there's NO REASON to be afraid.
Ugh.
LOATHE THIS feeling!! Just want to be held.
No one to do it.
Or, rather, no one close enough that I would feel safe & comfy enough to let hug me, not while in this fragile emotional state.
Aaaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh!
Pictures of the past haunt me, & I know I'll see my babies this weekend, but...
Just doesn't seem ENOUGH!
And then I feel like a heel, for God has been so GOOD to me, dumping out the blessings, lately, even more than I've ever noticed before, & I've always noticed a significant amount of help from Him comin' my way... SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??
Damn.
I love everyone & I love myself & I love God & Christ...
What's this self-destruction temper-tantrum garbage I've suddenly got goin' on?!
I AM grateful.
I AM hoping.
I AM counting my blessings.
I AM whatever else...
I can't even THINK, honestly, I'm so sleep-deprived.
I'm all emotion & it's not the worst I've ever felt, but it's not the best, & I've a class in ten minutes & I'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP!!!
Okay, here it is:
The main thought coming to me:
Is he for real?
Am I delusional?
Did I create all the details in a sleep-deprived funk, so I could handle all the past junk, & get through the night?
He said he wanted me to be sure I spent time with him well-rested SO I WOULD KNOW WHETHER I LIKED HIM FOR REAL & I reassured him that that wasn't as issue, yet now it's all the devil's got... To try & get me to disbelieve in the dude's sincerity/reality.
And I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna be a freak-out queen...
But the urge is strong.
He is sooo good.
And I felt safe & comfortable.
He goes to the temple once a week.
And I want that.
He kept his word.
And I was impressed, but now am terrified.
I need to chill.
But feel so...
So...
I don't know.
Like, I WANT to PUSH him AWAY.
How screwed up is that?
Like I WANT to see if he's a pansy that'll tuck his tail between his legs & scuttle off, the way I feel others have.
Though, if I'm honest with myself, I did JUST REALIZE LAST NIGHT, through an old & dear friend, that the men in my life haven't been as pansy-assed as I previously thought...
I really am pretty darn intense AND hard to resist AND they can't think straight around me. SO they do things that looked pansy-ass-ish to ME, but REALLY... They weren't so weak.
Oh, dear God, I gotta go to class. All I wanna do is rant & rave & resolve all this whatever-it-is right here & now, over blog... But I'm gonna go to class, instead. Please, dear Father, help me. Bless me to release this unnecessary intensity & doubt. Please bless me NOT to do anything stupid, if at all beyond-humanly-since-I-AM-asking-Thee-for-help-possible, & protect me from my own completely irrational emotions. Thank Thee, Father, for ALL, & I'm sorry I don't feel head-over-heels-grateful right now... In Jesus' name, Amen.
23 December, 2010
So It IS Possible!! Kind of...
Ach, the pain is so bittersweet!! Who knew??!
*Oh, yeah... God did. Dirty rotten scoundrel...*
Ugh. I hate this.
Okay, so...
It IS Possible.
So this is good.
Right?
That I know now...
There is one TRULY GOOD man out there.
He plopped dead center onto my radar, & proved his goodness over & over -through some SERIOUS INTENSITY, heavens above- so I KNOW that they DO exist.
AND can "turn more than the music on".
MUCH, MUCH more.
And that's good news.
Right?
Yep, pretty sure it is.
Just doesn't FEEL like it right now.
At all.
Cuz...
Apparently. =/
Even the TRULY GOOD men are complete morons.
ARE THEY all THIS WAY???
DID GOD CREATE THEM AS MORONS ON PURPOSE?!
Is this seriously just a part of men's WIRING?
To be SO moronic??
To want & want & want something, then when IT SHOWS UP...
Realize they don't ACTUALLY WANT it??
Is it a genetic defect that is in the Y chromosome?
Or is that just another thing to add to my list?
#37: Please, God, I've finally really grasped that very intelligent men can be completely moronic... Could I have a man that's not a moron, please? I'll be really good this year. Promise. I just want a non-moronic man, is all... That's not asking too much, is it? I mean, I just want one who chooses joy over junk, gratitude over guilt, love over loss, trust over temporary, friendship over fear, passion over pretending, satisfaction over sadness, deliciousness over doubt, & new-ness over nothing-ness!! Aaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!
Sheesh, I could obviously go on AND ON AND ON AND ON with all the things I'D rather choose... And would prefer a man who would ALSO choose such things... BUT THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND -not that I was looking, but that's beside the point- EVEN AMONGST THE MOST INTELLIGENT, STRONG, GENEROUS, PASSIONATE, & PHENOMENALLY GOOD ONES!!!
How this is my reality, I just don't know.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
*And I CHOOSE to FOCUS on the POSITIVE.
Darn it all to petootskies! ;) Ugh, that was disgusting.
What I meant was: Damn it all to hell!!!*
So.
Positive:
I now KNOW that there are REAL...
Truly GOOD...
AND PASSIONATE...
MEN out there.
That can match me step for step.
*Well, for a while, anyway... =/*
Whatever. Progress has been made.
CUZ I F-ing SAY SO!!!
GOOD will OCCUR FROM all THIS AWARENESS, Dammit!!
SURELY there is ONE out there that will have ALL the above qualities & NOT BE a moron.
And I'm "weeding them out" faster & faster, so that's GOOD.
And I'm "getting over" them faster & faster, too.
*Though I'm rather curious of how this particular situation is going to effect me... Like, how long it will take, if ever, I'll be truly okay with having glimpsed what I glimpsed & then being told "no, sorry, I know that glimpse was better by 40, 000 million times what your experiences were in the past, but it's still just a glimpse, cuz there's no security in forever yet for you, m'dear, sorry. But you'll be fine, right? I mean, that's what you do is 'handle everything so well', right? So, what's the heartache for, honey? I mean, honestly. You're so strong you can handle being raped, choked, abandoned, threatened to be killed, smothered, neglected, dismissed, homeless, poverty-stricken, separated from your children, broken & beaten & more... What does this li'l ol' crazy guy mean compared to all that? You're being melodramatic & ridiculous, darlin', cuz he's not that bigga deal... Go read a book, eat something, clean your room, not in any particular order, & you'll be fine tomorrow. No big deal. Forever will be found in some other guy, some better guy, someone who's not a moron like all the rest, so you're going to be so much better off. You just wait & see!! You're so special God's preparing the very, very best for you... And he'll be a hundred billion times better than this one, honey, I promise. K? So stop feeling like it's the end of the world, you know very well it's not, & keep a stiff upper lip in public, & everything's gonna be just fine. Better than fine. Wonderful. It'll all be so wonderful you can barely imagine!"
And to all that -the loop of words that I've heard so many times I don't even need anyone to remind me anymore, I've got them memorized-
I say:
WHAT KIND OF STUPID-ASS MORON ARE YOU??
DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SOME OTHER, RANDOM GUY OUT THERE?! WELL, I DON'T! AND THE ONLY REASON I'LL HAVE TO SOMEDAY IS BECAUSE THIS ONE -AND THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE- DECIDED HE DOESN'T WANT ME AS MUCH AS I WANT HIM!!
I AM NEVER ENOUGH!!
OR TOO DAMN MUCH!!!
I LOVE AND LOVE AND UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE AND SHARE AND GROW AND GET MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY YEAR...
BUT IT'S EITHER NOT ENOUGH OR TOO MUCH.
AND THEY SAY THEY WANT THIS, & I HAPPEN TO BE THAT EXACT THING, THEN THEY GET IT/ME THAT WAY, AND THEY REALIZE THEY DON'T REALLY WANT "THIS" ANYMORE AFTER ALL!
OOPS.
MEN DON'T WANT REAL WOMEN!
THEY WANT FANTASIES.
AND I AM NOT A FANTASY, UNFORTUNATELY, THOUGH I AM A FULFILLMENT OF MANY OF THEM. QUITE FREQUENTLY, I'VE DISCOVERED.
AND GETTING BETTER & BETTER AT HONESTLY BEING THE POSSIBILITY/REALITY OF THE FULFILLMENT OF, APPARENTLY, EVERY SINGLE RED-BLOODED MAN'S FANTASIES, ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH, BUT WHO CARES???!!?
I don't want every man on earth.
Just one.
And I don't want to fulfill anyone's fantasies anymore, that they then come to realize they don't actually want.
I can't do this anymore.
No joke.
Give & give the truth of who I am... And always be found wanting.
Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
If they had real reasons, like my friend John, then that'd be fine.
I can handle that.
"Sorry, Ang, I love you & all, but I just know that I want a more docile-type of woman, you know what I mean? A li'l more submission & a li'l less sass is really my preferred style... Sorry, luv."
I CAN HANDLE THAT JUST FINE!!
IF I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT THEN GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING HONEST AND RECOGNIZING THAT! I DON'T WANT YOU WITH ME IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT ME THE WAY I AM, YOU KNOW?
But when you love all there is about me...
How can you let ANYTHING get in the way of the security of eternity??
I just don't understand.
And it hurts so much...
So much.
Way much more than I'm sure this particular experience was meant to, yet that's the way it is right now, so... I guess God knew, saw this coming, prepared a way, & will help me thaw my aching, frozen heart...
One o' these days.
And add that #37 to the man of my future...
And all will be blissfully well with us.
I'm sure.
Uh-huh. Do you believe me? Oh, good. Me, too.
Yep.
Mm-hmmm.
*Yeah, I don't lie well anymore. Not even to myself. But I've already cussed enough for those sensitive souls out there, so... The lie will need to stand...*
I'm just fine, & all is well, & I know I'll love someone else more someday.
Hope all y'all's night is filled with happiness this Holiday season,
Angelina
Adora Angelina
Which means Adorable li'l Angel...
Uh-huh.
Adorable.
Used to love that word.
Adorable li'l Angel my Ass.
Good Night All, sorry I'm not everything you ever hoped I'd be...
I do my best.
*Oh, yeah... God did. Dirty rotten scoundrel...*
Ugh. I hate this.
Okay, so...
It IS Possible.
So this is good.
Right?
That I know now...
There is one TRULY GOOD man out there.
He plopped dead center onto my radar, & proved his goodness over & over -through some SERIOUS INTENSITY, heavens above- so I KNOW that they DO exist.
AND can "turn more than the music on".
MUCH, MUCH more.
And that's good news.
Right?
Yep, pretty sure it is.
Just doesn't FEEL like it right now.
At all.
Cuz...
Apparently. =/
Even the TRULY GOOD men are complete morons.
ARE THEY all THIS WAY???
DID GOD CREATE THEM AS MORONS ON PURPOSE?!
Is this seriously just a part of men's WIRING?
To be SO moronic??
To want & want & want something, then when IT SHOWS UP...
Realize they don't ACTUALLY WANT it??
Is it a genetic defect that is in the Y chromosome?
Or is that just another thing to add to my list?
#37: Please, God, I've finally really grasped that very intelligent men can be completely moronic... Could I have a man that's not a moron, please? I'll be really good this year. Promise. I just want a non-moronic man, is all... That's not asking too much, is it? I mean, I just want one who chooses joy over junk, gratitude over guilt, love over loss, trust over temporary, friendship over fear, passion over pretending, satisfaction over sadness, deliciousness over doubt, & new-ness over nothing-ness!! Aaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!
Sheesh, I could obviously go on AND ON AND ON AND ON with all the things I'D rather choose... And would prefer a man who would ALSO choose such things... BUT THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND -not that I was looking, but that's beside the point- EVEN AMONGST THE MOST INTELLIGENT, STRONG, GENEROUS, PASSIONATE, & PHENOMENALLY GOOD ONES!!!
How this is my reality, I just don't know.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
*And I CHOOSE to FOCUS on the POSITIVE.
Darn it all to petootskies! ;) Ugh, that was disgusting.
What I meant was: Damn it all to hell!!!*
So.
Positive:
I now KNOW that there are REAL...
Truly GOOD...
AND PASSIONATE...
MEN out there.
That can match me step for step.
*Well, for a while, anyway... =/*
Whatever. Progress has been made.
CUZ I F-ing SAY SO!!!
GOOD will OCCUR FROM all THIS AWARENESS, Dammit!!
SURELY there is ONE out there that will have ALL the above qualities & NOT BE a moron.
And I'm "weeding them out" faster & faster, so that's GOOD.
And I'm "getting over" them faster & faster, too.
*Though I'm rather curious of how this particular situation is going to effect me... Like, how long it will take, if ever, I'll be truly okay with having glimpsed what I glimpsed & then being told "no, sorry, I know that glimpse was better by 40, 000 million times what your experiences were in the past, but it's still just a glimpse, cuz there's no security in forever yet for you, m'dear, sorry. But you'll be fine, right? I mean, that's what you do is 'handle everything so well', right? So, what's the heartache for, honey? I mean, honestly. You're so strong you can handle being raped, choked, abandoned, threatened to be killed, smothered, neglected, dismissed, homeless, poverty-stricken, separated from your children, broken & beaten & more... What does this li'l ol' crazy guy mean compared to all that? You're being melodramatic & ridiculous, darlin', cuz he's not that bigga deal... Go read a book, eat something, clean your room, not in any particular order, & you'll be fine tomorrow. No big deal. Forever will be found in some other guy, some better guy, someone who's not a moron like all the rest, so you're going to be so much better off. You just wait & see!! You're so special God's preparing the very, very best for you... And he'll be a hundred billion times better than this one, honey, I promise. K? So stop feeling like it's the end of the world, you know very well it's not, & keep a stiff upper lip in public, & everything's gonna be just fine. Better than fine. Wonderful. It'll all be so wonderful you can barely imagine!"
And to all that -the loop of words that I've heard so many times I don't even need anyone to remind me anymore, I've got them memorized-
I say:
WHAT KIND OF STUPID-ASS MORON ARE YOU??
DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SOME OTHER, RANDOM GUY OUT THERE?! WELL, I DON'T! AND THE ONLY REASON I'LL HAVE TO SOMEDAY IS BECAUSE THIS ONE -AND THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE & THE ONE BEFORE- DECIDED HE DOESN'T WANT ME AS MUCH AS I WANT HIM!!
I AM NEVER ENOUGH!!
OR TOO DAMN MUCH!!!
I LOVE AND LOVE AND UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE AND SHARE AND GROW AND GET MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY YEAR...
BUT IT'S EITHER NOT ENOUGH OR TOO MUCH.
AND THEY SAY THEY WANT THIS, & I HAPPEN TO BE THAT EXACT THING, THEN THEY GET IT/ME THAT WAY, AND THEY REALIZE THEY DON'T REALLY WANT "THIS" ANYMORE AFTER ALL!
OOPS.
MEN DON'T WANT REAL WOMEN!
THEY WANT FANTASIES.
AND I AM NOT A FANTASY, UNFORTUNATELY, THOUGH I AM A FULFILLMENT OF MANY OF THEM. QUITE FREQUENTLY, I'VE DISCOVERED.
AND GETTING BETTER & BETTER AT HONESTLY BEING THE POSSIBILITY/REALITY OF THE FULFILLMENT OF, APPARENTLY, EVERY SINGLE RED-BLOODED MAN'S FANTASIES, ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH, BUT WHO CARES???!!?
I don't want every man on earth.
Just one.
And I don't want to fulfill anyone's fantasies anymore, that they then come to realize they don't actually want.
I can't do this anymore.
No joke.
Give & give the truth of who I am... And always be found wanting.
Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
If they had real reasons, like my friend John, then that'd be fine.
I can handle that.
"Sorry, Ang, I love you & all, but I just know that I want a more docile-type of woman, you know what I mean? A li'l more submission & a li'l less sass is really my preferred style... Sorry, luv."
I CAN HANDLE THAT JUST FINE!!
IF I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT THEN GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING HONEST AND RECOGNIZING THAT! I DON'T WANT YOU WITH ME IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT ME THE WAY I AM, YOU KNOW?
But when you love all there is about me...
How can you let ANYTHING get in the way of the security of eternity??
I just don't understand.
And it hurts so much...
So much.
Way much more than I'm sure this particular experience was meant to, yet that's the way it is right now, so... I guess God knew, saw this coming, prepared a way, & will help me thaw my aching, frozen heart...
One o' these days.
And add that #37 to the man of my future...
And all will be blissfully well with us.
I'm sure.
Uh-huh. Do you believe me? Oh, good. Me, too.
Yep.
Mm-hmmm.
*Yeah, I don't lie well anymore. Not even to myself. But I've already cussed enough for those sensitive souls out there, so... The lie will need to stand...*
I'm just fine, & all is well, & I know I'll love someone else more someday.
Hope all y'all's night is filled with happiness this Holiday season,
Angelina
Adora Angelina
Which means Adorable li'l Angel...
Uh-huh.
Adorable.
Used to love that word.
Adorable li'l Angel my Ass.
Good Night All, sorry I'm not everything you ever hoped I'd be...
I do my best.
14 December, 2010
InDescribable...
The feeling that currently resides within me is so utterly complex...
Yet simple.
I'm sure I'll type & type, whether it be for minutes or hours...
There's no chance I'll describe the experience adequately.
And that's okay.
I'm good with that.
=)
Which is quite a miracle, I must say...
Considering all that's gone on lately.
Ahhhh, a deep breath.
What a gift.
Thank you, Emily, for the gift of your life...
To remind me to value mine.
Not that I wasn't, but there's always room for improvement, right?
I mean, really.
I've had plenty of reasons to be, at the very least, dismayed...
And it's time I stopped such silliness.
Especially because I have now finished a semester of college.
=)
Even through all that has occurred.
I DID IT!! I MADE IT THROUGH!! I FINISHED!!
I KEPT GOING, NO MATTER WHAT, & I DID IT!!!
I FINISHED, FINISHED, FINISHED!!
What a joy!
The pain I've felt lately does not flee but takes it's appropriate place backstage, gratefully stepping aside as joy lights up the center...
And I cannot fully express all the emotions concurrently evoked.
With music coursing through these earbuds & flowing gently through my body, with nowhere I need to be & nothing pressing to do, with the promise of lunch around the corner... I find myself relaxing to a degree I've not had the luxury of in months.
=)
This is heaven.
Knowing I am a person of depth.
Capable of excruciating pain upon the loss of a loved one.
Having continued on in my school endeavors.
Though all hell broke loose against me.
Feeling as a capable adult must.
Once accomplished in a particular area.
Flowing along with musical creations of satisfaction.
Dictating my own expressions to my fingers.
Knowing I've many I can turn to.
When I get ready to be social today.
Being perfectly content to experience all this alone.
=)
Hhhhmmmm...
Life is rich & deep & full & penetrating & agonizing & glorious & mind-numbing & breath-taking & validating & torturous & marvelous & exhausting & I'm glad I'm a part of it ALL.
Ach, & now the pain re-takes center...
=(
Emily was going through school, as well.
She'll not finish.
My heart aches for the loss of her contribution, though I feel her personal contribution continuing to effect my heart, mind, & life.
Every day I realize one more valuable gift she gave me, so she keeps on giving, even after death, & I pray I'll be the same when I'm gone...
Ahh, but I know she'd not want me to dwell upon it.
So I'll cry a bit & release this pain...
Allowing room for peace, pleasure, & gratitude to light up the day.
=/
Much has been accomplished.
Much will be celebrated.
=)
Thank Thee, Father, for ALL Thou hast given.
And I pray I remember.
Always.
Grateful for the miracle of my life...
Praying for others to recognize their own miracles,
Angelina
Yet simple.
I'm sure I'll type & type, whether it be for minutes or hours...
There's no chance I'll describe the experience adequately.
And that's okay.
I'm good with that.
=)
Which is quite a miracle, I must say...
Considering all that's gone on lately.
Ahhhh, a deep breath.
What a gift.
Thank you, Emily, for the gift of your life...
To remind me to value mine.
Not that I wasn't, but there's always room for improvement, right?
I mean, really.
I've had plenty of reasons to be, at the very least, dismayed...
And it's time I stopped such silliness.
Especially because I have now finished a semester of college.
=)
Even through all that has occurred.
I DID IT!! I MADE IT THROUGH!! I FINISHED!!
I KEPT GOING, NO MATTER WHAT, & I DID IT!!!
I FINISHED, FINISHED, FINISHED!!
What a joy!
The pain I've felt lately does not flee but takes it's appropriate place backstage, gratefully stepping aside as joy lights up the center...
And I cannot fully express all the emotions concurrently evoked.
With music coursing through these earbuds & flowing gently through my body, with nowhere I need to be & nothing pressing to do, with the promise of lunch around the corner... I find myself relaxing to a degree I've not had the luxury of in months.
=)
This is heaven.
Knowing I am a person of depth.
Capable of excruciating pain upon the loss of a loved one.
Having continued on in my school endeavors.
Though all hell broke loose against me.
Feeling as a capable adult must.
Once accomplished in a particular area.
Flowing along with musical creations of satisfaction.
Dictating my own expressions to my fingers.
Knowing I've many I can turn to.
When I get ready to be social today.
Being perfectly content to experience all this alone.
=)
Hhhhmmmm...
Life is rich & deep & full & penetrating & agonizing & glorious & mind-numbing & breath-taking & validating & torturous & marvelous & exhausting & I'm glad I'm a part of it ALL.
Ach, & now the pain re-takes center...
=(
Emily was going through school, as well.
She'll not finish.
My heart aches for the loss of her contribution, though I feel her personal contribution continuing to effect my heart, mind, & life.
Every day I realize one more valuable gift she gave me, so she keeps on giving, even after death, & I pray I'll be the same when I'm gone...
Ahh, but I know she'd not want me to dwell upon it.
So I'll cry a bit & release this pain...
Allowing room for peace, pleasure, & gratitude to light up the day.
=/
Much has been accomplished.
Much will be celebrated.
=)
Thank Thee, Father, for ALL Thou hast given.
And I pray I remember.
Always.
Grateful for the miracle of my life...
Praying for others to recognize their own miracles,
Angelina
02 December, 2010
She's Dead.
Dead, as in no longer alive.
Dead, as in no longer with us.
Dead, as in DEAD.
My dear, dear, Emily is dead.
Dead, dead, DEAD.
And I feel I may die.
I know I won't, & that it's preposterous, really.
But I feel that way, nonetheless.
Logically, I know she's in a better place, since her body was so wasted, & was simply housing pain & suffering, these last few months.
But that logical reasoning makes no difference to my emotions.
Emotionally, I feel numb & grief & disbelief all at the same time.
Which causes me physically to feel very confused.
My stomach is particularly perplexed... "Am I supposed to vomit, or not? Seems like there's a reason to, yet there's no reason whatsoever at the same time. Am I supposed to vomit or not?!!!!"
As I typed to my professors a few minutes ago, "...words tend to be my anesthesia of choice..." & so I sit here typing, though it would be wise to eat, or do homework, or have attended my SI, or SOMETHING GOOD FOR MY LONG-TERM WELL-BEING!!! But, no. I turn to the keyboard. And frantically type away. Hoping, somehow, this frenzied activity will stop the two sentences that have been ringing through my mind since Emily's sister called... "This hurts so bad. My Emily's dead. She's dead. Gone. My Emily." AND THE REALLY UGLY ONE "I don't have time for this. I've got homework to do. It's the end of the semester. I can't afford to feel this way." Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!
My fingers just lay frozen upon the keyboard for several minutes... And I stared at them, willing them to move...
"Move, Dammit! Don't stop now!" but they just sat there.
Until, finally, my pinky twitched & hit the enter key & they were freed, somehow, to type again... But to type what?
THERE ARE NO WORDS!!
WORDS MEAN NOTHING!!
THIS IS AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY, TO ATTEMPT TO LAY WORDS DOWN THAT WILL SOMEHOW PORTRAY WHAT I'M FEELING!!!
But I'll keep on typing, 'til I'm drained of whatever it is that needs to be let go of, because I know not what else to do.
Eat?
Are you kidding me.
My stomach's protesting the information it's currently digesting, food would only complicate matters.
Do homework?
Again with the joking.
My hands keep freezing up & my eyes stare into space & there's wave after wave of grief & numbness coursing through my brain & body, how anything intelligent could come from me, upon any other subject, at this point in time, is completely unbeknownst to me.
Call my mother?
I don't think so.
She'll just feel so badly for me, & whatever, that it'll make me want to cry, but I don't think I can, so I'll just feel worse & worse.
Cry?
How.
I cried when I first found out, but was surrounded by strangers on campus, so I battled the emotions & now they're lodged inside somewhere & I don't know what it'll take to free them.
**Except I know it doesn't happen to be my mother. ;)**
Smile & Joke?
Maybe a smidge.
Not really. Though the above bit was slightly humorous to me... So I'll put a smiley face after this sentence as well. =) But does that actually DO anything? Not really. Not yet, anyway. Sure it will help later.
Sure all these ideas will help later.
Including many others. Like talking to friends, hula hooping, reading a novel, having a snowfight, coloring with my children **they'll be here within 24 hours!!**, making brownies for the physical therapy guys... **That these things are coming to my mind at all is a good sign. =)**
One at a time, I'll do each thing on my little list, & life will continue on, & I'll even find satisfaction & eventual joy in them again...
But, right now? I can't think of anything at all.
Anything at all that could possibly make me feel better.
**Though getting my homework done would be an immense stress relief, so I suppose THAT WOULD help me feel better. ;)**
Oh, I was funny semi-voluntarily... That's another good sign, I think. =)
Yay for me, & I bet Emily's pleased...
She really wouldn't want me to mope for long, I know that, but sheesh. This sucks.
And how is her family doing??? I cannot even imagine.
And her good husband?! Ach, it kills me. He loves her so much!!
And her children?? This is torture.
Life goes on, but I wish it'd stop for a while.
Give us time to get used to the idea of life without Emily in it. Then start up again, when we're a little more acclimated to the idea.
Oh, how my heart aches! How I've missed her already, these last few months, & now to know I'll not talk to her again MY WHOLE LIFE!?!!
The thought is EXCRUCIATING!
Yet it is reality.
And I better accept it, or it'll be an even harder "row to hoe".
Thing about Emily is, she LOVED life. Every aspect of it.
And she wouldn't want me wasting ANY of my life lamenting over hers, when she had such a good one AND wants ME to have such a good one, as well.
Besides, she was in pretty intense pain & is much better off now, without it, than she would be if she were still residing in her mortal frame.
Whatever, there's that logic again.
WHAT.EVER!
I JUST WANT MY EMILY!!
SHE'S MY DEAREST EMILY, & THE ONLY ONE LIKE HER, & SHE'S BEEN A CONSTANT IN MY LIFE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!!
ALWAYS THERE when I needed her, EVERY SINGLE TIME, & ALWAYS had something perfectly Emily-like to say!!!
ALWAYS TRUE to herself & honest & open & loving & generous & intelligent & UNIQUE, dammit!!
Now the tears fall.
So I did the dishes.
And cried.
'Til the tears dried up.
Long before the dishes will.
Ach, this hurts.
She was ALWAYS there! And now she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN!!
She even lived in the same damn house each of the fifteen years I've known her! And married the same man she was with when we were together as kids! And stayed the same, beautifully fabulous EMILY, that whole time!! No deception, no dismissals, no discrimination.
Just pure Emily... Loving me. Supporting me. Understanding me.
And staying safe, steady, & stable.
For me.
Whether she knew it or not, she was that way FOR ME!!
Dear God, how could it have been "her time to go"??
And how will I ever be whole without her here, physically? And if the loss of her physical presence cuts me so deeply, how will her family, husband, & children deal??
I KNOW I'll see her again, Father, that's not the issue. And I KNOW she's happier & better off than she would've been if she'd stayed.
And I DO trust in Thy timing & all that jibberdy-jazz. I do.
I just DO NOT KNOW HOW I'm going to be okay with all this.
How do people do it?? How did Tara, when her mom died? How did my dad when his mom died? How did Nelly when her son died? No wonder she was such a miserable person. I've struggled sooo much, without my kids with me all the time, yet each one is still alive! And Emily's death is kickin' my trash right about now, but she's "just" a friend.
**Stupid sentence, if there ever was one!**
Dear God, help me through this.
And Emily's family, husband, & kids. Not to mention Donna & all others that love Emily so!! Oh, how I hurt for us all!!
Hugs may be going round in heaven...
To celebrate her return.
But the hugs that are going round on earth are being desperately given...
To keep us from feeling alone.
Because the world is far emptier without her here.
And "alone" is the way we feel...
After a life like hers has passed from us.
Dead, as in no longer with us.
Dead, as in DEAD.
My dear, dear, Emily is dead.
Dead, dead, DEAD.
And I feel I may die.
I know I won't, & that it's preposterous, really.
But I feel that way, nonetheless.
Logically, I know she's in a better place, since her body was so wasted, & was simply housing pain & suffering, these last few months.
But that logical reasoning makes no difference to my emotions.
Emotionally, I feel numb & grief & disbelief all at the same time.
Which causes me physically to feel very confused.
My stomach is particularly perplexed... "Am I supposed to vomit, or not? Seems like there's a reason to, yet there's no reason whatsoever at the same time. Am I supposed to vomit or not?!!!!"
As I typed to my professors a few minutes ago, "...words tend to be my anesthesia of choice..." & so I sit here typing, though it would be wise to eat, or do homework, or have attended my SI, or SOMETHING GOOD FOR MY LONG-TERM WELL-BEING!!! But, no. I turn to the keyboard. And frantically type away. Hoping, somehow, this frenzied activity will stop the two sentences that have been ringing through my mind since Emily's sister called... "This hurts so bad. My Emily's dead. She's dead. Gone. My Emily." AND THE REALLY UGLY ONE "I don't have time for this. I've got homework to do. It's the end of the semester. I can't afford to feel this way." Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!
My fingers just lay frozen upon the keyboard for several minutes... And I stared at them, willing them to move...
"Move, Dammit! Don't stop now!" but they just sat there.
Until, finally, my pinky twitched & hit the enter key & they were freed, somehow, to type again... But to type what?
THERE ARE NO WORDS!!
WORDS MEAN NOTHING!!
THIS IS AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY, TO ATTEMPT TO LAY WORDS DOWN THAT WILL SOMEHOW PORTRAY WHAT I'M FEELING!!!
But I'll keep on typing, 'til I'm drained of whatever it is that needs to be let go of, because I know not what else to do.
Eat?
Are you kidding me.
My stomach's protesting the information it's currently digesting, food would only complicate matters.
Do homework?
Again with the joking.
My hands keep freezing up & my eyes stare into space & there's wave after wave of grief & numbness coursing through my brain & body, how anything intelligent could come from me, upon any other subject, at this point in time, is completely unbeknownst to me.
Call my mother?
I don't think so.
She'll just feel so badly for me, & whatever, that it'll make me want to cry, but I don't think I can, so I'll just feel worse & worse.
Cry?
How.
I cried when I first found out, but was surrounded by strangers on campus, so I battled the emotions & now they're lodged inside somewhere & I don't know what it'll take to free them.
**Except I know it doesn't happen to be my mother. ;)**
Smile & Joke?
Maybe a smidge.
Not really. Though the above bit was slightly humorous to me... So I'll put a smiley face after this sentence as well. =) But does that actually DO anything? Not really. Not yet, anyway. Sure it will help later.
Sure all these ideas will help later.
Including many others. Like talking to friends, hula hooping, reading a novel, having a snowfight, coloring with my children **they'll be here within 24 hours!!**, making brownies for the physical therapy guys... **That these things are coming to my mind at all is a good sign. =)**
One at a time, I'll do each thing on my little list, & life will continue on, & I'll even find satisfaction & eventual joy in them again...
But, right now? I can't think of anything at all.
Anything at all that could possibly make me feel better.
**Though getting my homework done would be an immense stress relief, so I suppose THAT WOULD help me feel better. ;)**
Oh, I was funny semi-voluntarily... That's another good sign, I think. =)
Yay for me, & I bet Emily's pleased...
She really wouldn't want me to mope for long, I know that, but sheesh. This sucks.
And how is her family doing??? I cannot even imagine.
And her good husband?! Ach, it kills me. He loves her so much!!
And her children?? This is torture.
Life goes on, but I wish it'd stop for a while.
Give us time to get used to the idea of life without Emily in it. Then start up again, when we're a little more acclimated to the idea.
Oh, how my heart aches! How I've missed her already, these last few months, & now to know I'll not talk to her again MY WHOLE LIFE!?!!
The thought is EXCRUCIATING!
Yet it is reality.
And I better accept it, or it'll be an even harder "row to hoe".
Thing about Emily is, she LOVED life. Every aspect of it.
And she wouldn't want me wasting ANY of my life lamenting over hers, when she had such a good one AND wants ME to have such a good one, as well.
Besides, she was in pretty intense pain & is much better off now, without it, than she would be if she were still residing in her mortal frame.
Whatever, there's that logic again.
WHAT.EVER!
I JUST WANT MY EMILY!!
SHE'S MY DEAREST EMILY, & THE ONLY ONE LIKE HER, & SHE'S BEEN A CONSTANT IN MY LIFE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!!
ALWAYS THERE when I needed her, EVERY SINGLE TIME, & ALWAYS had something perfectly Emily-like to say!!!
ALWAYS TRUE to herself & honest & open & loving & generous & intelligent & UNIQUE, dammit!!
Now the tears fall.
So I did the dishes.
And cried.
'Til the tears dried up.
Long before the dishes will.
Ach, this hurts.
She was ALWAYS there! And now she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN!!
She even lived in the same damn house each of the fifteen years I've known her! And married the same man she was with when we were together as kids! And stayed the same, beautifully fabulous EMILY, that whole time!! No deception, no dismissals, no discrimination.
Just pure Emily... Loving me. Supporting me. Understanding me.
And staying safe, steady, & stable.
For me.
Whether she knew it or not, she was that way FOR ME!!
Dear God, how could it have been "her time to go"??
And how will I ever be whole without her here, physically? And if the loss of her physical presence cuts me so deeply, how will her family, husband, & children deal??
I KNOW I'll see her again, Father, that's not the issue. And I KNOW she's happier & better off than she would've been if she'd stayed.
And I DO trust in Thy timing & all that jibberdy-jazz. I do.
I just DO NOT KNOW HOW I'm going to be okay with all this.
How do people do it?? How did Tara, when her mom died? How did my dad when his mom died? How did Nelly when her son died? No wonder she was such a miserable person. I've struggled sooo much, without my kids with me all the time, yet each one is still alive! And Emily's death is kickin' my trash right about now, but she's "just" a friend.
**Stupid sentence, if there ever was one!**
Dear God, help me through this.
And Emily's family, husband, & kids. Not to mention Donna & all others that love Emily so!! Oh, how I hurt for us all!!
Hugs may be going round in heaven...
To celebrate her return.
But the hugs that are going round on earth are being desperately given...
To keep us from feeling alone.
Because the world is far emptier without her here.
And "alone" is the way we feel...
After a life like hers has passed from us.
22 September, 2010
What DO I Want?
I'm attending an Institute class.
A stranger, in the computer lab, randomly asked me to come one day.
*I rarely resist random. ;) Though at times I'm not so keen on the direction the universe steers me.*
I didn't want to.
Really didn't.
As the subject is Marriage & Family.
Eternal, no less.
But I felt the nudge, on two different occasions...
And began attending.
It's a beautiful course.
With subject matter I'm well familiar with.
And used to delight in.
I'm so jaded & cynical about marriage now, of any type, let alone ETERNAL! A match for me is not easily found.
*So I've discovered through the signing of 2 different sets of divorce papers over the last few years...*
A real man out there?
Sure.
*Maybe you know of one?? Right.
He's YOUR husband??
How marvelous for you...
BUT:
Sorry, honey, he doesn't count...
Unless you want him to be mine! ;)*
A man who honors his word?
Keeps his commitments?
Maintains fidelity?
Remains tender & caring?
Provides for the family?
Acknowledges & uses the Atonement?
Believes in the power & love of God?
Follows his promptings to the best of his ability?
Leaving behind pride & judgment??
Loves ME with all his heart, only second to God?????
Right.
Oh, yeah. Eternal marriage is what got me here...
Believes & follows the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to the best of his ability?
Willing & wanting to take me to the Temple, continue going after that first time, & both honor AND keep the covenants he makes in that sacred house???
Sure.
Uh-huh.
I don't think so.
ADD TO THAT all my Personal Desires in a Man, which I won't fully share here, as I'm semi-cognizant of the public aspect of this blog...
PLUS, I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IN WANTING IT ANYMORE!!!
One who loves me so much he'd be like that man in the movie "My Name Is Khan" & go to whatever lengths necessary to procure & keep my love & happiness?
*Someone recently said, when I mentioned that I want a love like in that movie, "What. You want me to be retarded?!" Not funny & hilarious at the same time! =) If you haven't seen it, you should.
It's beyond beautiful.*
One who loves every aspect of me, even when I'm bitchy & exhausted, or silly & stupid, foolish & irrational??? How about when I'm adoring him EVEN WHEN HE'S BEEN A JERK? Yeah, I want a man who can handle me loving him in moments when he despises himself.
*That's the kicker. Knocks every one of 'em outta the ring.
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" hehehe... Oh, I love myself. =) I'm Hilarious! ;)*
One who loves other people, as well? Who recognizes the humanity in himself & can thus recognize it in all others??
*This is my biggest one, actually. In a way.*
One who is thrilled by the fact that I'm giving my body to him?
And in awe of what a privilege that is??
*I'm not kidding. Thrill & awe.
No matter how pale I am & wrinkly I become! ;) I could go on on the subject, but it's sacred & private, so I won't. But, truly, passion MUST be addressed, for I refuse to live within a marriage without it, for doing so is a tragic waste.*
One who can walk that line between respecting my intelligence & still knowing when they're right... Who stays a MAN... even alongside a POWERFUL woman? One who can tell me to shut up, but so gently & firmly that I cannot help but love him more for it??
*Have had this experience. Briefly. Enough to know of it, & desire more of the same type of individual: A man who can put a woman in her place gently & sweetly is a man to be desired. That same man recognizing his woman's ability to do the same is a gift from God.*
One who loves the fact that I love the whole world? And I will stop at nothing to accomplish what I've been moved upon to accomplish in this world?? Who LOVES me for it & doesn't feel threatened or jealous in any way?
I'm done.
Cannot share any more of what I know I need in a man. What I do actually desire, though I hide the intensity of it from myself quite regularly. *Oh, yeah, & One who can "handle" my intensity
AND LOVE ME FOR IT?!! Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!*
For I feel the resignation & cynicism coming to the forefront more powerfully with each sentence I type.
And I originally got on here to speak of the hope I feel when attending my li'l religious class...
They've got me.
Hook, line, & not sunk yet, but sinking blissfully into the depths of the simultaneously warm & yet cool springs of pleasant doctrine they dispense with each session...
*Actually, it's quite painful to hear, more frequently than not, yet still soothes my soul & proffers hope of such a life for me... Which I SERIOUSLY do NOT understand!! And kinda ticks me off, now that I think about it... Voodoo witch doctors! ;) ****Okay, okay, to all out there that may ever read this, that are not of a positive mindset towards the LDS church: Please do not take that last comment seriously, or any other that you may see as a negative slant toward the church. I love the church, & it's tenets, & it's yada-yada EVERYTHING, okay? I've researched & prayed & tested & researched & prayed & tested some more, over & over & over again... And I don't want my words to EVER be used for an argument against the LDS church, K? Nor do I want it used in any negative way, period. Not that I can control this, once it leaves my mouth or is printed, but I post this "disclaimer" while I'm cognizant enough to do so, regardless.**** How I can feel the way I feel when attending Institute I just don't know. Must be magic! ;)*
So.
I'm officially resigned towards men.
Cynical about marriage.
Jaded regarding an eternity where the two mentioned above, & myself, are mixed.
Yet...
I find that I DO WANT that whole deal.
The man.
*One, thanks. Appreciate ALL that the many men who've come into my life have given me, by way of healing & self-awareness & much, much more... BUT I just want ONE man. Y'all have many marvelous attributes, & have assisted God in opening my eyes to the possibility of another -ugh- marriage someday, but I need ONE man that holds some of each of your traits... AND WANTS ME MORE THAN HE COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED WANTING ANY WOMAN!!! Only then, with ONE MAN, can I live the life I so desire. Sorry, to the many, though individual you may be... That I'm monogamous. ;)*
The marriage.
*Why, why, why did you design it this way, God?? I'm still quakin' in my boots over the thought of that much commitment coming out of me again... I don't want to commit to almost ANYTHING these days, let alone a man & a marriage!!! Thou knowest how committed I am! Once I'm in, I'm in. AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I know that was the PAST & everything, but jiminy... I'm scared. Yet I see the wisdom in it, now even more than before... But I really wish you'd designed it so I didn't need to do that whole marriage thing again...*
And forever.
*Uh-huh. Here we get to why I gotta do the marriage deal...
Cuz I want forever, with one man, always & eternally & never-ending & however else we could say the same thing!
No more of this nonsense.
Been married twice now.
And dating-ish quite a bit.
(((Though I shouldn't be. Yet. Did I mention understanding & forgiving, in the aforementioned traits I desire in a man???
Yeah, well. They're a very important part of the package as well. =)
I'M very understanding & forgiving; I'd like you to be the same! ;)
LOL. But seriously.)))
AND I JUST WANT ONE MAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE & THROUGHOUT ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?????????????
IT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM THE BEGINNING, BUT I MUST'VE DONE A BUNCH OF THINGS WRONG, CUZ I'VE LOVED SEVERAL MEN NOW, WITH ALL MY HEART, AND THAT LOVE HAS not AMOUNTED TO CREATE A RECIPROCAL, MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL AND ETERNAL UNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I may be jaded, resigned, & cynical, but I'm also amazing, loving, & brilliant... And I don't see why this whole eternal marriage thing couldn't work out for me.
Yet it hasn't.
And I want to believe it will.
But it hasn't.
And I'm not perfect, but I'm still lovable...
Yet it hasn't.
Worked.
Out.
And...
I'm supposed to have confidence it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to believe it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have faith it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have hope it will?
Slightly too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have a desire to have hope & belief it will?
Okay.
*Was too much to ask, previously, but that Institute class apparently did a number on my heart & I'll say "Okay." ;)*
I want to be married to a good, LDS man...
In the temple.
Cuz you know what I really want?
To speak the same language as he does.
*ie: "Did you feel prompted when yada-yada was said? I feel like God wants us to blah, blah, blah..."*
To read the same books with him.
*ie: "I just finished Moroni, chapter 7 again, & I wondered what you thought about verse 13..."*
To go to the same places with him.
*ie: "Are you ready to go to the temple, darlin'? I'm hoping to talk with Sister Pierce before we do sealings..."*
To share the same routines with him.
*ie: " That was an awesome FHE lesson you prepared, babe. Just what I needed..."*
Just to be One with my man.
In so many other ways, but these ones are the specific aspects that have been missing, thus far.
And I want to be One with him.
For always.
Whoever he may be.
To be One.
And we can't have that any other way.
Cuz I love the temple.
And I love the church.
And I want to go there someday.
WITH somebody.
And walk away with a hand in mine...
And peace in my heart.
Because he & I?
We understand each other...
And are ONE, in every sense that counts.
And I know he'll be there, later.
Tomorrow.
Next week.
Next month.
Next year.
In a decade.
A century.
And even longer than I can currently comprehend.
Yep. That's what I want.
Ugh,
Praying we all figure out what we really want,
Even if we don't want to admit it to ourselves,
Cuz we don't want to take responsibility for that desire,
Angelina
A stranger, in the computer lab, randomly asked me to come one day.
*I rarely resist random. ;) Though at times I'm not so keen on the direction the universe steers me.*
I didn't want to.
Really didn't.
As the subject is Marriage & Family.
Eternal, no less.
But I felt the nudge, on two different occasions...
And began attending.
It's a beautiful course.
With subject matter I'm well familiar with.
And used to delight in.
I'm so jaded & cynical about marriage now, of any type, let alone ETERNAL! A match for me is not easily found.
*So I've discovered through the signing of 2 different sets of divorce papers over the last few years...*
A real man out there?
Sure.
*Maybe you know of one?? Right.
He's YOUR husband??
How marvelous for you...
BUT:
Sorry, honey, he doesn't count...
Unless you want him to be mine! ;)*
A man who honors his word?
Keeps his commitments?
Maintains fidelity?
Remains tender & caring?
Provides for the family?
Acknowledges & uses the Atonement?
Believes in the power & love of God?
Follows his promptings to the best of his ability?
Leaving behind pride & judgment??
Loves ME with all his heart, only second to God?????
Right.
Oh, yeah. Eternal marriage is what got me here...
Believes & follows the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to the best of his ability?
Willing & wanting to take me to the Temple, continue going after that first time, & both honor AND keep the covenants he makes in that sacred house???
Sure.
Uh-huh.
I don't think so.
ADD TO THAT all my Personal Desires in a Man, which I won't fully share here, as I'm semi-cognizant of the public aspect of this blog...
PLUS, I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IN WANTING IT ANYMORE!!!
One who loves me so much he'd be like that man in the movie "My Name Is Khan" & go to whatever lengths necessary to procure & keep my love & happiness?
*Someone recently said, when I mentioned that I want a love like in that movie, "What. You want me to be retarded?!" Not funny & hilarious at the same time! =) If you haven't seen it, you should.
It's beyond beautiful.*
One who loves every aspect of me, even when I'm bitchy & exhausted, or silly & stupid, foolish & irrational??? How about when I'm adoring him EVEN WHEN HE'S BEEN A JERK? Yeah, I want a man who can handle me loving him in moments when he despises himself.
*That's the kicker. Knocks every one of 'em outta the ring.
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" hehehe... Oh, I love myself. =) I'm Hilarious! ;)*
One who loves other people, as well? Who recognizes the humanity in himself & can thus recognize it in all others??
*This is my biggest one, actually. In a way.*
One who is thrilled by the fact that I'm giving my body to him?
And in awe of what a privilege that is??
*I'm not kidding. Thrill & awe.
No matter how pale I am & wrinkly I become! ;) I could go on on the subject, but it's sacred & private, so I won't. But, truly, passion MUST be addressed, for I refuse to live within a marriage without it, for doing so is a tragic waste.*
One who can walk that line between respecting my intelligence & still knowing when they're right... Who stays a MAN... even alongside a POWERFUL woman? One who can tell me to shut up, but so gently & firmly that I cannot help but love him more for it??
*Have had this experience. Briefly. Enough to know of it, & desire more of the same type of individual: A man who can put a woman in her place gently & sweetly is a man to be desired. That same man recognizing his woman's ability to do the same is a gift from God.*
One who loves the fact that I love the whole world? And I will stop at nothing to accomplish what I've been moved upon to accomplish in this world?? Who LOVES me for it & doesn't feel threatened or jealous in any way?
I'm done.
Cannot share any more of what I know I need in a man. What I do actually desire, though I hide the intensity of it from myself quite regularly. *Oh, yeah, & One who can "handle" my intensity
AND LOVE ME FOR IT?!! Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!*
For I feel the resignation & cynicism coming to the forefront more powerfully with each sentence I type.
And I originally got on here to speak of the hope I feel when attending my li'l religious class...
They've got me.
Hook, line, & not sunk yet, but sinking blissfully into the depths of the simultaneously warm & yet cool springs of pleasant doctrine they dispense with each session...
*Actually, it's quite painful to hear, more frequently than not, yet still soothes my soul & proffers hope of such a life for me... Which I SERIOUSLY do NOT understand!! And kinda ticks me off, now that I think about it... Voodoo witch doctors! ;) ****Okay, okay, to all out there that may ever read this, that are not of a positive mindset towards the LDS church: Please do not take that last comment seriously, or any other that you may see as a negative slant toward the church. I love the church, & it's tenets, & it's yada-yada EVERYTHING, okay? I've researched & prayed & tested & researched & prayed & tested some more, over & over & over again... And I don't want my words to EVER be used for an argument against the LDS church, K? Nor do I want it used in any negative way, period. Not that I can control this, once it leaves my mouth or is printed, but I post this "disclaimer" while I'm cognizant enough to do so, regardless.**** How I can feel the way I feel when attending Institute I just don't know. Must be magic! ;)*
So.
I'm officially resigned towards men.
Cynical about marriage.
Jaded regarding an eternity where the two mentioned above, & myself, are mixed.
Yet...
I find that I DO WANT that whole deal.
The man.
*One, thanks. Appreciate ALL that the many men who've come into my life have given me, by way of healing & self-awareness & much, much more... BUT I just want ONE man. Y'all have many marvelous attributes, & have assisted God in opening my eyes to the possibility of another -ugh- marriage someday, but I need ONE man that holds some of each of your traits... AND WANTS ME MORE THAN HE COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED WANTING ANY WOMAN!!! Only then, with ONE MAN, can I live the life I so desire. Sorry, to the many, though individual you may be... That I'm monogamous. ;)*
The marriage.
*Why, why, why did you design it this way, God?? I'm still quakin' in my boots over the thought of that much commitment coming out of me again... I don't want to commit to almost ANYTHING these days, let alone a man & a marriage!!! Thou knowest how committed I am! Once I'm in, I'm in. AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I know that was the PAST & everything, but jiminy... I'm scared. Yet I see the wisdom in it, now even more than before... But I really wish you'd designed it so I didn't need to do that whole marriage thing again...*
And forever.
*Uh-huh. Here we get to why I gotta do the marriage deal...
Cuz I want forever, with one man, always & eternally & never-ending & however else we could say the same thing!
No more of this nonsense.
Been married twice now.
And dating-ish quite a bit.
(((Though I shouldn't be. Yet. Did I mention understanding & forgiving, in the aforementioned traits I desire in a man???
Yeah, well. They're a very important part of the package as well. =)
I'M very understanding & forgiving; I'd like you to be the same! ;)
LOL. But seriously.)))
AND I JUST WANT ONE MAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE & THROUGHOUT ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?????????????
IT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM THE BEGINNING, BUT I MUST'VE DONE A BUNCH OF THINGS WRONG, CUZ I'VE LOVED SEVERAL MEN NOW, WITH ALL MY HEART, AND THAT LOVE HAS not AMOUNTED TO CREATE A RECIPROCAL, MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL AND ETERNAL UNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I may be jaded, resigned, & cynical, but I'm also amazing, loving, & brilliant... And I don't see why this whole eternal marriage thing couldn't work out for me.
Yet it hasn't.
And I want to believe it will.
But it hasn't.
And I'm not perfect, but I'm still lovable...
Yet it hasn't.
Worked.
Out.
And...
I'm supposed to have confidence it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to believe it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have faith it will?
Too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have hope it will?
Slightly too much to ask.
I'm supposed to have a desire to have hope & belief it will?
Okay.
*Was too much to ask, previously, but that Institute class apparently did a number on my heart & I'll say "Okay." ;)*
I want to be married to a good, LDS man...
In the temple.
Cuz you know what I really want?
To speak the same language as he does.
*ie: "Did you feel prompted when yada-yada was said? I feel like God wants us to blah, blah, blah..."*
To read the same books with him.
*ie: "I just finished Moroni, chapter 7 again, & I wondered what you thought about verse 13..."*
To go to the same places with him.
*ie: "Are you ready to go to the temple, darlin'? I'm hoping to talk with Sister Pierce before we do sealings..."*
To share the same routines with him.
*ie: " That was an awesome FHE lesson you prepared, babe. Just what I needed..."*
Just to be One with my man.
In so many other ways, but these ones are the specific aspects that have been missing, thus far.
And I want to be One with him.
For always.
Whoever he may be.
To be One.
And we can't have that any other way.
Cuz I love the temple.
And I love the church.
And I want to go there someday.
WITH somebody.
And walk away with a hand in mine...
And peace in my heart.
Because he & I?
We understand each other...
And are ONE, in every sense that counts.
And I know he'll be there, later.
Tomorrow.
Next week.
Next month.
Next year.
In a decade.
A century.
And even longer than I can currently comprehend.
Yep. That's what I want.
Ugh,
Praying we all figure out what we really want,
Even if we don't want to admit it to ourselves,
Cuz we don't want to take responsibility for that desire,
Angelina
10 September, 2010
Perplexed & In Awe...
My life is a series of miracles.
I am very aware of this...
Yet I still struggle at times to feel grateful for it all, amidst the "weird" stuff that happens.
Even though I KNOW it's all good & God will help me see the beauty & purpose in it!
Want to blog something...
Feel a need to express what's happening right now...
But I don't know how to put it into words.
So much goes on in my life, it's quite insane, really...
If one were to ask me what was new in the morning & then ask me again that evening, well, I've usually had so much occur that it's hard to simplify it all.
For which I am grateful, yet...
Exhausted by.
At the moment.
I've been meeting so many people that have been teaching me so many things... It's just indescribable how much I'm learning lately.
And I'm lovin' it, don't get me wrong.
I'm just not getting the time I prefer to process it all.
So I feel like running away.
Which I don't think is the wisest move.
So I won't.
But I want to.
Some of the people I've been drawn to, or have been drawn to me, are of the "type" that one would think I'd have nothing in common with.
But I have more in common with them than meets the eye.
And I'm grateful for the privilege of being connected with them.
Just wish I knew what I was meant to gain from all this...
Cuz I'm quite perplexed by some of the occurrences in my life, lately, & ache to be able to DEFINE some situations.
But I know I'm simply to watch, wait, & trust.
So I will.
School is a mixed bag, as well.
My Business class is AMAZING & was definitely designed with me in mind, whether they realize it or not. =)))
But my other classes are a bit of a drain.
And I just want to sleep the majority of the time.
No 4.0 for me this semester!! ;)
Hauling myself around on crutches is a killer, as well...
Realized the other day that I'm lifting 110 lbs. up, every other step, all across campus, Monday through Friday, & have been for weeks now!!!
No wonder I'm exhausted!
My emotions & insights run deep right now, but there's some kind of blockage going on... And I cannot seem to access them.
I don't know what's up, but I AM SOOO GLAD that it's the weekend!!!
Two more essential class/appointments & I AM DONE!
Going to Time Out For Women tomorrow...
Chillin' after church on Sunday...
(Missing my kids with a power I don't even want to talk about, looking forward to getting off the crutches so I can care for them again!!)
It'll be good to be free from classes for a couple days.
=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)
I am very aware of this...
Yet I still struggle at times to feel grateful for it all, amidst the "weird" stuff that happens.
Even though I KNOW it's all good & God will help me see the beauty & purpose in it!
Want to blog something...
Feel a need to express what's happening right now...
But I don't know how to put it into words.
So much goes on in my life, it's quite insane, really...
If one were to ask me what was new in the morning & then ask me again that evening, well, I've usually had so much occur that it's hard to simplify it all.
For which I am grateful, yet...
Exhausted by.
At the moment.
I've been meeting so many people that have been teaching me so many things... It's just indescribable how much I'm learning lately.
And I'm lovin' it, don't get me wrong.
I'm just not getting the time I prefer to process it all.
So I feel like running away.
Which I don't think is the wisest move.
So I won't.
But I want to.
Some of the people I've been drawn to, or have been drawn to me, are of the "type" that one would think I'd have nothing in common with.
But I have more in common with them than meets the eye.
And I'm grateful for the privilege of being connected with them.
Just wish I knew what I was meant to gain from all this...
Cuz I'm quite perplexed by some of the occurrences in my life, lately, & ache to be able to DEFINE some situations.
But I know I'm simply to watch, wait, & trust.
So I will.
School is a mixed bag, as well.
My Business class is AMAZING & was definitely designed with me in mind, whether they realize it or not. =)))
But my other classes are a bit of a drain.
And I just want to sleep the majority of the time.
No 4.0 for me this semester!! ;)
Hauling myself around on crutches is a killer, as well...
Realized the other day that I'm lifting 110 lbs. up, every other step, all across campus, Monday through Friday, & have been for weeks now!!!
No wonder I'm exhausted!
My emotions & insights run deep right now, but there's some kind of blockage going on... And I cannot seem to access them.
I don't know what's up, but I AM SOOO GLAD that it's the weekend!!!
Two more essential class/appointments & I AM DONE!
Going to Time Out For Women tomorrow...
Chillin' after church on Sunday...
(Missing my kids with a power I don't even want to talk about, looking forward to getting off the crutches so I can care for them again!!)
It'll be good to be free from classes for a couple days.
=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)
01 September, 2010
Nada Goin' On Here...
Actually, that is sooo not true in LIFE, but it is in my BRAIN...
I am soooo tired...
Sprained ankle is turning out to be a possible break.
Ugh.
The x-ray technician wasn't available when the physical therapist discovered that it seems broken... So I wait 'til tomorrow... Though it's already been almost a week since the "incident"... And my question is:
Why, why, why didn't they just x-ray it in THE FIRST PLACE??
Ugh.
Classes are good.
Hobbling to & fro is exhausting.
Hurting STILL over a fraction of a second miscalculation is Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!
K, that's all I got.
Too tired to blog more.
Don't know why I'm even on right now.
***My Business class was KICKIN'... Makes it all worth it. =)***
Hope y'all are sleepin' sweetly...
XOXO!
I am soooo tired...
Sprained ankle is turning out to be a possible break.
Ugh.
The x-ray technician wasn't available when the physical therapist discovered that it seems broken... So I wait 'til tomorrow... Though it's already been almost a week since the "incident"... And my question is:
Why, why, why didn't they just x-ray it in THE FIRST PLACE??
Ugh.
Classes are good.
Hobbling to & fro is exhausting.
Hurting STILL over a fraction of a second miscalculation is Aaaauuuggghhhh!!!
K, that's all I got.
Too tired to blog more.
Don't know why I'm even on right now.
***My Business class was KICKIN'... Makes it all worth it. =)***
Hope y'all are sleepin' sweetly...
XOXO!
23 August, 2010
OPEN UP YOUR EYES.
Oh, I'm Testy Today.
The lack of even CONSIDERING possibilities is verrry annoying to me, right now.
What is so Challenging about THINKING, eh??
About looking through a DIFFERENT viewpoint???
About CONSIDERING something NEW?!
Ugh.
Fine.
Stay in your li'l box.
Paint your walls pretty colors.
Remain attached to it all.
I'll be annoyed, briefly, every once in a while...
And THEN...
I'll be SUPER-GRATEFUL that your narrow-mindedness REMINDS ME how fulfilling my life is cuz I don't lock myself into preconceived notions & whatnot!!! =)))
**That sounds mean & judgmental of me, doesn't it... Well, it's not intended to be, I promise. PLUS, the person I'm currently vexed with is a perfect stranger, & will probably never see me again, nor read this blog, nor even know it was "inspired" by them, either! =) Think I'm okay to vent?? ;) Whether you do, or not, I'll continue! ;)**
Okay, so...
Seriously, Folks...
Can you NOT even grasp that there are POSSIBILITIES OUTSIDE your realm of experience... That would be GOOD??!??
Really, really, really GOOD.
For ALL involved?!
Is it THAT freakin' DIFFICULT??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!
I am so annoyed with you right now.
Cuz your limited possibility range is REALLY crampin' my LIFE, thank you very much. And I do so love my life & want to expand MY own possibilities AND include you in on the fun...
BUT YOU WON'T LET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuz you cannot comprehend that DIFFERENT is NOT "bad".
Ugh.
How many times do we need to go through this, People??
Haven't we learned?
Collectively, through all the ages, & time, DIFFERENT IS NOT BAD!
It's.
Just.
Different.
I'm ready to scream & jump down someone's throat, pulling all the entrails out, as I leap upwards & onwards TOWARDS MY OWN FABULOUSLY DIFFERENT DESTINY!!!
**Gross, I know, but tempting at times, do you not think?! ;)
K, maybe YOU don't... But I really, really, really do.
Probably more often than you'd like to know. ;)**
But...
I won't.
=)
So...
Don't worry.
;)
All the violence within is contained.
And...
LOL
I really DO understand where y'all are comin' from...
Been there, done that, was blind & stubborn enough for all of us. ;)
So, I won't hurt anyone, & I won't even be bothered by all this once I've completed this blog. =)))
I'll move on to the next situation... Knowing all is just as it needs to be... Feeling grateful for the ones that remind me why I've chosen all I've chosen... Looking forward to exploring the dynamics with a new person... Pleased I found out about said person's limited scope of thought & view SOONER rather than later...
See?
'S'all Good. ;)
No worries...
Just a li'l Testy-ness. ;)
*****AND a dollop of gratitude for all y'all that SEE MORE than what's right in front of you, or has come before... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! **I love everyone, even those that drive me up the wall at times... Don't forget that, K? =) Sorry if I offended anyone... *Though not sorry enough to not post this. ;)* I really DO LOVE you, & find you fit perfectly within the chaotic tapestry that is this life, so FEEL that love, K? Even if my venting strums dis"chord" within you...** I SERIOUSLY LOOOOOOVE all you who keep supporting me!!! You amaze & inspire me!!! You sustain & rejuvenate me!!! I love how clear & strong you help me be! I'd not love myself so dearly, & all people everywhere, if YOU had not loved me so consistently ALL THESE YEARS. So... THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU...*****
Heavens, I love blogging!!
I can release all this junk, & not carry it 'round with me!!
Such a gift!
And it's all up to you how you "take" it...
If you know me, enough, there's no reason to fuss...
So, if you feel like fussing, while reading this...
Look into yourself & ask, "Why do these words bother me so much?? What does it mean for me? Is there any part of me that resonates with what she's saying? And needs to open up a li'l more... Or be less judgmental of those that are closed? Recognizing that we ALL have our own perfect place in this life??? Hmmm..."
Or something along those lines. ;)
Love you ALL so much!!!
Praying we ALL realize where we're stopping ourselves & others,
AND increasingly challenge our own reasons for the choices we make,
Angelina
The lack of even CONSIDERING possibilities is verrry annoying to me, right now.
What is so Challenging about THINKING, eh??
About looking through a DIFFERENT viewpoint???
About CONSIDERING something NEW?!
Ugh.
Fine.
Stay in your li'l box.
Paint your walls pretty colors.
Remain attached to it all.
I'll be annoyed, briefly, every once in a while...
And THEN...
I'll be SUPER-GRATEFUL that your narrow-mindedness REMINDS ME how fulfilling my life is cuz I don't lock myself into preconceived notions & whatnot!!! =)))
**That sounds mean & judgmental of me, doesn't it... Well, it's not intended to be, I promise. PLUS, the person I'm currently vexed with is a perfect stranger, & will probably never see me again, nor read this blog, nor even know it was "inspired" by them, either! =) Think I'm okay to vent?? ;) Whether you do, or not, I'll continue! ;)**
Okay, so...
Seriously, Folks...
Can you NOT even grasp that there are POSSIBILITIES OUTSIDE your realm of experience... That would be GOOD??!??
Really, really, really GOOD.
For ALL involved?!
Is it THAT freakin' DIFFICULT??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!
I am so annoyed with you right now.
Cuz your limited possibility range is REALLY crampin' my LIFE, thank you very much. And I do so love my life & want to expand MY own possibilities AND include you in on the fun...
BUT YOU WON'T LET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuz you cannot comprehend that DIFFERENT is NOT "bad".
Ugh.
How many times do we need to go through this, People??
Haven't we learned?
Collectively, through all the ages, & time, DIFFERENT IS NOT BAD!
It's.
Just.
Different.
I'm ready to scream & jump down someone's throat, pulling all the entrails out, as I leap upwards & onwards TOWARDS MY OWN FABULOUSLY DIFFERENT DESTINY!!!
**Gross, I know, but tempting at times, do you not think?! ;)
K, maybe YOU don't... But I really, really, really do.
Probably more often than you'd like to know. ;)**
But...
I won't.
=)
So...
Don't worry.
;)
All the violence within is contained.
And...
LOL
I really DO understand where y'all are comin' from...
Been there, done that, was blind & stubborn enough for all of us. ;)
So, I won't hurt anyone, & I won't even be bothered by all this once I've completed this blog. =)))
I'll move on to the next situation... Knowing all is just as it needs to be... Feeling grateful for the ones that remind me why I've chosen all I've chosen... Looking forward to exploring the dynamics with a new person... Pleased I found out about said person's limited scope of thought & view SOONER rather than later...
See?
'S'all Good. ;)
No worries...
Just a li'l Testy-ness. ;)
*****AND a dollop of gratitude for all y'all that SEE MORE than what's right in front of you, or has come before... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! **I love everyone, even those that drive me up the wall at times... Don't forget that, K? =) Sorry if I offended anyone... *Though not sorry enough to not post this. ;)* I really DO LOVE you, & find you fit perfectly within the chaotic tapestry that is this life, so FEEL that love, K? Even if my venting strums dis"chord" within you...** I SERIOUSLY LOOOOOOVE all you who keep supporting me!!! You amaze & inspire me!!! You sustain & rejuvenate me!!! I love how clear & strong you help me be! I'd not love myself so dearly, & all people everywhere, if YOU had not loved me so consistently ALL THESE YEARS. So... THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU...*****
Heavens, I love blogging!!
I can release all this junk, & not carry it 'round with me!!
Such a gift!
And it's all up to you how you "take" it...
If you know me, enough, there's no reason to fuss...
So, if you feel like fussing, while reading this...
Look into yourself & ask, "Why do these words bother me so much?? What does it mean for me? Is there any part of me that resonates with what she's saying? And needs to open up a li'l more... Or be less judgmental of those that are closed? Recognizing that we ALL have our own perfect place in this life??? Hmmm..."
Or something along those lines. ;)
Love you ALL so much!!!
Praying we ALL realize where we're stopping ourselves & others,
AND increasingly challenge our own reasons for the choices we make,
Angelina
08 August, 2010
Silence is Golden... Or Not.
There are times when Silence is Golden.
I've even asked people to just. shut. up. lately... No kidding. =)
So I could FEEL whatever was going on, at the moment, as opposed to listen to someone attempt to describe it.
(When eating, is a particularly good time to experience the golden bliss of silence. Especially if one is tasting a new or exotic food. Mm-mmm-M!)
But there are also times when Silence is Torture.
Like, when you THINK you know what's going on, cuz this & that & the other was said, BUUUT you're not really SURE you know, cuz the other & that & this were ALSO said...
Ugh.
It's Torture when Silence Abounds under such circumstances.
Does one fall into Hope?
Or Not??
Do you trust in this positive sentence they voiced?
Or focus on that negative comment previously uttered??
And WHICH actions speak louder than words, anyway???!!
Ugh.
Torture.
I, personally, am a very concrete person.
When it comes to words, & silence that follows, without action.
If you SAY two conflicting things, & then ACT in one manner...
I get verrrry confused.
Am I to rely on your WORD?
Which I used to, & would LOVE to be able to...
OR
Am I to recognize that your words & ACTIONS are not congruent??
*Well, I always recognize THAT! Can't help but...*
The point is:
WHAT DO I DDDOOOOO when I see that your actions & words are not congruent??? Point it out? Walk away? Have hope you'll recognize it also, without my pointing it out?? Wait for a decade to realize you won't see it, whether I point it out or not?
*Nah, that last one is just past frustration comin' out... Nothin' to do with the current deal that's on my mind. CUZ I KNOW I'll never do THAT again! =)*
I don't have the answer to this one...
I believe it's all individual.
A case by case basis.
And I despise feeling my way through it.
Cuz I like answers. Don't you?? ;)
It's like...
When Silence Abounds,
And Actions & Words have been Incongruent,
WHEN does one release the Hope?
That's my question.
And here's another...
WHY do people NOT just come out & SAY IT?????????????????
It's like, REALLY?
I'm supposed to just figure it out on my own?
Silence means "XYZ" to you...
Duh!
NOOO!
Cuz Silence has always meant "BQA" to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And here's the thing:
I, personally, have an abundance of Hope... And it can sustain me
A LONG TIME.
SO.
In order to Stop Wasting My Hope on Futile Things...
Buck up & Open your Mouth, damn it!
Call me if the apartment won't be ready on time!
Call me if you changed your mind & don't wanna go on a ride!
Call me if you're not willing to rent, cuz you want the house to sell!
Call me if you've decided you're not that into me!
Call me if you have a question about an action I'm taking!
Call me if you said you would!!!
Whether you're a stranger, friend, or whatever...
Open up your mouth & Be Brave...
Acknowledge what's REALLY going on for you...
HOW IT EFFECTS ME!!!
And Stop Leaving Me Alone in this Torturous Silence.
Capisci??
I've even asked people to just. shut. up. lately... No kidding. =)
So I could FEEL whatever was going on, at the moment, as opposed to listen to someone attempt to describe it.
(When eating, is a particularly good time to experience the golden bliss of silence. Especially if one is tasting a new or exotic food. Mm-mmm-M!)
But there are also times when Silence is Torture.
Like, when you THINK you know what's going on, cuz this & that & the other was said, BUUUT you're not really SURE you know, cuz the other & that & this were ALSO said...
Ugh.
It's Torture when Silence Abounds under such circumstances.
Does one fall into Hope?
Or Not??
Do you trust in this positive sentence they voiced?
Or focus on that negative comment previously uttered??
And WHICH actions speak louder than words, anyway???!!
Ugh.
Torture.
I, personally, am a very concrete person.
When it comes to words, & silence that follows, without action.
If you SAY two conflicting things, & then ACT in one manner...
I get verrrry confused.
Am I to rely on your WORD?
Which I used to, & would LOVE to be able to...
OR
Am I to recognize that your words & ACTIONS are not congruent??
*Well, I always recognize THAT! Can't help but...*
The point is:
WHAT DO I DDDOOOOO when I see that your actions & words are not congruent??? Point it out? Walk away? Have hope you'll recognize it also, without my pointing it out?? Wait for a decade to realize you won't see it, whether I point it out or not?
*Nah, that last one is just past frustration comin' out... Nothin' to do with the current deal that's on my mind. CUZ I KNOW I'll never do THAT again! =)*
I don't have the answer to this one...
I believe it's all individual.
A case by case basis.
And I despise feeling my way through it.
Cuz I like answers. Don't you?? ;)
It's like...
When Silence Abounds,
And Actions & Words have been Incongruent,
WHEN does one release the Hope?
That's my question.
And here's another...
WHY do people NOT just come out & SAY IT?????????????????
It's like, REALLY?
I'm supposed to just figure it out on my own?
Silence means "XYZ" to you...
Duh!
NOOO!
Cuz Silence has always meant "BQA" to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And here's the thing:
I, personally, have an abundance of Hope... And it can sustain me
A LONG TIME.
SO.
In order to Stop Wasting My Hope on Futile Things...
Buck up & Open your Mouth, damn it!
Call me if the apartment won't be ready on time!
Call me if you changed your mind & don't wanna go on a ride!
Call me if you're not willing to rent, cuz you want the house to sell!
Call me if you've decided you're not that into me!
Call me if you have a question about an action I'm taking!
Call me if you said you would!!!
Whether you're a stranger, friend, or whatever...
Open up your mouth & Be Brave...
Acknowledge what's REALLY going on for you...
HOW IT EFFECTS ME!!!
And Stop Leaving Me Alone in this Torturous Silence.
Capisci??
03 August, 2010
Foolish Mistakes...
I get where you're coming from...
It DOES seem as though I've made a bazillion "foolish mistakes".
But I guarantee.
If you'd walked in my shoes.
You'd've done THE EXACT SAME THINGS.
For you'd've BEEN me.
"If I were you..."
People say...
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT SENTENCE???
IF.
I.
WERE.
YOU.
I'd BE You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And you'd BE me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And we'd have all the exact same thoughts, & feelings, that the other person has!
DOES ANYONE THINK OF THE OBVIOUSNESS OF THIS???
Drives me nuts, the flak I receive.
"Well, you shouldn't've done that, Ang, cuz now it's this way..."
"Well, if you would've done this, then you wouldn't be in this situation..."
"Why didn't you know? It's so obvious what you should've done..."
DUH!!!
Get over it!
I'm IN the situation.
I ALREADY DID what you're so sure I SHOULDN'T'VE done.
I only knew what I knew.
Okay?
And THERE IS NO SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how many things I KNOW, that YOU don't, that I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT OVER, & DO NOT tell you,
"Well, if you'd had more faith in God, under these circumstances..."
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
We.
All.
Have.
The.
Knowledge.
We.
Individually.
Have.
Period.
And my MISTAKES may seem FOOLISH to you, but I AM doing the things I know & feel to do, no matter the circumstances...
Can you say the same?
Can you say you move forward when you feel to act?
Regardless of Fear?
Or Doubt?
Or Anger?
NO Matter The Circumstances???
Cuz, yeah, I may look crazy to you... I get that.
I can even SEE why...
BUT I AM NOT.
And, yeah, I may look foolish to you... I get that.
I can even SEE why...
BUT I AM NOT.
No more than you yourself are.
And any other human being on this planet.
WE ARE ALL THE SAME.
Different sizes, shapes, & forms.
Different stories & details.
Different degrees of weaknesses & strengths.
Different ratios of foolish to wise & "sin" to "righteousness"...
WHO WILL THROW THE FIRST STONE???
Go ahead.
Judge my life.
My words, my actions, my past.
Judge me "unworthy" of this help, or that.
Or tell me I need SO MUCH MORE of another kind of "help"...
But I guarantee you're off in that judgment.
Cuz YOU DON'T KNOW.
You.
Don't.
Know.
What.
I've.
Been.
Through.
And you never will...
Not with that know-it-all attitude.
*Believe me, I know... I used to have one just like it. ;)*
I'm done.
Keep seeing my life as a mistake.
Keep seeing my choices as foolish ones.
Keep seeing ME as LESS because of it all.
And I'll keep knowing who I am...
As a Daughter of God.
As a Sister in Christ.
As an Amazing Human Being, that is Both Phenomenal AND Fallible.
And I'm okay with that...
Are you?
Okay with yourself??
Cuz you're a human, too...
And divine, as well...
Just.
Like.
Me.
Foolish Mistakes & all.
It DOES seem as though I've made a bazillion "foolish mistakes".
But I guarantee.
If you'd walked in my shoes.
You'd've done THE EXACT SAME THINGS.
For you'd've BEEN me.
"If I were you..."
People say...
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT SENTENCE???
IF.
I.
WERE.
YOU.
I'd BE You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And you'd BE me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And we'd have all the exact same thoughts, & feelings, that the other person has!
DOES ANYONE THINK OF THE OBVIOUSNESS OF THIS???
Drives me nuts, the flak I receive.
"Well, you shouldn't've done that, Ang, cuz now it's this way..."
"Well, if you would've done this, then you wouldn't be in this situation..."
"Why didn't you know? It's so obvious what you should've done..."
DUH!!!
Get over it!
I'm IN the situation.
I ALREADY DID what you're so sure I SHOULDN'T'VE done.
I only knew what I knew.
Okay?
And THERE IS NO SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how many things I KNOW, that YOU don't, that I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT OVER, & DO NOT tell you,
"Well, if you'd had more faith in God, under these circumstances..."
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
We.
All.
Have.
The.
Knowledge.
We.
Individually.
Have.
Period.
And my MISTAKES may seem FOOLISH to you, but I AM doing the things I know & feel to do, no matter the circumstances...
Can you say the same?
Can you say you move forward when you feel to act?
Regardless of Fear?
Or Doubt?
Or Anger?
NO Matter The Circumstances???
Cuz, yeah, I may look crazy to you... I get that.
I can even SEE why...
BUT I AM NOT.
And, yeah, I may look foolish to you... I get that.
I can even SEE why...
BUT I AM NOT.
No more than you yourself are.
And any other human being on this planet.
WE ARE ALL THE SAME.
Different sizes, shapes, & forms.
Different stories & details.
Different degrees of weaknesses & strengths.
Different ratios of foolish to wise & "sin" to "righteousness"...
WHO WILL THROW THE FIRST STONE???
Go ahead.
Judge my life.
My words, my actions, my past.
Judge me "unworthy" of this help, or that.
Or tell me I need SO MUCH MORE of another kind of "help"...
But I guarantee you're off in that judgment.
Cuz YOU DON'T KNOW.
You.
Don't.
Know.
What.
I've.
Been.
Through.
And you never will...
Not with that know-it-all attitude.
*Believe me, I know... I used to have one just like it. ;)*
I'm done.
Keep seeing my life as a mistake.
Keep seeing my choices as foolish ones.
Keep seeing ME as LESS because of it all.
And I'll keep knowing who I am...
As a Daughter of God.
As a Sister in Christ.
As an Amazing Human Being, that is Both Phenomenal AND Fallible.
And I'm okay with that...
Are you?
Okay with yourself??
Cuz you're a human, too...
And divine, as well...
Just.
Like.
Me.
Foolish Mistakes & all.
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